Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22

Thread: Want to move

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    5

    Want to move

    My wife and I have been married for nearly 4 years. I had moved to a city nearly 2.5 hrs from where I am from for a job and subsequently met my wife and got married and bought a house here. I left my job last year and now have no ties to the city we live in. All my family are back home while my wife's family are pretty much round the corner. They come round nearly every few days uninvited and my wife goes to see them often. I feel trapped here and I miss my family tremendously as we can't see them that often. I have brought up the possibility of moving maybe half way so that we would be between families but my wife told me that there was no way she wanted to live in the middle of nowhere away from her family. I don't know what to do now. If I stay here I'll be pretending that I am happy to stay. My wife can be dominating and I do find resentment occurring on my part as she can be so close to her family but I can't be close to mine. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,490
    Gender
    Male
    Do you both work? Any plans for kids? Talk about boundaries with in-laws.
    Originally Posted by manatee
    I had moved to a city nearly 2.5 hrs from where I am from for a job and subsequently met my wife and got married and bought a house here.

    my wife's family are pretty much round the corner. They come round nearly every few days uninvited and my wife goes to see them often.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    5
    We both work. My new work is about a 2hr drive away. She works in my home city a couple of days a week and travels by train and works from home the rest of the time. So moving would cut both our commutes. I've brought up boundaries several times but this doesn't get respected.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,794
    Did you guys ever talk before you got married about moving or being closer to your family ?

    How well does she compromise on other things in the relationship?

    Is this the first time you will really stand up for your own needs?

    I can understand the resentment. And I wonder, if you were complicit in setting this dynamic, with her leading and you going along, as it is now. Its so easy in the beginning, to not want to make waves, but then its like you handed over your choices to another person.

    Are you willing to end the relationship over this?

    I think you're going to need to have a very serious conversation about being unhappy... and its probably best to get your own thoughts together and what you're willing to compromise or sacrifice.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    5
    Thanks for the reply.
    I did mention that at some stage I would like to move but never put a time frame on it.
    I do agree that I have contributed to this dynamic of going along with things as it was easier not to rock the boat.It is difficult to get her to compromise and the longer we have been married the more obvious it has become. Our house was her choice and most of the house is full of her ideas. It feels that I am just here to have paid for most of the house and to help out her family. I guess I have been too nice but as I am starting to voice my opinions it has definitely led to some issues between us. I do find that there are issues of a lack of respect for me and my lack of boundaries to date has probably contributed to this.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,911
    Gender
    Female
    Living in the middle will not work. It serves neither of you. It only works if you BOTH don't want to be around either family closely or said families are within an hour of eachother or something like that.

    Instead of being miserable - here is what i suggest.

    1) VISIT your family. You said you can't that often. Make time. Unless they live on another continent, carve out time. save up. If that means you go visit them solo a few times a year for a weekend or so, and then you visit together for a holiday - make it work. Say "I really like having your family around, but i want to see mine more. I think if i were to go for a night or two for some quick visits, that would really help me being able to o that" or just say "i am going to visit mom and dad for a night or two because i miss them" If its money, work a few hours overtime.

    2) BOUNDARIES. "I like your family, but i really want them to call first before coming over or for us to actually invite them over. Its hard for me for them to always drop by unexpectedly." Also, plan dates or plan times with other people so you are not so available for them. Make plans with your guy friends - don't always be available to them

    moving will not solve the problems, because it will just change who the miserable person is. And your wife may not have the job prospects in your home town that you do.

    You knew you were going to live near her folks from the get go. It wasn't a surprise.

    "vaguely mentioning" the idea about moving near your parents does not cut it. You had to do more than that and offer a more concrete plan.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,911
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by manatee
    We both work. My new work is about a 2hr drive away. She works in my home city a couple of days a week and travels by train and works from home the rest of the time. So moving would cut both our commutes. I've brought up boundaries several times but this doesn't get respected.
    Then don't just bring it up ENFORCE them "we both have to get up early tomorrow. It was nice of you to stop by. Would you like a slice of cake to take home with you?" and shuffle them out. If you both work near your parents, i think its foolish to not live closer to work if its 2 hours away unless you have a farm or something and don't want to live in the city. Why can't your parents visit YOU?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,889
    That's a horrendous commute. I cannot imagine commuting 2 hrs each way. She is not being fair. Where is the compromise!

    You need to establish some boundaries and stop being a doormat!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,168
    OK, 2-hour commute guy here, if you live halfway between the two families, that seems reasonable to me.

    Living an hour away from both, that would allow you some privacy and make you less of an add-on to her world. I think you ought to stand up for this.

    But, take her to a likely area and show he how nice it is.

    And lay out why you want to move. If she totally shuts it dow, ask her why.

    You are not being unreasonable.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,427
    I wonder if she'd be down for a short stint of couples counciling?
    I mention this because even if you were to get her to agree on the move, there's other issues that you two will just carry with you. The dynamic with her family. The resentment you feel about her wanting control all the time.
    Communication issues and working as a team.
    What you said about feeling sometimes like you are just there to pay for most of the house and support her and her family stood out to me. That's a big problem, as she's your wife and she's the one meant to have your back in this world. I'd want to figure that out - is this just bad habits you two fell into, or is she really more all about herself and you aren't seen as an equal/teammate in this relationship?

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity

Most Women Rather Not Date Unemployed Men
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •