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Thread: Want to move

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by manatee
    Thanks for the reply.
    I did mention that at some stage I would like to move but never put a time frame on it.
    I do agree that I have contributed to this dynamic of going along with things as it was easier not to rock the boat.It is difficult to get her to compromise and the longer we have been married the more obvious it has become. Our house was her choice and most of the house is full of her ideas. It feels that I am just here to have paid for most of the house and to help out her family. I guess I have been too nice but as I am starting to voice my opinions it has definitely led to some issues between us. I do find that there are issues of a lack of respect for me and my lack of boundaries to date has probably contributed to this.
    The move is a symptom of this much larger problem in the marriage.

    Does she have any idea how you are feeling? Not the move.... the resentment? that you are just the bank roll (for her desires) in what your life together is?

    I think before tackling the subject of the move, you gotta step back and explain how you're feeling, the lack of respect and boundaries. And how incredibly lonely and unseen that must make you feel in your own life.

    Any spouse should not want their spouse to feel like that...

    I asked if you were willing to divorce over this. Although you didnt say, I think its important for your wife to know how you feel and if you are at or approaching a breaking point.

    People (our partners) can not give us what we need, if we did not make these things known to them. You owe her that much. At least give her a chance to hear how you feel.

    She may not even know. If this is the way you've always let it go, she's not fully to blame and needs to be set straight. And then you can decide from there....

    Maybe that includes counseling, because of the arguing etc, you may need it to help keep the conversations productive. You guys have a serious problem and you both have to work to fix it.

    Do you have children?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by manatee
    My wife and I have been married for nearly 4 years. I had moved to a city nearly 2.5 hrs from where I am from for a job and subsequently met my wife and got married and bought a house here. I left my job last year and now have no ties to the city we live in. All my family are back home while my wife's family are pretty much round the corner. They come round nearly every few days uninvited and my wife goes to see them often. I feel trapped here and I miss my family tremendously as we can't see them that often. I have brought up the possibility of moving maybe half way so that we would be between families but my wife told me that there was no way she wanted to live in the middle of nowhere away from her family. I don't know what to do now. If I stay here I'll be pretending that I am happy to stay. My wife can be dominating and I do find resentment occurring on my part as she can be so close to her family but I can't be close to mine. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.
    I can't tell which is worse: the location of your house or your wife. There's a lot of resentment coming through there. Are you sure this is about moving or is this about how your wife neglects you or the marriage?

    I think if you move now, the marriage will fare no better and resentment will continue to pile up over time.

  3. #13
    Communicate frankely and I'm sure you can solve this issue

  4. #14
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    Thanks for all the replies.
    At the moment we don't have children.
    I do realise now that I have played my part in just going along with things and not really putting much emphasis on what I need. When I moved to her home town I thought I could cope being far away and occasionally seeing my family maybe once a month. But as time has gone on I realise that it isn't enough for me especially since she sees her family all the time. Given the lockdown this has made things much worse for me as I haven't been able to travel to see them. My parents are getting older and are going to find it much more difficult to travel to see me. I worry that I will end up regretting not spending time with them.
    When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

    It's difficult as she can be really sweet and nice one moment and then can be rude/controlling with a single comment so at times I feel I'm just on edge. It feels like I am living some one elses life and whatever things I wanted to do have taken a backseat.

    I have mentioned counselling and we will arrange this and see how things go. I do struggle to communicate with her as sometimes I in myself feel my feelings are silly but at times she can turn things against me or hold me responsible for her own feelings.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stay with your parents a few times after work. No one can stop you. That's on you not her.

  7. #16
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    Will she go to counselling?

    You do realize that this marriage cannot work unless there is compromise. Not only with this situation .

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by manatee
    Thanks for all the replies.
    At the moment we don't have children.
    I do realise now that I have played my part in just going along with things and not really putting much emphasis on what I need. When I moved to her home town I thought I could cope being far away and occasionally seeing my family maybe once a month. But as time has gone on I realise that it isn't enough for me especially since she sees her family all the time. Given the lockdown this has made things much worse for me as I haven't been able to travel to see them. My parents are getting older and are going to find it much more difficult to travel to see me. I worry that I will end up regretting not spending time with them.
    When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

    It's difficult as she can be really sweet and nice one moment and then can be rude/controlling with a single comment so at times I feel I'm just on edge. It feels like I am living some one elses life and whatever things I wanted to do have taken a backseat.

    I have mentioned counselling and we will arrange this and see how things go. I do struggle to communicate with her as sometimes I in myself feel my feelings are silly but at times she can turn things against me or hold me responsible for her own feelings.
    There is a huge imbalance in your relationship. I agree with you these subversive behaviours coming from her are negative and don't validate your concerns or feelings at all. Is she annoyed with you about something? In the end I do think it IS on you to change the pattern of things and start seeing your family more. Don't let her attitude erode your confidence.

    I feel like both of you are joined at the hip in a very unhealthy way. She doesn't appear to be comfortable spending time on her own and appears to need her family within a short distance a great deal and she also needs to visit and see others while having you around all the time. What is she so afraid of?

    People who are rude and controlling or passive aggressive and insecure usually are terribly afraid of something that hurts them or has hurt them in the past. She is afraid of being alone or maybe even afraid of what others think of her marriage especially if she doesn't feel confident about the marriage and has resentment built up between the both of you. Like I mentioned above, don't let her attitude erode your confidence and how you treat or see your family. If she wants to visit her friends and others she knows while you both travel to see your parents, you can cheerfully ask her take her own car along. It's a bit stale being in the same car or vehicle all the time, no? If you both have vehicles, it gives you both some autonomy and freedom and you don't have to be joined at the hip.

    If you only have one vehicle, I'd make a strong suggestion to visit family on your own and leave her out of it. You can tell her cheerfully (again) and firmly this is about you visiting your family and you'd rather have some uninterrupted time for that as it's something that will make you happy and feel better. See how she reacts to that or if she takes it personally. This really isn't about her so she shouldn't be inserting herself in there.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by manatee
    Thanks for all the replies.
    At the moment we don't have children.
    I do realise now that I have played my part in just going along with things and not really putting much emphasis on what I need. When I moved to her home town I thought I could cope being far away and occasionally seeing my family maybe once a month. But as time has gone on I realise that it isn't enough for me especially since she sees her family all the time. Given the lockdown this has made things much worse for me as I haven't been able to travel to see them. My parents are getting older and are going to find it much more difficult to travel to see me. I worry that I will end up regretting not spending time with them.
    When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

    It's difficult as she can be really sweet and nice one moment and then can be rude/controlling with a single comment so at times I feel I'm just on edge. It feels like I am living some one elses life and whatever things I wanted to do have taken a backseat.

    I have mentioned counselling and we will arrange this and see how things go. I do struggle to communicate with her as sometimes I in myself feel my feelings are silly but at times she can turn things against me or hold me responsible for her own feelings.
    Your feelings aren't silly. And it's unfair for her to turn them around on you. I think when she does that, you gotta keep your cool, call time out and tell her, its hard to express your feelings, when you feel like she turns them against you.

    You have to call her on things in the moment. She needs to understand that you are trying to fix something that is fundamentally flawed between you. she needs to respect that and work with you.

    You gotta get her to understand that and see if she can 'go there' with you. That's really the crux of this whole thing, she's getting her way and your miserable.

    Does she want this to change? And how do you feel about it, if she responds poorly?

  10. #19
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    [QUOTE=manatee;7219476
    When I have mentioned this she tells me that I see my family enough and when I say I want to visit on my own she gets upset that I didn't ask her to come or she will manoeuvre things so she can come and visit her other family/friends in the area. When I do mention that I am stuggling to settle here her answer is always that I should just spend more time with her family but I can't substitute my family for them and ignore how i feel.

    [/QUOTE]


    So what if she comes and sees her friends while you see her parents.

    When you marry, your spouse's family become your family. There is a little truth to it. Get your own friends, etc as well. She might be difficult, but maybe you also need to budge a little, too

  11. #20
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    Tell her the commute is killing you, and you want to move closer to your family where work is. Don't move halfway - imagine trying to get home if the kids have some school event or they threw up, and daycare needs you to pick them up? Plus, it inconvenients both families to come help babysit for date nights out.

    It's one thing to be homesick, but it's another to have a 2 hour daily commute that is continuous - not temp or contract work. Show her all the savings by moving back - take your time to find a place you both would love.

    And in the meantime, tell her once is a week please for visits - you need to time to decompress from your two hour commute home! My hubs commuted for two years two hours each way, but there was an end in sight!

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