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Thread: I slept with my ex while dating my current boyfriend

  1. #1

    I slept with my ex while dating my current boyfriend

    Hi there,

    I'm in my early twenties and last year I had a very weird friends with benefits relationship with my boy best friend. I say very weird because I was madly in love and he was just using me but on the other hand, he also was very possessive of me. It was really hard for me because I kind of knew I was being used but he would say it wasn't true and I must say I'm kind of naive. Sometimes he would be very sweet, but then the next day he would totally destroy me. You can say it was a terrible 6 months for me but I wasn't able to walk away.
    But then one day he ended things (like both our friendship and our friends with benefits thing) because 'he had met someone better' and 'he never really liked me, I was only good for sex'. It is safe to say that I was completely messed up after this. He also was my first real love so it hit me pretty bad.

    But I had to move on, I blocked him on everything and my friends made me see how bad he was. I kind of hated him but this one stupid little part of me kept liking him.

    While I was moving on, I met a boy. This boy was actually someone I had a crush on for a long time (like for several years because he was the hottest boy in my high school), but he was a few years older then me so I never thought he would ever look at me. But we actually started talking and for someone who's heart had been broken 3 months before, this was a welcome distraction for me.

    After 2 months of talking, we ended up having sex after we got really drunk at a party. But for me, it didn't mean anything. I didn't feel like I was fully moved on from my ex-best friend and I actually only wanted to make him jealous so he would maybe want to get back with me (I know, it's stupid). Also, this new boy (let's call him Peter), was known for being a boy so I didn't really wanted my heart to get broken again.
    But Peter kept insisting on seeing me and going on dates and I went, but I still saw it as a distraction. I had fun and I liked him, but I was so afraid to get heartbroken again I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship.
    After two months of dating and sleeping together, the exam season started (I'm at university) and Peter and I couldn't talk as much because he likes to be left alone when he studies and he tends to have a lot of mood-swings. We then also decided that we weren't together but that we weren't going to see other people. (so like kind of exclusive but not a couple)

    That exam period was actually hell for me because I realised I liked Peter more then I thought but he was not as sweet as before and he would be mad at me for wanting to see him.
    And that's when my defence mechanism showed up and I convinced myself that I had to end whatever Peter and I had because I was afraid to get heartbroken again.
    When my exams ended, Peter still had one exam left so I couldn't end things yet because I didn't want to mess up his scores.

    So, I went partying and there I saw my ex-best friend (let's call him John). John and I hadn't talked very much sinds he broke my heart 7 months earlier and it was still a bit awkward. But we were both drunk and we started talking and I felt like I had my best friend and my first lover back. We were talking about those years we had been best friends and how much fun we had and so on. And then he asked me to come home with him. I was drunk and convinced that Peter and I wouldn't last so I went home with him and we had sex.
    At first, I didn't want to because I felt that it was not fair for Peter. But John, who was always the best manipulator, persuaded me. This is not me saying that I didn't want it at all, I cannot say that because a part of me will always love John because he was my first real love (this may sound stupid but I can't do anything about it). But quickly after or even during the sex I realised that I actually liked Peter more then I thought and that I wanted to be with him and not with John, who had made my life a living hell. John and I decided not to tell anyone because we would receive a lot of backlash from our friends (because my friends didn't like him and his friends told him to stop using me).

    That morning I left John's place very early and went on a vacation with my friends. I heard Peter occasionally but I couldn't act normal with him because I was feeling so guilty. After ten days, I saw him again and I couldn't bear telling him about what I did because I had realised that I was actually in love with Peter. We started going on dates again (the second semester had started again) and one month later we officially decided that we were together. He told me he only realised after the exams that he was in love with me and I decided not to tell him about my mistake because it actually didn't mean anything, or not really because I had realised then and there, that night that I made that terrible mistake, that Peter was the right man for me and John was bad.

    Now, four months later Peter and I are doing well and I am so madly in love with him.
    John and I are also in a kind of good place, like not hating each other but also not real friends, just you know, acknowledging what we have been through and keeping the secret to ourselves. John actually told me he had been jealous of Peter but that he know realised that Peter was good for me.

    But this secret is eating me up inside. I can't live with myself for what I have done but on the other hand, I am so afraid that if I would tell Peter, he would break up with me and I can't handle being heartbroken again. But I feel like if Peter is the man I want to spend the rest of my time with, I have to tell him.
    Can you guys help me? I'm too afraid to tell my friends because they will be mad for sleeping with John, because they had to put me back together after he broke my heart and also because I am too afraid that the secret will come out. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ella12345
    We started going on dates again (the second semester had started again) and one month later we officially decided that we were together.
    It sounds like you and Peter weren't officially together when you slept with John?

  3. #3
    No we weren't but we had been sleeping together for 3/4 months and we said to each other that we weren't going to see other people. This is why I don't know if I should ruin what we have by telling him. But the question is can I live with myself by keeping this a secret. I have no idea how Peter will react but I don't want to lose him.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    It is only cheating, if you or he would see it as cheating... And it sounds like you do see it has cheating...

    I think telling someone that you cheated on them is really just passing your guilt and shame to them. Its unfair and selfish. You are doing it to MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER.

    Not because you care so much about him. So stop kidding yourself, that telling him is some noble thing to help him.

    If it bothers you so much and you cant live with it, break up with him. But keep your secret... to protect him from the massive emotional damage cheating does to the victim.

    If you don't want to break up, then take the cheating to the grave. Deny it if the other guy ever mentions it. Make a commitment to yourself to do better now and moving forward.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    i would not tell Peter, dont think you were together.
    If you have a drinking problem then you already know what to do, stay away from it.
    there could be many who will hit on you and you flirt with in parties how do you plan to tackle that now that you and Peter are together. Lots to think now, once you are committed to someone, both of you need to make it solid, keep it respectful and staying away from exs, over drinking , all matters.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ella12345
    No we weren't but we had been sleeping together for 3/4 months and we said to each other that we weren't going to see other people. This is why I don't know if I should ruin what we have by telling him. But the question is can I live with myself by keeping this a secret. I have no idea how Peter will react but I don't want to lose him.
    If you weren't committed, you didn't cheat.

    From a health standpoint, both mentally and physically, it was a dumb move.

    Most importantly, get rid of John.

    Originally Posted by Ella12345
    John actually told me he had been jealous of Peter but that he know realised that Peter was good for me.
    Honestly, who the eff cares what John thinks?

    Why do you entertain his opinion and feelings about your love life?

    Why should he have a place to sign off on your personal choices?

    Get over him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ella12345
    But the question is can I live with myself by keeping this a secret.
    Ultimately, only you can answer this question.

    But if you can't "live with yourself" for this gray zone indulgence of thirst and insecurity? Please spare him the drama of "confessing" and just end things so you can untangle whatever knots you need to in yourself to be ready for a more authentic mode of romance, for wearing the sweater of yourself without all the itchiness. No need to lessen the guilt on your shoulders by placing it onto his. That's not really noble, as Lambert outlined, but kind of just selfish and dramatic.

    What I'd do right now in your shoes? I'd take a real moment to ask if you think you're genuinely ready to be in a committed relationship. Gun to head or behind the doors of the church confessional or whatever metaphor is stickiest, do you believe you can be a good partner to Peter, and that he can be one to you? That's different than being ready to lean into what feels super good and sparkly at any given second, but being ready to withstand moments of emotional uncertainty without seeking attention and distraction (from a John, from a whomever, from a kamikaze shot) to soothe those inevitable life jitters.

    Because how I see all this? I can't help but think that part of your guilt is not quite knowing the answer to that question. I can just about promise you that Peter is going to disappoint you—next week, next month—because that's what people do in relationships: they don't always deliver validating hits of love/lust that make us feel like gods and goddesses riding the world's fastest rollercoaster. They often fall far short of what we need to get through the day, and it's who we are in those moments that determine who we are in partnerships, and in the world at large.

    So, do you think you're capable of being a respectful partner to someone who you believe is capable of respecting you? Do you think you're ready to make respect, rather than attraction, the primary currency in romance? And, perhaps most critically, are you ready to let go of John as the barometer of your self worth and see him for what he is, a dude from your past whose sway over you has reached its expiration date?

    If the answer to all that is yes, then live that truth and let this noise peter out (pun intended). It will, if you want it to.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    So you two had agreed not to see other people when you had sex with this other guy? I can compartmentalize sex just as well as pretty much anyone else, but it'd be a pretty interesting interpretation of "see" to not include banging other people. Whether you want to call it "cheating" to break a commitment on its own or if you'd arbitrarily need the "official status" to qualify it as such, fact is you did lie and break an agreement you two had with one another.

    As to the overall significance? I don't know. It's all about how honest you're being with yourself. From where I'm standing, you two were still relatively new, and alcohol or not, you weighed the value of accepting or passing up an opportunity to have sex with this other guy while still essentially getting to know your now boyfriend. If your introspective intuition were really telling you that the one night stand wasn't substantive and that you are for real all-in with your current guy, I could easily see things turning out just fine sweeping it under the rug for good. Given the entire novel you wrote in lieu of simply stating, "had sex with an ex after just having established exclusivity with now boyfriend," I'm a bit skeptical that it was or is the meaningless experience you claim it to be.

    You know you better than I know you. Simply from where I'm sitting, I can very easily see this being something you bottle up until you're a year, two years in, only to blurt it out and overcomplicate something that could have been much simpler had you divulged it sooner than later. And with that in mind, I'd vouch for spilling your guts. If I got the impression you could indeed set it and forget it, I might think differently. But I think both for honesty's sake in having "seen" someone else in about the most intimate way you can after having agreed not to as well as the potential drama of it only increasing the more you wait to tell him, it's better to get it over with.

  10. #9
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    I think it's a case of live and learn. You made a mistake, but telling Peter only passes the guilt on. It wont fix anything.

    It may have been wrong but you did not cheat as you were not fully committed.

    You need to forgive yourself and in time it will get easier. Everybody makes mistakes, it is how we deal with them and learn from them in the future that defines us.

    Concentrate your effort on your new flourishing relationship and try to worry less!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You have a lot of freedom and no strings nonexclusive sex. That's fine. No one is using anyone when it comes to no strings sex. No need to discuss your sex life with other guys. Use protection and never use "I was drunk" as an excuse for stuff.
    Originally Posted by Ella12345
    I was madly in love and he was just using me
    We then also decided that we weren't together but that we weren't going to see other people. (so like kind of exclusive but not a couple)

    I went partying and there I saw my ex-best friend. we were both drunk and we started talking and I felt like I had my best friend and my first lover back.

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