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Thread: Anxiety each morning

  1. #21
    Member JakeJakerson's Avatar
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    After a little deep thinking and researching, I've found that I have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style. I guess I've always known but now it has a name. It also seems to come and go. I get attached easily, am fully committed, but the avoidance comes in when I'm feeling someone is asking too much from me emotionally. How does one overcome this? I want to be stable when it comes to my style of living, not someone who is avoidant without fully realizing that I'm being avoidant.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is"asking too much emotionally"?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Somewhat left field approach here, but...

    What about taking everything you're worried about—these anxiety spikes, namely—and labeling them "okay." Not fun, no. But also not permanent. You're untangling some knots, exploring some stuff, doing so during a global moment of intense existential disruption. As such you're thrown, a bit, from your "normal" axis. Happens. Is happening. Uncomfortable as it is, you may find that just giving into it a bit, rather than judging it, will make it more manageable. Kind of like being really sore after exercising—not the best feeling, often legit painful, but connected to something healthy, not unhealthy.

    I'm a pretty centered dude, all in all. Big into yoga, that stuff, with a calm disposition. But sleep has always been something of a dice roll for me. I'll sleep well for a stretch, then go through a stretch where I bolt out of bed for 10 days straight as if the house is on fire. Lucky if I'm unconscious for 4-5 hours straight. Have learned to view both as the same thing: me.

    When I'm in the kind of state you're in these days? Well, I don't sleep so well, don't do a lot of things so well, but find I kind of ride through it by giving myself permission to just get tossed around. Sort of like surfing, which I do a lot of. Sometimes you ride the waves, sometimes you get pummeled. By allowing all that to be "surfing," rather than just the few seconds of bliss when you're carving, the times when you're getting pounded aren't so bad. Needed, even.

    As for the newly discovered attachment style stuff? While I'm all for exploring those roads, and have burned plenty of rubber on them myself, what I've found is often that I just haven't "attached" to someone who sincerely suits me and am still caught up (emotionally, actually) in an attachment that does not suit my authentic self. In other words, maybe cut yourself a few inches of slack and at least entertain the idea that maybe what you're calling "avoidant" is also "incompatible." Which, yes, is a bummer to process. But doesn't mean you have to look in the mirror, dismantle everything you see, and put it back together.

  4. #24
    Member JakeJakerson's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Uncomfortable as it is, you may find that just giving into it a bit, rather than judging it, will make it more manageable. Kind of like being really sore after exercising—not the best feeling, often legit painful, but connected to something healthy, not unhealthy.

    ...

    Sometimes you ride the waves, sometimes you get pummeled. By allowing all that to be "surfing," rather than just the few seconds of bliss when you're carving, the times when you're getting pounded aren't so bad. Needed, even.

    ...

    In other words, maybe cut yourself a few inches of slack and at least entertain the idea that maybe what you're calling "avoidant" is also "incompatible." Which, yes, is a bummer to process. But doesn't mean you have to look in the mirror, dismantle everything you see, and put it back together.
    I do give into it as much as I can, and it sure as hell is pummeling me each morning. Today, my heart rate was 150BPM after I woke up and stayed that way for a good hour and a feeling of slight dread. No shortness of breath, no chest pains. When it comes to the attachment style stuff, this is something that I want to change not only for my intimate relationships, but even friendships. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I need friends who want to chill and hang out, and I want to be able to not push them away by not investing some time with different people. I've had only a few close friends over the years, and looking back, I could have had many more but I was too preoccupied with myself.
    Last edited by JakeJakerson; 05-24-2020 at 02:25 PM.

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  6. #25
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    I'm sorry you're feeling anxious. Yes friendship requires getting out of yourself, out of your head -friendship is giving and receiving. If you want friends who want to chill and hang out you have to show up (right now virtually I guess) and be reliable and trustworthy and the sort of listener who's not always rehearsing what to say next. For example many of the moms in my various Facebook mom groups post messages about desperately wanting to make new friends, feeling isolated but when it comes down to it they're not willing to put in the effort to make and keep a plan. I've experienced this personally and seen it happen on the threads on my Facebook groups.

  7. #26
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    I’ve been having the same problem. In the evening the anxiety seems to subside and I can think a little more clearly and organize my thoughts better. So in these moments when I’m feeling ok I journal all my rational thoughts and even solutions that may come up during my journal session. The next morning, I read my journal and it really makes a difference in my day. The anxiety isn’t so bad. Do this whenever you feel ok and read it in the morning. Let me know how it goes.

  8. #27
    Member JakeJakerson's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dcb83
    I journal all my rational thoughts and even solutions that may come up during my journal session. The next morning, I read my journal ... Do this whenever you feel ok and read it in the morning. Let me know how it goes.
    I've been doing this since it started. It helps in the moment, but, soon afterwards, the thoughts come back. Even reading the notes days later just reminds me of what brought me to those thoughts in the first place. I believe that it's more situational than anything else as time seems to be helping.

    Just today, I saw a picture of a random couple with their heads together as they looked at their baby and it struck a cord. However, only for a short moment did I take the feelings, observe them, let them flow, and I was okay. The emotions are much less intense in duration, but still, in those short moments, they feel just as powerful.

    I still long for a meaningful relationship, but I'm realizing that if I can care this much for someone who can leave me three times and have as many flaws as she had, someone can love me just the same, if not more, with all of my flaws.

  9. #28
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    So the thoughts will always return -it's what you do with them that matters. It's not about flaws or quantity. It's about whether you are compatible with the person whatever the flaws.

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