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Thread: Talking to guy with mental health issues

  1. #41
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You asked "Any ideas on how to show him he can open up to me and that im there for him?" and the answer is, what you already have done..verbally. Other than that, nope.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Poptart66
    I know i cant help him
    I don't believe you when you say this.

    Why else would you tell him you were there for him, and that he's not alone?

    You certainly don't say these things out of indifference or spite.

    You say them because want to lend a hand to someone in need.

    That is helping.

    Problem is, he hasn't actually asked you for help.

    You don't seem to believe that he is capable of taking care of himself.

    But you have no basis for that belief. It's a story that you made up.

    You don't actually know him. You just feel like you do.

    Originally Posted by Poptart66
    Its clear that people think i shouldnt be talking to him or entertaining the idea of meeting.
    Nobody said that. Talk all you want. Meet.

    People just think you're preoccupied with him to a degree that is not healthy for you.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    long distance or otherwise is it not abit of a move to rule him out as an option purely because he suffers with depression? If everyone thought like that then how would those that suffer ever get a chance in life?

    You're not thinking about what's best for you. You're more worried about people who suffer from depression not finding love. I've chosen not to get involved with guys for all kinds of reasons, such as if they had a small child and I was about to have an empty nest, and I wanted a companion who had more time for me which a parent with a small child would lack.

    I was married to my first husband who suffered from depression and refused to treat it in the longterm, only one period of short term when everything was great. I don't recommend entering a romantic relationship with someone who isn't managing his depression, which he isn't since he speaks of feeling low and wanting to isolate. You obviously have a crush on him, and right now have a rescuing mentality or a willingness to support him through whatever troubles he has. Why put yourself through getting attached to a stranger with these issues? The average relationship, without have a partner who suffers through depression, is stressful enough. Why begin a relationship knowing this is the case? It won't make you a bad person to reject a partnership if it's in your best interest. Knowing others who suffer from depression is far different than having a lifetime partner with that issue. It was the reason for the demise of my first marriage and I'd wished I'd been more mature and had more life experience before choosing my marital partner. It's not fun eating dinner without a conversation and then he gets up and goes into his man cave for alone time. It's a lonely existence, and along with walking on eggshells with the anger that some exhibit. Giving you a reality check from someone who knows. Take care.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by Poptart66
    I am not 100% sure about meeting yet anyway. He is the one that wants to meet. I dont think it is to pursue a relationship though. I think he just wants to meet because we have been talking and get along well.

    That being said, even if it was that he wanted to meet to start a relationship, long distance or otherwise is it not abit of a move to rule him out as an option purely because he suffers with depression? If everyone thought like that then how would those that suffer ever get a chance in life?
    Huh? Giving someone a chance doesn't mean you have to meet a stranger with mental health issues who lives far from you in person. There are many ways to support. I gave you my best advice on how to be a supportive person. He is not your friend. He is a stranger you are getting to know. I think you should rule out meeting him because (1) the long distance; (2) he is a stranger and (3) he has mental health issues that he is subjecting you to by acting in a hot and cold/distant way. I think if you were to meet him you have to be 100% clear on what the purpose is of meeting in person. Since he has a disability there's more of a risk of leading him on without complete clarity.

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  6. #45
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    I think you are very compassionate and you not being biased about him having mental health issues is admirable. I have a serious mental illness so I can only speak from my perception.

    As I too dealt with severe depression and major anxiety most of my life. Iím very lucky I found my boyfriend who understands me without having a mental illness of his own. I was once in a relationship with a guy who was diagnosed with a more severe disorder for eleven years. Quite frankly Iím happier with the guy Iím currently with, as two people severely mentally ill clash quite often. So I see you being a great support in his life.

    As I read though this guy sounds like he needs to work on himself more. Heís very deserving of love and companionship but he may not be fully ready. I was with my ex the last three years when he literally lost his mind. He was in and out of mental hospitals and I gave as much of myself as I could. You can only do so much. The harsh truth my ex knew I was there for him but he couldnít work on getting better for himself so therefore in the end he couldnít be in touch with reality enough to continue a relationship with me.

    Now thatís a more severe experience then what you are up against and itís very different but it still rings true the main intention. You ask how do you show him you are there for him? You can do everything in your power to show him you are there for him. But it wonít matter at the end of the day if this guy is unable to accept it.

    The thing about depression it turns your world dark. The people that are there for you can seem like an enemy. You feel sad because youíre isolated but in a weird way it feels good to isolate yourself. Then you have moments of clarity that are brief and far and few in between. In those moments you make plans with friends.

    Be careful not to get too sucked into his dark world of depression. It will bring you down. Meeting him is a good idea if you go in with the intention there is only so much you can do. You have to protect your own heart. Also I agree with the above post that you let him know your intentions up front.

  7. #46
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    For everyone saying that i shouldnt meet him because he is a stranger, again i ask... how is it any different from meeting someone from an online dating site? Clearly im missing something here because i really dont see how its so different. People do that all the time and it is considered normal so why is it so bad in this case?

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by Poptart66
    For everyone saying that i shouldnt meet him because he is a stranger, again i ask... how is it any different from meeting someone from an online dating site? Clearly im missing something here because i really dont see how its so different. People do that all the time and it is considered normal so why is it so bad in this case?
    I have a feeling those discouraging you from meeting him would say the same if he were a local guy on a dating app who also warned you that he has mental health issues. It's concerning, no matter whether the person is 2 or 2 000 kilometres away.

    The long-distance factor amplifies pre-existing obstacles (mental health, in this case) because it makes it more challenging to really get to know someone, see them in their everyday surroundings, and meet them frequently enough to form a true bond. It can happen, sure, but it is not the same as meeting someone local. It takes a lot more trust, consistent and open communication and mutual investment to make something last when you're not in each other's vicinity and can't spend much time together in person. When you add a mental illness of some type into that mix, you're up against a big challenge. If he finds it difficult sometimes to maintain communication when you're just friends, for instance, that is likely to get even harder when you add the normal expectations of a relationship and the "pressure" is greater, so to speak. Those already suffering from a mental health condition are generally not well-equipped to handle the stress long-distance inherently places on a relationship. You're taking a bigger gamble with your own heart and feelings, in other words.

    To be clear, I hear what you're saying in terms of the initial meeting online between someone local and someone long-distance: in either case, the person is a stranger. It's simply that geographic distance generally means that it takes much longer and more effort to figure out if this stranger is a good person and suitable dating candidate.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I have a feeling those discouraging you from meeting him would say the same if he were a local guy on a dating app who also warned you that he has mental health issues. It's concerning, no matter whether the person is 2 or 2 000 kilometres away.

    The long-distance factor amplifies pre-existing obstacles (mental health, in this case) because it makes it more challenging to really get to know someone, see them in their everyday surroundings, and meet them frequently enough to form a true bond. It can happen, sure, but it is not the same as meeting someone local. It takes a lot more trust, consistent and open communication and mutual investment to make something last when you're not in each other's vicinity and can't spend much time together in person. When you add a mental illness of some type into that mix, you're up against a big challenge. If he finds it difficult sometimes to maintain communication when you're just friends, for instance, that is likely to get even harder when you add the normal expectations of a relationship and the "pressure" is greater, so to speak. Those already suffering from a mental health condition are generally not well-equipped to handle the stress long-distance inherently places on a relationship. You're taking a bigger gamble with your own heart and feelings, in other words.

    To be clear, I hear what you're saying in terms of the initial meeting online between someone local and someone long-distance: in either case, the person is a stranger. It's simply that geographic distance generally means that it takes much longer and more effort to figure out if this stranger is a good person and suitable dating candidate.
    Ok... but i am not looking to date this guy and i dont think he is looking for a relationship either. We are just talking. Yes the conversation can be quite flirty sometimes, usually him that turns it that way, like for instance yesterday i joked about sending him some things as i was going to the shop, ie sweets and drinks, he then said what if i got carried away and sent underwear and turns the conversation a little and we have had a few more 'detailed' conversations about things like that, but i dont think he is actually looking for our talking to go anywhere. Not relationship wise atleast

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It's surprising that between school, work, friends, family, interests and hobbies that you have all this time for this. Do you have real life friends you can talk to?
    Us Brits think of school as being where children go until they're 16 or 18, but I've heard Americans say "school" plenty of times when they're talking about college or university, so I imagine Wiseman2 was referring to that rather than assuming you're a kid.

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by Poptart66
    Ok... but i am not looking to date this guy and i dont think he is looking for a relationship either. We are just talking. Yes the conversation can be quite flirty sometimes, usually him that turns it that way, like for instance yesterday i joked about sending him some things as i was going to the shop, ie sweets and drinks, he then said what if i got carried away and sent underwear and turns the conversation a little and we have had a few more 'detailed' conversations about things like that, but i dont think he is actually looking for our talking to go anywhere. Not relationship wise atleast
    You keep comparing things to what if you met him on a dating site?
    I think you enjoy his flirting and certainly do see it more than a stranger with deep depression?
    Your contact with him is not selfless.

    And if you truly were more concerned about him than what you can get out of it , you would suggest he talk to people he knows and trusts and stop allowing the flirting.

    You are doing more harm than good.

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