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Thread: I want my ex back but she is engaged?!? Help!

  1. #11
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    The Chaldean Christians are an ancient culture of Iraq. Many have been slaughtered during the last 10 years by fighting in the area.

    So those that could left Iraq.

    Trying to fit in to new areas, many immigrants stay apart to hang onto their culture.

    This lady you want to be with is engaged to marry. You really need to move on.

    You know nothing of her family, her wishes, her struggles.

    It is not meant to be.

    Don't try to be knight in shining armor. It is not a Hollywood movie. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    The Chaldean Christians are an ancient culture of Iraq. Many have been slaughtered during the last 10 years by fighting in the area.

    So those that could left Iraq.

    Trying to fit in to new areas, many immigrants stay apart to hang onto their culture.

    This lady you want to be with is engaged to marry. You really need to move on.

    You know nothing of her family, her wishes, her struggles.

    It is not meant to be.

    Don't try to be knight in shining armor. It is not a Hollywood movie.
    Thanks for the reply.

    She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me. I offered her my home if she ever needed to run away ( she mentioned this to me as well )

    Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She has told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more devasting to me.

    I just feel like I am made a mistake or need to do something...This one just happened so fast I could not react. If she would have told me she was getting engaged, loved him, and was happy, I would have more closure and can heal quicker. Now I have to beat myself up and pick up the pieces

  3. #13
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    I'm sorry, OP. This was never going to work.

    The cultural and family ties are too much to overcome. I don't think you could have done anything differently.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't do anything. It will make you out to be an overpowering and inappropriate person who is only acting in his own interests. She has already blocked you and said no. No means no. Don't try to look for trouble here. You've been causing issues in that family for awhile. Take a step back and focus on your own plans for your future. This wasn't a surprise. You've known that you are not accepted by that family on several occasions and it's been made explicitly clear to you.

    Sometimes we want something so badly and anything else feels like second best and a blow to the ego and the heart. Maybe ask yourself why she has such a hold over you that it seems like a terrible drug. Snap out of that haze and start thinking of what's best for you.

    Any drama from the past regarding her siblings is her business and her family's business. If they don't want to get to know another American, they've made it clear so count your blessings that you are no longer in contact with judgmental people or people who can't put their prejudices aside. Whatever idea they have of Americans has nothing to do with you either so don't hold that as a chip over your shoulder. Be that person who is understanding, kind, intelligent and knows when to take a big step back.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Dr Whom
    Thanks for the reply.

    She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me. I offered her my home if she ever needed to run away ( she mentioned this to me as well )

    Her dad died in Iraq from a suicide bomber so I suggested that I would ask her mom permission to marry her. I wanted to meet her mom and she said no because her mom already determined Americans are players for what a girl did to her son. She already was engaged before and she broke it off and her family had to move to a different city because of stigma in her culture? She has told me that she hates chaldeans and wants to marry for love which is why this more devasting to me.

    I just feel like I am made a mistake or need to do something...This one just happened so fast I could not react. If she would have told me she was getting engaged, loved him, and was happy, I would have more closure and can heal quicker. Now I have to beat myself up and pick up the pieces
    Why did you copy and paste the same response many times? Be honest though, are you ready to marry this girl? Do you want to marry in general? If the answers are "no, then really you have no choice in this situation. The only way you could have continued to date this girl is if you married. You were actually being FORCED to get married. It's not like you made your own choice and decided to propose. To me the whole thing sounds like it was doomed right from the start. You are worlds apart from this girl in terms of culture. The term "culture clash" exists for a reason.

  7. #16
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    Two minutes of googling about Chaldean culture can inform you more about what you face than kvetching about it here.

  8. #17
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    Personally, I would respect her culture and beliefs. I don't think it would ever work out, so why stir up trouble?

    I'm trying really hard not to judge but this, to me, is completely ridiculous: "She wanted to be engaged within a few weeks of our first date." Really??? Let's get serious, Dr Whom!

    Her engagement is probably arranged, hence, the reason she didn't tell you. She was more likely told/forced to become engaged and didn't have a choice in the matter. Don't cause trouble for her. You already said that her brother beats her. Please, don't be the cause for more bodily harm to her. She is not your responsibility. Hey, to each his own, however, I would forget her and hope she is happy. I'm not trying to make light of it, but you haven't known her that long. You are in pain, I get it, but I think you should accept the fact that she's not for you. She's blocked you. You both said your peace and now you both must go on your separate paths. I would forget her and hope she is happy. Accept that some things in life are not meant to be.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Why did you copy and paste the same response many times? Be honest though, are you ready to marry this girl? Do you want to marry in general? If the answers are "no, then really you have no choice in this situation. The only way you could have continued to date this girl is if you married. You were actually being FORCED to get married. It's not like you made your own choice and decided to propose. To me the whole thing sounds like it was doomed right from the start. You are worlds apart from this girl in terms of culture. The term "culture clash" exists for a reason.
    I am ready to marry this girl and I wanted er to have my children. I would have learned arabic if needed to get her families blessing. I am regretting that I never proposed before her mom found out she was seeing me. I regret not proposing the last time I saw her as well. I just sitting here beating myself up on what went wrong

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Don't do anything. It will make you out to be an overpowering and inappropriate person who is only acting in his own interests. She has already blocked you and said no. No means no. Don't try to look for trouble here. You've been causing issues in that family for awhile. Take a step back and focus on your own plans for your future. This wasn't a surprise. You've known that you are not accepted by that family on several occasions and it's been made explicitly clear to you.

    Sometimes we want something so badly and anything else feels like second best and a blow to the ego and the heart. Maybe ask yourself why she has such a hold over you that it seems like a terrible drug. Snap out of that haze and start thinking of what's best for you.

    Any drama from the past regarding her siblings is her business and her family's business. If they don't want to get to know another American, they've made it clear so count your blessings that you are no longer in contact with judgmental people or people who can't put their prejudices aside. Whatever idea they have of Americans has nothing to do with you either so don't hold that as a chip over your shoulder. Be that person who is understanding, kind, intelligent and knows when to take a big step back.
    Thanks for the reply

    Just a lot of regret that i didn't propose to show her and her family that I was serious...

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, it's selfish. You are putting her in danger. She got beaten up for seeing you. Leave her alone.
    Originally Posted by Dr Whom
    I mail her a birthday gift which gets her in trouble with her family again. She admitted that her brother hit her ( she showed me the bruises ) and it was because of me.

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