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Thread: Boyfriend doesn't tell girls about me.

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend doesn't tell girls about me.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year and a half. I have met his family and I lived with them for a few months. But he told me that he doesn't want me to meet his friends when I told him that I'd like to. I asked him if his friends know he has a girlfriend, and he told me yes. But he talks to a bunch of females who he doesn't want to tell about me. He says he wants to keep his relationship private from them.

    He admitted to going to girl's Facebook profiles and reacting to their photos with an "angry" face, and I told him that it looks like he's flirting with them since he won't do the same thing to his male friends. But he insists that if he did it to his male friends, then they would think he is interested in them. But he simultaneously says he isn't flirting with the girls.

    I asked him to stop keeping me a secret from his female friends and to stop treating his female friends differently from his male friends, and be told me that I am just trying to change his personality and that he thinks I am trying to mold him into a different person. Is it wrong for me to ask him to stop talking to girls without telling them he has a girlfriend? If he didn't act different with his female friends than how he acts with his male friends, then I wouldn't always be feeling disrespected.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    You can ask him to do anything you want. You can tell him what to do too. But the asks may or may not be reasonable for most healthy people...and the telling what to do will backfire most of the time...I donít know anyone who likes to be told what to do.

    Iím getting the feeling from your post that heís diligently keeping you a secret from his social circle and female acquaintances. Personally I donít think thatís something you can force him into wanting to change. Or convince him by asking in a particular way. In other words, my opinion is that ďtacticsĒ arenít effective in these dynamics.

    It would hurt my feelings too much to be with somebody who was either a) embarrassed by me or b) keeping her options open and therefore keeping me secret and separate from the rest of her life. I would probably tell my partner this is how I see it and if you arenít willing to make serious changes here Iím going to leave. But Iíd be 100% ready to leave for good if my partner didnít get fully on board...if you say youíre leaving and then donít? Well it always seems to exacerbate bad situations even further when that happens.

    All the best.

  3. #3
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    It is wrong and futile to ask him to behave in a certain way that you think he should.

    You can however tell him that certain actions make you feel unappreciated or disrespected.

    I do find it hard to believe that you lived with his family for some months and never met ANY of his friends?
    Does he actually have any real life friends?

    Or have you actually met his real life friends and not his ďonlineĒ ones that he might not have ever met anyway???

    Friendships between guys and girls are naturally different to friendships between guys and guys.
    So to expect the same interaction from him between his guy fb friends and girl fb friends is unrealistic.

    You say he has admitted to sending girls angry emojis? How is that flirting?
    And what do you mean by admitting??! You have been spying on his fb confronted him???

    You either trust him or donít.
    If you feel the need to spy , then you donít trust him , so why stay with him?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. This is not about social media likes. Why did you live with his family?

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  6. #5
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    I would not date someone who kept me a secret.

    You can be almost certain he's trying to look single for a reason. Why have you tolerated this so long? This isn't what love looks like, girl.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Never date a guy who keeps you a secret. Period.

    If he won't introduce you to his female friends, means they aren't friends, they are women he'd like to get with or is getting with. He is presenting himself as single to them and introducing you would wreck his game.

    Dump this loser and run like your hair is on fire. In the future, never ever tolerate being treated like that unless you love dating cheaters and all the associated drama and STD's you will get from them. On that note, please do get tested. This is not a guy you can trust with your health and well being.

    OP - you cannot ask, beg, plead, teach, or talk someone into having good moral character. When a person demonstrates to you that they don't have any character to speak of, lies, and gaslights you, your response is to walk away immediately from that person and stay away.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    But this is how he feels and this is something he values. Asking him to act differently is one thing, but he's still going to not value your feelings on this. He can do it begrudgingly, but wouldn't want to be with someone who is proud to introduce you to everyone? And not because you insisted on it?

    What matters here is that he is showing you something very important. He wants to keep you a secret. Instead of trying to control that (because you can't) it should be a clear indication of how much he does or does not value his relationship with you.
    It would be a deal breaker for me. I am nobody's secret.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I would not date someone who kept me a secret.

    You can be almost certain he's trying to look single for a reason. Why have you tolerated this so long? This isn't what love looks like, girl.
    This^^^^ I wouldn't either. You can pretty much tell within the first few weeks where things are going. 99% of the guys I dated wanted to introduce me to their friends and hang out with them like after the 2nd or 3rd date...why did you put up with this for a year and a half?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Some men try to be harem masters. Leave them to it. When you are regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's the wrong one for you. He has the right to be who he is, and you have the right to say "This isn't working for me."

    He's not the only cute, sexy guy in your locality. Be free to choose one who knows how to behave in an exclusive relationship.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I would not date someone who kept me a secret.

    You can be almost certain he's trying to look single for a reason.
    Years ago, I met a guy in a bar named Ed.

    Ed gave me two numbers and told me not to call one of them. He explained that his secretary would pick up and that she would get pissed.

    Ed's friend laughed and agreed, and made some odd remark like, "She does his laundry, too."

    I thought it was weird, but I didn't give it much thought because I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. I was exchanging numbers with Ed because he offered to help me shop for a compound bow at the pro shop.

    And he did help me. I got a nice bow with a great set up and a manageable draw and I'm still happy with it to this day. But that's not the point of this story.

    This was back when I was in my 20s and I naively believed that this guy Ed was interested in friendship. He wasn't.

    A month or two after I purchased the bow, Ed called me. It was Valentine's Day and he invited me out. I declined because I was spending time with my boyfriend.

    I was really surprised at the amount of grief Ed proceeded to give me over not coming out. I found it bizarre actually, because we'd hardly communicated at in the weeks since we shopped for the bow. Now he was trying to lay on the guilt really thick.

    Ed's campaign was was effective enough to make me promise to call him the next day. He didn't sound too happy about it, but I wasn't willing to offer more.

    The next day, I called him and it went to voicemail. Since my conscience was somewhat provoked over the previous night's discussion, I called the other number. The forbidden one.

    A girl picked up and I asked for Ed. She said he wasn't available, so I left my name and number.

    Ed called me back literally an instant later, LIVID that I'd called that number! Apparently, the girl I spoke to, the supposed 'secretary,' was his girlfriend!

    I have no idea why he would give me his girlfriend's number and tell me not to call. I imagine he enjoyed infidelity and drama.

    Anyway, Ed and I never spoke again. But I get the impression that his girlfriend was used to his nonsense and that she probably stuck around, poor soul.

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