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Thread: Not ready for marriage, not ready with me?

  1. #11

    I dont understand

    Feeling like I'm losing my mind. Been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and we spent the first 9 months doing long distance because of my job, I would see him every 2 weeks. In January we discussed our future and we decided that I should quit my job, mainly because he didn't want to do the distance anymore but in doing so it meant that we had 6 months to get married else my visa would expire. But at the time it's exactly what we wanted and the direction our relationship was heading in. Things were great, we were partners and life was great until it became time to start planning on getting married. With Covid making things even harder too. I noticed that whenever I would bring it up he would stonewall me. Eventually I snapped and just asked if he even wanted to get married and he said no, and that I'm forcing him. I was so shocked, we had discussed a plan and it was never my idea, now I was being told I was forcing him. We had hired a lawyer and done all the paperwork necessary. Why waste all that money that we don't have if it's not what he wanted?Freaking hurts. I love him so much and he knows that but I guess it doesn't go both ways. So my visa is only valid for 2 more weeks and with Covid my country has been in lockdown. There was one repatriation flight on monday which I said I would take and he literally just said do whatever you want. no care in the world. I left my job, drained all my accounts to build a good life with him and I just feel stupid, embarrassed and crazy.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Get on the plane and don't look back. My advice about him remains the same.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    A year ago this relationship was having issues due to his ex (who he has children with!). Also his financial issues.

    This man was never going to be the relationship you wanted.

    Sorry for how things turned out, but now you can be free to pursue the right relationship when you're ready.

  4. 05-30-2020, 08:35 PM
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    Duplicate

  5. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lifesabeach
    Feeling like I'm losing my mind. Been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and we spent the first 9 months doing long distance because of my job, I would see him every 2 weeks. In January we discussed our future and we decided that I should quit my job, mainly because he didn't want to do the distance anymore but in doing so it meant that we had 6 months to get married else my visa would expire. But at the time it's exactly what we wanted and the direction our relationship was heading in. Things were great, we were partners and life was great until it became time to start planning on getting married. With Covid making things even harder too. I noticed that whenever I would bring it up he would stonewall me. Eventually I snapped and just asked if he even wanted to get married and he said no, and that I'm forcing him. I was so shocked, we had discussed a plan and it was never my idea, now I was being told I was forcing him. We had hired a lawyer and done all the paperwork necessary. Why waste all that money that we don't have if it's not what he wanted?Freaking hurts. I love him so much and he knows that but I guess it doesn't go both ways. So my visa is only valid for 2 more weeks and with Covid my country has been in lockdown. There was one repatriation flight on monday which I said I would take and he literally just said do whatever you want. no care in the world. I left my job, drained all my accounts to build a good life with him and I just feel stupid, embarrassed and crazy.
    What kinds of arguments did you have leading up to the stonewalling? People stonewall because they've reached their limits usually. There's an unspoken belief or understanding that no matter what else is said nothing else helps or changes things. It's a person checking out and it can also be emotional blackmail for the manipulative type.

    He, however, seems like he's checked out completely.

    My advice to you is to gather your things, your wits and your dignity about you and don't waste a minute's hesitation more. Start thinking more on your terms. All those months or years you've been without him prior to meeting him? Yes, all that time. Switch gears and flip the switch. The amount of time this person has existed in your life vs. not existed is minimal. You know what to do. It will be painful and you may feel the earth give way under you as you reorganize your reality and revert to thinking of yourself as an individual but that is what has to be done. Put yourself first from now on. This person's life is no longer a part of yours. There's no time to feel stupid, embarrassed or crazy. Be a survivor and start thinking of yourself first. Process all of this in due time but don't be paralyzed. Move now and take care of yourself.

    Something to keep in mind: there are people out there who won't be as self-aware, honest or forthcoming as yourself. Yes, they exist. When you look back at this one day, you'll be able to tell the difference and you'll be the wiser. For now, please take care of yourself and don't linger.

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  7. #15
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Well that's a shame. Get a ticket on that flight and pack your stuff and move on. It sucks, of course, but you need to go home while you can.

  8. #16
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Threads have been merged.

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