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Thread: A peaceful vent

  1. #1
    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
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    A peaceful vent

    2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months.

    This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life.

    A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end.

    While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become.
    I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop.

    Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories.

    And then one day the therapist happened.

    To be continued...:)

  2. #2
    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
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    I wanted my 2020 to be only with memories where i do something for me only. I had been a giver throughout my life be it with Mom,sis and the ex.

    Therapist was not a known one she works in super isolation but She has a phd in psychology and is also a well known corporate trainer, a life coach for many. She has been to my company and where my ex works now.
    We spoke, she said go with your gut and call me if you want to meet up. I had her contact from a friend for six months, but didnt have the courage, when we spoke it was like about 1 month after the abusive interaction with the ex.

    Before i met her i gifted myself a Ford SUV on my birthday and drove to my therapist place with that for first time.

    She is of same age probably younger than me not sure but very mature and understanding. Her place is nearby my ex's parents home. My ex used to stay there and i used to hang around during the dating phase. I was little worried if she knew her, but she said even she did our thing will remain confidential.

    I spoke about the childhood abuses of mine and experiences in our first meeting. I spoke about fear of life in general, like i had a fear for driving, vertigo, and reacting to abuse, somebody shouts at you and becomes mean and nasty, i go into shutdown mode, just freeze cant fight back.
    She was happy i bought the suv, that was something i wished to get with all my savings :)...am happy that is what matters.

    She explained that all the experiences i went through including the panic attacks where due to the endurance thing i have for abuse. I don't walk away when it happens. I just endure as long as i can and then vanish.You loose yourself with all such experiences in life, sometimes you have a better option to react in a positive way, like walk away or just calmly explain to the other person that their behavior is not something you can put up with it and leave if they continue.
    But none of this happened with me, i kept enduring everything from childhood till now.

    She asked me am i in touch with my ex, i said i have blocked her on all platforms. Told her I tried removing her quite a few times from block and few common friends talk about us but i go into shut mode, i completely isolate myself. I go back to blocking her.

    She explained healing through multiple methods, through art, through hypnosis, through journalling, analyzes you the way you write, they call it something in psychology

    understand why the other person is reacting the way they do, its not your problem its theirs.
    Why we put our self in a position for the other person to hurt us, why dont we choose to walk away? be it in relationship, friendship or professional

    The whole point to all the negative and bad experiences in life is - love & respect yourself more than anybody else, this need to be understood first just like we eat good food, go to college do our work etc.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Art
    ==

    Our paintings, way we write , can be analyzed to how we feel about life in general or the way we understand it
    I drew a painting of a man walking with his umbrella on in a rainy season alone. I showed her some of my journals.

    This was the first painting i drew after about 3 decades, i was a good painter in school, won few competitions but i never took that passion of mine through adulthood.

    The grind of engineering college and work in general just made this passion to take a back seat....it never went with me as i kept experience life the way i thought was meant to be.

    Nothing is meant to happen, we need to work towards it, be it finding a good partner, saying no to some who you dont feel are right for you.
    Unfortunately with majority of my relationships after 5 or 6 months the signs were there but we givers dont let go of the hope and always wish that this is the one. The problem with this notion is the other party gets away with treating you without respect.The harm that it does to you - you change, there are behavior changes, sometimes we dont react the way we should cause of the trauma that the disrespect & abuse inflicts upon us.

    It is only us who can take good care of our well being. We can be in a healthy relationship, friendships that you can rely upon when you are down and one that you can share your happiness with is very important for our lives.
    Learn to say No, be brave to walk away from people who dont respect you, put you down often. You are not avoiding them or being childish, immature by blocking them, you are creating healthy boundaries for you, your well being.
    Yes you love them but they dont, if your gut says somethings wrong about them, believe.

    Its simple people whom you choose to be special in your life obviously were chosen for a reason and if they change and start hurting you, they dont belong in your life any more, they need to sort out their issues, its them not you.

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    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
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    If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down

    I just keep reading these motivational quotes from people these days.

    if we fail, there are lot of learnings in that failure, its all the mindset, the attitude that matters

    Make yourself so strong that no failures can defeat you.

    Dont be afraid to love again, dont fear, fear keeps you from learning, fear will tell you never to love again.

    Take up that thing in life that you thought was impossible to achieve, you will fail but you will learn, knowledge of failure will keep you going in life its the most precious lesson one can give our self.

    There is no bigger teacher than your last big failure.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
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    Gratitude

    Be grateful to whatever you have achieved in life, if you have helped somebody in life or havent , step out of that old life of yours and give something to the less privileged.

    Gratitude heals us, being sensitive to others plight or situation makes you human. If somebody tells you are over sensitive its not you, its them....they dont understand your sensitivity, they will never, leave them.

    Be grateful for the life you have, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your kids, your partner, they are your real treasures.


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