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Thread: Would really appreciate advice and opinions on this please

  1. #1

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    Would really appreciate advice and opinions on this please

    My ex bf and I were together for a few months. Over the past few weeks we have had a few arguments (four) the last one being the weekend before last. The arguments weren’t bad or abusive just prolonged and we went back and forth a bit. In fact they were over trivial things, it wasn't what we argued over but how we argued. I admit I have difficulty managing emotions and get emotional and defensive quickly, in addition he has had issues with managing emotions like anger and tension in the past and has had therapy for this. Subsequently while i tried to resolve them quickly he always dragged them on for days as he couldnt remove those feelings of anger and frustration. I acknowledged my side and vowed to work on it and he said he had noticed an improvement but he was afraid to give me a chance in case my emotions took over again in a future argument.

    The week before that everything was perfect we were very happy spent lots of time together and he told me he loved me as usual. During last week (post argument) he went back and forth saying he was afraid the arguing would continue and he didn’t know what to do about the relationship. He said he didn’t want to break up but he was afraid of the fights continuing. When I asked him did he love me he said he feels his heart isnt in it but he did feel it before. I dont know if he loved me but I do believe he did have strong feelings for me.

    Friday night he was starting to come round, we stopped talking about it. We met Saturday morning and all was good like normal he was affectionate etc then I asked how he felt about things now and he said he still didn’t know he was torn he didn’t want to end it but wanted the arguments to end so I told him he needed to make a decision. a few hours later he said he wanted to break up, I asked him to give it a week and he agreed. We met saturday evening and he said he didnt know how he felt he didnt know if the relationship was worth continuing and didnt know how he felt about me or if his heart was in it. We agreed to meet Sunday and talk more and spend time together and when I went to his house he was affectionate as usual then he broke up with me and said he didn’t feel the same and his heart wasn’t in it. He said he was conflicted and when I mentioned breaking up he thought about it and felt it was best. I asked is it possible his feelings could be suppressed due to the conflict and tension he said he didn’t know. I asked did he want to continue talking and see me again and He said yes and said we could meet up next week but I havent heard from him since.

    He said he cares about me. He also said before after an argument a few weeks ago he didn’t know if he loved me but once we spent time together he did get the feelings back. He said he didn’t feel anything when he ended it but he was stressed about the whole thing because we had been discussing it for so long. Is there any possibility that with time apart he may come back and give it a chance? I would appreciate if people wouldnt tell me to move on.I feel yes he is immature, he is inexperienced, and he is unstable and has issues. But I also feel he ended the relationship quite quickly and didnt give it a proper chance. I plan on giving him space for as long as possible but I am starting to miss him. Any opinions and advice would be appreciated thanks

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If you have to ask someone this much about how they feel about you, the answer is not good. My gut feeling on your situation is that you've felt him backing out for some time and it's triggered some very anxious feelings for you and a lot of uncertainty. That has sort of circled or spiraled downwards and the more you sense him backing away, the more you keep asking about his feelings about you. Next time someone shows their uncertainty towards you or backs away, let them! Do not approach or chase after someone who needs to back away. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you and other times it might. Just let them do what they have to do. Let that person come to you.

    Since he's broken up with you now, don't chase him and don't ask him any more questions. Collect yourself and take a big step back.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Its really hard to give you advice, when you put conditions on it, to only be what you want hear.

    I'm sorry. It goes against my own nature to sugar coat and say things just because thats what you want to hear. It rather goes against good advice...

    You really should focus on why you want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with you.

    It is not love, if the person is unsure or wobbles back and forth. Its just not.

    Why don't you think you can find someone that will love you and not leave you?

    Focus on your own growth, controlling your emotions, being more confident and having more self-esteem to resist this games and traps to stroke some loser's ego....

  4. #4
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    Probably not what you want to hear, but I think he is indeed done.

    You asked him to make a decision, which he did (to break up) When it wasn't the decision you wanted, you asked to wait a week. It's time to really start hearing him and believing he's being honest: He's told you his heart isn't in it, and his actions support that notion. He may well be immature, unstable and inexperienced - but that still doesn't mean he isn't making the right choice for him. All you can do is assume that he knows his own heart and mind better than you do.

    But for clarity, what do you mean when you said you let your emotions take over during an argument? What did you say or do? And what were you two arguing about?

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  6. #5

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    Im still trying to figure this all out and my mood fluctuates.

    My friend also said he is playing games and is abusive and this is a form of control and he will be expecting me to be calling him begging him and told me to ignore him completely

  7. #6

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    I didnt sense it to be honest I only asked him how he felt the day before and day of the BU and only because he kept saying "i dont know", not necessarily when I asked but then again he has said "i dont know" to me before so honestly i didnt take it too seriously. I am trying to stay away as long as i can. not easy but im trying. i am hurt that he gave up so easy and i feel like i have very little value and worth in his life for him to make that decision so quick and easy and also to switch off his feelings so fast aswell

  8. #7
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Honestly the best thing you can do in this situation is give him space. “You want to be alone? Ok I respect that”. If I told you the amount of times I had or a friend had a guy come back after thinking they wanted to be single it is mind blowing and a classic “grass is greener” half the time. Most people think “but won’t he forget about me?” Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It may take a few weeks for him to realize how much he really does want you in his life. DO NOT ASK continuously him how he feels especially if he comes back testing the waters bc with someone who isn’t sure how they feel this is like a noose tightening around their neck and will send them running again. Patience and life your life in the meantime. I know your feeling hurt but keep that to yourself, cry, scream, yell in private - let him see the confident wonderful girl he should be scared someone else could snatch up to remind him what attracted him to you in the first place. No subliminal posts on social media either - this is a big one. I hope realizes and comes back.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by graythings
    Im still trying to figure this all out and my mood fluctuates.

    My friend also said he is playing games and is abusive and this is a form of control and he will be expecting me to be calling him begging him and told me to ignore him completely
    Unless you're leaving out a lot of details, I don't see how your friend is reaching that conclusion.

    It seems pretty clear-cut to me: he's tired of the arguing and wanted to be honest that he doesn't feel strongly enough to continue dating. I don't see where this is some sort of game or control tactic.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by graythings
    I didnt sense it to be honest I only asked him how he felt the day before and day of the BU and only because he kept saying "i dont know", not necessarily when I asked but then again he has said "i dont know" to me before so honestly i didnt take it too seriously. I am trying to stay away as long as i can. not easy but im trying. i am hurt that he gave up so easy and i feel like i have very little value and worth in his life for him to make that decision so quick and easy and also to switch off his feelings so fast aswell
    Do not take that personally. The reason I say this is because people have different thresholds of what they can and can't put up with, what they find attractive and what they don't. It's one thing to say or think and it's another thing to really live by that. I know how hard it is. If he doesn't appear to have enough stamina to work through things or communicate, you be the judge of that and make your own choices who you want in your life.

    I'd detach and look at him as a person (his own person). He is not attached to you in any way and how he treats you is not a reflection of who you are as a person in your entirety. Always remember that it's a two way street.

    Part of the trick of stepping back is allowing someone to be themselves without forcing them to be what you want them to be. Neither of you are each others' possessions. Detach and don't beat yourself up over this break up. Give yourself time to process and let the dust settle.

    If he wants to come back later, decide later. Don't overanalyze it now. Waiting around has its disadvantages also and can cause a lot of resentment down the line.

  11. #10
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by graythings
    i am hurt that he gave up so easy and i feel like i have very little value and worth in his life for him to make that decision so quick and easy and also to switch off his feelings so fast aswell
    This broke my heart for you as I know this feeling all too well. Listen to me that is NOT a reflection of you. Look into “Dismissive Avoidant” attachment styles. Some people have a very low threshold for emotional conflict and will run away from it making you feel like it’s all your fault for being emotional. These persons usually are easily able to suppress their feelings which may explain how he kind of shuts them off when not with you and being so confused on how he feels. He needs to sort this out on his own. You cannot “convince” someone to be with you and all you will do is make yourself look desperate and nobody ever stays with someone “just because she would be so upset without me”. He needs to come to you by his own accord.

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