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Thread: Out of the blue breakup

  1. #1

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    Out of the blue breakup

    Hi everyone,
    My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me and I was not expecting it at all. I am distraught. He said he doesn't love me anymore and wanted time to himself to focus on his family and work. I am 22 he is 24 and we have never been in the same life stage to live with eachother yet so we see eachother once a week. Currently, we've been more distant which has caused me to become more insecure and more dependent on him. Our breakup evolved over a two hour phone call of crying and trying to express our feelings. We got into a little fight about following someone on Instagram and the conversation ended with being over. It was never angry or welling fighting.
    He still says he wants to marry me but wants space from our relationship. I can give him that in our relationship but he wants out. He wants to maybe get back together in a few months... I never imaged us breaking up, ever. We planned on moving in together in a few months.
    Within hours of breaking up with he was on a dating app that my friends sent me a screenshot of. I felt so disrespected and called him immediately. He apologized and knows it was wrong. I don't think he has intentions of dating anyone else he just wants more freedom, lust and a distraction from leaving me because I know it wasn't easy for him either. He says he still loves me but not in the way he used to.
    I am so hurt and can not go 10 minute without crying. I need him and am in love with him but he lost his love for me.
    I really need someone to talk to or give opinions please. None of my friends have had a serious stable relationship like I had that can talk to me.

  2. #2

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    Please reply and talk with me

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by KJ22
    Please reply and talk with me
    I'm sorry your going thru this.

    It's a very tough thing to go through. The first thing you need to do is love yourself enough to get someone who doesn't value you, out of your life

  4. #4

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    night!
    actually, almost every social network is a dating app... probably he just... dont quit it in a right time?
    tweny its a tough time for a one partner, one house, one job for a whole life...
    bad for you, but probably at first you should speak with him about it.
    if everything was good, he probably come back sometimes.
    that was with me, but... for the first time waiting was deadly bad.
    kinda there is no air at all.
    sometimes... even married guys have cheatin', hope you have parents and others in real life who can help you dealt with it.
    take care bout yourself, and dont listen your friends more than your heart, and... situation.
    wish you luck, if you guys even dont living with each other thats hurt twice.
    hope you find what you want!

  5. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So very sorry about all this. Your hurt, shades of which most of us here have experienced, jumps off the screen. Internet hugs.

    Aside from the clash over Instagram, were you guys struggling to communicate and connect in recent months? Can you explain a little more about the specifics of the Instagram fight? I'm also curious to hear more about what you mean by becoming more "insecure and dependent" on him lately—how did that manifest?

    I ask all that because when people end things it's typically because they've been frustrated for a period of time—that what feels "out of the blue" to one person was actually something building in another, over time, before breaking. Just trying to understand the context a bit more so I can offer the best advice I can.

    That said, in terms of dealing with the hurt of the here and now? I hope you can give yourself some very real space from him, in order to feel what you need to feel, and heal. While I can certainly understand the comfort in focusing on statements about how he "maybe" will want to be together in the future, that sort of comfort is temporary, and often just leads to more pain. The bottom line is that people who want to be in relationships don't end them, and do not go onto dating apps in the aftermath. He is seeking something right now, and that something is at direct odds with what you want.

    As such, holding onto him is a bit like holding onto a knife. The tighter you squeeze, the more it hurts. And right now what you need to be focused on is healing.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry you are hurting and big internet hugs to you.

    This is really the worst time for a break up.

    That said, please please please stop talking to him and tell all your friends that you do not want to hear about him or know what he is doing and with who. You are broken up and you cannot call him or tell him what he can and cannot do or what is and isn't right anymore. He doesn't answer to you anymore. Also, you are hurting yourself more by keeping tabs.

    My advice is cry, eat ice cream, but then watch some comedy and laugh a little. Distract yourself in ways that make you feel good at least briefly. You have to start accepting that this relationship is over. Unfortunately, what starts at 19 almost never lasts a lifetime. Yes, he is being honest with you that he wants to spread his wings and sow some wild oats. Once you feel better, you need to do the same. These early relationships are more like learning wheels - learning what you like, what you don't like, what you need to seek or do differently in future relationships. What seems so perfect today....in 20/20 hindsight will not look that great. I know you can't imagine that right now, but it will come with time. It always always does. Hugs in the meantime. Please try to keep yourself busy in some way while quarantine goes on.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    It's not true that he eventually wants to marry you. It's a way to do a slow fade and temporarily avoid the extreme drama of saying it's totally over.

    Men who are crazy about you and want a longterm forever love don't say that they want space. It's quite common for relationships that start off in youth, in the late teens and early twenties, don't last a lifetime. Some people want more dating experiences before finally settling down.

    It's okay to be sad and go through a mourning stage. You can't rush that part. But you should now seek to have closure by not communicating with him anymore and to block his number, so that you can move on to the healing stage.

    The right man for you will never leave you, not even once. It's hard to imagine, but fate has someone else in store for you. Stay single for a while and enjoy your friends and family, hobbies/interests, continuing education (unfortunately delayed by the virus). We all suffer breakups and survive, and often learn at some point why it was, in fact, the best thing that could've happened. Take care.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is not ready for marriage

  9. #9
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    Originally Posted by KJ22
    He still says he wants to marry me but wants space from our relationship. I can give him that in our relationship but he wants out.
    Oh, KJ. This was a sad read. This will hurt to hear, but please don't believe him when he says he still wants to marry you. That is likely just a deeply misguided attempt to soften the blow of the break-up. Men who want to marry you don't end the relationship. Full stop.

    It sounds like he'd been having doubts for some time, hence the distance you were feeling from him. That was emotional detachment going on, which you evidently picked up on. It hurts to know your partner is drifting away and it's human to react with insecurity and fear. You knew what was happening but hoped it wasn't. I feel for you; I think many of us have been in that position at some point in our lives. The best thing you can do now, which will be hard, is to not contact him.

    Him being "wrong" for being on a dating app is rather moot at this point. I can certainly agree it was very painful to see it, and he could have been more sensitive and perhaps waited for the dust to settle first. However, it does reveal where him mind is truly at. A stinging wake-up call for you, but maybe it was important for you to know that's what his current mindset it. He wants to be single.

    Out of curiosity, what was the argument over IG about?

  10. #10

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    I'm very sorry his has happened to you. It is horrible but I would urge you to not take it too much to heart or let it affect how you feel about yourself. Accept that the pain wont go away over night. Dont beat yourself up about crying alot - its actually good for you to get your emotions out. Focus on you, spend time talking with friends and family. They loved you before you were with your ex and always will. Do the things that make you happy and comfort yourself. It will pass I promise

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