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Thread: How soon is soon?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I think to be honest it's your own personal choice. I think people's opinions can really vary on this topic. I'm not religious (I'm agnostic), so personally I wouldn't actually wait a few weeks or a few months to get intimate with someone. Maybe I would wait a couple of weeks and have about three dates before I did something intimate. Doesn't necessarily have to be actual sex but probably kissing and fooling around after the third date. I would suggest that you only do anything sexual if you feel completely comfortable and you're sure this guy really likes you. If it's important to you to have a meaningful connection first then yes you may need to wait longer.
    Thank you, I think within a few weeks I would like to do the kissing :)

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Normal is whatever pace it is that you personally feel comfortable with. It's really that simple. If you feel like things are maybe getting too heated, moving too fast - probably is. Always listen to your gut and trust that inner voice. If it's ringing alarm bells, believe it and heed the warning, don't try to rationalize it away. Especially don't rationalize it away by committee, aka asking strangers what they deem normal. There is no such thing as normal, only what's comfortable for you with this particular person.
    Yes I feel that things are getting sexual between us a bit too fast... Both of us have that attraction, I, however, don't wish that to blur my thinking...

    Btw, as I said I have been reading the forums for a while now and have appreciated some of the advice I have seen you have given to some people here :)

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Eliza50
    Do you feel you are in 'an exclusive solid relationship' with this guy? Have you talked about being exclusive? If not, then, don't do something you'll regret.

    The normal time span is different for everyone. Personally, I take my time and it could take up to 4-5 dates or more before I feel comfortable enough to kiss someone and much longer than that to make love with them. My best friend had slept with her now husband on their second date. So, you can't really judge from others' experiences.

    You do what's right for you and stay true to yourself.
    Honestly, I have not talked abut being exclusive with him as I thought it should have been clear to him knowing my boundaries and the fact that I am not after flyings.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    There's no 'normal' time span for these things. It's just what the majority do or percentages in any group. I can't say that I've had any one rule (in terms of time or how things progressed) for every person I've been with. The only rule was that I enjoyed my company with that person.

    I feel like you're more worried about how you might come across or what others might think of you if you move too fast. If that's the case, try not to. We all wonder whether we look crazy or sound stupid. Don't worry over those things. If you enjoy each others' company and you get to a point where you feel comfortable with someone, impressing him won't make a difference. Just be yourself.
    Rose, I am worried how I may come across in his eyes if I move fast. I am a sexually attractive woman but I absolutely do not want to allow any man to play with me. But I won't, I am capable of controlling myself and will wait some months before doing anything :)

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Monogamy before sex. Ask for exclusivity before getting too physical so you know how serious he is. As for how long, that's up to you. When it's right, it's right.
    He seems to be serious so far. He has even started talking about marriage and kids. It is a bit soon for me to talk about such things but i have listened to him and have answered his questions.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    If you're not sure, then its probably too soon (for you). A good rule of thumb, for me is, if I think i might regret doing something, then I don't do it.

    Good decision making comes from a place of trusting yourself and being responsible for all your actions. Doing things and making your own choices because thats what you're comfortable with...

    Meaning, don't feel pressured, either by him or even your own previous relationships or decisions. We change, evolve, make concessions based on new info...

    I think in general, if you stay true to yourself, take responsibility for any consequences, then the decision presents itself.

    If you want to wait, that's cool. If you want to have sex because it feels good and you like this guy, that's cool, too. Just dont compromise your values for someone else. That's where things stop being simple.
    Thank you Lambert for the good advice :)

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    For me it was months - I waited -with one exception - till we were in love and there was rather strong potential for marriage. And back then I insisted he get tested and that he hadn't been with anyone for months -so that the test was accurate. If he wanted, I'd get tested too.
    Yea, for me it is months too :)

  9. #18
    Thanks a lot, Lambert

  10. #19
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    Another reason I waited is because no birth control is foolproof and even though I am pro choice I knew I could not abort an "accidental" pregnancy so we both had to be on the same page as that. I made one exception and I regret taking that risk. I did not get pregnant thank goodness.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Celine2
    Thank you Lambert for the good advice :)
    You're welcome.

    it is a big decision but also not. when things are right, they tend to be easy. Does that mean people won't be jerks and manipulate to get what they want? No. But if a person only wants sex, knows its gonna take several dates, maybe months of time together to get there, they will probably look elsewhere.

    The only time there is real regret is when we attach expectations of others to our actions. like if I sleep with this person, then it means we are exclusive but they never said or agreed to that.

    I think for women, sex can make a bond, but not for men. So you gotta be careful with that, pregnancy and STDs.... Its a lot.

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