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Thread: How to stop my daughter from controlling me and not hurt our relationship?

  1. #1

    How to stop my daughter from controlling me and not hurt our relationship?

    My adult daughter and I are very close overall but she could be very controlling. I feel sometimes I need her permission to make my own decisions including my social life and what I eat. In this health situation out right now itís only gotten worse and sheís doesnít want me to go anywhere or see anyone but Iím already cut very cautious. I told her for example that my cleaning person returned with the understanding that they wear mask and gloves and I had to stop in my office etc. and do some other things she wasnít happy but seem to understand but she has this thing that Iím going to get this terrible virus. It really exacerbates itself in terms of my social life.
    Iíve been seeing someone for almost a year and things are going very well he lives out of state and so does she. But sheís really against me seeing him especially in this environment. Well I think there may be some merit to that I really think sheís using it as an excuse. Now I have another issue because her and her fiancť who live out of state want to visit me for a few weeks. Do I just tell my significant other not to come here? She also stressed I shouldnít see anybody for 14 days before they arrive but her and her fiancť havenít really been totally quarantined themselves. They do go out to see his family although Iím sure keeping in a distance. She also sees her doctor twice a week.
    As it turns out my boyfriend is having outpatient surgery in a few weeks so he took the coronavirus test and heís negative and he will be retested before he goes to the procedure. Do I tell her heís negative so she backs off of it? Just as a means of background she finds something wrong with every man I see since I became a widow years ago. I need her to somehow trust me to make the right decisions but I feel bad if she does feel actually threatened to visit me if I continue to see my boyfriend on the weekends. How should I proceed?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop confiding in her. She seems concerned about you but to a neurotic degree. Simply keep it light and fluffy. 'Everything is fine, I'm fine, it's fine, etc.' You are too over enmeshed and the only way to disengage that is to step back and take control of your own life.

    You don't need to report to her or tell her what you are doing or where you are going etc. Why are you doing that? Uncreate this monster that was created by stepping Way back and stop reporting to her.

    If you are lonely, need to talk, etc go to friends, peers, coworkers, neighbors and talk. If she is on your social media s reset your privacy setting or do not post this much info. This is simple. Stop the TMI.
    Originally Posted by Anxiety789
    My adult daughter and I are very close overall but she could be very controlling. sheís doesnít want me to go anywhere or see anyone but Iím already cut very cautious.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Adopt some adult discretion in what you tell your daughter if you don't want her opinion. Whenever she tells you her opinion on a given matter, consider it just that, and make your own decisions.

    If you don't promise someone that you will 'obey' them, then you're under no obligation to do so.

    It also makes no sense for daughter to visit at this time. I'd tell her that if my door is closed to all people for safety, then that policy extends to her as well.

    You're an adult, so make your own rules. If daughter doesn't 'like' that, too-bad-so-sad. She'll get over it.

  4. #4
    She asks a lot of detailed questions and then I need to lie not to reveal what the details are. I think I need to tell her to stop monitoring me and Iíll be fine.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Be vague but polite. Reassure that you are on top of this. You need to change this .
    Originally Posted by Anxiety789
    She asks a lot of detailed questions and then I need to lie not to reveal what the details are. I think I need to tell her to stop monitoring me and Iíll be fine.

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    Originally Posted by Anxiety789
    She asks a lot of detailed questions and then I need to lie not to reveal what the details are. I think I need to tell her to stop monitoring me and Iíll be fine.
    Refusing to answer is not lying. "It's my business" or "It's personal" is not lying. It's simply telling the other person you choose not to share information. If a stranger asked you for your credit card number would you be lying if you said "I don't give out personal information like that".

    I would have no one visit for now other than in rare exceptions with quarantines in place.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anxiety789
    She asks a lot of detailed questions and then I need to lie not to reveal what the details are. I think I need to tell her to stop monitoring me and Iíll be fine.
    You don't need to lie when you can just say, "I don't want to hash details right now, so how about if you just credit me with the common sense to manage myself?"

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I wouldn't do or say anything to antagonize her. A lot of individuals are on high alert and looking out for those closest to them. The worst thing you can do is assume the worst out of those closest to you. Do not cave and start picking on each other. Value each other and your close knit bond - with boundaries and with confidence.

    If you don't want to garner a lot of attention or backlash from your daughter, stick to staying neutral and know how to deflect questions about yourself without ignoring her. My approach is more upbeat, lighthearted, loving - tell her you love her too and understand she's looking out for you but don't agree to her terms all the time without outright saying "That is dumb" or "You're not the boss of me!". I would not tell her to stop monitoring me and I wouldn't talk about common sense. That's antagonistic as she may not feel that she's monitoring you.

    The point is to govern your own life with some autonomy, not insult her.

    If you don't feel her staying with her fiance is fair or making sense to you, don't agree to it. If it were my daughter I'd simply suggest another time might be better. End story. And tell her I love her, how is she doing?

    Your handle or screenname says Anxiety - have you been able to keep up any useful techniques dealing with anxiety during this pandemic? How have you coped with anxiety previously? Would it be helpful to recap or look back and helpful ways to manage anxiety in general?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anxiety789
    She asks a lot of detailed questions and then I need to lie not to reveal what the details are. I think I need to tell her to stop monitoring me and Iíll be fine.
    Don't lie. You shouldn't have to. You are an adult.

    She needs to give you little more credit and privacy. You might try something along the lines of I love your concern for me, but I will be ok. I raised you and look how good you turned out! Change the subject, do what you want.

    Don't make it a big heavy deal... just pull back a little.

    I have a little joke when people ask, if my mother and I are close... "I tell her enough so she's informed, and I hold back enough to keep us talking'

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Anxiety789
    She also sees her doctor twice a week.

    I need her to somehow trust me to make the right decisions but I feel bad if she does feel actually threatened to visit me if I continue to see my boyfriend on the weekends. How should I proceed?
    Why does your daughter see a doctor twice a week?? Just curious.

    I agree with every one's advice. Sensor what you share with her.

    I don't think this so much about her needing to trust you . . You don't seem to trust yourself.

    Start there. Trust that you are a grown woman capable of making sound decisions. She's entitled to her opinion, but it's nothing more than that. Ultimately you get to decide how to manage your life. Not her.

    Do you even want her to visit? I can't tell by what you've written, though you've got a great argument for them to not come.

    Not that you would do it, but if it were me I'd tell her the terms in which she can visit. Not the other way around. Mention that your boyfriend will be there with the bunch of you. Tell her he's having surgery soon, so *they need to be isolated 2 weeks before coming and tested so he's not at risk. If that's not ok, then maybe visit at a later time.

    She treats you this way because you let her.

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