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Thread: Im not sure what to think/feel?

  1. #1
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    Im not sure what to think/feel?

    If this is in the wrong forum please move it to the correct one

    Okay so first let me say I know nobody is psychic and nobody can tell anyone why someone is doing what they are doing or anything close to that. I sometimes have trouble understanding simple things and I think this is a case of that and I would like to apologize in advance if this does come off confusing I am trying to fit a couple of weeks into a small amount of text so I don't drone on about it.

    I have been getting to know someone I have known for 13 years more personally, before this I had not seen her in 8 years and when we caught up we clicked and vibed as we always had.

    She over the last 13 years has had quite toxic relationships which have gone horrifically for her. DV, manipulation, cheating on her, etc. She explained to me that she had been single the last 5 years and was ready to spend her life alone and then I come along and knock all her walls down and she wants to see where this goes as shes never had any feelings like this before with anyone.

    So things were becoming quite intense between us over about a month, one night she mentioned something to me which triggered me and set me off on a rant.. not an abusive one just a frustrated one (i was frustrated I couldn't get what I wanted to say out properly and kept going on and on) and I believed I had triggered her.

    Due to all the restrictions in relation too Covid-19 we were not seeing each other 1on1 much. But there were certain things like "good morning (kiss face here)" and "good night (kissy face) here" "I miss you" "I miss your voice" "call me" a picture of what she was doing with her day, a gif of a sunrise on a beach with a campfire "cant wait to do this with you", a picture of the sunrise on her morning walks and sunset at her house.
    Things like this were an everyday occurrence when we were not with each other.

    The following day it all went to she didn't speak to me for a couple of days and I didn't get to see her. I had to go away pretty much straight after that for work and am still away for work for a couple of weeks. and what I have noticed is that the good mornings have pretty much disappeared sometimes I get "good morning :)" I haven't gotten a good night since that day I went on my frustrated rant. I've gotten an "I miss your voice" maybe once and that was recently and occasionally maybe three times I've gotten a picture of her morning or evening or even when we are talking on the phone and she has to put her kids in line, she will put the phone down and tell me "I don't like you to hearing me cranky"

    We have spoken about this and she explained to me that my rant was a massive pull back to reality for her and that she really let her emotions and her intensity take over and that the way she is seeing it now is it is not reasonable for her to be feeling and saying the things she has been saying and that there is no denying the feelings are there but she just needs to slow down and chill and that she does care about me and still wants to see where this goes but she can't let her intensity take over.

    I let her know what caused my trigger that day and why I felt how I did at that moment and that it was nothing to do with her just my insecurities, she explained to me that her walls are back up and that because of her past relationships she has to be careful because going to hard too fast only gets her in trouble.

    We still talk every 2nd night on the phone for 3 or 4 hours at a time, pretty much fall to sleep on the phone together. I cant wait to see her when I get back, I really can't.

    I am fine with taking it slow and getting to know each other on the level properly as the intensity can sometimes be quite full-on, but my issue is here and I have made this available to her, in my past relationships / when I've been getting to know people... When the little things are removed like the good nights, the kisses on the cheek, the intensity this is not a good sign and has always lead to an issue whether it be a breakup or just stop talking to each other. when I explained this to her she told me she still wants to see where things go and I asked her if she doesn't can she please let me know, she agreed that she would let me know.

    I know that she keeps telling me that she still wants to see where it goes and that she just can't be as full-on, but I feel like she is "weening" me off of the little things and intensity to put me back to a lesser position in her life, without upsetting me. (my insecurities here also, from previous experiences) I am happy to carry on as normal but at the moment I just feel like I should be wary that I could be being played on some level.

    She will always be welcome in my life as a friend, partner, or even just someone I see once every 10 years. She has been through every hard moment in my life with me and always been there for me and me for most of hers so I guess I just wanna make sure I approach this with as much knowledge as possible

    I do feel quite immature posting this but it has bothered me even wit her reassurances for a couple of weeks since this happened originally.

    All I am hoping to gather is maybe some insight from someone who has been in this situation before whether it is in my place or hers, perhaps some insight on how their minds were working at the time and maybe some advice on how to approach the situation.

    Sorry about the confusing mess i just type it as it comes to my head.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What was your rant about?

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    This is hard for me to be open about, I was in jail for a few years. Wasted time. During those years people said they would send letters and come visit etc... They didn't a few did but most didn't. She was one of the people that didn't, she did, however, pick up the phone any time I called (i understood she had a business to run and a family to keep above water) I never even thought about holding that against her I cherished every discussion we had on the phone and appreciated that she would even give me time and she wanted to come visit but I wasn't taking visits at that time due to my headspace.

    She commented on the letter she didn't send. I said I don't want to revisit that, you didn't send it that's ok you picked up the phone whenever I called I appreciate that the letter doesn't matter. She told me she wants to send the letter to me now, I said look I don't want that letter it will take me back to a time when I was full of pain and anger and I don't want that she replies she will write a new letter and send it to me (i guess just to be playful I'm not sure) I said I don't want that one either we talk every night and that's better than a letter. I said remember back then when I asked you not to commit to anything you are not going to do and you said you wouldn't, I said all I did was wait for people that said they would send letters that never showed up, I just stared at a blank wall for X years. she replies something along the lines of "I had no time, you had plenty of time to write letters" which set me into a bit of a loop I thought she wasn't understanding me. so I tried to explain to her why I felt so much pain towards that topic but I couldn't get what I wanted to say out properly and it began to frustrate me and I began trying to explain my explanations ...

    I'm not sure if that makes sense, It is hard for me to remember the conversation word for word. I was rude to her in regards to her letter comment, I brought something she said up and threw it back at her and then I attempted to make her feel bad which led to the comment she made about time and led to me being offended and trying to explain my way out and digging my hole deeper and becoming frustrated I couldn't word what I needed to properly and looping over n over on it which just made it worse.

    I do understand i was there on my own accord, not hers or anyone elses.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You are missing something...you are too focused on wanting her to want you when you need to turn internally and fix whatever is in you before you could ever go forward with this. Most people forgive, forget and move on from things in the past....you hung onto this for years and lashed out. That's a problem and I don't blame her for being cautious. Buttering her up with apologies/affection is something she knows all too well from her past experiences. You have to do better than that. Maybe an anger management group can help or some counseling, so you can learn to express your feelings positively and get the words out right. Good communication is key in keeping a relationship healthy. I tell ya, and I speak from experience of being in a toxic relationship myself, She is seeing a pattern start with you, and I don't blame her for putting up the walls. If you really want this to work, take my advice, and work on yourself... be the person you need to be for her and have a happy peaceful loving future together.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SimplyLost
    I know that she keeps telling me that she still wants to see where it goes and that she just can't be as full-on, but I feel like she is "weening" me off of the little things and intensity to put me back to a lesser position in her life, without upsetting me. (my insecurities here also, from previous experiences) I am happy to carry on as normal but at the moment I just feel like I should be wary that I could be being played on some level.

    She will always be welcome in my life as a friend, partner, or even just someone I see once every 10 years. She has been through every hard moment in my life with me and always been there for me and me for most of hers so I guess I just wanna make sure I approach this with as much knowledge as possible
    Unfortunately, there's really no telling why she is behaving the way that she is behaving.

    It could be your rant.

    It could be something going on in her life

    It could be nothing at all.

    In uncertain times such as these, I think you should listen to your gut and act accordingly.

    Leave the door open for her, but take steps to protect your own heart.

  7. #6
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    How did this conversation about her not visiting you in jail and not sending the letter come up, OP?

    I'm trying to get a sense of the bigger context of this falling out, as it sounds like it's not really about the letter or lack of visits. In other words, it appears to me that you are perhaps insecure about your current position in her life and this part of your past magnifies whatever you're presently worried about with her. I can't otherwise see why something in the past has this much relevance today, to the extent that it causes this much tension.

    But perhaps you can clarify a couple things: how long ago were you released, and what is you history with her before you were incarcerated? It sounds like you had feelings for her then, too. And what do you mean when you say you were rude to her in regards to the letter comment - what did you say?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let the dust settle and give her space. Let her reach out to you when she is ready. You've both been through a lot so there are a lot of hot buttons between the two of you. Take this time to work on calming down anger and triggers.

  9. #8
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    Hey thanks for the reply, it didn't really bother me at all that she didn't send the letter or visit it was other people that bothered me, she picked up the phone whenever i called, i appreciated that heaps.
    I am insecure about my position in her life but not because of the unsent letter just because within 24hrs she almost completely shut me out and stopped all the little things which to me are very important.

    i was released around 6 months ago, i met her through her sister who i am still great friends with and talk to daily also.

    Her and i were always good friends, i didn't see her for so long because i had a lot going on 2 trials 5 years on bail a misses that was quite toxic and controlling. she was there for me when my father passed i was there for her when her father passed we spent heaps of time together but the time was never right to go any further with it.

    I did have feelings for her then and she also had feelings for me then as well we were always magnetized towards each other, we would instantly connect and vibe and spend every moment together when we saw each other at parties and when we went over to each others houses.

    I was rude in the way that i assumed she was having a stab at me and was automatically defensive when i should've pulled back and took a second and seen it for what it was, just her being jovial.

    @MissCanuck

  10. #9
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    @smackie9

    Thank you for the insightful reply i have taken it on board. All i know how to do is what I'm doing at the moment and letting her know that I'm there if she needs a shoulder and that I'm working on how i process things and talk to people, but for me i canbe quite blunt or what I'm saying comes across in a way completely different to how i mean it. i do express my feelings quite well especially with her but at times with everyone, i don't process what's said to well at all and i react before i think which i am also trying to teach myself not to do.

    This is an area i need guidance in

  11. #10
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    If you think you upset someone by something you did, all you can do is try to explain yourself and apologize. How they react to that is not under your control.

    She has told you very clearly that perhaps the two of you were going too fast and she was not comfortable with that, and your rant took her by surprise and reminded her that everything in relationships is not a honeymoon. Which is a very reasonable stance for her to take given that you haven't been together long and haven't actually been seeing each other in person all that much due to the pandemic.

    So accept what she said, fully and graciously. She has a right to proceed at the speed with which she is comfortable, and also to change her mind if she decides a romance with you is not what she's interested in. Don't try to overthink this, just listen to what she says and believe it and act accordingly. If she's more comfortable going slower without all the lovey dovey stuff too soon, then match her pace. Don't turn everything into a therapy session with her or demand she justify and explain why she did or did not do what you expected her to do every minute.

    So try to roll with it. Don't bombard her with texts, but do respond nicely when she contacts you. If you're thinking about her, send her a nice text, but don't do it 20 times a day if she's told you she wants to go slower. Don't try to turn this into a race to a finish line, enjoy the day, enjoy the walk, see where it leads you.

    If she ultimately doesn't get serious with you, you can start dating other women if she decides she doesn't want a romance at all. But don't assume that it's totally over until she tells you so. She may just be doing what she said, going a bit slower while you both figure it out.

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