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Thread: Where do I stand? (Please help!)

  1. #1
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    Where do I stand? (Please help!)

    I've been seeing this guy for about 9 months now. We started off by hooking up, terming it FWB. Since then, it's been interesting. We hang out often. The sex is great, but it's not just sex. We go out, have dinner at his house, play games, watch TV. We talk about anything and everything. Most nights I go over I sleep there. We exchanged gifts for Christmas, and once when I was really drunk I texted him that I love him, to which he replied I love you too. I don't know if he was just being polite. Thing is, the last weekend I was there, we had sex the first night, but then the second night he said he didn't want to have sex with me. He said... tonight we don't have sex at all. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex. Maybe tomorrow, but I want tonight to be you just staying over. Am I wrong to assume that we are past FWB at this point? I obviously have feelings if I'm saying I love you when I'm drunk, but does he feel the same way? Getting Ready for a First Date
    Last edited by Ownworstenem; 05-19-2020 at 06:35 AM. Reason: Forgot word

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    I think you already know questions are answered only when we ask them :)

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Ask him. It's the only way to know for sure. Don't assume.

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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    He said... tonight we don't have sex at all. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex. Maybe tomorrow, but I want tonight to be you just staying over. Am I wrong to assume that we are past FWB at this point? I obviously have feelings if I'm saying I love you when I'm drunk, but does he feel the same way?
    There's not really enough information here to answer that, I don't think.

    You're going to have to open that discussion with him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you exclusive? It sounds like dating/a relationship, but he still seems to keep you at arms length for his convenience and to your detriment. If he is not volunteering ILY and in other ways making you feel like he cares, you are wasting your time.

    It sounds like his behavior is confusing to you because you would like to pick out the bf/gf "signs" but question how he really feels. You are still acting like hookups with the occasional sleep over. You can talk or ask, but changing your behavior is the only way to effect change. "What are we" etc is very weak and again puts all the power in his hands.

    It's up to you to decide what you want and what terms you accept. Why are you letting him call all the shots and treat you like a dog? Sex, no sex, sit, sleep, lie down, roll over, etc?
    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    Most nights I go over I sleep there. the last weekend I was there, we had sex the first night, but then the second night he said he didn't want to have sex with me. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 05-19-2020 at 08:32 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I have always found (more often than not) that "relationships" that start off with sex and FWB, do not work for anything serious, ever.

    They become more of a type of relationship where two people are using each others bodies for a few quick thrills and that's it. No emotions, no connections, nothing at all like you'd expect in a romantic/love type of relationship.

    If you want a romantic/love type of relationship, don't advertise yourself as someone to just be used and tossed. And by offering sex straight away..that's what you're doing.

    You won't be taken seriously as girlfriend material, you'll be seen as the girl whom you ring up for sex and then never have to try or make any kind of efforts for otherwise.

    If you want to be treated better, then go about it differently. Date properly with actual romance. Hold off on sex until he actually has gotten to know you quite well. Wait till you two have formed a bond/connection and there is an actual foundation there.

    But if you start off with sex, then don't expect to be treated any differently than how it's gone.

  8. #7
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    He actually treats me quite well. He's very considerate, gives me surprises, holds my hand when we walk together... We have a very intimate relationship outside of the bedroom. We tell each other everything, and half the time when we're out together, we finish each other's sentences. I catch him quite frequently just staring at me at the most random times, and whenever we are together, we always have a good time laughing and joking I'm each other's company. At this point, I would say more of our relationship is outside of the bedroom, but the sex is amazing when we are intimate in that way. I almost feel like we both fell into something we didn't plan.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    He actually treats me quite well. He's very considerate, gives me surprises, holds my hand when we walk together... We have a very intimate relationship outside of the bedroom. We tell each other everything, and half the time when we're out together, we finish each other's sentences. I catch him quite frequently just staring at me at the most random times, and whenever we are together, we always have a good time laughing and joking I'm each other's company. At this point, I would say more of our relationship is outside of the bedroom, but the sex is amazing when we are intimate in that way. I almost feel like we both fell into something we didn't plan.
    Usually, when we're scared to ask, its because we either don't think we will get the response we want or we know the answer is not the response we want.

    If all you say above, is true, why aren't you asking him? why do you feel so insecure? There must be something else. Is it within you?

    You can't be telling each other everything, if you aren't telling him your feelings.

    I would pick a time when you're happily hanging out and ask him if u can talk to him about something. Then just tell him, over the time together, the dinners, sleep overs etc you have feelings for him and you want him to know this is no longer fwb for you.

    he may say, i know... you texted me you love me and i said i love you too. And then you can just smile and say ok good. just wanted to be clear

    to make the transition, you have to be willing to be vulnerable.... let your guard down... you may get hurt but that's life. you don't want fwb. you don't want fake... you want real. you deserve real.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He actually treats me quite well. He's very considerate, gives me surprises, holds my hand when we walk together... We have a very intimate relationship outside of the bedroom. We tell each other everything, and half the time when we're out together, we finish each other's sentences. I catch him quite frequently just staring at me at the most random times, and whenever we are together, we always have a good time laughing and joking I'm each other's company. At this point, I would say more of our relationship is outside of the bedroom, but the sex is amazing when we are intimate in that way. I almost feel like we both fell into something we didn't plan.
    Except you're still not a girlfriend and he can dismiss you at anytime, like he already has.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    We tell each other everything
    So why haven't you discussed where you both stand in each other's lives? Did he tell you if he's seeing other people at the same time? Is he even looking for a relationship? What are plans for future?

    All the other things sound sweet and fun but without the explicit commitment to an exclusive relationship they don't necessarily mean anything.

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