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Thread: Where do I stand? (Please help!)

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he seeing others? This a huge mistake if you want to move forward and turn this into more than fwb.
    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    I've made known to him that I do talk to other men seeing how we aren't in a committed relationship.
    Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
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    From my recollection, he is NOT seeing others. We always agreed that we would let the other person know if we were out of respect.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    Yes, I am. I am afraid I will ruin what we have.
    Well here's the thing... if telling him what you want ruins what you have, then you didnt have it to begin with. You know?

    Its better to know

    i think its very common for fwb relationships to end bc one person gets feelings and the other person doesn't.

    Which makes complete sense... sex is not something to do with a friend.... its initimate, emotional and sharing a part of ourselves that is so private.... special.

    how are you supposed to keep that separate? And why should you want to?

    Tell him and find out what he is thinking. It may hurt like hell. It may be as you said, his actions do mean more. Only he knows. It will kill you if he meets someone else and says, you knew I just wanted FWB. At least you'll know and you can deal with it head on.

    And take this as the lesson it is- don't play with fire. If you're not the type have FWB relationships, don't get into them.

    If its just a matter of being horny, then keep it just sex and no other activities or have safe sex with one night stands.

  4. #24
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    Lambert, I totally get what you are saying. It scares me like hell, and I do think about the possibility of him moving on. That hurts. I know I have to put my feelings out there. Part of me feels like maybe I should stay away for a while to evaluate how I feel, and let him do the same, and then maybe go back into it saying that if we continue it can't be as FWB, if that's still what I want.

    I see some people mentioning that I may be reading into things, and I might. However, he has the birthday card I made for him hanging on his fridge. I drew him something for New year's too and he has that saved as well. He surprises me with flowers at my doorstep. Those are the actions that make me fall in love with him. He always seems so eager to be there when I need him. Why the hell am I so scared?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Well here's the thing... if telling him what you want ruins what you have, then you didnt have it to begin with. You know?
    That's what I was thinking. It's really shaky if you can't actually talk to him and ask him to be an actual boyfriend, or that it's going to possibly ruin things.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    I can summon the courage, but what do I say.

    .
    How do you tell him other things?

    I think picking a good moment is the place to start.

    When your both in a good frame of mind, happy and or relaxed.

    Start by asking if he's seeing anyone or is interested in someone else. gauge his response and then if it feels like its going well, tell him you havent been seeing anyone and have been thinking about what a nice thing you guys have. Maybe say something about how a lot of the things you have together are things you like. Has he ever thought about it.

    Make it a conversation, not a declaration...

    let's face it, if he's on your page, it probably doesn't matter what you say. If he's not on your page, it doesnt matter what you say.

    Be brave!

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You need to believe in the love you share. You need to trust it that it's real. If you can't and won't ask him to be your partner due to lack of believing in his love for you, then what you've got with him, is a whole lot of nothing.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    Lambert, I totally get what you are saying. It scares me like hell, and I do think about the possibility of him moving on. That hurts. I know I have to put my feelings out there. Part of me feels like maybe I should stay away for a while to evaluate how I feel, and let him do the same, and then maybe go back into it saying that if we continue it can't be as FWB, if that's still what I want.

    I see some people mentioning that I may be reading into things, and I might. However, he has the birthday card I made for him hanging on his fridge. I drew him something for New year's too and he has that saved as well. He surprises me with flowers at my doorstep. Those are the actions that make me fall in love with him. He always seems so eager to be there when I need him. Why the hell am I so scared?

    If he seems eager and is doing these things, he could be trying to follow your lead. I think pulling back is the equivalent of games, more walls and a mistake

    You know how you feel. you're just scared. Why? because rejection hurts and giving someone the power to hurt us is risky af. LOL!

    BUT! If you want a proper relationship and to stop all this insecurity you have to buck up...

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    Lambert, I totally get what you are saying. It scares me like hell, and I do think about the possibility of him moving on. That hurts. I know I have to put my feelings out there. Part of me feels like maybe I should stay away for a while to evaluate how I feel, and let him do the same, and then maybe go back into it saying that if we continue it can't be as FWB, if that's still what I want.

    I see some people mentioning that I may be reading into things, and I might. However, he has the birthday card I made for him hanging on his fridge. I drew him something for New year's too and he has that saved as well. He surprises me with flowers at my doorstep. Those are the actions that make me fall in love with him. He always seems so eager to be there when I need him. Why the hell am I so scared?
    I think you really really need to clear the air once and for all. All these gestures, all this stuff, all this time spent together.....if you don't define what you are, you are literally setting yourself up for massive pain down the road, except it will be so much worse. Can you imagine if this carries on for another 6 months and then he suddenly goes "So I met this really cool girl and we are going to be dating and you and I can't continue." and his face is all lit up while chatting away about her?

    All relationships are a risk, but when you tip toe around and don't ask for what you actually want, you are literally setting yourself up for guaranteed pain. Heck....all the doubt and fear is already pain..... So talk, clear the air, be ready to hear anything.

    Just don't approach this with some massive confession about feelings. Rather make it easier on yourself and him. Simply ask if he is open to actual committed relationship with you rather than just what you originally started out with. See what he says. That kind of a conversation will make things clear for you about where he stands without muddying the waters either way. Depending on his answer, you can either finally breathe because you have what you want, a relationship, or you will know to take a step back because despite all the gestures he is not interested, or you can carry on....not recommended because of what I said above, setting up for massive pain.

    Bottom line is that fwb's always have an expiration date. It can't go on forever and it ends when either you decide to actually be a couple, decide that it's not working out because one or the other is developing feelings, or one of you meets someone else.

    Ultimately, never ever settle for being someone's good for now girl.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you are playing from a position of preemptive strikes. Leaving after sex, talking about other men, asking for space, etc. What you are doing is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that he will leave.

    For example you already want to break up so he doesn't break up and you lose him? What if someone were playing confusing head games like that with you? Why blurt out ultimatums? Start acting with confidence.
    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    It scares me like hell
    maybe I should stay away for a while to evaluate how I feel
    Why the hell am I so scared?

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