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Thread: Where do I stand? (Please help!)

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He said... tonight we don't have sex at all. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex. Maybe tomorrow, but I want tonight to be you just staying over.
    This here...that's a man talking to you more like a hooker. That's not even respectful. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You're interpreting his actions in your own way, which could be totally different than how he interprets things. Relationships are not just about actions. The communication has to weigh in just as strongly as well, which is missing here. FWBs are always meant to be temporary, as it's hard for 2 people to match exactly what rules or lack of rules each is happy with.

    If you had a healthy self esteem, your mindset would be: I'm going to tell him what I want and if he doesn't feel the same, I need to go no contact so I can seek what I really want--a bf who wants to be exclusive with me.

    Instead, you're a meek bystander, hoping for the best, yet too fearful to ask if he can possibly love little old you. From what you've written, I'm guessing you're the one suggesting getting together with him and overstaying your welcome by spending days over there without going home. I hope you're the type who also lets the other person make an equal effort to gauge their interest. Otherwise, you will be seen as clingy without a fulfilling life of your own.

    Ask the needed questions so you can move on if he still sees you as a FWB. And don't stay friends. You will fail to get a new bf if he finds out you're still buddies with an ex FWB.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Are you afraid of "scaring him off"?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure if the message is lost in translation here as you're typing about it. Am I mistaken? Were those his actual words to you? If so I'm in agreement with Sherry - very offputting. He shouldn't be speaking to you that way unless this is some sub/dom dynamic. Paired with the oddity of the request it seems strange.

    I wouldn't spend as many nights over and change it up a little. Maybe go over for dinner or invite him over for dinner but don't stay for the night. If I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd say he may be overwhelmed with you or you may be overstaying your welcome.

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  6. #15
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I think Sherry summed it up perfectly. Also, I can't comprehend how you can give him full access to your body, but you can't ask him a simple question.

  7. #16
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    Yes, I am. I am afraid I will ruin what we have.

  8. #17
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    The message may be lost in translation. I felt as if by him not wanting to have sex that he was trying to say he doesn't just want me for sex. It's difficult to convey all of our conversations over this forum. There is so much content to cover. What I can tell you though is that day he neglected his obligations in order to spend the day with me. We drove around on his motorcycle for hours, stopped at at nature trail and walked around talking and enjoying nature, joined some of my family for a picnic there, then went back to his house where he ordered us dinner, and then we sat, talked and listened to music. He said he didn't want to end the evening with sex, but rather just be in my company. I felt like he was going out of his way to show me that he saw me more than just a sexual object. I think in his mind he feels like I may think I owe him sex every time we're together, and he was letting me know that he appreciates our time together without it.

    As I was leaving the next morning, he said... If today is a nice day we should take another ride. So, with remarks like that, I don't feel like I'm over staying my welcome. Honestly, I feel nothing but welcomed in his presence. I just have a lot of self doubt from being hurt in a past relationship

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    The message may be lost in translation. I felt as if by him not wanting to have sex that he was trying to say he doesn't just want me for sex. It's difficult to convey all of our conversations over this forum. There is so much content to cover. What I can tell you though is that day he neglected his obligations in order to spend the day with me. We drove around on his motorcycle for hours, stopped at at nature trail and walked around talking and enjoying nature, joined some of my family for a picnic there, then went back to his house where he ordered us dinner, and then we sat, talked and listened to music. He said he didn't want to end the evening with sex, but rather just be in my company. I felt like he was going out of his way to show me that he saw me more than just a sexual object. I think in his mind he feels like I may think I owe him sex every time we're together, and he was letting me know that he appreciates our time together without it.

    As I was leaving the next morning, he said... If today is a nice day we should take another ride. So, with remarks like that, I don't feel like I'm over staying my welcome. Honestly, I feel nothing but welcomed in his presence. I just have a lot of self doubt from being hurt in a past relationship
    Thanks for responding with more thoughts. I agree with you - you could be overthinking this. Enjoy each others' company. I personally wouldn't question someone if they love me unless it was tongue in cheek or a joke. And this isn't a tongue in cheek or joke-y situation.

    Maybe your love language is verbal and his is through actions. Is it enough for you to see his care for you through his actions and the way he treats you or do you need to hear it verbally?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why would either of you think you "owe him sex"? Try to be an equal in a relationship rather than putting him on this pedastal.
    Originally Posted by Ownworstenem
    I think in his mind he feels like I may think I owe him sex every time we're together.

  11. #20
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    I agree that my self esteem isn't the healthiest. I think the idea of facing the consequences and telling him what I am feeling is excellent advice... Hopefully I can summon the courage, but what do I say.

    However, I am not the one always suggesting we get together, and there are many nights I don't stay over. In the beginning, I slept over regularly, but then I backed off when I started to develop feelings. He would invite me to stay, but I would reply that I would rather go home. That night was the first time in a while that he even suggested it again, as he eventually stopped asking because he probably assumed I would say no. And as far as clingy? When we're together, we both are very in the moment. However, I also keep myself occupied doing other things as well, not to mention, I don't always make myself available when he asks for my company. Also, I've made known to him that I do talk to other men seeing how we aren't in a committed relationship. In some ways, I wonder if I don't have him wondering if he'd be rejected by me. I don't want him to think he owns me when we haven't fully committed, and in some ways I'm afraid to be vulnerable and take away the power. I have walls in place so I don't get hurt. I guess I'm just wondering if it's time to start tearing down those walls if I want a real relationship with him. A huge part of me thinks he really does care about me and may be receptive, but if he's not then I just threw all my cards out on the table, and that's something I can't take back... Then everything we have may crumble. Worst part about that is he is one of my absolute best friends, and I know he would say the same. That is something I don't want to lose... I'm not just falling in love with some random guy. This is a person that I share my most intimate thoughts with. I love him on more than one level.

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