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Thread: My boyfriend (22) hates my mom (51)

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend (22) hates my mom (51)

    My boyfriend of 2+ years hates my mom. I am his first gf so he was completely unexperienced and sometimes came off as rude to my mom, so when we broke up a year ago, she was happy. When we got back together a few weeks after, my bf insisted on talking to her & she said she didnít like many things he did (he would always ask me for rides, have me drive alone during the night, made me cry a LOT when he broke up w/ me, etc), but she said it was OK and our decision. Well, my bf kind of hated her since then. Even though my mom instantly started to go back to normal with him and she always invites him everywhere we go: family parties, family trips, dinner, and whatnot. Ive been struggling with both of them cause my mom has a very strong personality, and even though she treats him very nicely, sheíll always point out things to me. And on the other hand, my boyfriend is always awkward around her, gets uncomfortable if I ask him to congratulate her on her bday or stuff like that. These days my mom has been extremely cool about him. Sheís been asking a lot about how he and his family are doing, sends him regards all the time, and has shown genuine interest in his business and school things. Well my bf has some experience with carpentry & today my mom asked me if he could make some wooden picture frames. I asked my bf and he said it made him feel a little uncomfortable and that he would do it for me, not for her. I thought that was completely unnecessary so I asked why he said that, and he brought up how he just canít like her and that heís not over her getting happy we broke up a year ago. He got really upset, and went to sleep. I have a great relationship with my mom, and also with his parents, and it bugs me a lot that heís so rude and doesnt try to get along with her, when she tries so much. I understand how she felt cause moms are always overprotective and stuff, but even she got over it and has been trying to get along. He hasnt tried at all, and gets angry when the topic comes up.

    It hurts how even though my mom has done a lot of things for him (like including him, supporting his business, paying for him on trips, giving him rides when he didnt have a car yet, etc), heíll be like ďi canít do this for her, Iíll do it for youĒ

    What should I do? It makes me feel disappointed but I know I canít force him to like someone he just doesnt want to like.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think hate seems like a strong word. We should be careful with our language as it colours or emphasizes the way we think of others. He seems more insecure to me than hateful. When I think of someone who's hateful, they have a lot of hateful speech and vitriol. Hateful speech also comes across with passive aggressive comments. I think those are underlying anger issues. Your bf doesn't seem to have any new material against your mum. He's just insecure and put on the spot.

    One thing I might do is continue inviting him out with your family but not expect him to be a part of every occasion or gathering. He shouldn't have to feel pressured into doing things he doesn't want to. Your mum was nice to ask him to make picture frames but that sounds more like she's asking or hiring someone to make her frames. She could ask him whether he wants to or would feel up to it. That puts the decision back on your bf's court and allows him to at least say yes, it's something I could do or would want to do or no, I'm so busy with school work right now and or I don't know if I could do it just right at this time.

    Give him more options to say no without all the pressure to say yes when it comes to your family. Your mum seems patient and open enough. Don't take it so personally if he's not up to making picture frames or going for car rides. You're in the middle of it so just keep things lighthearted and neutral. Don't take sides.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Your mom made an effort to include him, he hasnít put in the effort . This boy wonít be in your life forever but your mom always will. Donít make an enemy out of your mother.

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    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You're making the mistake of inviting your mother into your relationship. You shouldn't be telling her everything, especially when you have fights or bad mouthing him to her.
    Your relationship with him and her need to be seperate, almost completely. You don't intertwine the two.

    Keep it to the basics. If the day ever comes where you marry a man, then you could have him and your parents get to know one another a bit better but even then, you don't push them on each other and you don't have them know so many personal things about each other. It causes problems and it doesn't work.

    If you and he have problems, don't go to your mother unless it's a dangerous situation where you are being abused and need help getting out of the situation. Otherwise, keep your problems to yourself and find a way to work them out as a grown adult, on your own.
    Mom doesn't even need to know about your break ups or what they were about etc.

    I don't doubt your boyfriend truly dislikes your mother. But it was YOU who caused the problem by allowing your mother in on so much personal information.

    How to fix it now? Stop forcing a relationship between them. If your boyfriend doesn't want one, then so be it. Don't keep pushing. He's dating you, not your mom.

    As for the late driving alone, etc. Remind your mother that those are again YOUR choices. No one has a gun to your head. You can always tell your boyfriend, no.

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    He might not hate her, but he does point out whenever something slips with his parents. I have a great relationship with his mom, and he got upset I asked him to remind me what her birthday was! When he's so often saying how my mom "wanted him out of my life" so "what does that tell him about her?". He says he'll try to get along but "you can't force a feeling" and he's been saying that for over a year. I initially didn't like his dad, and it only took me some time to get past it, cause I really put in the effort. I feel like he has no intention to do so at all.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I have a great relationship with his mom, and he got upset I asked him to remind me what her birthday was!
    You are pushing for a more serious relationship than he wants. He wants to date, not a wife. And you're pushing. At this point, Moms don't even need to be involved.

    You both can be polite to them, but you are still just dating.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    you really want to think about how your partner handles things and if its similar to how you handle things.

    Fundamentally, I think it shows a lot of immaturity on his part. Holding a grudge and being petty are character flaws. It could only be a matter of time before he is treating you in the same way.

    I would not appreciate the way he is acting and it would weigh heavily on my decision to be with him long term.

    To be successful in life, one must try to understand others, forgive and compromise, especially with the important people in our lives.

    Your mom was right to be glad... driving alone night and the other things you mentioned, those were his short comings. he should be mad at himself for not doing better by you. After all, your mom is obviously putting your happiness above all. He should the same and rise above this for your sake.

    I have a feeling you know you can do better than this guy.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would just stop being involved with either set of parents. He doesnít seem comfortable with any of it nor mature enough to handle it. Contain your relationship to each other only outside your homes.

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    Yeah I know I was wrong initially and have since set boundaries with my mom regarding my relationship. However, it is important to me that they have a good relationship, especially when I think it should be out of feeling grateful at least. I don't care if my boyfriend doesn't LOVE my mom, but he acts as if she's always a to him, and that's not the case. My mom has included him so much and made him feel welcome in our family, and he still says he wouldn't be able to do a thing for her. When I have such a close relationship to my mom, it is alarming how someone I could end up spending my whole life with won't get past something that happened a year ago.

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    He isnt mature enough to include parents.

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