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My boyfriend (22) hates my mom (51)


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My boyfriend of 2+ years hates my mom. I am his first gf so he was completely unexperienced and sometimes came off as rude to my mom, so when we broke up a year ago, she was happy. When we got back together a few weeks after, my bf insisted on talking to her & she said she didn’t like many things he did (he would always ask me for rides, have me drive alone during the night, made me cry a LOT when he broke up w/ me, etc), but she said it was OK and our decision. Well, my bf kind of hated her since then. Even though my mom instantly started to go back to normal with him and she always invites him everywhere we go: family parties, family trips, dinner, and whatnot. Ive been struggling with both of them cause my mom has a very strong personality, and even though she treats him very nicely, she’ll always point out things to me. And on the other hand, my boyfriend is always awkward around her, gets uncomfortable if I ask him to congratulate her on her bday or stuff like that. These days my mom has been extremely cool about him. She’s been asking a lot about how he and his family are doing, sends him regards all the time, and has shown genuine interest in his business and school things. Well my bf has some experience with carpentry & today my mom asked me if he could make some wooden picture frames. I asked my bf and he said it made him feel a little uncomfortable and that he would do it for me, not for her. I thought that was completely unnecessary so I asked why he said that, and he brought up how he just can’t like her and that he’s not over her getting happy we broke up a year ago. He got really upset, and went to sleep. I have a great relationship with my mom, and also with his parents, and it bugs me a lot that he’s so rude and doesnt try to get along with her, when she tries so much. I understand how she felt cause moms are always overprotective and stuff, but even she got over it and has been trying to get along. He hasnt tried at all, and gets angry when the topic comes up.

 

It hurts how even though my mom has done a lot of things for him (like including him, supporting his business, paying for him on trips, giving him rides when he didnt have a car yet, etc), he’ll be like “i can’t do this for her, I’ll do it for you”

 

What should I do? It makes me feel disappointed but I know I can’t force him to like someone he just doesnt want to like.

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I think hate seems like a strong word. We should be careful with our language as it colours or emphasizes the way we think of others. He seems more insecure to me than hateful. When I think of someone who's hateful, they have a lot of hateful speech and vitriol. Hateful speech also comes across with passive aggressive comments. I think those are underlying anger issues. Your bf doesn't seem to have any new material against your mum. He's just insecure and put on the spot.

 

One thing I might do is continue inviting him out with your family but not expect him to be a part of every occasion or gathering. He shouldn't have to feel pressured into doing things he doesn't want to. Your mum was nice to ask him to make picture frames but that sounds more like she's asking or hiring someone to make her frames. She could ask him whether he wants to or would feel up to it. That puts the decision back on your bf's court and allows him to at least say yes, it's something I could do or would want to do or no, I'm so busy with school work right now and or I don't know if I could do it just right at this time.

 

Give him more options to say no without all the pressure to say yes when it comes to your family. Your mum seems patient and open enough. Don't take it so personally if he's not up to making picture frames or going for car rides. You're in the middle of it so just keep things lighthearted and neutral. Don't take sides.

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You're making the mistake of inviting your mother into your relationship. You shouldn't be telling her everything, especially when you have fights or bad mouthing him to her.

Your relationship with him and her need to be seperate, almost completely. You don't intertwine the two.

 

Keep it to the basics. If the day ever comes where you marry a man, then you could have him and your parents get to know one another a bit better but even then, you don't push them on each other and you don't have them know so many personal things about each other. It causes problems and it doesn't work.

 

If you and he have problems, don't go to your mother unless it's a dangerous situation where you are being abused and need help getting out of the situation. Otherwise, keep your problems to yourself and find a way to work them out as a grown adult, on your own.

Mom doesn't even need to know about your break ups or what they were about etc.

 

I don't doubt your boyfriend truly dislikes your mother. But it was YOU who caused the problem by allowing your mother in on so much personal information.

 

How to fix it now? Stop forcing a relationship between them. If your boyfriend doesn't want one, then so be it. Don't keep pushing. He's dating you, not your mom.

 

As for the late driving alone, etc. Remind your mother that those are again YOUR choices. No one has a gun to your head. You can always tell your boyfriend, no.

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He might not hate her, but he does point out whenever something slips with his parents. I have a great relationship with his mom, and he got upset I asked him to remind me what her birthday was! When he's so often saying how my mom "wanted him out of my life" so "what does that tell him about her?". He says he'll try to get along but "you can't force a feeling" and he's been saying that for over a year. I initially didn't like his dad, and it only took me some time to get past it, cause I really put in the effort. I feel like he has no intention to do so at all.

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I have a great relationship with his mom, and he got upset I asked him to remind me what her birthday was!

 

You are pushing for a more serious relationship than he wants. He wants to date, not a wife. And you're pushing. At this point, Moms don't even need to be involved.

 

You both can be polite to them, but you are still just dating.

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you really want to think about how your partner handles things and if its similar to how you handle things.

 

Fundamentally, I think it shows a lot of immaturity on his part. Holding a grudge and being petty are character flaws. It could only be a matter of time before he is treating you in the same way.

 

I would not appreciate the way he is acting and it would weigh heavily on my decision to be with him long term.

 

To be successful in life, one must try to understand others, forgive and compromise, especially with the important people in our lives.

 

Your mom was right to be glad... driving alone night and the other things you mentioned, those were his short comings. he should be mad at himself for not doing better by you. After all, your mom is obviously putting your happiness above all. He should the same and rise above this for your sake.

 

I have a feeling you know you can do better than this guy.

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Yeah I know I was wrong initially and have since set boundaries with my mom regarding my relationship. However, it is important to me that they have a good relationship, especially when I think it should be out of feeling grateful at least. I don't care if my boyfriend doesn't LOVE my mom, but he acts as if she's always a to him, and that's not the case. My mom has included him so much and made him feel welcome in our family, and he still says he wouldn't be able to do a thing for her. When I have such a close relationship to my mom, it is alarming how someone I could end up spending my whole life with won't get past something that happened a year ago.

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You are pushing for a more serious relationship than he wants. He wants to date, not a wife. And you're pushing. At this point, Moms don't even need to be involved.

 

You both can be polite to them, but you are still just dating.

 

No, he's actually the one pushing for a more serious relationship. We were long distance for a semester and I wanted to break things up, and he didn't, he wants me over with his parents very often, and wants to be home with me and my family too, he's the one who's always planning ahead and stuff, and he loves to spend time with my family (cousins, uncles, grandma, etc.), everyone except my mom.

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He doesn't have to like your mother. Stop forcing it. However the fact that she is watching out for you speaks volumes. He was nasty to you and she was there. He broke up with you and she was there. Now stop and reflect on if this is a guy you want to continue to bother with. He sounds difficult, at best.

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I could end up spending my whole life with won't get past something that happened a year ago.

 

Unless you've got an engagement ring on your hand, you're jumping the gun for the time being and secondly, you cannot force people to like one another. If it bothers you that your boyfriend doesn't like your mom and it's not going to change, then it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker.

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He might not hate her, but he does point out whenever something slips with his parents. I have a great relationship with his mom, and he got upset I asked him to remind me what her birthday was! When he's so often saying how my mom "wanted him out of my life" so "what does that tell him about her?". He says he'll try to get along but "you can't force a feeling" and he's been saying that for over a year. I initially didn't like his dad, and it only took me some time to get past it, cause I really put in the effort. I feel like he has no intention to do so at all.

 

Some people are naturally rude and pessimistic or rude and passive aggressive because they're insecure. You can't help or fix an insecure person. Those are self-confidence issues that are someone else's issues they need to work on. They behave poorly because they're not able to feel good about themselves overall.

 

You mentioned he often says your mum "wanted him out of [your] life". How often? Is it every week or at least 2-3 times a month? If so, yes, there are issues and if it's been ongoing for a year, he sounds like the type of person who's able to hold on to grudges. Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

 

I agree with Sherry about creating some boundaries when it comes to your parents. If you go into the situation thinking it's a problem or there's a problem, you'll create problems. As a last ditch effort, I'd try to remain as neutral as possible and stop inviting negative talk about parents. If he's bent on staying down and negative about the past and can't let that grudge go, you might want to be honest and tell him those comments he makes are wearing you down. Be open about it and if he's still obstinate or unwilling to reason or be open to a relationship with your parents, this is a clear sign this person doesn't have the maturity or ability to make you happy in the long run.

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No, he's actually the one pushing for a more serious relationship. We were long distance for a semester and I wanted to break things up, and he didn't, he wants me over with his parents very often, and wants to be home with me and my family too, he's the one who's always planning ahead and stuff, and he loves to spend time with my family (cousins, uncles, grandma, etc.), everyone except my mom.

 

Okay, well that paints a different picture. Now, it really has come down to you telling him that if it wants a serious future with you, he's going to have to try harder with your mom or it's a deal breaker. I think that's the only choice you've got left now.

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My brother's first wife hated both me and our mother. She forced him to choose. He chose her. It took YEARS to repair that relationship. Prior to that my siblings and our mother and I were very close.

 

My brother ended up divorcing her many years later. She was abusive during the divorce process and to this day, 15 years later, continues to be verbally abusive whenever they need to discuss their shared children. It's been a complete nightmare.

 

Has he asked you to choose? Or is he just not wanting to have a relationship with your mom?

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My brother's first wife hated both me and our mother. She forced him to choose. He chose her. It took YEARS to repair that relationship. Prior to that my siblings and our mother and I were very close.

 

My brother ended up divorcing her many years later. She was abusive during the divorce process and to this day, 15 years later, continues to be verbally abusive whenever they need to discuss their shared children. It's been a complete nightmare.

 

Has he asked you to choose? Or is he just not wanting to have a relationship with your mom?

 

He hasn't made me choose. But he does say his relationship is with me and not with her, but when my mom tries so much to treat him well I dislike how he can't try at least a little bit to show gratitude or forgive her.

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I think this relationship has a short shelf life.

He hasn't made me choose. But he does say his relationship is with me and not with her, but when my mom tries so much to treat him well I dislike how he can't try at least a little bit to show gratitude or forgive her.
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To some degree I actually agree with him. If you and he were to marry, you should be each other's first priority and other people shouldn't be getting involved to this degree.

 

BUT if he ever intended on becoming a part of your family and mom is trying with him, and he is still refusing to be nice, then he has no place in your family.

 

It really is as simple as that.

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There are some similarities of the situation in regards to like when a couple with children divorces, one parent shouldn't badmouth each other to the children, because the children love their parents and it's hurtful and confusing to hear bad things about them. Perhaps you can explain it to your bf this way, that it's hurtful for you to hear him be dismissive about your mom and his hurtful comments about her. I'd tell him that you can't force him to like her, but that he needs to be respectful and kind to her when he's around her, just as you expect anybody in your family to treat him the same way.

 

If he can't do this, then think about if you have regular dissatisfaction in your relationship, that it means he's not the right one for you. I know that when I was a teen, I was always respectful to the mom of my boyfriend of two years, even though I didn't really feel comfortable around her. She did underhanded things to undermine our relationship. I think she was possessive over her eldest son, and for that or some other reason I never understood, she didn't want us together. Instead of voicing anything about his mother, I just broke up with him because I didn't want to end up marrying someone whose mother would always play an overbearing part in our lives along with other reasons. I was mature enough not to badmouth her or act y around her. The others are right that your bf is immature and lacks intelligent social skills that would benefit him in life. You're seeing how he acts. Always make decisions based on whether or not you can live forever with things, as is, in the present situation versus being hopeful someone will change in a major way, because it's rare that they do.

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There are some similarities of the situation in regards to like when a couple with children divorces, one parent shouldn't badmouth each other to the children, because the children love their parents and it's hurtful and confusing to hear bad things about them. Perhaps you can explain it to your bf this way, that it's hurtful for you to hear him be dismissive about your mom and his hurtful comments about her. I'd tell him that you can't force him to like her, but that he needs to be respectful and kind to her when he's around her, just as you expect anybody in your family to treat him the same way.

 

If he can't do this, then think about if you have regular dissatisfaction in your relationship, that it means he's not the right one for you. I know that when I was a teen, I was always respectful to the mom of my boyfriend of two years, even though I didn't really feel comfortable around her. She did underhanded things to undermine our relationship. I think she was possessive over her eldest son, and for that or some other reason I never understood, she didn't want us together. Instead of voicing anything about his mother, I just broke up with him because I didn't want to end up marrying someone whose mother would always play an overbearing part in our lives along with other reasons. I was mature enough not to badmouth her or act y around her. The others are right that your bf is immature and lacks intelligent social skills that would benefit him in life. You're seeing how he acts. Always make decisions based on whether or not you can live forever with things, as is, in the present situation versus being hopeful someone will change in a major way, because it's rare that they do.

 

I agree my in-laws of 26 years have been hideous to me for 31 years. Since the moment I started going out with my boyfriend who became my husband. I have been unfailing polite and nice towards them despite anything they do because my husband loves them. He knows I hate them ( now). I didn’t hate them at first I was just utterly confused as to why they didn’t like me. Now I just can’t stand them with a passion but I am unfailingly polite. I love my husband and my husband loves them and our son loves them.

 

But if he’s not even willing to try this is not going to work I guarantee it.

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