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Thread: My boyfriend (22) hates my mom (51)

  1. #21
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I think this relationship has a short shelf life.
    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    He hasn't made me choose. But he does say his relationship is with me and not with her, but when my mom tries so much to treat him well I dislike how he can't try at least a little bit to show gratitude or forgive her.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    But he does say his relationship is with me and not with her
    That's a smartass comment but very immature. Sorry, OP. This is not a good attitude to have.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    To some degree I actually agree with him. If you and he were to marry, you should be each other's first priority and other people shouldn't be getting involved to this degree.

    BUT if he ever intended on becoming a part of your family and mom is trying with him, and he is still refusing to be nice, then he has no place in your family.

    It really is as simple as that.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    There are some similarities of the situation in regards to like when a couple with children divorces, one parent shouldn't badmouth each other to the children, because the children love their parents and it's hurtful and confusing to hear bad things about them. Perhaps you can explain it to your bf this way, that it's hurtful for you to hear him be dismissive about your mom and his hurtful comments about her. I'd tell him that you can't force him to like her, but that he needs to be respectful and kind to her when he's around her, just as you expect anybody in your family to treat him the same way.

    If he can't do this, then think about if you have regular dissatisfaction in your relationship, that it means he's not the right one for you. I know that when I was a teen, I was always respectful to the mom of my boyfriend of two years, even though I didn't really feel comfortable around her. She did underhanded things to undermine our relationship. I think she was possessive over her eldest son, and for that or some other reason I never understood, she didn't want us together. Instead of voicing anything about his mother, I just broke up with him because I didn't want to end up marrying someone whose mother would always play an overbearing part in our lives along with other reasons. I was mature enough not to badmouth her or act y around her. The others are right that your bf is immature and lacks intelligent social skills that would benefit him in life. You're seeing how he acts. Always make decisions based on whether or not you can live forever with things, as is, in the present situation versus being hopeful someone will change in a major way, because it's rare that they do.

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  6. #25
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    There are some similarities of the situation in regards to like when a couple with children divorces, one parent shouldn't badmouth each other to the children, because the children love their parents and it's hurtful and confusing to hear bad things about them. Perhaps you can explain it to your bf this way, that it's hurtful for you to hear him be dismissive about your mom and his hurtful comments about her. I'd tell him that you can't force him to like her, but that he needs to be respectful and kind to her when he's around her, just as you expect anybody in your family to treat him the same way.

    If he can't do this, then think about if you have regular dissatisfaction in your relationship, that it means he's not the right one for you. I know that when I was a teen, I was always respectful to the mom of my boyfriend of two years, even though I didn't really feel comfortable around her. She did underhanded things to undermine our relationship. I think she was possessive over her eldest son, and for that or some other reason I never understood, she didn't want us together. Instead of voicing anything about his mother, I just broke up with him because I didn't want to end up marrying someone whose mother would always play an overbearing part in our lives along with other reasons. I was mature enough not to badmouth her or act y around her. The others are right that your bf is immature and lacks intelligent social skills that would benefit him in life. You're seeing how he acts. Always make decisions based on whether or not you can live forever with things, as is, in the present situation versus being hopeful someone will change in a major way, because it's rare that they do.
    I agree my in-laws of 26 years have been hideous to me for 31 years. Since the moment I started going out with my boyfriend who became my husband. I have been unfailing polite and nice towards them despite anything they do because my husband loves them. He knows I hate them ( now). I didnít hate them at first I was just utterly confused as to why they didnít like me. Now I just canít stand them with a passion but I am unfailingly polite. I love my husband and my husband loves them and our son loves them.

    But if heís not even willing to try this is not going to work I guarantee it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to stop forcing people on each other or families on each other. Also beware of anyone who tries to isolate you or creates rifts with people. You two are old enough to go on your own dates, do things by yourselves. He should not be accepting your mother treating him, etc.

    Are you in a culture where parental approval is vital and this much family unison is the norm? Try to think for yourself when it comes to his character. Ask your mother to not want favors from him. You are trying to mesh families Way Too Much.

    At 22 and just dating, you are acting like you are engaged or married and this fast forwarding alone is a little creepy. Scale back. You are the center of the controversy you are creating.
    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    When he's so often saying how my mom "wanted him out of my life" so "what does that tell him about her?". He says he'll try to get along but "you can't force a feeling" and he's been saying that for over a year.

  8. #27
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    Being married to a white dude, and being Asian, and having Amer-Asian children, and having tons of relatives with very few marrying outside of the ethnicity - I've met parents who HATED their kids' spouse. Then, overtime grew to love them soooooo much. The right partner will know, "you get what you give." Your mom has made peace and acceptance with your boyfriend in your life, but your boyfriend has a chip on his shoulder I'm sure makes you sad - I don't see him as your partner for the long haul. I know you can't force feelings, but your mom is being loving, and your boyfriend just resents her and holds a grudge - one day, that grudge will be on you.

  9. #28
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    You said he was rude in the beginning because he was "inexperienced?" Inexperienced with what? People? The beginning of a relationship is easiest with parents. Do you live with your mom? After so many dates, a young man pops in when picking you up - a quick hello and introduction - you have a lovely home, and off to the date - just so mom and dad can see you are not a serial killer. A 2 minute convo. If someone doesn't know how to be polite or cannot handle the phase in the relationship where you have no relationship to the parents and you make 5 seconds of small talk, then how do you handle anything further?

    If he didn't want to make picture frames, that is awfully divisive to tell you "i will do for you and not your mom". He could have just said "I don't have the ability/time to do side projects now, but will let you know if i do"

    This guy is already trying to isolate you from your mom - which might not actually be working - by making it clear that he won't associate. That will be way worse if you married or got more serious and he was a normal fixture at family gatherings and such. I guarantee he would try to talk you out of going or have a little toddler pout about it.

    Stop letting him demonize her. My parents were very relieved when myself and my first boyfriend broke up because he was passive aggressive and i cried in my room a lot over him even when we were together. My parents wished i would find a good relationship with someone who was happy to be with me. I didn't find it with him, We got back together briefly, but ultimately broke up again

    The right match for you would accept all of you

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Whenever people aren't peaceful people, say something inappropriate and disrespectful and don't try to be harmonious, I see this as a red flag in their personality and character which produces long term complicated problems for all dynamics.

    I've had a great relationship with my sister all my life UNTIL she married her narcissistic husband who is some piece of work, a real loose cannon, very disrespectful, says uncalled for comments publicly and socially, she defends and prioritizes her marriage over me and engages in gaslighting me. I was left with no recourse except to "divorce" her from my life. Narcissism is a serious mental disorder for which there is no cure. The only time we gather for family reunions are for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the sake of the cousins including my sons. I'll do my part cooking up tons of food for the buffet but after that, don't bother me for the next 11 months.

    My MIL (mother-in-law) and I had a rough start during the early years of my marriage. My husband is her favorite out of her 3 children. I'm the lady who took her baby away from her. She had difficulty adjusting to no longer being the apple of her son's eye. Fortunately, she has since mellowed considerably over the years and even though we are compatible, we're definitely not close. We are respectful, kind, polite and well mannered with each other albeit not chummy. It works. I treat her well, always send postal thank you notes to her, always remember her birthday, celebrate by cooking dinner for her and FIL (father-in-law), etc. I practice good diplomacy which is the secret.

    Perhaps your boyfriend and your mother can have enforced healthy boundaries in order to maintain peace at a safe distance. This is how I am as is my husband towards my mother. We're all peaceful people yet not very close. Why do you think acquaintances get along so great?

    I agree with others. You can't force people to like each other. Most people don't even care to like each other nor have interest in one another even among family members, in-laws, new boyfriends or girlfriends. We can be acquaintances at best but no more. Some people prefer to be strangers for life.

    I agree with others. Stop confiding so much to your mother. Both sides need to step back. Your mother is trying too hard to be well liked by your boyfriend so she should stop paying for his trips, chauffeuring him, supporting his business, paying for his dinners, including him in family dinners and the like since he's acting like an ungrateful, uppity spoiled brat. If he wants to show his sincere gratitude, he needs to step up by manning up; not necessarily becoming sugary syrupy sweet towards her but at least gracious and kind since after all, she is putting forth her sincere effort to be good to him with her wallet and putting her money where her mouth is.

    If he doesn't feel like making wooden picture frames, your mother should stop doing anything for him if she's going to ask him for conditional favors in return. Now, he's beholden, feels obliged and indebted as those inclusions were not really for "free." There was a catch. My MIL was like that long ago and my cousin, too who is estranged from me because I cut it off with her. I don't like the "I'll scratch your back if you scratch my back" mentality.

    What should you do? Accept the situation as is. There is nothing you can do. As others have mentioned, you can't force two people to like each other. "Like" either exists or it does not.

    I'm a mother, too. My husband and I wouldn't appreciate if our daughter was always asked for rides, had her boyfriend leaving her to drive alone at night and made her cry A LOT. That would not go over very well with us which is an understatement!

    If your boyfriend is only willing to make wooden picture frames for you but not for your mom, he is acting passive aggressively and this is a real problem. He's not expressing his gratitude for her efforts to include him in the family even though if I were your mom, I wouldn't ask anyone to do favors for me just because I was nice to them for a while. However, with many relationships, it's give and take and not all love and care are unconditional.

    For example, my in-laws are monetarily extremely generous to my husband, sons and me. Therefore, when they ask for favors in return such as occasional household repairs (plumbing), disassembling their Christmas tree, putting holiday lights and decor in a storage area in their garage, emergency help such as home cooked dinners if they're incapable of driving out for meals (illness, post-hospital, post-surgery, etc.) or something of that nature, we're beholden, obliged and indebted, therefore, we do it as long as requests are infrequent and reasonable.

    Most of all, what you need to examine is your boyfriend's character if you plan to be with him long term or if you're considering him as marriage material. This problem will not go away. If he doesn't know how to get along nor willing to at least put forth the effort to be gracious and kind to your mom, he's not an easy person to get along with not to mention he's a red flag if he has no qualms putting your safety at risk and takes advantage of you.

    I hope you won't repeat my sister's mistake. She married a handsome guy, he's an amazing provider, they reside in a $1.6 mil house, they have 3 kids in private schools and live the high life. However, her husband, my BIL (brother-in-law) is a "package deal" meaning in order to enjoy his money and all material things, she has to tolerate and accept his bad "mouth problem." He says the most inappropriate, disrespectful, obnoxiously rude comments to everyone and his own immediate family is NOT spared. BIL even said some unforgivable, snide, nasty comments to my young sons! Meanwhile, she posts pics regarding how marvelous her lifestyle is on FB, IG and social media. Looks are deceiving. I know the real dirt.

    BIL deliberately isolates others from my sister, he paws her publicly as if she is his property and he acts like a jerk. He is disdainful.

    Pay very close attention to unsavory personality traits, character defects and incurable flaws because at the end of the day, it's all that matters. High quality character is enduring whereas bad character will make your daily life miserable for years to come.

    You'd better shop around.

  11. #30
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    I think he's playing the "hate" card because he senses your Mom is on to his antics. I'm sure she sees the big picture here, and is simply looking out for your well being.

    Either way, he sounds a bit immature. Listen to Mom..
    .
    I second this post in its entirety.

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