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Thread: Anyone have an ex who runs away from conversation and is very indecisive?

  1. #1
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Anyone have an ex who runs away from conversation and is very indecisive?

    He initiated the breakup citing he felt we wanted different things (him wanting a lighter more easy going relationship, me pushing to settle down - this is after almost 4 years together and we are in our late 30’s!) started fighting everyday about anything and everything. The way he handled it was so messy, one day it’s what he wants and the next day he’s unsure getting mad at me for removing my things from the apartment. Finally we go no contact for months until the quarantine hits and I reach out with a message for his safety telling him explicitly not to contact me if he doesn’t wish to discuss what happened as I felt the decision to breakup was so wishy washy without proper conversation to which HOURS LATER he replies back ignoring my instruction, filling me in on his life but not addressing the breakup either. I get pissed and confront him essentially we go back and forth where he tells me he has been avoiding processing the breakup feelings throwing himself into work and he knows how unhealthy that is but that it is too painful to process(too painful to process? It had been 6 months at this point!) that he will always love me and he also adds that he doesn’t want to “Get my hopes up” but that he hopes we can talk without hurt feelings at some point (I interpret this to mean he wants to talk but doesn’t want to deal with my emotions as I’m a very fiery personality, he’s told me several times my intense emotions make him want to run). He begs me not to get into it ‘right now’ I tell him that I am sorry for intruding on his life as it seems he wants us to move on from one another and that it won’t happen again. It has been more weeks of radio silence and I’m not sure what to do. Not wanting to get into it “right now” does that mean one day you plan on it? Or is that just BS to fend me off? I’ve been looking into attachment styles and he is definitely “dismissive avoidant” who runs from highly emotional conversations and I am “anxious preoccupied” who craves reassurance (these two types often end up together albeit their opposite characteristics). The advice is to let them come to you on their comfort terms to talk but where the hell does that leave me in the meantime? When I reached out he answered and is happy to hear from me but does not take action by his own accord to talk to me. And for those who say “just forget him and move on” I wish I could just turn this off and do that! I am not ready to let go for whatever reason just yet and am looking to connect with others who have had similar experiences...

  2. #2
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    You know the reason for the break up, he had told you repeatedly. I am sorry, but I do not understand why you would reach out to ask him again?

    I am sorry, but he does not see you as a life partner. He told you this again. You are not listening.

    There is NO future with him. You need to move on. Block and delete him. Stop hurting yourself. Accept his decision.

  3. #3
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    I think the hard truth is this is not a man that you can "settle down" with anytime soon, if ever. Only you can decide which is more important for you. Finding a stable, loving relationship and maybe leading to marriage/family etc? Or hanging on to this man and his drama?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Did he coerce you into moving out? Just curious. Dialogue can be tricky sometimes in the heat of an argument or when people are going through a lot of emotions. If he sounded passive aggressive and as if he might have wanted you out or didn't want you in the same apartment, no healthy-minded individual would stay (I would hope). Do you regret moving out?

    Do you mind me also asking what questions you have about the break up?

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  6. #5
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You know the reason for the break up, he had told you repeatedly. I am sorry, but I do not understand why you would reach out to ask him again?

    I am sorry, but he does not see you as a life partner. He told you this again. You are not listening.

    There is NO future with him. You need to move on. Block and delete him. Stop hurting yourself. Accept his decision.
    What do you see as the reason? It is not so clear cut to me

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    Breakups, like feelings, are often messy, rarely surgical. They are a process, and the longer the relationship, generally, the longer the process. People do their best to express themselves, though one person's best may not dovetail with another's. If it could? Well, odds are you wouldn't be breaking up—or, inside the relationship, wouldn't need to be "pushing" for things, as seems to have been the case with you two.

    That said, given that you weren't in contact for 6 months—and that he wasn't reaching out—I'd say that's a pretty "clean" and ultimately pretty "decisive" expression of where he is, what he wants, and how those things do not align with your own wants. If he wanted to talk, rehash and relitigate? He would have reached out to do exactly that, without being pushed. And if he wanted that with some pandemic-era pushing from you? He would have followed your "instructions" to a T.

    But at the end of the day he is not you, and there are limits to trying to control and corral another person into being a version of themselves that may not exist.

    In other words, he is not "running away," at least from what I see, or even exhibiting a specific attachment style. He just doesn't want what you want, or have it him to give you what you need. Probably goes both ways, that, a truth that is not easy for either you, that you're both still coming to terms with in your own ways. I understand that's painful to contemplate, but I think you may be ultimately causing yourself more pain in pushing for something that many years, along with the past 6 months, have shown you is not really there. Like trying to mine for gold in a cave where there are only rocks, the end result is fatigue and disappointment. Banging the pickaxe harder doesn't change things.

    I do very much understand not being ready to let go of something, of someone. My own approach, for whatever it's worth, has been to accept that thorny truth about myself—that I am still holding on, with a door open—but to not do anything to force another person through that door. I spend that time reflecting, reclaiming myself, and trusting that time will provide the answers I need more than any personal effort to extract of excavate them. If the only way I can connect with someone is through manipulation, my thinking goes, then it's not a connection that has the juice I need for sustainability.

    A few cents to spend however you see fit.

  8. #7
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Did he coerce you into moving out? Just curious. Dialogue can be tricky sometimes in the heat of an argument or when people are going through a lot of emotions. If he sounded passive aggressive and as if he might have wanted you out or didn't want you in the same apartment, no healthy-minded individual would stay (I would hope). Do you regret moving out?

    Do you mind me also asking what questions you have about the break up?
    He told me to get my things, I agreed, then he back peddled and said maybe we shouldn’t rush into packing up your things, I said too late (I was angry at the back pedaling and wanted him to FEEL the consequences of his words) so I went and packed my things up when he wasn’t home. He got home, saw what I did then got upset with me for “rushing into moving out”. I said too bad you should have thought this through before telling me to get my things! This is where it gets confusing for me... did we break up out of high running emotions? We never met face to face to discuss ANYTHING. It was very messy and indecisive ‘are we doing this? Maybe not? Are we rushing?’ And a lot of hurt feelings which to this day has not been discussed.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but he is being very very clear and decisive about the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear, but it's what you are dealing with. He doesn't want to discuss anything with you precisely because he made that final decision and he is not interested in turning a decision into a discussion. He doesn't hold any ill feelings toward you, that's why he can be friendly with you, but do yourself a favor and don't mistake that for anything other than what it is - the end.

    Opposites might initially attract, but then they fight and that's really your relationship in a nutshell. It wasn't working because you are both too opposite to actually get along in the long run. As other posters pointed out, you can try and waste more of your time and energy on this and get nowhere, or you can redirect that energy to healing and moving on and finding a partner who is more similar to you, so that you actually get along and get each other better.

  10. #9
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about all this.

    Breakups, like feelings, are often messy, rarely surgical. They are a process, and the longer the relationship, generally, the longer the process. People do their best to express themselves, though one person's best may not dovetail with another's. If it could? Well, odds are you wouldn't be breaking up—or, inside the relationship, wouldn't need to be "pushing" for things, as seems to have been the case with you two.

    That said, given that you weren't in contact for 6 months—and that he wasn't reaching out—I'd say that's a pretty "clean" and ultimately pretty "decisive" expression of where he is, what he wants, and how those things do not align with your own wants. If he wanted to talk, rehash and relitigate? He would have reached out to do exactly that, without being pushed. And if he wanted that with some pandemic-era pushing from you? He would have followed your "instructions" to a T.

    But at the end of the day he is not you, and there are limits to trying to control and corral another person into being a version of themselves that may not exist.

    In other words, he is not "running away," at least from what I see, or even exhibiting a specific attachment style. He just doesn't want what you want, or have it him to give you what you need. Probably goes both ways, that, a truth that is not easy for either you, that you're both still coming to terms with in your own ways. I understand that's painful to contemplate, but I think you may be ultimately causing yourself more pain in pushing for something that many years, along with the past 6 months, have shown you is not really there. Like trying to mine for gold in a cave where there are only rocks, the end result is fatigue and disappointment. Banging the pickaxe harder doesn't change things.

    I do very much understand not being ready to let go of something, of someone. My own approach, for whatever it's worth, has been to accept that thorny truth about myself—that I am still holding on, with a door open—but to not do anything to force another person through that door. I spend that time reflecting, reclaiming myself, and trusting that time will provide the answers I need more than any personal effort to extract of excavate them. If the only way I can connect with someone is through manipulation, my thinking goes, then it's not a connection that has the juice I need for sustainability.

    A few cents to spend however you see fit.
    But why tell me “I don’t want to get into this right now, it’s too painful” does that mean one day you plan on it? How can you not process your emotions on YOUR decision to breakup MONTHS later? How do you know it was even the right decision if you keep suppressing the feelings and avoiding thinking it through? This is what makes me feel he is running from the pain of it all. The pain tells me there is still love there, why throw all of that away?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    But why tell me “I don’t want to get into this right now, it’s too painful” does that mean one day you plan on it? How can you not process your emotions on YOUR decision to breakup MONTHS later? How do you know it was even the right decision if you keep suppressing the feelings and avoiding thinking it through? This is what makes me feel he is running from the pain of it all. The pain tells me there is still love there, why throw all of that away?
    I think the "right now" does not mean he will discuss in the future.

    You reached out. He doesn't want to discuss. He doesn't want to say flat out that won't talk to you about it.

    I think you need to take the obvious actions or in this case lack of actions on his part. I know you want it cut and dry but, that's not his way... Why? It doesn't matter.

    Find someone better... you'll be better off with someone that knows he wants to be with you, is able to express his wants and in general communicates in the same way do.. Directly.

    PS... We all have these exes. that's why they're exes.

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