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Thread: Anyone have an ex who runs away from conversation and is very indecisive?

  1. #61
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I'd be afraid to end things with you and I kinda understand why he did it in a drive by sorta way.

    Here you are, long after you've broken up with him and insisting you still need to hash it out. But it's the very act of hashing that made him leave. He may be reserved or passive but there is absolutely nothing wrong with him not wanting to relive all the dramatic reasons that relationship ended to begin with. He's moved on. He sees no point in jumping in the fire with you. I can't say I blame him. It seems you are trying to control the break up as well.

    He knows you are a force to be reckoned with. It's clear that in your words this relationship isn't over. It seems you feel if you could just rehash things you two might come to better understanding and reconcile. But this is the very thing that drove him away. He tells you no, and you still are not hearing him

    I dated someone once who thought he was helping me by making recommendations, making some rules to live by etc. He insisted he was being helpful and I should be grateful. I broke up with him. I told him that he saw himself as a parent to me. I personally don't want to have a romantic relationship with someone who was father like to me, let alone be sexual with him. It was a turn off. I want a partner not a parent.

    If his mother is the same and she so much as condones you managing his life, he sees you as his mom. That is a relationship killer. No man wants to date their mother.

  2. #62
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can relate to what you're saying, in ways. One of my dearest friends? She is an "ex," which I put in quotes because it's been about 15 year since I thought of her like that. She was an "ex" after we broke up, while I was healing, and we respectfully each gave each other a lot of space to process—like, years. Then she just became a person, which of course is all she ever was, someone living her life, not put on the planet to augment mine or make looking in the mirror a more palatable experience for me. Two others? We're on good terms, should we bump into each other, which happens, and we've caught up over lunches here and there. But these are people I have let go of, emotionally, and who have long let go of me. Whatever hard emotions we had to process once upon a time, whatever we needed to do to let go and move forward—we did it, on our own, at our own paces, not together.

    This case, with you? You seem angry, in part, that he won't continue being in a relationship, or won't continue litigating the breakup—that he's not upholding a contract, so to speak, that you've written. That's understandable and allowed, of course. But it's also making "love" a currency, a transaction, and your terms the terms. When he doesn't meet your terms? It is not an extension of who he is, not something you can respect or love without hostility, but instead it becomes an affront to you, a dismissal, or a verdict—or, most damning, a lack of "love." You were there, the story goes, but he was not.

    And you can keep writing that story and finding a jagged form of power in it, if it serves you, but I'd really challenge yourself to ask: Why were you there, over and over, to someone who was not there for you? Would you continue to pour money into a slot machine that gave nothing back? Was the self-identity of being someone who is "there" during "hard times" more important to you than reciprocity and equality? Was part of what he provided, in being himself and in not being there—not in the relationship, not now—a mirror to how you'd like to see yourself? And also? Is it even logical to believe someone who was never there, as you wanted, when you were together would suddenly be there with perfect pitch when you're apart?

    Per some of the parent-child stuff touched on in other posts, the tone here is a bit like that of a parent who is angry at their child for going into the arts when they groomed their child to become a corporate lawyer. Their vision of their child is threatened, which is to say their vision of themselves, and their influence, is threatened, something you see plenty of, and perhaps saw a bit in your own childhood. Still, speaking only for myself, I would call that a very narrow view of support and love, since it's predicated on the parent getting their way more than it is on the child blossoming into whoever they are. When those same "rules" get applied to adult romances—well, there are limitations, and limits. No adult, even the most passive, wants to feel parented.

    I know it all hurts, and I'm truly sorry for that hurt. Sounds, honestly, that you spent a lot of time hurting inside the relationship, betting that taking on just a bit more pain would one day lead to pleasure, and finding solace more in the idea of your sacrifices and gifts than in what he supplied to enhance your experience of living. If that was at all the case, the breakup is going to carry a particularly potent sting, because it's not just the melancholic end of a connection but the realization that a certain emotional investment scheme was designed for spiritual depletion, like buying a house you can't quite afford, or taking on debt to grow a business that never turns a profit.

    Devastating stuff, all that, but the silver lining is that there can be lessons about home buying and investing that lead to different approaches, different schemes.

  3. #63
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I'd be afraid to end things with you and I kinda understand why he did it in a drive by sorta way.

    Here you are, long after you've broken up with him and insisting you still need to hash it out. But it's the very act of hashing that made him leave. He may be reserved or passive but there is absolutely nothing wrong with him not wanting to relive all the dramatic reasons that relationship ended to begin with. He's moved on. He sees no point in jumping in the fire with you. I can't say I blame him. It seems you are trying to control the break up as well.

    He knows you are a force to be reckoned with. It's clear that in your words this relationship isn't over. It seems you feel if you could just rehash things you two might come to better understanding and reconcile. But this is the very thing that drove him away. He tells you no, and you still are not hearing him

    I dated someone once who thought he was helping me by making recommendations, making some rules to live by etc. He insisted he was being helpful and I should be grateful. I broke up with him. I told him that he saw himself as a parent to me. I personally don't want to have a romantic relationship with someone who was father like to me, let alone be sexual with him. It was a turn off. I want a partner not a parent.

    If his mother is the same and she so much as condones you managing his life, he sees you as his mom. That is a relationship killer. No man wants to date their mother.
    I agree with you that I was micro managing the relationship. Especially in the end. In the beginning I wasn’t like this and I have to say I have never been this extreme in any other relationship. But the more I felt “unsteady” on where I stood in his life the more my need of “control” came out. I would say the first two years we were partners and everything was equal. He would talk about moving forward and this made me feel good and secure. I was happy. But as I saw him stall and not actually make moves to make progress with me I started getting more and more insecure (are these just words? What is going on here? You want me to go apartment hunting alone? Why?) thus I started pushing more which made him retreat even further and it became a vicious cycle. I firmly believe it is something that *could* have been resolved with some conversation and understanding on BOTH sides (i should have LISTENED to his subtle manner more 100%, I failed on that end) this is where I’m frustrated. Also his mother is the complete opposite of me ironically. Very passive and easy going, i think he loved my confidence and assertiveness as he mentioned several times he had no doubt I would be a great mother and this was something VERY important to him but in the end it was the very thing that drove us apart. I overstepped boundaries on several occasions and I see that now. I just kind of feel like...ppl even give cheaters and relationships second chances every day. I didn’t even get the OPPORTUNITY to say hey you were right I DIDNT listen to your needs/wants, I see my behavior was wrong and I’d like the chance to show you different. That’s where I’m extremely frustrated.

  4. #64
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I can relate to what you're saying, in ways. One of my dearest friends? She is an "ex," which I put in quotes because it's been about 15 year since I thought of her like that. She was an "ex" after we broke up, while I was healing, and we respectfully each gave each other a lot of space to process—like, years. Then she just became a person, which of course is all she ever was, someone living her life, not put on the planet to augment mine or make looking in the mirror a more palatable experience for me. Two others? We're on good terms, should we bump into each other, which happens, and we've caught up over lunches here and there. But these are people I have let go of, emotionally, and who have long let go of me. Whatever hard emotions we had to process once upon a time, whatever we needed to do to let go and move forward—we did it, on our own, at our own paces, not together.

    This case, with you? You seem angry, in part, that he won't continue being in a relationship, or won't continue litigating the breakup—that he's not upholding a contract, so to speak, that you've written. That's understandable and allowed, of course. But it's also making "love" a currency, a transaction, and your terms the terms. When he doesn't meet your terms? It is not an extension of who he is, not something you can respect or love without hostility, but instead it becomes an affront to you, a dismissal, or a verdict—or, most damning, a lack of "love." You were there, the story goes, but he was not.

    And you can keep writing that story and finding a jagged form of power in it, if it serves you, but I'd really challenge yourself to ask: Why were you there, over and over, to someone who was not there for you? Would you continue to pour money into a slot machine that gave nothing back? Was the self-identity of being someone who is "there" during "hard times" more important to you than reciprocity and equality? Was part of what he provided, in being himself and in not being there—not in the relationship, not now—a mirror to how you'd like to see yourself? And also? Is it even logical to believe someone who was never there, as you wanted, when you were together would suddenly be there with perfect pitch when you're apart?

    Per some of the parent-child stuff touched on in other posts, the tone here is a bit like that of a parent who is angry at their child for going into the arts when they groomed their child to become a corporate lawyer. Their vision of their child is threatened, which is to say their vision of themselves, and their influence, is threatened, something you see plenty of, and perhaps saw a bit in your own childhood. Still, speaking only for myself, I would call that a very narrow view of support and love, since it's predicated on the parent getting their way more than it is on the child blossoming into whoever they are. When those same "rules" get applied to adult romances—well, there are limitations, and limits. No adult, even the most passive, wants to feel parented.

    I know it all hurts, and I'm truly sorry for that hurt. Sounds, honestly, that you spent a lot of time hurting inside the relationship, betting that taking on just a bit more pain would one day lead to pleasure, and finding solace more in the idea of your sacrifices and gifts than in what he supplied to enhance your experience of living. If that was at all the case, the breakup is going to carry a particularly potent sting, because it's not just the melancholic end of a connection but the realization that a certain emotional investment scheme was designed for spiritual depletion, like buying a house you can't quite afford, or taking on debt to grow a business that never turns a profit.

    Devastating stuff, all that, but the silver lining is that there can be lessons about home buying and investing that lead to different approaches, different schemes.
    Agreed, I was left feeling like everything was an illusion. I feel like I gave 110% from my heart and he just “showed up” so to speak. It’s one thing for this to go on for a few months but this went on for four years. Again I don’t “give to get” but a big part of my problem is when he was talking about engagement and living together... this was all I needed to feel secure in my relationship and happy. It didn’t matter so much that he wasn’t showing love in the exact same ways that I show love Bc I don’t need that. But when you tell me you want me to move in then you back peddle when it comes to apartment hunting.... when you tell me you want to get engaged but we NEVER go ring shopping.... when you tell me how much you love and appreciate me don’t be shook when I question and say ok HOW are you showing these things? Love is words yes but it’s also action. And part of the confusion is when he jerked me around “I want to breakup actually I’m not sure if I do, maybe we are rushing this, no wait go get your stuff, actually no I’m mad you got your stuff why did you do that” it’s like HELLO GUY DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY OR GO?! If you don’t care about me or know I’m not the one or decided I’m too much for you then what is all this uncertainty?! I’m just HURT and don’t know what to make of the relationship. Most people wouldn’t care but I do. And your 100% correct in saying if he wasn’t there for me during the relationship why would he be there now that it’s over. I’m a fool for expecting that for sure.

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  6. #65
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't think you're an outlier in being hurt in this situation. Things not working out romantically, especially after years? The pain, while unique to every individual going through their unique situation, is also pretty universal. It is a very real "break" between past, present, and future—a void that takes some time to adjust to.

    Right now? You're still kind of paddling against the current, hoping to change its direction, reacting to feelings of hurt and humiliation when humility might offer you more peace. The idea that it "could" have worked, if only, if only...well, that is kind of pain management, along with hubris, an attempt to bend reality into something more accommodating than it actually is. Talk to a football player after a Super Bowl loss, and they'll tell you have they could have won, if only that one pass wasn't dropped, or that one block held, or that one ref wasn't so hungry to throw a penalty flag. Thinking along those lines makes the big thing—the Super Bowl loss—manageable, if also still only half-accepted. The score is the score, and one player is not the whole team. Comes a point when the dropped pass has the be accepted, so the player and team can improve for the next season.

    I see a lot of lessons here, to be absorbed on your own timeline, when you're ready to see that as the win. Someone who just "shows up," by your estimation, while you're putting in (by that same estimation) 110 percent—that is basically the definition of unequal. That it went on for years? Well, that tells me that part of you, maybe not consciously, was seeking inequality. I'd give that some thought on your end—thought, not judgement—and I say this as someone who has had to give that some thought in my own life in order to refine my own compass a bit.

    Imagine not measuring any of this in percentages because you just have enough—more than enough, even. You can think of that as an impossible utopia, or you can think of that as the baseline for even having a shot at sustainable romance and partnership. If you needed this time with him to get a more clear vision along those fronts? Well, I think that could be one way to make sense of the relationship that allows you to exhale.

  7. #66
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    OP.. There is not a single person on this forum that can say its over for good and there is no chance that you two will ever get back. But in saying that I don't want to give you false hope and that's the difference.
    What you must accept and not just you but others that are in the same situation that its over for now and that means for now you must move forward. You have to place yourself in a situation in your life IF your X decided to come back you are in a good position to accept or not accept them. But you cant live your life thinking an X will come back. There is a balance here. So the best way is to just move forward and work on you.
    Now, your X knows that you want him. And right now he does not want to talk about anything deep. Doesn't want to talk about the future, where things went wrong, whos fault it is, what can be done to change the outcome, no arguments, confrontations, because he is mentally not where you are and that is okay. Just means that you two are on different paths.
    I know its hard to let someone go. But it is for the best and I can tell you why.
    No one wants to be with someone who is still in the exact same place that you saw them last. Its like being left at the altar and still have the wedding dress on years later just in case their X comes back. No one wants someone like that. At least I don't, but I cant speak for others on here.
    So the best thing for you to do is go make you happy. Don't worry, your X will know what you are doing and if you leave him alone, you can let him see if he likes you being in his life.. or he may decide not to have you in his life. But the point is, you must move on and who knows, you might meet someone and forget about your X entirely.. :)
    Know you will be okay.. make you happy.

  8. #67
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by No1
    OP.. There is not a single person on this forum that can say its over for good and there is no chance that you two will ever get back. But in saying that I don't want to give you false hope and that's the difference.
    What you must accept and not just you but others that are in the same situation that its over for now and that means for now you must move forward. You have to place yourself in a situation in your life IF your X decided to come back you are in a good position to accept or not accept them. But you cant live your life thinking an X will come back. There is a balance here. So the best way is to just move forward and work on you.
    Now, your X knows that you want him. And right now he does not want to talk about anything deep. Doesn't want to talk about the future, where things went wrong, whos fault it is, what can be done to change the outcome, no arguments, confrontations, because he is mentally not where you are and that is okay. Just means that you two are on different paths.
    I know its hard to let someone go. But it is for the best and I can tell you why.
    No one wants to be with someone who is still in the exact same place that you saw them last. Its like being left at the altar and still have the wedding dress on years later just in case their X comes back. No one wants someone like that. At least I don't, but I cant speak for others on here.
    So the best thing for you to do is go make you happy. Don't worry, your X will know what you are doing and if you leave him alone, you can let him see if he likes you being in his life.. or he may decide not to have you in his life. But the point is, you must move on and who knows, you might meet someone and forget about your X entirely.. :)
    Know you will be okay.. make you happy.
    I agree with you, he knows how I feel and I can’t do anything else but move forward as time will pass with or without him. All I can do right now is focus on myself and improve upon the lessons I learned as discussed here. Thank you for your time and input, much appreciated.

  9. #68
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    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    I agree with you, he knows how I feel and I can’t do anything else but move forward as time will pass with or without him. All I can do right now is focus on myself and improve upon the lessons I learned as discussed here. Thank you for your time and input, much appreciated.
    Now, learning to let go is a valuable lesson not only in love, but in life in general. Learning to accept the moment, learning to know what you can change and what you cant change and learning how to let go are huge and it will only help you in all facets of your life. Work, family, friends, love will all give you drama and learning how to deal with them now will help you so much.

    Also, words mean nothing without action. Not only does that go for your next romantic interest but that goes for you too. You can say here that its time to move on and say all the right things, but its actions that will help you. So match the words with action. The sun will rise and set without your X in it, so if you stop and wait for your X, life is going to pass you by really quick. You are going to be okay. There is always someone better for you.

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