Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 68

Thread: Anyone have an ex who runs away from conversation and is very indecisive?

  1. #21
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    42
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm wondering: Along with all the intense feelings and confusion, is there any part of you that views all this as a story of two people who just don't mesh very well? Not your fault, not his, but just is?

    I know it's more complicated than that—it always is, with feelings, with history, with hopes—but from where I'm sitting, as a pixilated advocate for your health and happiness, it's very hard to see it any other way. Kind of seems like a guy who was fun to date, but who came up short, far short, of what you want and need from a partner. Could seeing it all like that, bitter pill it is to swallow, maybe be the "win" here that soothes your direct, achievement-oriented nature?

    Thought experiment: Remove yourself from the equation of his life, and do you genuinely respect the way he goes about the business of living? Do you genuinely see him as a human being you can be yourself, harmoniously, alongside? Might be questions worth reflecting on, with the answers you give yourself providing more clarity than whatever you've gotten, or are trying to get, from him.

    The impression I get is that he is scared of you, while you are annoyed at him—a low-simmering constant that came to an unceremonious boil six months ago. Were he more direct and less passive-aggressive, perhaps he would be able to express this to you. But that would require him to be a completely different person, and it's that person, I think, that you'd be much happier with—someone who carries himself in the world in a way you respect and relate to.
    Honestly I felt for the most part that we complimented each other - I was the take charge level headed person during problems which worked for him as he gets very flustered and freezes up during unexpected life issues. I would be the one he would call “I have this problem and I don’t know what to do”. He was the calm go with the flow vibe that helped me stop and smell the roses. Many friends of ours said we worked as a great team.

    I find our communication styles to be what drove us off the edge. I’m not afraid of any confrontation while he loathes it and shuts down so when you pin us as opponents I always looked like the aggressor. He would always say “how come I never have an issue with anything you do” to which I would say I’m not sure that’s entirely a good thing! honestly in 4 years he got mad at me ONCE, I honestly don’t even see how that’s possible! So in that sense It’s very interesting you say he was afraid of me bc I don’t even think he allowed himself to be bothered for fear of conflict.

    at one point during the breakup he started saying how he just didn’t think we got along and that ruffled my feathers quite a bit because I feel like when you drill down you can identify who has what issue they need to work on in order to make it work IF you really love each other. For example- he needs to work on speaking up and I need to work on not steamrolling somebody assuming they are ok with the decisions I’m making. Saying we just don’t get along when you’ve already discussed marriage and children is a very “easy” way out in my opinion so nobody has to work on their flaws. Nobody cheated, abused, or did anything past the point of no return here, maybe he just doesn’t love me enough to work this out and finds it easier to move on.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,853
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    It was VERY frustrating and this is only a snap shot, I’ve always been a very decisive person clear on my goals and he is the opposite. He tends to go any way the wind blows and HATES conflict. This is where my strengths are his weakness and vice versa. My strengths helped him achieve MANY of his goals he would most likely not have pursued without my support. In the end it’s like he began to resent me for it fighting me on every little thing and I got resentful as well as I was giving and giving not getting what I want in return. Thank you for being one of the few to ask questions to better understand along with offering a quality response.
    Hold the phone, Joan. Before you delve back into the world of dating, read up on codependency, and particularly Boundaries. The book "boundaries" by Cloud i believe covers this. Making someone need you/making yourself so integral that they can't operate without you speaks about both. Part of you might feel he/a guy wouldn't "keep you" unless you made yourself supremely "needed" like this. Part of you may have trouble with overstepping your boundaries (stepping in and fixing or pushing people to do things that should be in their own time if at all), or maybe picking guys as 'fixer uppers'. But when you operate that way you do not TRUST people to handle their own lives and that could be how he felt

    He could be a perfectly fine man with no fixing needed, but likes things to unfold a little more gradually and at the right time where you are "marriage?" ok, here's the spreadsheet for the next year on how to get there... He is not incapable of commitment - he is the type of guy (not a bad type) who would surrpise you when you least expected it when it felt right to him - whereas you would have researched all types of diamonds and where the best place to go to buy one was and would have laid down a brochure. Yes, very practical, but the go with the flow when it feels right is him.

    You don't have to change your goal-orientedness, but maybe read up about healthy boundaries and codependency. You have to learn to take people for who they are - if a guy is not a guy for you, move on - don't overstep his boundaries to herd him into changing.

  3. #23
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    42
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Hold the phone, Joan. Before you delve back into the world of dating, read up on codependency, and particularly Boundaries. The book "boundaries" by Cloud i believe covers this. Making someone need you/making yourself so integral that they can't operate without you speaks about both. Part of you might feel he/a guy wouldn't "keep you" unless you made yourself supremely "needed" like this. Part of you may have trouble with overstepping your boundaries (stepping in and fixing or pushing people to do things that should be in their own time if at all), or maybe picking guys as 'fixer uppers'. But when you operate that way you do not TRUST people to handle their own lives and that could be how he felt

    He could be a perfectly fine man with no fixing needed, but likes things to unfold a little more gradually and at the right time where you are "marriage?" ok, here's the spreadsheet for the next year on how to get there... He is not incapable of commitment - he is the type of guy (not a bad type) who would surrpise you when you least expected it when it felt right to him - whereas you would have researched all types of diamonds and where the best place to go to buy one was and would have laid down a brochure. Yes, very practical, but the go with the flow when it feels right is him.

    You don't have to change your goal-orientedness, but maybe read up about healthy boundaries and codependency. You have to learn to take people for who they are - if a guy is not a guy for you, move on - don't overstep his boundaries to herd him into changing.
    I agree with you, I have a habit of over “helping”. Before the favor is asked of me I will offer the solution. Many of my friends know me as the “go-to” when they need advice or help. That’s not to say I get taken advantage of bc I have no problem speaking up for myself when I feel something isn’t right. I do love him very much so, is there any way to make this right with him?

  4. #24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,853
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    Honestly I felt for the most part that we complimented each other - I was the take charge level headed person during problems which worked for him as he gets very flustered and freezes up during unexpected life issues. I would be the one he would call “I have this problem and I don’t know what to do”. He was the calm go with the flow vibe that helped me stop and smell the roses. Many friends of ours said we worked as a great team.

    At some point, you need to trust that people are capable of handling their problems. Sometimes when someone freezes, they don't need someone to play mommy to come fix it -- they need to step back amount and take a breath. "I am confident you will decide what's best" if its not something having to do with the relationship. Sometimes people need to switch things up to think. "that sounds really frustrating. want to go take a walk with me to find seashells/hop on our bikes?" or simply just listening. DOn't mistake "quiet" for being frozen. And don't throw someone on someone's lap out of the blue and expect them to have an answer

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,853
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    I agree with you, I have a habit of over “helping”. Before the favor is asked of me I will offer the solution. Many of my friends know me as the “go-to” when they need advice or help. That’s not to say I get taken advantage of bc I have no problem speaking up for myself when I feel something isn’t right. I do love him very much so, is there any way to make this right with him?
    I have a friend who calls me "Lucy" because of Lucy's "doctor is in" sign in the Peanuts Cartoons. its fine to have a girlfriend who vents with you, who hashes things out /thinks aloud with you, but overhelping a boyfriend only makes him feel smothered. (and i don't "help" her, i am only a sounding board)

    I would absolutely leave him alone. He tried to reach out and have a lighter conversation with you, and you jumped down his throat for not calling to dissect the relationships. I mean, he can't win. Who calls someone and says "i am ready to talk about the relationship". No, they usually talk about something else to break the ice. He started talking about what happened between the breakup and now. It could have lead to him saying "and that's when i realized that i missed you..." or it could have been something else and he realized why he made the right decision, but he had no chance. its called breaking the ice or testing the waters. He tried to test the waters to see if you were receptive and you bit his head off.

    So in that way, i don't think you can make it up to him. He can't even initiate a conversation without you deciding he is not doing it right.

    I think its best a time for reflection.

    Maybe you will find a guy living in mom's basement who needs a woman to think he is a diamond in the rough and needs someone to completely manage his life. Maybe you will find a guy who your respect because of his motivation in life, but you will knock heads. But either way, if you go down the path to change, while still acknowledging what won't change about you, you will be better off and might be able to have a more balanced relationship -- to have the wisdom to know how to let people do things for themselves and in their time. Don't expect them to be any less than themselves and you have to be okay with that.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,564
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    Honestly I felt for the most part that we complimented each other - I was the take charge level headed person during problems which worked for him as he gets very flustered and freezes up during unexpected life issues. I would be the one he would call “I have this problem and I don’t know what to do”. He was the calm go with the flow vibe that helped me stop and smell the roses. Many friends of ours said we worked as a great team.

    I find our communication styles to be what drove us off the edge. I’m not afraid of any confrontation while he loathes it and shuts down so when you pin us as opponents I always looked like the aggressor. He would always say “how come I never have an issue with anything you do” to which I would say I’m not sure that’s entirely a good thing! honestly in 4 years he got mad at me ONCE, I honestly don’t even see how that’s possible! So in that sense It’s very interesting you say he was afraid of me bc I don’t even think he allowed himself to be bothered for fear of conflict.

    at one point during the breakup he started saying how he just didn’t think we got along and that ruffled my feathers quite a bit because I feel like when you drill down you can identify who has what issue they need to work on in order to make it work IF you really love each other. For example- he needs to work on speaking up and I need to work on not steamrolling somebody assuming they are ok with the decisions I’m making. Saying we just don’t get along when you’ve already discussed marriage and children is a very “easy” way out in my opinion so nobody has to work on their flaws. Nobody cheated, abused, or did anything past the point of no return here, maybe he just doesn’t love me enough to work this out and finds it easier to move on.
    I hear you, I do.

    I also want to say: it really, really doesn't have to be this hard. The way you're writing about it? Well, if you were writing about a car—i.e. a thing you want to be fun and reliable for a long trip, which is sort of what we want from partnership—you'd be writing about one that needed constant tuning up, at more and more frequent intervals, to the point where a jaunt for groceries becomes a dice roll. Which is to say: a car that does not do the thing it is meant to do, because the engine keeps falling apart with daily use. Tinkering with a motor, while a fun hobby for some, is a very different thing than traveling. And people? They generally do not like being seen as projects by other people.

    For what it's worth: I don't think of love as a currency, as something that can, or should, be measured through gulag-like labor. All this talk about how "IF" you love someone, then you will drill down and work? That maybe he doesn't love you "enough" to make it work? That's all transactional, a cycle of punishment and reward that can grind the strongest of gears down to dust. Can't love just be love, a powerful, mysterious thing that is all the more powerful because it's not predicated on anything but acceptance? What about the idea that IF you love someone then they don't need to do a single thing but be themselves, alongside you going about the business of being yourself?

    Something to think about, or not, as you see fit.

    I get your frustrations, don't get me wrong. I also, I think, get his as well. Yes, I'm here in the bleacher seats, without a dog in the fight, but I do think it's worth reflecting on the degree to which you are validating certain feelings—pain, frustration, disconnect—as being reflective of something that is worth holding onto, rather than something to let go of, trusting that something that authentically works does not require this level of, well, work.

  8. #27
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    42
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I have a friend who calls me "Lucy" because of Lucy's "doctor is in" sign in the Peanuts Cartoons. its fine to have a girlfriend who vents with you, who hashes things out /thinks aloud with you, but overhelping a boyfriend only makes him feel smothered. (and i don't "help" her, i am only a sounding board)

    I would absolutely leave him alone. He tried to reach out and have a lighter conversation with you, and you jumped down his throat for not calling to dissect the relationships. I mean, he can't win. Who calls someone and says "i am ready to talk about the relationship". No, they usually talk about something else to break the ice. He started talking about what happened between the breakup and now. It could have lead to him saying "and that's when i realized that i missed you..." or it could have been something else and he realized why he made the right decision, but he had no chance. its called breaking the ice or testing the waters. He tried to test the waters to see if you were receptive and you bit his head off.

    So in that way, i don't think you can make it up to him. He can't even initiate a conversation without you deciding he is not doing it right.

    I think its best a time for reflection.

    Maybe you will find a guy living in mom's basement who needs a woman to think he is a diamond in the rough and needs someone to completely manage his life. Maybe you will find a guy who your respect because of his motivation in life, but you will knock heads. But either way, if you go down the path to change, while still acknowledging what won't change about you, you will be better off and might be able to have a more balanced relationship -- to have the wisdom to know how to let people do things for themselves and in their time. Don't expect them to be any less than themselves and you have to be okay with that.
    I completely agree when he replied to me I should NOT have brought up the breakup bc it made me look like I was shoving down his throat what *I* wanted to talk about. I regret that completely but it’s been a long time coming where I’ve been waiting to talk with him about what happened so I completely got ahead of myself. If he should ever reach out again I already plan to let him steer the conversation and we’ll see what happens. I’m the kind of person who beats themselves up when they make a mistake so trust me I do not take this lightly. I appreciate your feedback on what I may have done to contribute to this situation. But trust me he is not without his own flaws, he flat out told me he has not been dealing with his emotions on the breakup and that he knows its unhealthy to just drown himself in work. This is where I get frustrated and impatient and start to demand bc lord knows if he ever will deal with it by his own accord. But I understand just because I cope differently doesn’t make me “right”. Part of love is accepting others for whom they are. I need to work on that.

  9. #28
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    42
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    At some point, you need to trust that people are capable of handling their problems. Sometimes when someone freezes, they don't need someone to play mommy to come fix it -- they need to step back amount and take a breath. "I am confident you will decide what's best" if its not something having to do with the relationship. Sometimes people need to switch things up to think. "that sounds really frustrating. want to go take a walk with me to find seashells/hop on our bikes?" or simply just listening. DOn't mistake "quiet" for being frozen. And don't throw someone on someone's lap out of the blue and expect them to have an answer
    You’re right, I think I might have “mommied” to the point where he felt emasculated by me.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,853
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    I completely agree when he replied to me I should NOT have brought up the breakup bc it made me look like I was shoving down his throat what *I* wanted to talk about. I regret that completely but it’s been a long time coming where I’ve been waiting to talk with him about what happened so I completely got ahead of myself. If he should ever reach out again I already plan to let him steer the conversation and we’ll see what happens. I’m the kind of person who beats themselves up when they make a mistake so trust me I do not take this lightly. I appreciate your feedback on what I may have done to contribute to this situation. But trust me he is not without his own flaws, he flat out told me he has not been dealing with his emotions on the breakup and that he knows its unhealthy to just drown himself in work. This is where I get frustrated and impatient and start to demand bc lord knows if he ever will deal with it by his own accord. But I understand just because I cope differently doesn’t make me “right”. Part of love is accepting others for whom they are. I need to work on that.
    he was dealing with them. Some people deal with them by beating up a pillow, burying themselves in their routine for a little bit - anything aside from dissecting their emotions with tweezers. If i sat and ruminated on a my feelings, that's a fast track to wallowing, isolating myself, etc. If i keep one foot in front of the other, i am definitely "feeling" my feelings but i am not allowing myself to curl up in a fetal position.

    That is NOT a flaw. its just different than you. A flaw could be someone's addictive nature, their compulsive lying, etc, but dealing with their emotions in a different manner than you do is not a flaw.

    I had an ex who treated my differences as "defects".

  11. #30
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    42
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    he was dealing with them. Some people deal with them by beating up a pillow, burying themselves in their routine for a little bit - anything aside from dissecting their emotions with tweezers. If i sat and ruminated on a my feelings, that's a fast track to wallowing, isolating myself, etc. If i keep one foot in front of the other, i am definitely "feeling" my feelings but i am not allowing myself to curl up in a fetal position.

    That is NOT a flaw. its just different than you. A flaw could be someone's addictive nature, their compulsive lying, etc, but dealing with their emotions in a different manner than you do is not a flaw.

    I had an ex who treated my differences as "defects".
    Respectfully disagree, he flat out told me it wasn’t healthy the way he was coping and I agree with him. That was the first time he ever admitted anything like that to me. It’s not good to surpress your emotions to the point where you have not dealt with your feelings about the situation MONTHS later? (Again going by what he said). Either way I’m not going to say anything about anything bc it’s not my place and part of love is acceptance. I’m only sorry I won’t get a chance to show him. Thank you for all the feedback it’s been helpful

Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Videos


Why People Lie On Online Dating Services?

Relationships During Quarantine

Cheating Husbands Are at Risk of a Heart Attack

Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •