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Thread: Anyone have an ex who runs away from conversation and is very indecisive?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This relationship sounds incredibly frustrating. Thanks for the responses above. I think I have a glimpse into what you've been having to deal with. Both of you don't want the same thing. He did tell you he didn't want to settle down so kudos to him and if getting married etc is what you want soon, this isn't the right place for you. Good for you for leaving.

  2. #12
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    This relationship sounds incredibly frustrating. Thanks for the responses above. I think I have a glimpse into what you've been having to deal with. Both of you don't want the same thing. He did tell you he didn't want to settle down so kudos to him and if getting married etc is what you want soon, this isn't the right place for you. Good for you for leaving.
    It was VERY frustrating and this is only a snap shot, I’ve always been a very decisive person clear on my goals and he is the opposite. He tends to go any way the wind blows and HATES conflict. This is where my strengths are his weakness and vice versa. My strengths helped him achieve MANY of his goals he would most likely not have pursued without my support. In the end it’s like he began to resent me for it fighting me on every little thing and I got resentful as well as I was giving and giving not getting what I want in return. Thank you for being one of the few to ask questions to better understand along with offering a quality response.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What precipitated the break up? Was there talk about moving in, marriage or family? Seems like someone who was just coasting along. No matter who it is, never mother, smother, coach, or try to fix or change anyone. This is over-investing.

    You seem to have dodged a bullet, since you want to settle down and he wants casual. The breakup is the closure so continuing to confront, rehash and do postmortems is pointless. All it does is prolong your pain and waste your time on someone not worth it.

    Being this confrontational rarely gets results... except a lot of push back. So while you may be talking about styles, it's really a matter of being incompatible and finally forcing this hand so it ends.
    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    He initiated the breakup citing he felt we wanted different things him wanting a lighter more easy going relationship, me pushing to settle down - this is after almost 4 years together

    he doesn’t want to “Get my hopes up”

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    What do you see as the reason? It is not so clear cut to me
    "he felt we wanted different things (him wanting a lighter more easy going relationship, me pushing to settle down - this is after almost 4 years together and we are in our late 30’s!)"

    Don't waste anymore precious time with this guy. he does not see a future with you. You are also not compatible.

    I know this is hard, but this is not the guy for you.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    It was VERY frustrating and this is only a snap shot, I’ve always been a very decisive person clear on my goals and he is the opposite. He tends to go any way the wind blows and HATES conflict. This is where my strengths are his weakness and vice versa. My strengths helped him achieve MANY of his goals he would most likely not have pursued without my support. In the end it’s like he began to resent me for it fighting me on every little thing and I got resentful as well as I was giving and giving not getting what I want in return. Thank you for being one of the few to ask questions to better understand along with offering a quality response.
    That's a very common problem for go-getters! I agree with the others or anyone else who has mentioned incompatibility, ie. Holly's post above. Keep up the good work and keep working on your goals. We may not always understand why others take a different approach or why they are indecisive. The most decisive people may also have moments of indecision. Do you feel like his indecisiveness or mixed messages especially when telling you to take your things and then backpeddling bothers you because it causes you to also be indecisive? It's ok to be annoyed with yourself. If that's the case, maybe the best thing you can do for you is make your own decision about the relationship - don't depend on his thoughts or ideas or his input anymore.

  7. #16
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. What precipitated the break up? Was there talk about moving in, marriage or family? Seems like someone who was just coasting along. No matter who it is, never mother, smother, coach, or try to fix or change anyone. This is over-investing.

    You seem to have dodged a bullet, since you want to settle down and he wants casual. The breakup is the closure so continuing to confront, rehash and do postmortems is pointless. All it does is prolong your pain and waste your time on someone not worth it.

    Being this confrontational rarely gets results... except a lot of push back. So while you may be talking about styles, it's really a matter of being incompatible and finally forcing this hand so it ends.
    Yes he was the one to initiate many conversations about marriage and asked me to move in! I had about half my things moved into his place when we realized we needed a bigger apartment to accommodate both of us upon which we agreed to begin apartment hunting. Again as I am a take charge person I began apartment hunting right away making various appointments for us to see so we could have a new place before his lease was up to avoid him losing his security deposit by renewing his lease only to break it a short while later. After a few appointments I started getting a lot of pushback from him that he was getting overwhelmed and wanted me to takeover the apartment hunting on my own and I was like what the hell is going on you ask me to move in (brings us closer) but then want me to take over selecting where we are going to live by myself when this is very much a partnership decision? He then accused me of wanting to put the lease in my name so that I would be able to kick him out whenever I wanted if he didn’t conform to my “rules”. (He is VERY sensitive to feeling ‘pressured’ and ‘controlled’) meanwhile I’m the type of chill gf that doesn’t think twice when you and your buds hit the strip club for a bachelor party but I DO expect you to prioritize me accordingly) Then he went and renewed his lease behind my back and told me “maybe we should wait another year this is too much right now”. There was a lot of initiating steps forward BY HIM followed by backpedaling and people wonder why I’m so confused. I admit I could have been more sensitive to his insecurities with moving forward and opened up discussion to what his concerns were but at the time I was getting angry and frustrated and did not handle it well. For this I hold a lot of guilt as in the end I feel he viewed me as some type A controlling witch which is why he’s walking away so easily thinking HE’S the one who dodged a bullet. It’s driving me crazy.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like he was saying 'yes dear' to everything, but did not have the courage to tell you he was not on board with things.
    Originally Posted by NightFairy12
    I am a take charge person
    He is VERY sensitive to feeling ‘pressured’ and ‘controlled’

  9. #18
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    "I admit I could have been more sensitive to his insecurities with moving forward." Why? Stop excusing!

    He asked you to move in and discussed marriage. This is the natural progression. He then throws the hunt on you, renews the lease behind your back, this is not right. You need to see this for it was. He was never ready, and realized it was a mistake when reality kicked in. You need to start to be honest with yourself!

  10. #19
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like he was saying 'yes dear' to everything, but did not have the courage to tell you he was not on board with things.
    I agree and once I realized this I tried several times to open the table for discussion but he just ran away refusing to look back. I even said listen do not be afraid of “hurting my feelings” it’s important you tell me how you feel and are honest. It’s just hurtful someone would rather run away from you than muster the strength to try and talk things out. If we needed to slow down we could have but I’m not a mind reader and that’s where it’s not fair. I guess I’ve done all I can at this point.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm wondering: Along with all the intense feelings and confusion, is there any part of you that views all this as a story of two people who just don't mesh very well? Not your fault, not his, but just is?

    I know it's more complicated than that—it always is, with feelings, with history, with hopes—but from where I'm sitting, as a pixilated advocate for your health and happiness, it's very hard to see it any other way. Kind of seems like a guy who was fun to date, but who came up short, far short, of what you want and need from a partner. Could seeing it all like that, bitter pill it is to swallow, maybe be the "win" here that soothes your direct, achievement-oriented nature?

    Thought experiment: Remove yourself from the equation of his life, and do you genuinely respect the way he goes about the business of living? Do you genuinely see him as a human being you can be yourself, harmoniously, alongside? Might be questions worth reflecting on, with the answers you give yourself providing more clarity than whatever you've gotten, or are trying to get, from him.

    The impression I get is that he is scared of you, while you are annoyed at him—a low-simmering constant that came to an unceremonious boil six months ago. Were he more direct and less passive-aggressive, perhaps he would be able to express this to you. But that would require him to be a completely different person, and it's that person, I think, that you'd be much happier with—someone who carries himself in the world in a way you respect and relate to.

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