HELP Is it acceptable to ask partner to stay elsewhere during packing/move out?

Soon I will be ending a 5-year relationship… we live together, and I don’t know what’s the best way to go about it. First time I’m doing this.

I will offer to move out of our shared flat, and I am almost certain that she will accept this arrangement (although I will give her the option to move out herself, if that’s what she prefers).

Problem #1 is that we live in a tiny, tiny studio – no practical way to give each other space following “the breakup talk” and with COVID around, no reasonable alternative to create space either (not even a coffee shop or library)

I am the type of a person who needs a lot of peace and quiet when packing, even for a 2-week vacation. Moving out will obviously be a lot more complicated packing project than that. I don’t see how I can accomplish anything with her around, with both of us emotional and her possibly furious.

Given this dilemma, I was wondering if it would be acceptable to ask my partner to either stay with someone from work or move into a nearby Airbnb apartment for two days (weekend). I think I can pack my stuff and move out in less than 48h.

If she refuses, I could still move to this Airbnb apartment myself – however, that doesn’t solve the packing problem.

Also there’s Problem #2, concern for my property. Over the years she made many threats regarding my possessions. While I would like to believe she would never act on these threats, I cannot exactly rule it out 100%. So, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I am actually slightly concerned about my stuff (electronics, books, sentimental items, clothes, etc). I don’t want to find them gone/damaged when I return to pack... and I can't gather everything valuable quickly either.

What to do?

[EDIT] Worth noting, we both work from home. So, neither one of us is out much during the day.

During a pandemic I don’t think it’s right to ask her to leave a safe space. You might just have to suck up your need for space and pack your stuff with her there.

During a pandemic I don’t think it’s right to ask her to leave a safe space. You might just have to suck up your need for space and pack your stuff with her there.

Ok I see your point, but would a completely private, luxury apartment located 5 min walk from our flat not count as safe?

I wouldn't be asking her to stay at a motel or take a public bus across town.

Ok I see your point, but would a completely private, luxury apartment located 5 min walk from our flat not count as safe?

 

I wouldn't be asking her to stay at a motel or take a public bus across town.

No that is not safe you don’t know who stayed in it.

Ok, I acknowledge your health-related concerns.

However, what I would like people's opinion on is if this is acceptable in general (not in relation to current events).

Also, regarding COVID, please keep in mind that the situation in your country/region may be drastically different from what we are experiencing here.

Normal circumstances yes ; I would ask her to leave or you do. However, it is not normal times.

I am Canadian, in Ontario, and we are only in first phase of opening. In our provincial population of about 14 million we are still having about 340 new cases a day, mostly in the south of the province which is highly populated, containing our country‘s largest city.

I think you can overcome your packing anxiety for a couple of days. If you are concerned about your belongings at least you'll be there to keep an eye on them while you pack.

If she threatens to damage your property remind her that would be a crime and the police would have to be involved.

And I'm not unsympathetic about anxiety, as my journal illustrates. But sometimes we just have to power through. I have to whether I want to or not.

Normal circumstances yes ; I would ask her to leave or you do. However, it is not normal times.

 

I am Canadian, in Ontario, and we are only in first phase of opening. In our provincial population of about 14 million we are still having about 340 new cases a day, mostly in the south of the province which is highly populated, containing our country‘s largest city.

Right. So by comparison, I'm in one of the least affected developed countries, and inside that country, one of the least affected provinces. Which, means there are less cases here in total, than you have daily (according to your number).

We still take it seriously, and follow protocol, although I feel like we do it mostly out of solidarity with more affected regions (one rulebook for all) rather than due to any serious threat. Nationally, everything is slowly opening up, hotels (& airbnb) have already been in operation for quite some time.

So, not normal times indeed. But, not the same everywhere. Sorry for the off-topic.

PS. Just looked it up, seems like Ontario got hit heavily by this, and I am very sorry to hear that. I have some friends in the US, and I am very worried about their well being.

Is it possible for you to put on headphones for example? Music works wonders and can get you in the mood for packing without being distracted or feeling too nervous about her moving around on the other side of the studio - it also minimizes any unnecessary conversations or small talk. You mentioned needing not just peace but also quiet. Are you able to make an exception and listen perhaps to calming music?

It may be less headache overall if you hunkered down and packed /stay focused and make your own way.

I wouldn't ask her to move out temporarily and disrupt her every day routine just because you need a specific environment to conduct your own business. If she offers, that's fine. Do you have another apartment already?

Right. So by comparison, I'm in one of the least affected developed countries, and inside that country, one of the least affected provinces. Which, means there are less cases here in total, than you have daily (according to your number).

 

We still take it seriously, and follow protocol, although I feel like we do it mostly out of solidarity with more affected regions (one rulebook for all) rather than due to any serious threat. Nationally, everything is slowly opening up, hotels (& airbnb) have already been in operation for quite some time.

 

So, not normal times indeed. But, not the same everywhere. Sorry for the off-topic.

 

PS. Just looked it up, seems like Ontario got hit heavily by this, and I am very sorry to hear that. I have some friends in the US, and I am very worried about their well being.

Stands to reason as Quebec and Ontario have the greatest majority of the country’s population.

That's true, where I'm moving is reporting the greatest number of cases, but it's also almost the only area that is being grouped together. The rest of the county is being divided up by neighborhood, which isn't super accurate because those neighborhoods are not separate cities. Plus, the population of the city I'm moving to is much greater than most surrounding areas. More people, more cases.

I think, OP, if you can just tolerate it while you pack it would be much less stressful than trying to 1)break up and then 2)ask her to leave while you pack.

Is it possible for you to put on headphones for example? Music works wonders and can get you in the mood for packing without being distracted or feeling too nervous about her moving around on the other side of the studio - it also minimizes any unnecessary conversations or small talk.

Studio is really tiny, so there really is no “other side” to speak of. We will be in each other’s way the whole time. Not really anything we can do about that.

Putting on headphones is I guess the best I will have, but I don’t really see it helping if she’s crying or visibly distraught and/or wanting to talk to me more.

If I have no other option, I will deal with it, what else can I do? But I don’t see it ending in anything other than two days of both emotional and organizational mess.

Do you have another apartment already?

I’m thinking of taking this apartment I’ve mentioned above for the move-out weekend. Afterwards, I’m going to stay with family for a week or two and figure out what’s next. I have some ideas, but one step at a time.

Best of luck in how things go.

OK I have an idea. Start packing some random stuff, but tell her you are just clearing out things for something to do. Tell her you saw it on the net that cleaning out your closets, etc is therapeutic for boredom. Say your cousin or whomever in your family is interested in going through it and then donating the rest later. This will give you a head start without the stress. Take your boxes (a few at a time) to a storage place or wherever. Then when things start opening up and she goes out to see family and you know she's going to be gone for awhile, clear the rest of your stuff out with the help of a friend. Wait for her to come back, breakup with her and then leave.

It sounds like you've made up your mind to break up and separate (not live together) so the emotional and organizational mess will usually follow to some degree. Unfortunately there's no bypassing that. Break ups are painful and sometimes unpredictable. You're right to feel fear or nervousness but that might also be a real reason for the relationship ending - if you're always fearful or nervous around her. I'd expect the worst and where possible, be kind and give her the time of day with the break up talk. For me, what seals it is when a person says they see no future with me or I with them. Those words are final. You may not feel comfortable saying that if you feel she's hotheaded or unpredictable but eventually even if a few days after you've left or a week later, she needs to know that the relationship is completely over.

I'm a bit worried about you that you feel it may be necessary to take an Airbnb room but that speaks volumes about the trust issues and the high unpredictability maybe of this person. If you feel it's necessary, stay at an Airbnb. If that's the case I wouldn't be too worried about how the stuff goes in the boxes or taking a long time packing. Just dump them in the boxes reasonably protected and with some order but don't bother being a perfectionist about it. Don't forget to label too. If it doesn't fit in a box, carry it out and shove it in your car right there. Just get your things and get out - don't turn it into a project or anything or worry too much about being so organized if you fear your own safety and don't want to be in that apartment.

OK I have an idea. Start packing some random stuff, but tell her you are just clearing out things for something to do. Tell her you saw it on the net that cleaning out your closets, etc is therapeutic for boredom. Say your cousin or whomever in your family is interested in going through it and then donating the rest later. This will give you a head start without the stress. Take your boxes (a few at a time) to a storage place or wherever. Then when things start opening up and she goes out to see family and you know she's going to be gone for awhile, clear the rest of your stuff out with the help of a friend. Wait for her to come back, breakup with her and then leave.

Thanks for the idea. I've been thinking about some variation of this approach, however, ultimately I decided against it. She's going to realize in the end that she was being "duped". I would feel terrible about this if the tables were turned, so I'd rather come clean and do it openly, even if it means some heavy discomfort.

However, I will discretely organize a little bit ahead of time, mostly just planning things out in my head, but it will still help.

You can ask her to stay somewhere else. It never hurts to ask. Who knows, she might even welcome the idea? People’s comfort levels around covid are different - for example I would be more than happy to make space at a hotel or Air bnb for a few days.

However, if she isn’t comfortable with that then you have to dig into your resolve and your maturity reserves and just suck it up man. Even if there wasn’t a pandemic scare going on you couldn’t MAKE her leave if she didn’t want to.

Sorry things are rough right now, breakups are always painful. Hopefully you don’t have to layer any suffering on top of the pain of the split...good luck.

if she isn’t comfortable with that then you have to dig into your resolve and your maturity reserves and just suck it up man. Even if there wasn’t a pandemic scare going on you couldn’t MAKE her leave if she didn’t want to.

Yeah, you're right of course, I wouldn't force it.

I may still suggest it, not sure, but no one is going anywhere against their will.

I'm a bit worried about you that you feel it may be necessary to take an Airbnb room but that speaks volumes about the trust issues and the high unpredictability maybe of this person. If you feel it's necessary, stay at an Airbnb. If that's the case I wouldn't be too worried about how the stuff goes in the boxes or taking a long time packing. Just dump them in the boxes reasonably protected and with some order but don't bother being a perfectionist about it. Don't forget to label too. If it doesn't fit in a box, carry it out and shove it in your car right there. Just get your things and get out - don't turn it into a project or anything or worry too much about being so organized if you fear your own safety and don't want to be in that apartment.

That's a good point. I am indeed a bit of a perfectionist – if the move out is turning out to be very messy/emotional, I need to remind myself to just throw things in some boxes and go.

My honest opinion? And I may get hate for this, but I don't really care: I say wait.

I ended an abusive relationship MONTHS after I initially wanted to leave. I had major surgery and the relationship got worse in terms of the emotional abuse. He even tried to prevent me from going to the hospital after I developed life-threatening complications. I was DONE but I couldn't leave because I was on serious lift restricitons - how was I going to carry my crap out? I couldn't.

I played "nice" for a few months. It was awful but I'm glad I did. I secretly planned my "move" a bit more and gave myself extra time to grieve the inevitable end. When I finally was able to lift heavy things again, I dropped the news like an A-bomb. I left him reeling while I was calm and had my stuff together. I'm glad I took the extra time to keep to myself, play nice, and not actually break up with him until I was ready.

You said that you fear for your possessions. That's a sign of someone abusive. You can't toss her out in COVID times and it may be hard to find a new place right away. So take your time. Disingenuous? Maybe a little but in terms of protecting yourself/your stuff, you do what you have to do.

In general I don't think people should expect someone they are breaking up with to leave their own homes just so that they can pack in peace. The pandemic situation only makes it more unreasonable.

If they offer to leave and give you the space, great. But you posting here seems to suggest that you know she's not the kind of person that would be naturally comfortable with it. You can of course ask if she'd be willing to but be prepared for her saying no while getting even more emotional and upset. I mean it's not exactly fair to ask her to leave while you are afraid of leaving your belongings with her. What if she's also worried that you might mess with her stuff in her absence?

I read your previous posts, and it sounds like you were already feeling a lot of guilt for the breakup. It is understandably uncomfortable, but pretty much all breakups are like that. It is not the most pleasant or convenient thing to go through. Since you're already feeling bad about all of it, you might find some comfort in being kind to your soon-to-be ex and avoiding inconveniencing her too much for your own convenience. Be willing to make some small sacrifices in the process, such as packing in a less optimal environment, facing some awkwardness, and maybe leaving some non-essential belongings behind. It can't be that bad compared to your freedom, a new life without all the drama and hurt. This is not the time for neatness, perfectionism or contemplated moves. Get what's valuable and important to you as quickly as you can and offer to come back later and pick up the rest or leave them at her disposal. If she threatens, screams or otherwise makes it hard to even take your essential belongings, ask a family member or friend to come help you pack. Call the police if needed.

In general I don't think people should expect someone they are breaking up with to leave their own homes just so that they can pack in peace. The pandemic situation only makes it more unreasonable.

 

If they offer to leave and give you the space, great. But you posting here seems to suggest that you know she's not the kind of person that would be naturally comfortable with it. You can of course ask if she'd be willing to but be prepared for her saying no while getting even more emotional and upset. I mean it's not exactly fair to ask her to leave while you are afraid of leaving your belongings with her. What if she's also worried that you might mess with her stuff in her absence?

Sorry, I'm a little bit confused by all this. So in short... are you saying it is acceptable to ask, or it is not acceptable to ask?

To clarify, I would not demand/expect/instruct/convince her to go – I would only ask. And if she doesn't want to, I would likely take up the airbnb myself, that's the plan.

Since you're already feeling bad about all of it, you might find some comfort in being kind to your soon-to-be ex and avoiding inconveniencing her too much for your own convenience.

Thanks for this perspective. In my mind I actually thought I was doing something kind by find a way for us to be out of each other's way. Giving both of us some space to grieve and come to terms with the situation... without the constant presence of the person who just broke up with you being there packing his books or whatever. I thought in a way this would be "easier" on both of us. But maybe not.

If she threatens, screams or otherwise makes it hard to even take your essential belongings, ask a family member or friend to come help you pack. Call the police if needed.

I don't think I could bring myself to involve either my family/friends or the police. I just have to suck it up and deal with it, no matter how bad it gets. I can't really explain why... "losing face" comes to mind.

To clarify, I would not demand/expect/instruct/convince her to go – I would only ask. And if she doesn't want to, I would likely take up the airbnb myself, that's the plan.

That's fair. I personally wouldn't want to leave my place for my newly ex to pack, and I wouldn't ask them to if I'm the one packing. So I think it's not always a reasonable expectation although you can certainly suggest it and see what she thinks. She might be upset though especially if it comes across as you don't want to face her for another second.

In my mind I actually thought I was doing something kind by find a way for us to be out of each other's way. Giving both of us some space to grieve and come to terms with the situation... without the constant presence of the person who just broke up with you being there packing his books or whatever. I thought in a way this would be "easier" on both of us.

Possibly. But again it really depends on what she thinks. She might prefer to be elsewhere, or she might hate the idea. If you are totally okay with either outcome, I'd say ask away. It just sounded like you would strongly prefer her to be away while you pack, so I read it more as a demand than a suggestion.

Based in yiur other posts and her temper, I can see why you want to do this.... it probably is going to be a major poop show. But do really think she will leave?

I think you should get some of your most value things (sentimental things etc) together in secret so that she can't destroy anything that can't be replaced. Even if its slow going in plan sight... a small bag to your car or an excuse to give somethings to a friend or whatever.

At the end of the day, getting out of a bad situation, is the only thing that matters. no matter what it costs you in "things".

Be ready to phone the police and stick to your guns. her tactics will stop when she sees they are not working.

Right. So by comparison, I'm in one of the least affected developed countries, and inside that country, one of the least affected provinces. Which, means there are less cases here in total, than you have daily (according to your number).

 

We still take it seriously, and follow protocol, although I feel like we do it mostly out of solidarity with more affected regions (one rulebook for all) rather than due to any serious threat. Nationally, everything is slowly opening up, hotels (& airbnb) have already been in operation for quite some time.

 

So, not normal times indeed. But, not the same everywhere. Sorry for the off-topic.

 

PS. Just looked it up, seems like Ontario got hit heavily by this, and I am very sorry to hear that. I have some friends in the US, and I am very worried about their well being.