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Do I contact him?


AvaD21

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Hey everyone, hope you’re well.

I have been dating somebody for a few months and things were really good, almost too good, we got strong feelings for each other.

I’ve been through some trauma during that time and suddenly felt the need to push him away and I did this by lying to him about another man.

I then felt terrible and confessed all.

This caused a lot of arguing.

We managed to resolve it and talk through it but I felt like things had come to a bit of a stalemate due to the arguing and I’m sure he did too.

Neither of us wanted to call it off but it was my idea a couple of days ago to have some space.

I told him I felt we just needed to reset and let the dust settle. I left it open ended to sort of say that I’d still like to see him at some point as I was unsure how to really leave it.

He read the messages but did not reply and we haven’t spoken since.

I had the intentions of it just being space from talking all the time & I felt as I initiated the notion of having space, I felt I would have to be the one to contact him first?

But, as he didn’t reply to the messages, I’m wondering whether to just leave this all up to him?

I just feel he is obviously respecting what I said and I don’t really know whether I should contact him in a few days or leave it up to him...

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There are so many things you're doing wrong. For one, why on earth would you message someone about such an important topic instead of in person or at the very least an actual phone call? I don't believe in space. It does nothing to solve problems. Either work on problems together, or realize you don't match and break up. If someone said they needed space from me like I was toxic garbage, I'd tell them to take all the space they need--like forever.

 

You don't sound like you're in the right headspace to be dating right now. If you were, you wouldn't have sabotaged a good thing.

 

If I were him, this would be too much drama to deal with and it would foretell what kind of rocky future I was in for.

 

I'd say leave him alone to date someone who is mentally ready to date.

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Be careful what you wish for. You pushed him away so he went away. Try to be more honest and decisive when dating. Leave him alone.

 

He is not going to trust you and risk all this drama again. Next time make sure you are ready to date and not pining for an ex. Keep in mind people do not want to be the battleground/canvas for your internal struggles.

I’ve been through some trauma during that time and suddenly felt the need to push him away and I did this by lying to him about another man.

He read the messages but did not reply and we haven’t spoken since. he didn’t reply to the messages.

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I think your expectations were too high. I mean really how is a person supposed to deal with being jerked around, from needing, pushing away and the texting something about not talking all time?

 

How would u feel if he did this to you?

 

I wouldn't expect this guy to contact you at all or be so happy to hear from you, when you do decide to contact him.

 

You probably need to forget this guy. Deal with your trauma and when you are ready to date again, be more careful with other people's feelings.

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You asked for space and he gave it to you.

 

Did you expect him to argue, beg or plead?

 

No...I’m unsure you’ve understood what I’m asking, he’s given me space which I feel would benefit us both. I just didn’t know whether to contact him or to wait and see if he wants to contact me once the dust settles

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Wait because you already contacted him and he did not answer. Avoid double messaging. He knows your contact info and read your messages.

I just didn’t know whether to contact him or to wait and see if he wants to contact me once the dust settles
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Well, at least you came clean and confessed soon after, it seems. The details are a bit vague but that's fine. Can you imagine how it might have been if the relationship had carried on and you had kept up an omission or lie? Life happens. We can live and learn.

 

If he doesn't want to be around you, count it as one of your blessings. It's early still and only a few months. Don't let this be a chip on your shoulder. Just learn from the experience and move forwards - try to be honest and upfront at all times and don't take things out on people. Beyond that, don't overthink it. This guy doesn't want to be with you, that's perfectly fine. I wouldn't double message either or message back to back. Just leave it as is. You can give it a week or a few days or a couple of weeks (whatever feels good to you) for a chance for him to respond and then beyond it, don't even give it a second thought if you don't hear from him.

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I don't mean to sound unkind, but I don't think you're truly ready for a relationship, OP.

 

When you push someone away, go so far as to invent a story about another man to give you a "reason", and then ask for space yet again - that's your cue that you indeed to do an emotional inventory of yourself. You need to be asking yourself the hard questions and work on your own stuff before involving another person. It's not conducive to dating.

 

He is getting tired of the push-pull and likely wants someone more reliable. Leave him be, but take this as an opportunity to learn how to better navigate your next relationship.

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Your number 1 big mistake was to lie. You confessed, granted, but I believe you've lost his trust.

 

"He read the messages but did not reply and we haven’t spoken since." You've already messaged him, and he hasn't responded to your messages (plural), Leave the guy alone. If he's still interested, he knows how to find you. Personally, I'd move on and, hopefully, you learned a good lesson (don't lie!).

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He's the victim. It doesn't matter if space would have benefited you. He's the victim not you. Strong feelings are irrelevant because your actions were selfish and thoughtless and hurtful. I was the victim in a similar situation - we'd been dating a few months. He reached out -too little too late -a few days later. I didn't respond. Which was my prerogative. And it's his, too. Move on and think about making different choices in how you treat another human being whether your boyfriend or a complete stranger.

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Honestly the worst thing you can do after lying is to push someone away like THEY did something wrong. I would write him an apology letting him know you realized how wrong it was to lie and then to push him away probably hurt him even more and that you would like to meet and discuss this in person or move forward from it as you really were enjoying his company and hope you can at least build on something in a friend capacity to start.

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