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Any thoughts on this?


PaulZS

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So I met some and we really hit it off, pretty fast connection that was a strong connection.

 

This went well for a few years , she gave thought to marrying me and stuff, and then she tired of some of the ways I was behaving (I have anxiety which adds to this) and at that things got called off and we barely talked at all or were barely around each other for about four years.

 

I had been gone for over an entire year too and when I got back we actually picked up right way and over the next year and a half we actually were getting along better than we ever have, and she gave thought to marrying me again.

 

However, my anxiety started acting up and I acted poorly, a bit clingy and so forth. ( She also thought I had OCD instead of just anxiety, so that contributed.)

She was overwhelmed and it drove her away. We actually haven’t spoken for the past five years, but have a lot of mutual friends.

 

Since I’ve gotten a handle of my anxiety and have learned a lot about relating to people, such as I wouldn’t be clingy and would be casual and relaxed about everything.

 

Is it completely unrealistic that I might be able to tell her how my life is doing much better one day?

 

 

Also, just last night I had a dream where a group of friends of mine and I were at a mall and I told one of my closest friends I still have feelings for this Woman, which really surprised me.

What might a dream like that mean?

 

 

Thank you.

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It's common to dream of people we used to know or places we have been to or once lived in. They're all long term memories. It sounds like you had a serious relationship with this person and that person held a special place in your life at one time.

 

I'd see whether it's appropriate touching base with her after five years. If she's moved on, married, with kids or has relocated it might not be a good idea. It's good that you are reflecting on yourself and growing forwards. Keep doing that and introducing new hobbies and new company in your life.

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Thank you, and that is good advice.

 

If she is single and open to the idea of touching base, on her terms of course, then it might be appropriate?

 

 

Thanks again.

 

It's common to dream of people we used to know or places we have been to or once lived in. They're all long term memories. It sounds like you had a serious relationship with this person and that person held a special place in your life at one time.

 

I'd see whether it's appropriate touching base with her after five years. If she's moved on, married, with kids or has relocated it might not be a good idea. It's good that you are reflecting on yourself and growing forwards. Keep doing that and introducing new hobbies and new company in your life.

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Thank you, and that is good advice.

 

If she is single and open to the idea of touching base, on her terms of course, then it might be appropriate?

 

 

Thanks again.

 

It seems obvious you want to reach out. You won’t know if she’s open to the idea of “touching base” unless you touch base. And yes, if she’s not single that would be very selfish and disrespectful. But if she’s single then why not? The worst that can happen is she’ll tell you to pound sand.

 

It sounds to me like there is possibly a deep abiding love though. She might want to reconnect?

 

Hard to predict but you never know unless you try.

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The timelines are a blur to me too.

 

Can you please give dates of when you met and how, how long together?

When did you split? When did you get back together and when you split again?

 

When did you start seeing a counsellor?

And are you still?

 

Have you dated others in the meantime? Has she?

 

When you say you have mutual friends , how come you haven’t seen her in years?

 

The dream means nothing.

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Thanks. Since it has been asked, originally it went from 2003-2007, then from late 2007-2009 we didn’t really see each other or speak much at all and around summer 2009 she started saying hi to me again at least.

 

Late summer 2010 we made peace and then I was gone doing various school and work things until September 2011 at which point I came back and as I said we actually became closer than we ever had before until 2015, at which point I unfortunately acted a bit clingy and anxious as I described.

 

We both went no contact at that point.

 

To give a little background, I had only dated very casually before, just coffee dates and such and the thought of dating actually made me a little nervous and she actually had no dating experience and had nerves about it too.

 

People did kind of root for us and say we were good for each other, they said that especially the 2011-2015 period was good for us.

 

I have not dated anyone since 2015, not sure about her, I have met some nice and attractive people but I haven’t so much as asked anyone to coffee or a phone number. My main focus has been on bettering, improving myself , and living my life to its fullest.

 

For seeing a Counselor about anxiety, I did that in 2004 and 2005 and I started again this year.

 

If I am curious if she is single, is it best if I find out that out from her or could one of the mutual friends tell me?

 

 

Also I actually hadn’t thought about her much from 2015 until just about a week ago where, as I mentioned, I thought it might be nice to at least touch base, if that is something she would be open to doing, and tell her about the progress I’ve made, how well I’ve been doing.

 

Thanks.

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You could friend her on some social media just to see where she is at in her life. Perhaps start a friendly "catch up" chat. But Do Not dive into your therapy, self improvement, dating history or that you want her back. Keep in mind the obsession with anxiety is why it ended.

 

Great you are getting help for the anxiety, however to cover all your bases see a doctor MD for a complete evaluation. Your self improvement journey is for therapists, close friends, family, journalling, support groups etc. Not exes or dates.

If I am curious if she is single, is it best if I find out that out from her or could one of the mutual friends tell me?

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No. you broke up twice. I get that you say you have gotten a handle on things, but you also have not had a close relationship to possibly trigger situations where you might be anxious in awhile. So that "handle" may mean you just have not had a flare up vs developed new ways to cope/recognize/manage it. Have you sought professional help? Also, even if you had changed IF you did reconnect, she would not give herself fully because she can't trust that you have indeed grown. I have ADD. No matter what, i can't not have it. Sure, i understand it better and don't beat myself up about it/work in a manner that is conducive to it, but i cannot become a person that doesn't have it. Its not something that can be "cured". SHe has learned that she can be with you at times, but she cannot deal with you at other times, so marriage /being together 24-7 will not work with her

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It'd be like starting over with someone new. If you're trying to come back into her life or trying to remember the person she used to be from 2003-2007 I don't recommend it. Don't bring any assumptions from the past into new interactions. If others aren't willing to do that with you after you feel you've grown, spend your time elsewhere. People change and there's been a large gap in time. What she is now or not would be assumptions without trying to get to know her again and vice versa if she does the same for you. You both lost touch for quite awhile.

 

I wouldn't ask anyone or get anyone to do your sleuthing for you on the personal details of her life. That kind of stuff might not sit right with some people. If you're that interested this shouldn't be too complicated. Just ask her how she's doing on social media and if she'd like to go for a coffee. If she says no or avoids going out with you, you have your answer. Don't press for reasons why or go into long explanations trying to reconnect. Take it as your cue to move on if she doesn't want to sit down for coffee or reconnect at the very least. You'll be able to read her vibes in person. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions right now.

 

If you're worried about what she thinks about you after all this time, don't. People are entitled to think or feel whatever they want. Sometimes it's way off and sometimes you may find others will assume things about you or aren't willing to work with you or speak with you. That's ok. Move on. Keep being you and keep going with your own career and personal goals (you mentioned school related things you were focusing on).

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I guess some of my thoughts were that I think she somehow thought I had OCD, so I thought maybe I could clear the air and say I have anxiety instead.

 

I guess I should specify that I’ve only been diagnosed with social anxiety, which I’m actually glad about because it gives me a lot of context and clarity on things.

 

 

Also this may be important details: during the 2003-2015 period we lived like eight blocks away from each other and during the period we started no contact in 2015 I moved to another state to help some family. Since we were on no contact I didn’t tell her that I moved. (I have other family now living in the previous home and I visit often.) But my situation is flexible, as I’m also thinking of studying, working in a Europe for a year or two.

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I wouldn't discuss any personal details about your mental health with her. Time has passed. Don't feel bad about misunderstandings of the past and try not to disclose too much personal nitty gritty. Save those details for those closest in your circle of friends and family you trust. Like I said, treat this person as a brand new person and a stranger. You both lost touch for quite awhile. I wouldn't assume to think she's interested in any personal details.

 

That's good you're flexible but I'd try hard not to get side-tracked. It sounds like you're in a good place. Travel is still somewhat of a no-no even between inter-cities and states. Keep up the good momentum you have with your plans to study or work abroad but I wouldn't count on it for 2020 considering travel bans and restrictions and financial strain in many industries. It's still good to have that long term goal. Treat her like a stranger. You don't know her and a lot of time has passed. Keep things lighthearted if you meet for coffee or meet in person and please stay safe.

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We have these dreams to work out our anxieties, so we are thoughts the next day are not clouded up with this crap. The good thing is, you have worked out your personal issues, but this most likely won't buy you back into her heart. It's been awhile, she has probably moved on and no longer has thoughts or feelings for you. If she did she would have reached out.

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I don't know, OP. If you've heard nothing from her for 5 years, I think she has likely long moved on.

 

As Wiseman suggested above, you could try adding her on social media to re-acquaint yourself and see where's she at in life. But do not lead with questions about her relationship status or details about your mental health. You two aren't friends anymore, so that would be too much too soon. You could drop a line to say hello and see how she's been doing. Wait and see what sort of response you get first.

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Thanks, this is all good insights.

 

Another thing I guess I can add is that one of my best friends is married to one of her very best friends and when I was talking to my friend last year he mentioned very briefly in passing that she still was feeling a bit hurt, weary.

 

I suppose that is partially some of the reason I thought it might be nice to touch base now, of course if she is open to the idea, so she knows I’ve had some growth since then and continue to do.

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Eh.. not too keen on the reasoning there. It makes a couple of big assumptions - that your friend last year came to an accurate/somewhat psychic evaluation of her (and you're basing your thoughts on hearsay or gossip) and second, that she in any way, shape or form is still feeling that way a year later. Those are some pretty big gaps.

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So it was 15 years ago you went to therapy. And now this year you've felt the need to go again, which would mean you've just been going a few months? If I were here, I wouldn't have a lot of confidence that you're ready just knowing this info plus the fact you haven't dated anyone to see if your relationship anxiety issues have dissipated.

 

People often look to the past for happiness when their present isn't happy. It's usually the last place you should look, as the track record isn't good. If she accepted dates from you, would you like being looked at like you're under a microscope, waiting to see the results, either good or bad?

 

She is familiar territory and new people are scarier. If it were me, though, I'd rather risk my heart on someone new who doesn't have preconceived notions about me.I wish you luck in finding a great lifetime companion.

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Eh.. not too keen on the reasoning there. It makes a couple of big assumptions - that your friend last year came to an accurate/somewhat psychic evaluation of her (and you're basing your thoughts on hearsay or gossip) and second, that she in any way, shape or form is still feeling that way a year later. Those are some pretty big gaps.

 

 

Right, but he is definitely a very straightforward, honest type who doesn’t gossip and he has mentioned before that he talked to her about me.

 

I didn’t pry or say anything further about it in either case.

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As far as therapy I got diagnosed with social anxiety in 2004 so I saw a Counselor for awhile and then thought I could try to see how I could deal with it.

 

And then this year a work related thing has the people there meet with a Psychologist (everybody meets with the Psychologist they didn’t single me out or anything) so I took the personality tests and talked with him. He was actually impressed with my results and, being curious, I asked him if I could be diagnosed with anything and he said social anxiety. So that is what has led me to seeing a Counselor again, I had resolve to help myself be at my happiest and live life to its fullest.

 

Again , knowing all of this has actually provided tremendous clarity.

 

Also I’d say I’ve had Internal anxiety (feeling stress and such) and External anxiety (nervous in situations like job interviews, job/school presentations, situations where I would have to put myself out there, so especially with dating and so forth)

 

Internal anxiety , thanks largely to my friends, I’ve almost completely gotten over , I have a huge sense of contentment and peace inwardly.

 

External Anxiety, and it occurring in those situations for me, is definitely still really there though.

 

 

So it was 15 years ago you went to therapy. And now this year you've felt the need to go again, which would mean you've just been going a few months? If I were here, I wouldn't have a lot of confidence that you're ready just knowing this info plus the fact you haven't dated anyone to see if your relationship anxiety issues have dissipated.

 

People often look to the past for

 

 

 

 

 

happiness when their present isn't happy. It's usually the last place you should look, as the track record isn't good. If she accepted dates from you, would you like being looked at like you're under a microscope, waiting to see the results, either good or bad?

 

She is familiar territory and new people are scarier. If it were me, though, I'd rather risk my heart on someone new who doesn't have preconceived notions about me.I wish you luck in finding a great lifetime companion.

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Unfortunately you are going in circles with all sorts of analysis-paralysis and self-diagnosis. Go to a doctor, not just a therapist. You could have any number of things because "anxiety" can be a symptom of something else, not just a condition in itself.

 

As long as you are guessing you are not treating. It may come across as self-absorbed or neurotic to dates and people who do not know you well, so it would be best to get the proper diagnosis so you can get the appropriate treatment plan going.

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