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Thread: How long should it take to get over someone

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don't think thoughts turn off so much as change shape, lose their potency. I'm thinking about that whole chapter right now, for instance, in replying to you. It just doesn't carry much emotional weight, if any. It's like thinking back to high school, which I finished 23 years ago. I aced some tests, failed some tests, made some friends, lost some friends, but the whole thing is now just "high school," a chapter in my past.

    You'll get there, are getting there.
    Sometimes I see on here where people have been in relationships for years and then they break up and meet someone new a couple of months later and I'm 7 months down the line and still feel a wee bit wobbly sometimes but I want to make sure that I feel better in myself and get my confidence back before I even think of dating again if that makes sense?

    Because as you know the breakup was just out the blue and some hurtful things were said which totally broke my heart.

    Like I wouldn't want to rush into anything when I know myself I'm not ready for anything like that, a few people said to me go online dating just to get your confidence back but I just dont want to do that just yet I have never done online dating either. But I think it's just scary about meeting someone again when I had been with the one person for all those years.

  2. #22
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    Thanks for all the advice it has made me feel a bit better :) I just get so annoyed at myself though for still getting upset from time to time but your right it was a long time to be with someone and sometimes I feel like a sense of anger towards him, is that normal?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Thanks for all the advice it has made me feel a bit better :) I just get so annoyed at myself though for still getting upset from time to time but your right it was a long time to be with someone and sometimes I feel like a sense of anger towards him, is that normal?
    Oh yeah, totally normal. Anger is a healthy emotion but don't keep it in. It means you probably have a healthy sense of what's right and wrong internally! If it pisses you off, you know what you're not sticking around for. Don't ever feel bad about that. You'll probably go through naturally all the things that have made you upset. How you process that is up to you but eventually you'll have to know what to take and what to discard. Don't hold on to everything or coddle wrongs done to you or let the pain fester. When you're done, let it go - take the lessons.

    What I used to do was journal, play loud music, veg with movies, starfish it on the couch and cried my heart out... and I also relied on Campbell's for my nutritional needs for a few weeks.

    Keep your chin up. There is NO race. Don't play into that and don't care what others are doing.

  4. #24
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    The rule of thumb I found to be true is half the length of the relationship to be over them. And that means, the pain, feeling really good in your skin, not thinking about them, new memories with different associations for places made, etc.

    But it doesn't mean you wait forever to date. Dating is meant to be fun and a way to meet new people. Go have fun!

    Don't mention exes like at all for the 1st 10 dates (if that), but if you feel you need to apologize for the way you are because of your previous guy, then you aren't ready.

    After 1.5 year relationship that completely destroyed me, and in fact brought me to enotalone, I spent a year in grief. The 2nd year traveling, partying, learning new things, worked on myself with communication and figuring out my needs. The 3rd year, I gave back - started a non-profit. Volunteered my time. And in the between, I dated someone for 10 months, and had dates here and there. But the 3 years I worked on myself, bam, met up with my now hubs, and we have two boys and two pups.

    I think you shouldn't compare your journey with others - your path is your path. Other people aren't the ones living in your shoes. Focus on you - and take all the damn time you need!!

    And btw, if you get angry still thinking about your ex, you may definitely not be ready for a new relationship. Having fun, you can do!

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    The rule of thumb I found to be true is half the length of the relationship to be over them. And that means, the pain, feeling really good in your skin, not thinking about them, new memories with different associations for places made, etc.

    But it doesn't mean you wait forever to date. Dating is meant to be fun and a way to meet new people. Go have fun!

    Don't mention exes like at all for the 1st 10 dates (if that), but if you feel you need to apologize for the way you are because of your previous guy, then you aren't ready.

    After 1.5 year relationship that completely destroyed me, and in fact brought me to enotalone, I spent a year in grief. The 2nd year traveling, partying, learning new things, worked on myself with communication and figuring out my needs. The 3rd year, I gave back - started a non-profit. Volunteered my time. And in the between, I dated someone for 10 months, and had dates here and there. But the 3 years I worked on myself, bam, met up with my now hubs, and we have two boys and two pups.

    I think you shouldn't compare your journey with others - your path is your path. Other people aren't the ones living in your shoes. Focus on you - and take all the damn time you need!!

    And btw, if you get angry still thinking about your ex, you may definitely not be ready for a new relationship. Having fun, you can do!
    That's amazing how did you meet your husband? That definitely gives me hope

    I mean I dont get angry alot just sometimes when I think about it, basically we had been together 6 years and I had just turned 30 and he surprised me with a trip away on my birthday which was on my bucket list and then the next day he just turned round and said he didnt want to be with me anymore so it was a total shock and I was such a mess just felt so hurt

    But now I'm alot more positive and just trying to look forward but the odd time when I think about it now and then it just angers me at how it was done but I need to just keep reminding myself I will find happiness one day

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Oh yeah, totally normal. Anger is a healthy emotion but don't keep it in. It means you probably have a healthy sense of what's right and wrong internally! If it pisses you off, you know what you're not sticking around for. Don't ever feel bad about that. You'll probably go through naturally all the things that have made you upset. How you process that is up to you but eventually you'll have to know what to take and what to discard. Don't hold on to everything or coddle wrongs done to you or let the pain fester. When you're done, let it go - take the lessons.

    What I used to do was journal, play loud music, veg with movies, starfish it on the couch and cried my heart out... and I also relied on Campbell's for my nutritional needs for a few weeks.

    Keep your chin up. There is NO race. Don't play into that and don't care what others are doing.
    Yeah at first when it happened I was overthinking everything and thinking God was it me what have I done wrong and now I think no I shouldnt have to change for anyone and I know I was a good partner etc

    But now I've lost 2 stone in weight I've been running/walking eating healthy and just trying to stay positive as hard as it has been haha, but alot of friends/family have said I should be proud of myself at how I'm coming through this and how strong I actually am and that meant alot to hear that

  8. #27
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    How fast or slow really depends on you. If you are going to keep a candle near his picture and praying for him to come back, then your healing is going to go a little slow. If you accept its over and dust yourself off and work on you, then it might go faster.
    Now the exact time, no one knows.. I cant tell you its going to take 9 months, 3 days, 14hrs 12 min. But what I can tell you is that if you purge him from your life, meaning you delete everything from your phone, and delete him from your social media, don't look at his social media, discard of anything you have or that he gave you that provokes an emotion, and you decide to work on you. Then your healing will go by quicker than it is now.
    I think the problem is that when our X creeps into our head, we let that emotion dwell and until it takes over and affects us. So what you do is learn to mediate...Nothing deep but make sure its effective. And if your X creeps into your thoughts. You accept its there and don't question why its there, then you slow down, breathe deep and think of something positive and as you exhale, you imagine the stress leaving your body. Learn Yoga or tai chi. Whatever gets your mind off of the emotion and not your X. Remember, its your brain playing tricks on you so you just have to be stronger than the moment.
    Getting hurt sucks. That's why its the most common themes in songs and in poems, there are tons of books and it has been going on thru the days of the caveman.. Like when Ugh, decided that Ehh was better and dumped Rarah. (its a long caveman story)
    But you can get thru this. How soon? Up to you.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by No1
    How fast or slow really depends on you. If you are going to keep a candle near his picture and praying for him to come back, then your healing is going to go a little slow. If you accept its over and dust yourself off and work on you, then it might go faster.
    Now the exact time, no one knows.. I cant tell you its going to take 9 months, 3 days, 14hrs 12 min. But what I can tell you is that if you purge him from your life, meaning you delete everything from your phone, and delete him from your social media, don't look at his social media, discard of anything you have or that he gave you that provokes an emotion, and you decide to work on you. Then your healing will go by quicker than it is now.
    I think the problem is that when our X creeps into our head, we let that emotion dwell and until it takes over and affects us. So what you do is learn to mediate...Nothing deep but make sure its effective. And if your X creeps into your thoughts. You accept its there and don't question why its there, then you slow down, breathe deep and think of something positive and as you exhale, you imagine the stress leaving your body. Learn Yoga or tai chi. Whatever gets your mind off of the emotion and not your X. Remember, its your brain playing tricks on you so you just have to be stronger than the moment.
    Getting hurt sucks. That's why its the most common themes in songs and in poems, there are tons of books and it has been going on thru the days of the caveman.. Like when Ugh, decided that Ehh was better and dumped Rarah. (its a long caveman story)
    But you can get thru this. How soon? Up to you.
    Yeah I have defo accepted it's over I mean at the start I was broken like a complete mess but I am alot better now

    I think its in a sense you are grieving for the life you once had and when it changes at the flick of a switch you are completely lost but I've got good friends and family around me and also work colleagues who keep me going and they all tell me there is a massive difference in me and that I should be proud of myself which is really nice to hear that people can notice it.

    But your right I suppose there is no timescale or deadline of when you need to be over it by?

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Yeah I have defo accepted it's over I mean at the start I was broken like a complete mess but I am alot better now

    I think its in a sense you are grieving for the life you once had and when it changes at the flick of a switch you are completely lost but I've got good friends and family around me and also work colleagues who keep me going and they all tell me there is a massive difference in me and that I should be proud of myself which is really nice to hear that people can notice it.

    But your right I suppose there is no timescale or deadline of when you need to be over it by?

    A lot of people miss the Idea that was taken from them. Maybe that's what you are missing. The idea of that perfect or happy relationship and not the person itself.
    People think that since the person is gone, the idea is gone. But one must realize that its not. The wonderful, happy, loving relationship is still there, but its only going to be with a different person.
    Example would be that one has an idea of starting a family, buying a house and being happy with that person but after a break up.. all that goes away. In fact the only thing that changed is the person. The idea of starting a family and buying a house is still a reality.
    So are you mourning the loss of the idea or the person?

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by No1
    A lot of people miss the Idea that was taken from them. Maybe that's what you are missing. The idea of that perfect or happy relationship and not the person itself.
    People think that since the person is gone, the idea is gone. But one must realize that its not. The wonderful, happy, loving relationship is still there, but its only going to be with a different person.
    Example would be that one has an idea of starting a family, buying a house and being happy with that person but after a break up.. all that goes away. In fact the only thing that changed is the person. The idea of starting a family and buying a house is still a reality.
    So are you mourning the loss of the idea or the person?
    I think because we were so close to buying a house we had our deposit all saved and we were viewing houses etc and its supposed to be such a happy time in your life and then it feels like it's just been all taken away from you.

    And I think I am just panicking because I am 30 now and alot of my friends are all settled with partners kids and I've always wanted that.

    I think I am mourning the loss of him and I know I shouldn't be because how he ended it and things he said were really hurtful. In a way it feels I have wasted 6 years of my life because when he ended it he said he didnt want a future with me anymore and didnt want to have kids with me so that totally broke me and it is still tough some days thinking about it.

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