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Anxiety Help - Journal


boltnrun

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Thank you.

 

This morning I woke up much less anxious. Almost a negligible amount. I know it's because I confided in my son. Knowing he knows and is supportive helps a great deal. I'm starting to think I can find a way.

 

Still not happy about having to go back to work. That crowded, dirty and risky environment is not where I want to be right now. I'm obligated to stay with the company for 2 years or I have to pay back my bonus, which right now doesn't concern me much. But right now is also not a good time to be job hunting. It's on my radar for a few months from now.

 

It's a pretty day outside. Maybe I'll contact my son and his spouse about a walk tomorrow.

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Thank you.

 

This morning I woke up much less anxious. Almost a negligible amount. I know it's because I confided in my son. Knowing he knows and is supportive helps a great deal. I'm starting to think I can find a way.

 

Still not happy about having to go back to work. That crowded, dirty and risky environment is not where I want to be right now. I'm obligated to stay with the company for 2 years or I have to pay back my bonus, which right now doesn't concern me much. But right now is also not a good time to be job hunting. It's on my radar for a few months from now.

 

It's a pretty day outside. Maybe I'll contact my son and his spouse about a walk tomorrow.

 

I would go for that walk and see them at a distance it is ok.

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&*#*^ rude neighbors! There's plenty of space for two cars to park in front of my building, but the neighbor in the building next door deliberately parked right in the middle so no other cars could park there. His car isn't so nice that he needs to be afraid of anyone hitting it! So rude and inconsiderate.

 

This neighbor does this repeatedly. So selfish.

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&*#*^ rude neighbors! There's plenty of space for two cars to park in front of my building, but the neighbor in the building next door deliberately parked right in the middle so no other cars could park there. His car isn't so nice that he needs to be afraid of anyone hitting it! So rude and inconsiderate.

 

This neighbor does this repeatedly. So selfish.

Do you think you could mention it to them? Some people (a lot of them) are clueless to others.
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I spoke with a care coordinator this morning. She is going to help set up a physician as well as a therapist. I figure if the therapist feels I need medication they can refer me to a psychologist/psychiatrist. I explained that I am afraid to leave home and I am definitely afraid to go to work, so hopefully something can be set up this week.

 

Strong anxiety this morning. A maintenance man is coming to put a vent in my kitchen above my stove. I laid down plastic sheeting and have some booties for him to cover his shoes. And I certainly hope he is wearing a mask, otherwise I have one for him. Then I'll spend the rest of the afternoon disinfecting my floors and kitchen. Poor kitty will have to stay closed up in my bedroom until he's gone and I'm done disinfecting.

 

Looting and riots were less than 2 miles from my home. For some reason that didn't spike my anxiety, probably because I can't "catch" looting or rioting while I could "catch" the virus.

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Do you think you could mention it to them? Some people (a lot of them) are clueless to others.

 

Right now I'm tending to not want to do anything that could create conflict with anyone. My city was hit hard with looting and rioting, so I'd rather just stay quiet for now while everyone is tense.

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Right now I'm tending to not want to do anything that could create conflict with anyone. My city was hit hard with looting and rioting, so I'd rather just stay quiet for now while everyone is tense.
That's a good idea.

 

I'm sorry. That has to be scary... its heartbreaking. I hope you stay safe. xxoo

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Thanks ladies :)

 

So maintenance guy decides to show up at the back door instead of the front, where I'd already laid down plastic sheeting :\ He put on the booties I provided, but put them on OUTSIDE, which defeated the entire purpose. He proceeded to keep them on when he had to make several trips to his truck, again totally defeating the purpose. But he only stepped on the tile floor and when he had to go into the living room he walked only on the plastic sheeting. I spent an hour disinfecting the tile floor and the kitchen and the doorknobs he touched. Overkill? Probably. But like my friend said, if it makes me feel more comfortable there's nothing wrong with what I am going.

 

Curfew was set for 4 pm. I was going to go to the store to pick up water and milk and hand soap and a few other items but I figured there would be a rush to the store resulting in crowds. So I will have to go to both the laundromat and the store on the same day. I'd like to get them both done tomorrow. One trip to get two chores done makes sense.

 

It was heartwarming to see all the people who showed up downtown this morning to clean up and help board up the stores that were looted and those that seemed to need protection. Dozens and dozens of people came with brooms and dust pans and sponges. THAT is my city. A large percentage of the looters were from outside the city. They admitted they came to steal. I would be humiliated and ashamed if my kids behaved that way. I would have loved to go help but my stupid anxiety won't let me be around crowds.

 

Hoping the therapist they find for me can help me. I can't live like this forever. I feel mentally paralyzed.

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I don't think I have a phobia. I believe it's anxiety. If it was a phobia it would have manifested itself before this. I have never been afraid to leave home or to be in crowds. The only other time I was afraid to leave home alone was during the LA riots. Again, a legitimate trigger for anxiety. Otherwise I have traipsed alone all over the place and in all kinds of crowded conditions. Never bothered me.

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Yes, but in this case you have been questioning the legitimacy of your reaction to COVID.

 

Agree. But I don't see that as a phobia. A phobia would exist regardless of circumstances. For instance, I am afraid of snakes. I am afraid of them all the time. I am not usually afraid of people or crowds or of leaving home. This fear is in reaction to the pandemic.

 

I do think it's above and beyond what it should be, which is why I am seeking professional help.

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I've had that issue with the foot covers too and I call them out on it - my maintenance guy knows to put them on right before entering.

I don't think it's a phobia - I had a phobia -had because it feels more under control -and of course I was more anxious in situations where it was more likely to happen/triggered but I always had it. Covid has been increasing anxiety in many people and now these looting/riots (my city too). Glad you are getting help!!!

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So today's laundromat and grocery store adventure!

 

Got to the laundromat about 9 am. Only about 5 people inside. I sprayed down 2 machines and got my change out of the change machine and washed 2 loads. Waited in my car until the wash was almost finished, then I sprayed down a table and one dryer. Right after I finished spraying and wiping the dryer along comes a lady trying to put her clothes inside! I told her that was my dryer and she said "I was just..." Yeah, you were just about to use the dryer I just spent several minutes disinfecting! Nope! She apologized and I said "that's fine" but she cannot have my dryer! So I put the clothes in the dryer and decided to run to the grocery store down the street to pick up a few things. The grocery store was an absolute zoo. Dozens and dozens of people inside and no restrictions on how many can be in the store. Face coverings are mandatory which is good, but no crowd control at all. I got almost all of what I needed (no razors!!!) and got out as fast as I could. Back to the laundromat. Parking lot was now full. Place was so busy that someone was waiting for me to leave so they could use my parking space. Again, got out as quick as I could. Annoying thing, I lost some socks. Those wall mounted clothes dryers don't stop spinning unless you open them at least 6 inches, which means things escape. And I sure wasn't going to put socks that fell on the floor into my clean clothes basket. Lots of juggling to get laundry and a bottle of milk and a bottle of water inside. Rest of the groceries are still in the trunk, but nothing is perishable.

 

Ugh...lessons learned, get to the laundromat earlier and do not try to buy groceries on the same day I do laundry.

 

Also lost 3 more pounds. I swear I've been eating better but I'm still losing weight. I've lost 18 pounds so far. I look ridiculously skinny.

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Thanks to Kamurj (mod) for changing the title. It makes more sense now...I think?

 

Household chore day. I only went outside to move my car for the street sweeper and I'll be taking out the trash later. I know those sound trivial but to me they are major obstacles.

 

Kind of disappointed in the "Care Coordinator" who was supposed to set up a doctor and therapist for me. She handed my case off to another employee who set me up with wrong kind of doctor (even though I specifically requested a certain specialist and the original coordinator agreed) and has done nothing to provide a referral to a therapist. Now I have to wait longer to see if they're going to fix their mistakes. I was hoping I actually was working with someone competent but those hopes got dashed. Why is incompetence not only rampant but expected these days??? If I performed that poorly I'd lose my job.

 

Speaking of job, I logged on to my work laptop today and found that my position has been changed! They moved me to a role that I never wanted, didn't apply for and have zero interest in. I'll have to get with my manager to find out why they did that. I'm sure they'll tell me they moved me to where they need me, but I don't see how they can just move someone to a different job whenever they feel like it. If they won't change it I will step down as soon as I possibly can.

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I messaged my manager this afternoon. I'm supposed to be keeping in touch for when they decide they need me to report to work. I know he's super busy but I need him to give me some time to discuss how I was moved to another position without my knowledge or approval. I will ask to be stepped to another role because I vehemently am not interested in this other role. I'll take a cut in pay if I have to. But I am incensed.

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So, today the anxiety seems a bit more manageable.

 

I did decide to go back to the laundromat. I thought that would result in bad dreams and/or a lack of sleep, but I slept OK. I think I had one of my standard issue road trip dreams. I don't usually have those when the anxiety is spiking so that was good.

 

I can't figure out how I can have done 4 loads of laundry this week and my dirty clothes hamper is still totally stuffed to the brim. When it was just me and one of my kids at home we only did 3 loads a week! And I by myself have 4-5 loads per week? I realize I am changing my outfits twice a day whenever I go out in public, so that must be why. I still have two full loads to do to be caught up. Grrrr…

 

I'm going to ask my son and his spouse if we can do a "socially distant" walk this weekend. I was going to ask last weekend but I can't even remember why I didn't.

 

This week just flew by for me. I thought the weeks would go slower while I am not going in to work but they're still flying by. I expect to be notified to report to work next week. I am trying to make peace with the fact that I will have to work closely with 150+ people in an enclosed building. The hardest thing to do besides trying to stay away from everyone and constantly wiping down my laptop, glasses and washing my hands is trying to eat at work. I won't buy from the vending machines since I saw the janitorial staff using the same dirty rag to wipe down all the machines and not even spraying each machine (gross). I won't use the communal refrigerators or the communal microwaves. I can use the one in the manager's conference room which is better than the one used by several hundred other employees. But it's a drag wiping everything down. And even though instructions went out to remove all the interior doors, some locations are refusing to do so. Not sure why that is. But rather than go through all that I was previously just eating very little. I do need to eat though, so I'll have to overcome that somehow.

 

Speaking of eating very little, my weight is ridiculous currently. I wanted to get down to 128 lbs. I struggled and struggled and just could not get below 133. Well now I am 115 lbs. Of course due to my anxiety and depression. That is just too skinny. My clothes are either hanging on me or they just fall down. I need to gain back 10 lbs. It sounds nice when people say "Drink protein drinks!! Eat pizza!" Except I am lactose intolerant and can barely even force myself to go grocery shopping. I'm hoping my appetite comes back soon because I need to get those 10 lbs. back!

 

Gloomy weather the past couple of days. Typical of beach communities. I hope I can start bringing myself to at least get out a bit to enjoy this beautiful city. I'll see how work goes, then maybe plan for some outdoor activities later on.

 

Hope everyone will have a nice weekend!

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Can you eat nuts or peanut butter?

 

Nope. Peanut AND tree nut allergy. List of forbidden foods: Peanuts, tree nuts, dairy, red meat (unless it is ground or chopped), carbonated beverages, alcohol, donuts and most muffins. I used to not be able to eat sugar but I was able to overcome that one. It's pretty much fish, chicken and vegetables and fruit. Which is fine because although I'm not a big fruit person (although I like juice) I really do like fish, chicken and veggies. And I can eat a burger.

 

It's my anxiety affecting my appetite. I don't do delivery currently because I'm afraid of being exposed to Covid and the whole getting the food delivered (or picking it up) and then wiping down the containers or transferring the food to plates after disposing somehow with the bag it came in is too much for me to deal with. And with Covid rampant in meat and poultry processing plants I am not inclined to buy fresh chicken or ground beef or pork. I do love fish, so that will probably be my best option once I gather up the nerve to go to the grocery store.

 

I had some steamed spinach (steamed from frozen) the other night and it was so delicious! I might have more tonight.

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Everything you can eat just like me really doesn’t lean to gaining weight.

 

It doesn't make sense because I was eating those things before and couldn't lose weight. But now that my anxiety is spiking I have no appetite. And now I'm a stick.

 

I used to LOVE takeout and going to restaurants, but that's out for me. When I grocery shop I either do pickup or I go and rush through the store trying to get out as quickly as possible. No leisurely shopping and browsing to see what looks good.

 

I feel like once I get this anxiety under control I'll be able to eat again. Unfortunately the organization that is working on finding me help has said they're "working on it" but that I shouldn't expect a referral anytime soon. I'm hoping for next week.

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