Anxiety Help - Journal

I have to go to the location with the most cases (6 cases, 2 deaths) starting tomorrow night. I'll be there for the next 5 weeks. I have to work overnight from 5:30 PM until about 6 AM with 180 other people crammed into a small space with no social distancing and with everyone handling everything. I feel like I'll be going to my death. Seriously.

Anxiety now at a 20 out of 10.

We are thinking of you. Hugs.

I'm in tears. Seriously scared. I knew this day was coming but I was hoping to have more time.

I'm trying to calm myself down by telling myself it's not as bad as I think it's going to be. I know that everyone has to wear a mask, but I know for a fact (because I've seen it with my own eyes) that the company is prioritizing money over safety. They talk about keeping us safe but the managers get into trouble if they don't meet productivity goals, and the only way to meet goals is to forget about safety and make everyone crowd together.

I'm going to get Covid. I know it.

Maybe I can contact my psychologist tomorrow. I am panicking and I can't see how I'm going to be able to do this.

Can you get on unemployment?

Can you get on unemployment?

In the US you can only get unemployment if you are laid off. You can't get it if you voluntarily quit. The only way I can get out of working is if my doctor fills out forms saying I am unable to work.

I knew I would have to go back but I was hoping I wouldn't have to. I know that makes no sense but I have been home not working on site for so long I guess I hoped it would last forever. Stupid, I know.

Psych doctor made time to see me tomorrow at noon. If I am going to panic this much I need meds.

In the US you can only get unemployment if you are laid off. You can't get it if you voluntarily quit. The only way I can get out of working is if my doctor fills out forms saying I am unable to work.

 

I knew I would have to go back but I was hoping I wouldn't have to. I know that makes no sense but I have been home not working on site for so long I guess I hoped it would last forever. Stupid, I know.

Here you can’t voluntarily quit either. But maybe ask for a medical leave because of anxiety?

Can your doctors help you get disability for the crippling anxiety? If you can not work or function, consider asking about it.

I'm in tears. Seriously scared. I knew this day was coming but I was hoping to have more time.

 

I'm trying to calm myself down by telling myself it's not as bad as I think it's going to be. I know that everyone has to wear a mask, but I know for a fact (because I've seen it with my own eyes) that the company is prioritizing money over safety. They talk about keeping us safe but the managers get into trouble if they don't meet productivity goals, and the only way to meet goals is to forget about safety and make everyone crowd together.

 

I'm going to get Covid. I know it.

 

Maybe I can contact my psychologist tomorrow. I am panicking and I can't see how I'm going to be able to do this.

I wish you all the best and peace and I am here for you.

Thank you everyone. You are all so kind. I appreciate it more than you know.

I am "seeing" my psych doctor today at noon. I will ask her if she is willing to sign me off for a medical LOA. I know a coworker who went out on a medical LOA due to extreme stress. She is back at work and even got promoted a year or so later. The building I'm supposed to be assigned to is opening in mid-August. I will feel safer there because they start out with fewer employees; more like about 35 instead of 175. I will feel safer with fewer people around. I still plan to leave the company but I can hold out for a while longer. Otherwise I would have to work in the crowded building for about 5 weeks and I just can't fathom doing that.

My other option would be to just leave the company now. I am lucky to have enough saved up to pay the last 2 months of my lease. And I'm sure my brother will let me move in with him. I can pay him rent. I'll look for an office type job where I won't be crammed into a building with almost 200 other people. I will have to pay back my bonus but I will talk to the company about making monthly payments. Or, I can just put it all on a credit card which is not ideal, but if they demand a lump sum that is an option.

The way I feel now, there is no way I can go into work. No way. I'm pretty sure if I tried to power through I would just end up no-showing and that's just not a good thing to do.

I knew this day was coming but I honestly thought we'd have a better handle on the pandemic by now. We've all been dealing with this since March and we're worse off than we were back when we thought we were in the critical time. It's spreading like crazy and no one seems interested in trying to stop it. If I hear "We just need to get HERD IMMUNITY!" one more time I'm going to throw something. Herd immunity means many, many more people will have to die and I don't have an "oh well, so be it!" attitude. And it's no longer just old people. Everyone will lose someone they know or someone they care about and many of us won't even be here at all because we'll get it. I just feel so hopeless.

One coworker who is a friend is currently taking care of his grandmother. She just got released from the hospital after contracting Covid. They released her even though she is still infectious, I presume because they needed her bed. He's concerned about getting it from her, rightfully so, but he's still there. I feel kind of stupid for being afraid because what he's dealing with is way, way worse than what I am. But that doesn't remove my fear.

I'll ask my doctor and let you know what she says. Today I will either apply for medical leave or I will be submitting my resignation Monday.

I think those two choices are your best choices.

The thing is I don’t think there’s any such thing as herd immunity with this virus. They are now starting to think that immunity doesn’t last very long.

So just make the decision now it’s medical leave or resignation. And start making plans from there.

I think those two choices are your best choices.

 

The thing is I don’t think there’s any such thing as herd immunity with this virus. They are now starting to think that immunity doesn’t last very long.

 

So just make the decision now it’s medical leave or resignation. And start making plans from there.

Thanks.

I have to ask my psych doctor if she is willing to sign the paperwork for a medical LOA. If she is not willing then I will submit my resignation Monday. I have to wait until Monday so I can receive one more paycheck. They may try to force me to work out a 2 week notice even though that would be kind of pointless since I haven't been working onsite since the end of March, but I have some vacation hours and for the rest of the days I will just call out. Because I'm not going.

I won't be eligible for rehire if I don't work out a 2 week notice but right now I sure can't imagine ever wanting to come back. This company has proven they value profits over employee safety. They've always done that but before you just ran the risk of getting injured. Now we're expected to be willing to contract a deadly virus just to make money for them and that's morally wrong IMO.

Then you have a plan in the works. Hugs. This should bring some relief.

Thanks.

 

I have to ask my psych doctor if she is willing to sign the paperwork for a medical LOA. If she is not willing then I will submit my resignation Monday. I have to wait until Monday so I can receive one more paycheck. They may try to force me to work out a 2 week notice even though that would be kind of pointless since I haven't been working onsite since the end of March, but I have some vacation hours and for the rest of the days I will just call out. Because I'm not going.

 

I won't be eligible for rehire if I don't work out a 2 week notice but right now I sure can't imagine ever wanting to come back. This company has proven they value profits over employee safety. They've always done that but before you just ran the risk of getting injured. Now we're expected to be willing to contract a deadly virus just to make money for them and that's morally wrong IMO.

So the clinical psychologist agreed to sign the paperwork allowing me to be out on leave for one month. My company could still choose to deny my application, but if they do then Plan B (resignation) will happen.

I'm trying to get ahold of my manager to give him a heads up. I asked for a phone call. He read my message but didn't respond. I'll give him until late afternoon and then I'll send an email. I'm trying to do him the courtesy of notifying him before he sees the system generated notification because that is the professional thing to do.

If the application is approved I will do some work to get more comfortable with the idea of working on site. I will also try to do some site visits (if the terms of the leave allow it) so I can get used to the idea of being there.

She also wants me to try a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. I called my regular doctor (psych doctor doesn't prescribe) but they're closed so I'll try again later.

One thing she said is to not use this time as avoidance. Avoiding the problem and not doing any work to get better will just result in the same issues a month down the road. So she encouraged me to do the site visits and to continue with safe walks and running errands (again, safely).

I feel better. Now just have to see if my company will approve.

Side note, I'm not concerned if the leave is paid or unpaid. Medical leaves are generally paid but I have the funds to tide me over if there's a delay. I am extremely fortunate to have that ability.

Thanks for all your support, it means a lot, more than you know.

So great that the doctors will support you ! What med the dr prescribe? My dr wants to change mine .

So great that the doctors will support you ! What med the dr prescribe? My dr wants to change mine .

I haven't gotten ahold of my doctor yet but the psych doctor recommended Klonopin. She said I can start on a very low dose to see how it works and how it affects me. It's apparently also an anti-seizure drug.

I haven't gotten ahold of my doctor yet but the psych doctor recommended Klonopin. She said I can start on a very low dose to see how it works and how it affects me. It's apparently also an anti-seizure drug.

That is the one I take but not recommended for long term use. It is meant for emergencies to get you under control.

That is the one I take but not recommended for long term use. It is meant for emergencies to get you under control.

Yeah, she thinks I just need a low dose for the time being. She wants to try to eliminate the debilitating panic attacks before they become a regular thing.

I emailed my manager because he never responded to my message. I also initiated my leave request. I probably won't hear back until the middle of next week, but at least everyone is aware and won't be wondering why I'm not at work.

Yeah, she thinks I just need a low dose for the time being. She wants to try to eliminate the debilitating panic attacks before they become a regular thing.

 

I emailed my manager because he never responded to my message. I also initiated my leave request. I probably won't hear back until the middle of next week, but at least everyone is aware and won't be wondering why I'm not at work.

They have to interrupt your brain from causing a pattern .

Knock on the door a few minutes ago. Unexpected plumber visit! I tried to put plastic sheeting down on the floor really quick but they would have slipped on it. So I just gave up and let them in. They walked on my floor with their dirty work boots and one guy leaned on the bathroom door frame with his dirty gloves. They were wearing masks so there is that. I'm currently spending an hour disinfecting the floor, the door frame and the bathroom sink and tub since I don't know what else they touched.

Laundromat this morning was an absolute zoo. People everywhere. Last Friday was horrible too. I guess Fridays are going to be my bad days.

Floor disinfected and cleaned. Took about an hour. They better not come back expecting to be let in again because I sure don't want to do that again!

So, since I moved states and my company wants me to see if I would quality for state disability I have to go to the DMV to get a current driver license. And they're not taking appointments. It's first come, first served. I drove by there the other day on my way somewhere else. A ridiculous, non-socially-distanced line. Only good thing was the line was outdoors. I can't do it online because I have to verify my identity in person and have my photo taken. The disability office won't even start a claim unless I have an ID for this state. Honestly, I'm not all that concerned with the pay. I just wanted to be able to be off to work on managing my anxiety and be able to slowly build up the nerve to be around crowds at work. If it turns out to be an unpaid leave I can manage.

Today was not a good day. Hopefully nothing unexpected comes up over this weekend so I can try to relax.

Ugh I'm so sorry. Reminds me a little of my last weekend with the more than 24 hour boil water advisory. I do realize of course why you had to let them in - never know when/if they'll come back!

I hope you are ok. It has been strange letting my daycare littles back in the house. I was nervous at first but I have to forge ahead. But can be nerve wracking.

I think they're gone, at least for today. Apparently the tenant downstairs has some kind of leak, maybe they thought it was coming from my apartment? I don't know. They were only in my bathroom for maybe 10 minutes and they thanked me and left. Disinfecting and cleaning commenced.

I think I was less freaked out than last time maintenance came in because I've done lots of research and nothing I've found indicates that the swarm of Covid cases are caused by a) not wiping down groceries, b) someone tracking in the virus on their shoes (outside of a hospital setting) or c) from people touching something. I understand that you CAN come in contact with the virus from a surface, but it's certainly not the main method of transmission. Everything I've read and seen says it's overwhelmingly transmitted person to person, from close, sustained contact (at least several minutes) while the parties involved were not wearing face coverings and/or were sharing objects or touching the same doorknobs, etc. I sure wasn't lurking close to the plumbers, hugging them or shoving myself into their faces breathing their air. And I didn't take anything from them. I disinfected the floors, the door frame and the bathroom tub, sink and fixtures. Very time consuming and kind of discouraging, but I got it done.

It's quite warm outside. I went out to pick up the package the Amazon delivery driver left on the stairs outside (sigh...) and wow. Not at all close to being as scorchingly hot as where I used to live, but warm for this area. Going down to the beach sure would be nice but I won't because for one thing the beaches are closed and for another thing, it's a holiday weekend so there will be swarms of people invading my neighborhood trying to ignore the beach closure order. So I will enjoy the walk above the beach after the hordes clear away next week.

What happened with the water, Batya? Did something get into the water or did a pump fail or something?

Exactly transmission is almost 100% person to person.