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Anxiety Help - Journal


boltnrun

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Thank you.

 

I presume I will have some anxiety when I start my new job. But I was assured they are doing temp checks (which, BTW, do not guarantee in any way a person doesn't have Covid but at least it's something), have masks and hand sanitizer available and there will only be about 20 people total in the building which spans two stories. And there isn't an elevator but rather stairs. I'm glad about that because I am not comfortable getting into an elevator with other people. I will of course be in training for a while but if the person is wearing a mask and is not leaning over me it should be OK. I will be issued a laptop for my own use so no equipment sharing. And I was told I will be in a cubicle so there is a physical barrier too.

 

I feel like it will help to be productive. I've had way too much time to sit and think and obsess over my fears.

 

As for the move, I am fed up with this stupid apartment. So many things don't work or are so old they just don't translate to modern times. For example, there is ONE electrical outlet in the bedroom. One. Only 3 in the living room and two of them are on the same wall. The oven doesn't work, the bathtub clogs constantly because the plumbing was installed poorly, the kitchen has zero prep space, there is only street parking...the list goes on and on. I hate this place. And the isolation is so damaging.

 

So yeah, better days ahead!

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I yelled at my brother :(

 

I paid for us to get takeout. He went to pick up the food. He doesn't wipe down food containers or remove the food containers from the bag it was packaged in. He set the bag down on the dinner table, set out plates (no hand washing in between) and then set the bag that my order was in on top of the plate. Didn't remove the container from the bag, didn't wipe down anything. I yelled because I was scared because he hadn't wiped anything down and then set the bag down on my plate! I apologized for yelling, but I explained that I always wipe everything down. He does not. Then he handed me the fork the restaurant had placed inside the bag. Again, didn't wipe it down and had not washed his hands before handing it to me.

 

Sigh...I am going to have to get used to this because he does not wipe ANYTHING down. He touches things outside the home and does not wash up after. He is not disinfecting doorknobs or light switches or countertops or tables. I will have to put myself in charge of disinfection.

 

But I am sorry I yelled at him. I let my fear and anxiety take over and I can't do that to him.

 

Six more days and I am out of this miserable apartment. Just in time too, because another heat wave is coming in 5 days.

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bolt, don't feel so bad. I would have done the same thing.

 

Sometimes yelling isn't about being a crazy person, sometimes yelling is speaking louder so the person will understand how important something is to you.

 

Your brother obviously isn't getting it that he needs to wipes things. I mean, it's a pandemic. In order to forgo getting quite sick, there has got to be a certain amount of responsibility.

 

I too am finding it very aggravating how people keep thinking that this virus isn't real, or that there doesn't need to be any guidelines or rules in trying to remain safe.

It's natural to get fed up with those who aren't respecting how you're feeling either and if you're concerned about getting sick and he's ignoring that, that's reason alone to yell.

 

If he won't listen and won't respect what you need, then I think all you can do is wipe down on your own and keep your distance from him.

But grrrrr, would that ever get on my nerves too!! The bag on the plate would have really grinded me. That's just plain gross as germs still exist whether there's a pandemic, or not.

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I'm so sorry this happened. I was in that situation many times when my son was an infant and we were at our inlaws house and they didn't observe the level of hygiene I did. If this makes you feel better Ill tell you when I yelled at my 80 year old mom - we were at her house -my son and I. I was so hangry but had to make my son's lunch first. I did. Then I went to make myself a grilled cheese in a frying pan. My mother said she often presses it down with a bowl (i.e. a version of a panini maker lol). I told her I would do it my own way and thanked her. I walked away to get my son something. My mother takes the bowl that was resting on the oven and presses it down on my grilling sandwich. Um no. I'm not going to eat the sandwich that now came in contact with the part of the bowl that was right on the oven - even though she wipes down the oven daily. It's just not my comfort level ever, and no there was no covid. I yelled because I had so little time to eat, my lunch was ruined (it had almost been ready too) and she just didn't get it. I ate a cold cheese sandwich after I threw out what would have been a delectable grilled cheese. I wish I hadn't yelled. But no I don't regret throwing it away even if someone else would be fine eating it.

 

Can you disinfect his space without him complaining about it -if so it's all good and if not hopefully he'll defer to you.

 

Oh I also hate at takeout places when they put the cup upside down over the drink container -like if my son gets one of those small milks or juices that's not a juice box - or I ask for an extra cup for ice cream and they put two cups down on the counter then stack them -I often try to prevent this but often without success.

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My brother isn't one of those who thinks the virus isn't real and he absolutely does follow many of the guidelines. He wears a mask when he leaves his home and he is careful to physically distance. But he doesn't see the need to wipe things down and he doesn't have any issues with going out shopping, touching things, then coming home and touching things inside his home. He doesn't really understand why I make such a "thing" out of it, but he isn't rude or disrespectful about it. He just isn't going to do things the way I do. However, I did find several food items in his fridge that expired in June and July. He asserted that the expiry dates are "best by" dates, not expiry dates. But when I showed him the mold on a loaf of bread he threw it out. And really, 3 months past expiry date? Icky! We will NOT be sharing food lol.

 

I think he might be slightly offended if I disinfect the light switches and door knobs and the kitchen counters and table but I will do it anyway. I'll just tell him that his nutty sister feels better if those things are done.

 

But I am sorry I yelled. I think he took it as I thought he was deliberately disregarding my feelings and I don't think that's what he did. He just doesn't see the need to wipe things down. So I will do it for myself.

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Except it's not nutty. It makes sense to do. Germs are a real thing, as is this virus. Maybe he doesn't understand cross contamination?

 

He understands. He's very intelligent (engineer). But many experts have said the chances of contracting Covid from a surface is low. I don't want to take that chance so I wipe everything down. But my cousin who has liver disease and is diabetic and who works in healthcare does not.

 

I'll just be sure to disinfect my own things, and I will disinfect the common areas, but I won't expect him to do the same. And I will not yell unless he does something that I feel will put me in danger.

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My brother isn't one of those who thinks the virus isn't real and he absolutely does follow many of the guidelines. He wears a mask when he leaves his home and he is careful to physically distance. But he doesn't see the need to wipe things down and he doesn't have any issues with going out shopping, touching things, then coming home and touching things inside his home. He doesn't really understand why I make such a "thing" out of it, but he isn't rude or disrespectful about it. He just isn't going to do things the way I do. However, I did find several food items in his fridge that expired in June and July. He asserted that the expiry dates are "best by" dates, not expiry dates. But when I showed him the mold on a loaf of bread he threw it out. And really, 3 months past expiry date? Icky! We will NOT be sharing food lol.

 

I think he might be slightly offended if I disinfect the light switches and door knobs and the kitchen counters and table but I will do it anyway. I'll just tell him that his nutty sister feels better if those things are done.

 

But I am sorry I yelled. I think he took it as I thought he was deliberately disregarding my feelings and I don't think that's what he did. He just doesn't see the need to wipe things down. So I will do it for myself.

 

This reminds me of - sigh- the mom who posted in my moms group in a thread about whether we'd take our kids trick or treating for halloween (nope we won't because where we go is very crowded plus I'm sure our police force won't be closing down the streets this year for it - my guess is the event will be cancelled) - so anyway one mom wrote that she would go trick or treating because, well, she is done with the virus, moving on, etc. OKKKK - so you get to decide you're done with the virus and take those kinds of risks? Who put her in charge? I'm done too. I'm fried. But as an adult I don't let that affect my safety protocols I just buckle down even more and deal. with. it.

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I'm pretty sure the virus doesn't care who is "done with it". Silly of someone to think just because they're tired of dealing with it, it will go away.

 

I am so glad my kids are too old to be in school, go trick or treating, etc. Because I would not allow them to go. I would do something like make a super fun night at home with costumes and candy and maybe a mildly scary movie. But no getting candy from strangers who might be infected. Icky.

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I'm pretty sure the virus doesn't care who is "done with it". Silly of someone to think just because they're tired of dealing with it, it will go away.

 

I am so glad my kids are too old to be in school, go trick or treating, etc. Because I would not allow them to go. I would do something like make a super fun night at home with costumes and candy and maybe a mildly scary movie. But no getting candy from strangers who might be infected. Icky.

 

If my building gives out trick or treat bags we will take one and quarantine it.

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Someone on FB wrote that "the police and government cannot control Halloween, so let's go to Walmart and buy whatever we want and hand out whatever candy we like..it's our life!".

 

I was thinking, "Omg, really? What is with people?" This is a virus, there are safety measures put in place to try to keep us from getting sick...for our own good! and these nutjobs are spouting out these kinds of things, encouraging others to be as irresponsible as they are.

 

To be honest, I cringe as to what is coming in terms of how high the numbers are going to go this winter. Last winter the numbers went high, and people were actually trying to stay home and be responsible. Since summer, it's been a bloody free for all.

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That sounds good. But going around the neighborhood knocking on doors and accepting candy from strangers who may or may not be infected? No way!

 

Oh -so the way we do it here is the families typically put candy bowls on the porch or by the door so typically no knocking - we live near a neighborhood with huge houses that does halloween every year - but the issue is the streets and sidewalks are crowded with families and kids so--- no thanks.

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So the new job is OK. They do have safety protocols but they are also very casual. We can take off our masks while at our desks working. A couple of people removed theirs and one of the women coughed several times. I would have appreciated if she put her mask on before coughing...and there are a lot of doors I have to go through in the office, the bathroom has TWO doors you have to open before you even get in and two employees tested positive for Covid although it happened weeks and weeks ago and they fogged the building after they found out. But there were only about maybe 12-14 people total in the office. My supervisor had me in her closed office for about an hour and a half but we both had our masks on the entire time. And the office has AC so no windows open to help with air flow. But these are things I will have to accept in order to have this job.

 

They do have lots of hand sanitizer and extra masks if we don't have one with us (I brought my own). And we take our own temps and log them onto a sheet of paper although I'm not a fan of all of us using the same pen (I will use my own pen, thank you!) and we are trusted to self report if we have a fever.

 

Anyway, I have tomorrow off because the computer they ordered for me will not be in until late tomorrow afternoon.

 

It was hard getting up at 5:20 AM! I got used to sleeping in and was getting up between 6:30 AM and 7:30 AM. So I'm tired.

 

I did get takeout for lunch since me and the lady training me were given an hour and a half lunch break and I didn't want to sit in the office for that long. There was no way to disinfect the packaging, the bag, etc. as thoroughly as I would have liked but again, I just dealt with it.

 

I was sent home half day since with no computer there was nothing I could work on. I changed my clothes and will shower before bed.

 

All in all, I think it will be good for me to be forced to relax many of the protocols and routines I have been using. No way is anyone else going to do the things I've been doing so I might as well get used to it and learn to accept it.

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Day off today, packed some more things, put a few things in my car. Anxiety spiking quite a bit. I expected it. Having to be back around people again for 8 hours was bound to affect me.

 

Side note...why on earth are people taking their children to Vegas during a pandemic? How bored do you have to be or how badly do you need to gamble to expose your children to the Vegas strip that is packed with hundreds of unmasked tourists from all over? I don't get it.

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Day off today, packed some more things, put a few things in my car. Anxiety spiking quite a bit. I expected it. Having to be back around people again for 8 hours was bound to affect me.

 

Side note...why on earth are people taking their children to Vegas during a pandemic? How bored do you have to be or how badly do you need to gamble to expose your children to the Vegas strip that is packed with hundreds of unmasked tourists from all over? I don't get it.

 

Same reason people are taking their kids to Disney (we had to cancel our April trip -now have a voucher for a future one) - because they can and because they're "done" with the virus.

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Same reason people are taking their kids to Disney (we had to cancel our April trip -now have a voucher for a future one) - because they can and because they're "done" with the virus.

 

I can understand Disney to some extent. But the Vegas strip late at night? What is there for children?

 

Ah well...

 

Didn't sleep enough. Anxious about work but that's to be expected.

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I can understand Disney to some extent. But the Vegas strip late at night? What is there for children?

 

Ah well...

 

Didn't sleep enough. Anxious about work but that's to be expected.

 

I'm sorry you feel anxious! I went to vegas twice in 2007 and 2008 I think. I surprised myself by how much I loved it -had a blast. No kid then. I really don't know what a child would do there - although I guess my 11 year old now would like the same shows but .... casinos?? I don't get it either.

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AND, the IT guy who set up my computer also chose to remove his mask. And to add to the wonderfulness, he set his mask down on my notebook! So I got to breathe in his air AND get whatever he had on his mask on my notebook. The other IT guy sneezed while he was standing there but at least he had his mask on.

 

I'm trying to make peace with being exposed because I see no way around it. In order to have a job I must be around people, and no one else is as fearful or as careful as I am so exposure is bound to happen. Nothing I can do about it but accept it.

 

Really down today.

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