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Thread: Anxiety Help - Journal

  1. #111
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I don't think I have a phobia. I believe it's anxiety. If it was a phobia it would have manifested itself before this. I have never been afraid to leave home or to be in crowds. The only other time I was afraid to leave home alone was during the LA riots. Again, a legitimate trigger for anxiety. Otherwise I have traipsed alone all over the place and in all kinds of crowded conditions. Never bothered me.

  2. #112
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    The only other time I was afraid to leave home alone was during the LA riots. Again, a legitimate trigger for anxiety.
    Yes, but in this case you have been questioning the legitimacy of your reaction to COVID.

  3. #113
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Yes, but in this case you have been questioning the legitimacy of your reaction to COVID.
    Agree. But I don't see that as a phobia. A phobia would exist regardless of circumstances. For instance, I am afraid of snakes. I am afraid of them all the time. I am not usually afraid of people or crowds or of leaving home. This fear is in reaction to the pandemic.

    I do think it's above and beyond what it should be, which is why I am seeking professional help.

  4. #114
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    I've had that issue with the foot covers too and I call them out on it - my maintenance guy knows to put them on right before entering.
    I don't think it's a phobia - I had a phobia -had because it feels more under control -and of course I was more anxious in situations where it was more likely to happen/triggered but I always had it. Covid has been increasing anxiety in many people and now these looting/riots (my city too). Glad you are getting help!!!

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  6. #115
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So today's laundromat and grocery store adventure!

    Got to the laundromat about 9 am. Only about 5 people inside. I sprayed down 2 machines and got my change out of the change machine and washed 2 loads. Waited in my car until the wash was almost finished, then I sprayed down a table and one dryer. Right after I finished spraying and wiping the dryer along comes a lady trying to put her clothes inside! I told her that was my dryer and she said "I was just..." Yeah, you were just about to use the dryer I just spent several minutes disinfecting! Nope! She apologized and I said "that's fine" but she cannot have my dryer! So I put the clothes in the dryer and decided to run to the grocery store down the street to pick up a few things. The grocery store was an absolute zoo. Dozens and dozens of people inside and no restrictions on how many can be in the store. Face coverings are mandatory which is good, but no crowd control at all. I got almost all of what I needed (no razors!!!) and got out as fast as I could. Back to the laundromat. Parking lot was now full. Place was so busy that someone was waiting for me to leave so they could use my parking space. Again, got out as quick as I could. Annoying thing, I lost some socks. Those wall mounted clothes dryers don't stop spinning unless you open them at least 6 inches, which means things escape. And I sure wasn't going to put socks that fell on the floor into my clean clothes basket. Lots of juggling to get laundry and a bottle of milk and a bottle of water inside. Rest of the groceries are still in the trunk, but nothing is perishable.

    Ugh...lessons learned, get to the laundromat earlier and do not try to buy groceries on the same day I do laundry.

    Also lost 3 more pounds. I swear I've been eating better but I'm still losing weight. I've lost 18 pounds so far. I look ridiculously skinny.

  7. #116
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    Ugh I'm so sorry you went through this. I've had to stop multitasking too like trying to go to two stores even though they're only a block apart. Glad you are home!

  8. #117
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Thanks to Kamurj (mod) for changing the title. It makes more sense now...I think?

    Household chore day. I only went outside to move my car for the street sweeper and I'll be taking out the trash later. I know those sound trivial but to me they are major obstacles.

    Kind of disappointed in the "Care Coordinator" who was supposed to set up a doctor and therapist for me. She handed my case off to another employee who set me up with wrong kind of doctor (even though I specifically requested a certain specialist and the original coordinator agreed) and has done nothing to provide a referral to a therapist. Now I have to wait longer to see if they're going to fix their mistakes. I was hoping I actually was working with someone competent but those hopes got dashed. Why is incompetence not only rampant but expected these days??? If I performed that poorly I'd lose my job.

    Speaking of job, I logged on to my work laptop today and found that my position has been changed! They moved me to a role that I never wanted, didn't apply for and have zero interest in. I'll have to get with my manager to find out why they did that. I'm sure they'll tell me they moved me to where they need me, but I don't see how they can just move someone to a different job whenever they feel like it. If they won't change it I will step down as soon as I possibly can.

  9. #118
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I messaged my manager this afternoon. I'm supposed to be keeping in touch for when they decide they need me to report to work. I know he's super busy but I need him to give me some time to discuss how I was moved to another position without my knowledge or approval. I will ask to be stepped to another role because I vehemently am not interested in this other role. I'll take a cut in pay if I have to. But I am incensed.

  10. #119
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would be pissed too.

  11. #120
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So, today the anxiety seems a bit more manageable.

    I did decide to go back to the laundromat. I thought that would result in bad dreams and/or a lack of sleep, but I slept OK. I think I had one of my standard issue road trip dreams. I don't usually have those when the anxiety is spiking so that was good.

    I can't figure out how I can have done 4 loads of laundry this week and my dirty clothes hamper is still totally stuffed to the brim. When it was just me and one of my kids at home we only did 3 loads a week! And I by myself have 4-5 loads per week? I realize I am changing my outfits twice a day whenever I go out in public, so that must be why. I still have two full loads to do to be caught up. Grrrr…

    I'm going to ask my son and his spouse if we can do a "socially distant" walk this weekend. I was going to ask last weekend but I can't even remember why I didn't.

    This week just flew by for me. I thought the weeks would go slower while I am not going in to work but they're still flying by. I expect to be notified to report to work next week. I am trying to make peace with the fact that I will have to work closely with 150+ people in an enclosed building. The hardest thing to do besides trying to stay away from everyone and constantly wiping down my laptop, glasses and washing my hands is trying to eat at work. I won't buy from the vending machines since I saw the janitorial staff using the same dirty rag to wipe down all the machines and not even spraying each machine (gross). I won't use the communal refrigerators or the communal microwaves. I can use the one in the manager's conference room which is better than the one used by several hundred other employees. But it's a drag wiping everything down. And even though instructions went out to remove all the interior doors, some locations are refusing to do so. Not sure why that is. But rather than go through all that I was previously just eating very little. I do need to eat though, so I'll have to overcome that somehow.

    Speaking of eating very little, my weight is ridiculous currently. I wanted to get down to 128 lbs. I struggled and struggled and just could not get below 133. Well now I am 115 lbs. Of course due to my anxiety and depression. That is just too skinny. My clothes are either hanging on me or they just fall down. I need to gain back 10 lbs. It sounds nice when people say "Drink protein drinks!! Eat pizza!" Except I am lactose intolerant and can barely even force myself to go grocery shopping. I'm hoping my appetite comes back soon because I need to get those 10 lbs. back!

    Gloomy weather the past couple of days. Typical of beach communities. I hope I can start bringing myself to at least get out a bit to enjoy this beautiful city. I'll see how work goes, then maybe plan for some outdoor activities later on.

    Hope everyone will have a nice weekend!

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