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Thread: Can't get out

  1. #1
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    Can't get out

    I'll try and make this as short as I can. I just turned 45. I've had one sexual relationship that ended 21 years ago. I've been married for 11 years to my husband, but we have never had sex. I know. A few answers for the questions I know are coming: Why I don't want to: I work full time, and handle everything else, and I mean everything: cooking, cleaning, bills, shopping, planning, laundry, lunches, household decisions, financial decisions, home repair/upkeep, where we go, what we do, what we pay, kid rearing (when they were small, and no, none of them are biologically his and mine, I'll explain later if people need). All. He does work 40 hours like me, and that's it. I'm basically the man and the woman of the family. Why I couldn't, even if I wanted to: He was sexually abused by an aunt as a child, so the few times he showed any interest in sex when we were dating were epic fails. But, I saw different things in him, and looked past it, and have been just fine all these years without it. It was just never part of our daily life. Like, if I asked you if you have ever played Flonkerton, you'd say no. Do you sit and think about it? Feel like it's missing in your life? No. That's how it has been for me. Whatever.

    Recently, things have changed. I'm realizing that I'm normal, and I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex. I can't/don't want to with my husband, so I told him this about 2 years ago. Every time I bring up divorce, he cries, begs, says it will break him if I leave. He tells me stories about his childhood, how everyone left him. And here's the thing: They did. He is also a really good human being. He never hit, cheated, he never did anything to deserve being left behind. So, basically, my conscience won't let me pull the trigger, and I'm stuck. My youth is fading, my time is running out. I can't tell whether I'm entitled to leave and seek happiness, or if I'm a witch for wanting to. I want to rip this wax off and be done with it, but I'm not the one who has to deal with the pain.

    What would you do? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Venna
    I'll try and make this as short as I can. I just turned 45. I've had one sexual relationship that ended 21 years ago. I've been married for 11 years to my husband, but we have never had sex. I know. A few answers for the questions I know are coming: Why I don't want to: I work full time, and handle everything else, and I mean everything: cooking, cleaning, bills, shopping, planning, laundry, lunches, household decisions, financial decisions, home repair/upkeep, where we go, what we do, what we pay, kid rearing (when they were small, and no, none of them are biologically his and mine, I'll explain later if people need). All. He does work 40 hours like me, and that's it. I'm basically the man and the woman of the family. Why I couldn't, even if I wanted to: He was sexually abused by an aunt as a child, so the few times he showed any interest in sex when we were dating were epic fails. But, I saw different things in him, and looked past it, and have been just fine all these years without it. It was just never part of our daily life. Like, if I asked you if you have ever played Flonkerton, you'd say no. Do you sit and think about it? Feel like it's missing in your life? No. That's how it has been for me. Whatever.

    Recently, things have changed. I'm realizing that I'm normal, and I think I desire a regular relationship which includes sex. I can't/don't want to with my husband, so I told him this about 2 years ago. Every time I bring up divorce, he cries, begs, says it will break him if I leave. He tells me stories about his childhood, how everyone left him. And here's the thing: They did. He is also a really good human being. He never hit, cheated, he never did anything to deserve being left behind. So, basically, my conscience won't let me pull the trigger, and I'm stuck. My youth is fading, my time is running out. I can't tell whether I'm entitled to leave and seek happiness, or if I'm a witch for wanting to. I want to rip this wax off and be done with it, but I'm not the one who has to deal with the pain.

    What would you do?
    Yes. Please do.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    What would I do? I'd leave and I would have done it long before now. Let him cry or whine, but holy cow you deserve a life with someone who would have sex with you. Your husband should have had therapy years ago to get past what his aunt did to him.

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    Member Venna's Avatar
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    I have one son from the relationship I referenced, he had a non-biological son from a previous relationship, which didn't last because she left him to have sex with someone else, and we adopted a daughter. Now, they are 27, 22 and 21, but when we first got together they were 15, 10 and 9.

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  6. #5
    Member Venna's Avatar
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    Even with therapy, I have no desire with him. He isn't manly, I'm not attracted at all. Never been. So, even if he says I would destroy his life, he will die alone, all that.. you would still leave?

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    Originally Posted by Venna
    Even with therapy, I have no desire with him. He isn't manly, I'm not attracted at all. Never been. So, even if he says I would destroy his life, he will die alone, all that.. you would still leave?
    Honestly, yes. I would have been done a long time ago, actually.

    You cannot commit yourself to an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage because it's what he wants. Your needs and desires count too. He is better-suited to someone who is not sexual and is equally comfortable not having a sex life. His happiness is not your sole responsibility and it's not realistic to expect you to stay when such a fundamental part of your marriage is totally absent.

    I don't mean to sound unkind but he needs to take accountability for his own happiness and not make it your job.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask for an open relationship if this arrangement works for you. Is he straight?
    Originally Posted by Venna
    Every time I bring up divorce, he cries, begs, says it will break him if I leave. He tells me stories about his childhood, how everyone left him.

  9. #8
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    He had a choice to get help, long ago.

    You need to leave this situation. You never should have married the guy.

    Why doesn't he contribute around the home?

    I also suggest dealing with your co dependence through therapy.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Venna
    Even with therapy, I have no desire with him. He isn't manly, I'm not attracted at all. Never been. So, even if he says I would destroy his life, he will die alone, all that.. you would still leave?
    This is manipulative. He will lose his mommy, maid, bookkeeper and landscaper.

    You have allowed too much, for too long.

    He will survive and may actually grow up.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Venna
    Even with therapy, I have no desire with him. He isn't manly, I'm not attracted at all. Never been. So, even if he says I would destroy his life, he will die alone, all that.. you would still leave?
    ....I mean why did you marry him then, let alone build a life together and raise kids together. You are painting him as this terrible person, but your life history doesn't support your story. It sounds more like you are trying to make him out to be terrible to justify leaving what suited you just fine for years by your own choice.

    Here is the thing - you don't need to vilify him at all.

    If all you really want is sex, then have an open marriage. Since he won't have it with you, he should be understanding of your needs. Not like you'll be putting his health at risk by sleeping around with other men. Anyway, that's an option.

    If you totally want out, then be kind and just file for divorce. Don't vilify him, don't play up yourself as some super martyr, don't cause fights. In short, don't be cruel. Ending a marriage because its run its course is a valid reason and the only reason you need. Yes, you will hurt him and there is no way around that. That's how break ups work. It doesn't make you a bad person as long as you do it in a straightforward manner and without vilifying your partner.

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