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Thread: Domestic violence? Is this a no-no?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    May 2020

    Domestic violence? Is this a no-no?

    Hi all,

    So I want to share my personal relationship story. I am seeking some re-assurance/opinions/advice from people here on this, please be as honest as you can.

    I am male, age 30, live in Sydney Australia.

    So, for the last approx. 8 months I have been in a relationship with this guy (same-sex relationship). We met and hit it off right-away. The relationship moved quite fast and we progressively spent more and more time together. There was never any intervals when we didn't see each other for more 3 days. It was very passionate between us and unlike the stereotype with most gay relationships ours was not sex-obsessed and based. Sure we had sex and fun like that, but we connected very strongly on a mental and emotional level as well. I remember on one occasion I had a stomach-ache and couldn't sleep. He stayed up all night worrying about me, making me tea and then another tea, and then wiping my head with a wet towel - stayed up all night worrying about me. We went travelling together and had a really good time and memories. To be honest I never had a relationship that went for this long. I started to picture a life together with him (and sometimes I still do). We moved in together about 4 months after we met.

    Despite all that, the thing with my partner (or ex-partner) is that he has a problem with anger management and can lose it quite quickly. He also gets excessively jealous of me when I have my attention on someone else like if I text anyone else for a length of time even friends of mine that are not gay. These were always the source of our problems but we both tried to work and compromise together. On a couple of occasions he jabbed me, slapped me on the face and pulled my ears quite hard.

    My partner (or ex-partner) is from overseas and in Australia on temporary visa. A couple of months ago I decided that we probably needed to re-evaluate our relationship, maybe spend some time apart or end it. I brought up this conversation with him on the morning of the day he was meant to fly back to his home country for a visit. I figured if we break up on that day he can just pack up everything and leave for his home country and not having to relocate somewhere else.

    But he did not take it well at all. He completely lost his temper, said to me 'How dare you leave me?' and 'You have no right to break up with me as I have based all my life plans around you now'. He got violent with me, grabbed one of those old-fashioned wooden coat-hangers and whacked me hard with it several times on my legs, torso, arms and back he hit me quite hard he even broke the hanger which was quite thick. Anyway it was not anything life threatening a few bruises and red marks which all healed within a week.

    So he's been back in his home country for the last 3 months, however since then I have re-engaged with him over video and app messenger, and kinda gotten back with him (but I am not sure mentally). He has repeatedly apologised for what he did to me and cries a river when I bring up the subject because of how sorry he is.

    He intends to come back to Australia on a new visa to continue the relationship with me.
    The thing is that the idea of him coming back to Australia and being around him scares me and fills me with dread and anxiety. I'm fine to talk to him virtually but physically being with him I feel very nervous about that.

    I am bigger than him physically and could have fought back last time but I didn't, I decided to it was better to de-escalate the situation. But despite this, I am still very concerned that he has violent tendencies like this. My concern is what if next time he has a knife in front of him and stabs me or something like that I don't think he intends to do it but he completely loses it when he gets angry.

    This really concerns me. Part of me thinks that maybe he's become more mature since then and I've seen some fruits of that but then again I'm observing this virtually, if I'm in his presence again he may revert back to his old self.

    I suppose my questions are, are my fears warranted? Could this relationship be salvageable? And/or should I just completely forget about him (which is much easier said than done)? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Welcome to ENA. That relationship sounds very scary. I am sorry. I don't think you should continue it. If he's gotten violent like this, it's best to break it off. This is often what happens in abusive relationships - they can be very nice and charming but they can also be vicious. I am not based in australia but I think it would be a good idea to contact a domestic violence hotline and perhaps they can give you tips on how to leave him. Please be very careful. It is good that he is back in his home country, but it is scary that he said that you have no right to break up with him as he has made his plans around you. That's scary. You're your own person, you are not his possession. You can call off the relationship at any time, I am concerned for you how angry he got. And like you said, what if he had a knife close to him instead of a coat hanger??? yikes.

    hugs. Hang in there, please call a domestic abuse hotline.

  3. #3
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Originally Posted by Essendon
    He got violent with me, grabbed one of those old-fashioned wooden coat-hangers and whacked me hard with it several times on my legs, torso, arms and back he hit me quite hard he even broke the hanger which was quite thick. Anyway it was not anything life threatening a few bruises and red marks which all healed within a week.
    Bruises, red marks and being whacked quite hard several times with a wooden coat-hanger are signs of violence. Violence is not acceptable!!

    Stay away from this guy, stop all contact with him and protect yourself!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Omg I don"t know you but feel so bad for what happened to you...
    " just a few bruises ... that healed in a week" ?? How come you care so little about your wellbeing and your safety? Of course you feel scared and anxious to see him: That"s the smart , healthy part of you screaming for your attention. It's your gut feeling , trying to protect you. I hope you are going to listen to that part of you...

    When someone disrespect you and attacks you like he did, it shows you that this is the way they function in life. Those behaviors don't change in a few months or even years.
    He assaulted you, you didn't fight back. You did the opposite: you forgave him and abandoned your idea of breaking up with him. So now he knows that physical violence works with you. It will happen again. Read on the cycle of physical violence. The abuser cries , buy gifts and calm down ...until the other person does something to upset him again...

    Don't feel guilty about wanting to break up him. Sure you will miss part of him but this guy is not relationship material. I hope you won't let him come back to your house. You are not his therapist. It's not your job to teach him how to be respectful.
    Your job is to protect your self and do what you need to make you happy.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    I agree with the others. Please take care of yourself. There are also resources out there - try looking for resources in your local neighbourhood for domestic violence and breaking the cycle. If you've witnessed or been around physical and mental abuse before in your life, you may have been conditioned at some point into believing it's normal. The short period you were with this person may have already conditioned you. Don't stand for this. Be strong. Start forming new ways of doing things and seek local help and a support group even if you don't have access to therapy or other help.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    This guy is dangerous. He will not change.

    What do your friends and family say? Would you want the same for one of your friends or siblings?

    Have you been in other abusive relationships, as you are questioning the behavior and reconciliation?

    You need to cut him off permanently. Stop the contact and block him.

    Contact an abuse hotline. When the shutdown lifts, I highly recommend counseling.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Irrespective of whatever gender relationship one is in, violence and abuse is never acceptable.
    Sometimes we put up with it for a number of reasons however you just can't tolerate it.
    You need to cut all ties with this person, he sounds horrible, get rid of him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Originally Posted by greendots
    Bruises, red marks and being whacked quite hard several times with a wooden coat-hanger are signs of violence. Violence is not acceptable!!
    And not even just signs of violence - this is violence.

    Greendots (and everyone else here) is right. This man is dangerous to you. He's an abuser, full-stop, and you can bet it will not get better if you reconcile. It will get worse as he attempts to isolate and control you even more. The tears are manipulative, meant to make you feel sorry for him so he can get you back under his thumb. Don't buy it. He sure didn't care when he was beating you, did he?

    Stay the hell away from him. Look into some resources for yourself to help strengthen your own boundaries so you run from this behaviour at the first sign of it in the future. You deserve to be loved, and well, this ain't love.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Yes this is violence, yes this is abusive.

    Cut this guy out your life completely. Leave and never look back. Block on everything.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Is it a no-no? Why are you doing this unless it's some weird twist on a BDSM situation?

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