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Thread: To write an apology or not.

  1. #1
    Member JakeJakerson's Avatar
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    To write an apology or not.

    It's been roughly 6 months since my breakup with my ex of 4 years. There is still a lot I feel I've left unsaid and wonder if it would be okay of me to send a message/email/letter of apology. She is in a relationship and the apology is NOT for reconciliation. I just want to take responsibility for my actions that I've realized through constant thinking in isolation were not right or considerate of me. I've learned I need to change certain aspects of myself to make the next relationship work, and I feel the first step is this but I'm unsure. I expect no reply from her which is fine.

  2. #2
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    Hmmm, this is a tough one. I suppose you could write a letter to lessen the burden of guilt (or whatever else it might be) that you feel. Four years is a long time. She might feel better knowing that you are taking responsibility for your actions, for whatever it's worth.

    Better still, why not write a letter and get your thoughts down on paper (do NOT send it). Let it sit for a while (perhaps a couple of weeks or so) and then read it, and see how you feel.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Out of respect for her new boyfriend and her new relationship with him, you should leave well enough alone. You had your chance and you messed up the first time. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give you second chances to demonstrate remorse and regrets. What's done is done and if you truly cared for her, you would leave her alone, let her heal, recover and move on without you. When you contact her, you'll only dredge up painful memories while she is truly trying to move on without any contact from you whatsoever.

    Writing to her will only mess with her head. Don't become an unnecessary distraction. If you're truly remorseful, regretful and care for her, let her live her life WITHOUT you nor any reminders of you. Give her permanent space, time and respect. Allow her to enjoy her new life with her new boyfriend and new relationship. Stay out of her life. Act like a classy gentleman and yield graciously. Exercise discretion.

    I've had people from my past who've tested me sorely to the point of being so mean and cruel. If they were to apologize to me now, it wouldn't make any difference. Sure, a small part of me would accept their apology if it were sincere but in order for me to really heal and recover from that type of hurt, pain, anguish, turmoil and distress they had caused me, I really don't want anything to do with them anymore for the rest of my life. I want to leave the past behind and walk away from it. I don't want the past to continue to haunt me and this is what you would be doing should you contact your ex-girlfriend now. I don't wish to be bothered. Your ex-girlfriend doesn't want to be bothered so don't bother her.

    I say leave her alone. All you can do is become a better man for your next relationship. Learn from your past mistakes and then realize your previous relationship was not all in vain. Harsh lessons were learned for you. This will be your key takeaway.

    If you decide to write a sincere, very remorseful apology to her, be prepared for any scenario. She could either reply in a civil manner or act passive aggressively by ignoring, ghosting, blocking and deleting you. Keep your apology brief and after that, no more. Don't go back 'n forth with texting (or emailing). Bow out and make your PERMANENT exit diplomatically and politely from correspondence. It's more for your conscience and closure.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Out of respect for her new boyfriend and her new relationship with him, you should leave well enough alone. You had your chance and you messed up the first time. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give you second chances to demonstrate remorse and regrets. What's done is done and if you truly cared for her, you would leave her alone, let her heal, recover and move on without you. When you contact her, you'll only dredge up painful memories while she is truly trying to move on without any contact from you whatsoever.

    Writing to her will only mess with her head. Don't become an unnecessary distraction. If you're truly remorseful, regretful and care for her, let her live her life WITHOUT you nor any reminders of you. Give her permanent space, time and respect. Allow her to enjoy her new life with her new boyfriend and new relationship. Stay out of her life. Act like a classy gentleman and yield graciously. Exercise discretion.

    I've had people from my past who've tested me sorely to the point of being so mean and cruel. If they were to apologize to me now, it wouldn't make any difference. Sure, a small part of me would accept their apology if it were sincere but in order for me to really heal and recover from that type of hurt, pain, anguish, turmoil and distress they had caused me, I really don't want anything to do with them anymore for the rest of my life. I want to leave the past behind and walk away from it. I don't want the past to continue to haunt me and this is what you would be doing should you contact your ex-girlfriend now. I don't wish to be bothered. Your ex-girlfriend doesn't want to be bothered so don't bother her.

    I say leave her alone. All you can do is become a better man for your next relationship. Learn from your past mistakes and then realize your previous relationship was not all in vain. Harsh lessons were learned for you. This will be your key takeaway.
    I totally get how you feel, Cherylyn, but personally, I would love for my ex to send me an apology of some sort (he wanted a divorce). I believe, in my case, it would bring me closure. I don't want anything to do with him anymore either, unless it's something to do with my kids. I'd be OK if I never saw him again but I sincerely would feel better if he sent an apology.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    You knew your ex to some degree. Do you think the gesture would be something that brought her peace? Or are you trying to find a way to worm your way back into her head, because there is some amount of jealousy that she is with someone new? if you're doing it for you, I agree with Cherylyn. I would leave it well alone and focus on forgiving yourself, moving on, and doing better next time. Your ex will find her own peace and closure, and possibly already has. The damage is done and the risk of doing more damage with the action is not worth whatever potential benefits could occur.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    She's pregnant, expecting a baby with her boyfriend. I really don't think she would welcome an "apology" letter.

    Usually when someone would welcome such a letter it's because they still have feelings (i.e., are still in love with) their ex. Those who have moved on generally don't want letters and wouldn't respond.

  8. #7
    Member JakeJakerson's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Hmmm, this is a tough one. I suppose you could write a letter to lessen the burden of guilt (or whatever else it might be) that you feel. Four years is a long time. She might feel better knowing that you are taking responsibility for your actions, for whatever it's worth.

    Better still, why not write a letter and get your thoughts down on paper (do NOT send it). Let it sit for a while (perhaps a couple of weeks or so) and then read it, and see how you feel.
    Your first statement was my first thought. I've also written a letter a couple months ago though reading it now makes it feel too lengthy and distasteful.


    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Out of respect for her new boyfriend and her new relationship with him, you should leave well enough alone. You had your chance and you messed up the first time ... When you contact her, you'll only dredge up painful memories while she is truly trying to move on without any contact from you whatsoever.

    I've had people from my past who've tested me sorely to the point of being so mean and cruel.

    Learn from your past mistakes and then realize your previous relationship was not all in vain. Harsh lessons were learned for you. This will be your key takeaway.

    If you decide to write a sincere, very remorseful apology to her, be prepared for any scenario. Bow out and make your PERMANENT exit diplomatically and politely from correspondence. It's more for your conscience and closure.
    I think you're right about bringing up painful memories, good and bad. Although I don't think what I did was so mean or cruel, she might see it as such. I'm doing my best to take the relationship as a lesson, it's just left me really unsure of a lot. The plan was to write a letter to finalize my feelings of remorse as I truly do care for her a lot, but as you and others have said, I need to let her be happy without me because that's the decision she made.

    Originally Posted by SGH
    Do you think the gesture would be something that brought her peace? Or are you trying to find a way to worm your way back into her head, because there is some amount of jealousy that she is with someone new? if you're doing it for you, I agree with Cherylyn. I would leave it well alone and focus on forgiving yourself, moving on, and doing better next time. Your ex will find her own peace and closure, and possibly already has. The damage is done and the risk of doing more damage with the action is not worth whatever potential benefits could occur.
    I also think Cherylyn is right. I'm not at all trying to worm my way back into her head, I just wanted to apologize for my wrong doings, to let her know she wasn't in the wrong, for whatever that's worth. I'm not trying to be selfish, but maybe that's what I'm being.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    She's pregnant, expecting a baby with her boyfriend. I really don't think she would welcome an "apology" letter.

    Usually when someone would welcome such a letter it's because they still have feelings (i.e., are still in love with) their ex. Those who have moved on generally don't want letters and wouldn't respond.
    I see your point. I'll leave her alone.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You seem pretty insightful. As others have pointed out, it depends on what your intention is.

    Is it merely an attempt to make yourself feel better? If so, that's on you to work through. Write the letter, but dont send it.

    Unless you can say with complete certainty that your letter and apology would be welcomed, don't send it.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    If you owe her money then pay it back. If you caused some other actual harm to her and never took responsibility then you can own it and offer to make it right. Otherwise just let go man.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Dont do it. It wont result in anything good. Leave her alone, she's got a new guy, dont cause trouble or problems where none are needed or wanted.

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