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Thread: To write an apology or not.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JakeJakerson

    I think you're right about bringing up painful memories, good and bad. Although I don't think what I did was so mean or cruel, she might see it as such. I'm doing my best to take the relationship as a lesson, it's just left me really unsure of a lot. The plan was to write a letter to finalize my feelings of remorse as I truly do care for her a lot, but as you and others have said, I need to let her be happy without me because that's the decision she made.

    I also think Cherylyn is right. I'm not at all trying to worm my way back into her head, I just wanted to apologize for my wrong doings, to let her know she wasn't in the wrong, for whatever that's worth. I'm not trying to be selfish, but maybe that's what I'm being.



    I see your point. I'll leave her alone.
    Your heart is in the right place, you have a conscience and you feel remorseful which I commend you for. A lot of men or people regardless of gender have zero conscience, they're in denial nor would they ever care to apologize in a million years. You are the former and not the latter. I laud you for your integrity. However, there is a time and place for it and this is not the time nor place for it.

    If you wrote to her, you will indeed be worming back into her head and would you want to cause unnecessary drama in her life while she is pregnant and about to become a new mother? Don't disrupt her life by reentering it where you're not welcome. Respect her new life even though you want the last word.

    Take your remorseful feelings and apply them to how you will intelligently navigate your future interactions or relationship. You are intelligent for leaving her alone. Respect and honor her from afar. When you do this, everyone can heal and move forward. Best to you, JakeJakerson.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 05-15-2020 at 12:28 AM.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    I totally get how you feel, Cherylyn, but personally, I would love for my ex to send me an apology of some sort (he wanted a divorce). I believe, in my case, it would bring me closure. I don't want anything to do with him anymore either, unless it's something to do with my kids. I'd be OK if I never saw him again but I sincerely would feel better if he sent an apology.
    I respect how you feel and what your personal preference is, goddess.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Write but don't send it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JakeJakerson
    It's been roughly 6 months since my breakup with my ex of 4 years. There is still a lot I feel I've left unsaid and wonder if it would be okay of me to send a message/email/letter of apology. She is in a relationship and the apology is NOT for reconciliation. I just want to take responsibility for my actions that I've realized through constant thinking in isolation were not right or considerate of me. I've learned I need to change certain aspects of myself to make the next relationship work, and I feel the first step is this but I'm unsure. I expect no reply from her which is fine.
    I'd let it go. Another way of accepting and taking responsibility for your actions is in understanding that your actions have an effect on others. Sending someone who's moved on with another person in another relationship a letter isn't fair to the other person or their partner. I feel this would be a test in what you've just learned.

    You can take that apology in your heart and turn it into good actions and good thoughts towards new people you meet. Turn the sadness you feel into something positive and recycle that emotion or feeling of unfinished business. I think the kindest thing you can do is move forwards yourself and live your life well.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Any unfinished business, unresolved feelings etc are yours to sort out, not something to inflict on her. Journalling, therapy, talking to trusted friends, family, etc and starting to date again would help you move forward a lot more than sending a letter.

    Of course it will keep you wondering. Did she get it? Will she respond? How will she respond? Will she show it to her bf? Will they laugh at it? Will she get a restraining or cease and desist order?
    Originally Posted by JakeJakerson
    There is still a lot I feel I've left unsaid and wonder if it would be okay of me to send a message/email/letter of apology. She is in a relationship
    There is a thread specifically for this feeling: "Post here instead of contacting your ex!"

    [Register to see the link]

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I respect how you feel and what your personal preference is, goddess.
    Thank you, Cherylyn. Enjoy your weekend, and stay safe.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Write but don't send it.
    I completely agree with Wiseman. Writing and not sending it will help to alleviate your guilt/wrongdoings/ misconduct.

  9. #18
    Member JakeJakerson's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your replies.

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Unless you can say with complete certainty that your letter and apology would be welcomed, don't send it.
    I can't say that it would be welcomed. I will write, but I won't send it.

    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    If you caused some other actual harm to her and never took responsibility then you can own it and offer to make it right. Otherwise just let go man.
    I would think that emotional harm is actual, but I can't say that it's enough to warrant sending anything to offer to make it right. I'm trying to let it go, and I thank you for replying to another one of my threads. I've thought a lot about what you've told me before but it still hurts like a . Mornings are the worst but I force myself up and go for a walk, no matter the weather.

    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Dont do it. It wont result in anything good. Leave her alone, she's got a new guy, dont cause trouble or problems where none are needed or wanted.
    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    If you wrote to her, you will indeed be worming back into her head and would you want to cause unnecessary drama in her life ... Don't disrupt her life by reentering it where you're not welcome.

    Take your remorseful feelings and apply them to how you will intelligently navigate your future interactions or relationship ... respect and honor her from afar.
    I guess I didn't see it as disruptive or unwanted at the time of making this thread. I've always felt that apologies were wanted when one did something to hurt another, physically or emotionally. I see both of your points. It may have been wanted before I realized my actions were flawed, but I'm sure it's not wanted anymore.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'd let it go. Another way of accepting and taking responsibility for your actions is in understanding that your actions have an effect on others. Sending someone who's moved on with another person in another relationship a letter isn't fair to the other person or their partner. I feel this would be a test in what you've just learned.

    You can take that apology in your heart and turn it into good actions and good thoughts towards new people you meet. Turn the sadness you feel into something positive and recycle that emotion or feeling of unfinished business. I think the kindest thing you can do is move forwards yourself and live your life well.
    You're right, it wouldn't be fair of me to come between two people who are trying to make it work when it didn't for me. The apology has been written, and as much as I would like to give it to her, I'll keep it to myself and move forward knowing my mistakes and use them to become the person I want and know I can be. Will probably still be making posts though, just not about the ex.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Any unfinished business, unresolved feelings etc are yours to sort out, not something to inflict on her. Journalling, therapy, talking to trusted friends, family, etc and starting to date again would help you move forward a lot more than sending a letter.

    Of course it will keep you wondering. Did she get it? Will she respond? How will she respond? Will she show it to her bf? Will they laugh at it? Will she get a restraining or cease and desist order?

    There is a thread specifically for this feeling: "Post here instead of contacting your ex!"

    [Register to see the link]
    I've been talking to friends and family, it's just to the point that no one knows what to say because everything has been said. I'm doing my best to let it go, it's definitely not an easy feat as many already know. I wish I could flip the switch and just be done with it, but I wouldn't learn anything if I was able to do that. If I did send it, you're right, it would be something else that would keep me chained to the past by wondering those many questions.

    I used the thread you posted. Writing or typing my thoughts doesn't seem to really help long term, but in the moment I guess it was therapeutic.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Thank you, Cherylyn. Enjoy your weekend, and stay safe.
    Thank you, you too, goddess.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JakeJakerson
    Thank you all for your replies.

    I guess I didn't see it as disruptive or unwanted at the time of making this thread. I've always felt that apologies were wanted when one did something to hurt another, physically or emotionally. I see both of your points. It may have been wanted before I realized my actions were flawed, but I'm sure it's not wanted anymore.

    You're very welcome, JakeJakerson. I am like you in many ways. I too feel remorseful regarding how in my case, a previous very close friendship with an extended family member went awry. I take ownership and responsibility for not handling it better. I could've chosen my words more wisely, I could've not reacted so harshly during a heated argument and both of our emotions clouded our judgements. People who have a conscience have regrets and remorse.

    Note that other people can very much be in denial mode and would never admit to their wrongdoing but that's okay because it's to be expected. No surprise there.

    I actually sent a sincerely apologetic email to a cousin who resides 400 miles away from me and she didn't mention whether or not she accepted my apology. She didn't acknowledge whatever I wrote which was disappointing. She told me that she "doesn't have any issues" with me and let me know that she has since moved forward without me in her life. I've accepted her decision and after thinking about it, it was for the best since her personality and character along with her husband are too immoral and worldly for my liking. She and her husband use people. They are sociopaths. We do not share the same integrity values which is problematic.

    In hindsight, I should've have sent her an apologetic letter. I shouldn't have groveled since it's actually SHE and her husband who owed an apology to my husband and me due to their transgressions which caused the original ire for us in the first place.

    It's best to let sleeping dogs lie meaning don't live in the past. What's done is done and all you can do is become wiser and handle your future interactions and dynamics more intelligently and peacefully. The only way to heal is to leave everyone alone so you and her can start completely anew.

    Don't reenter the picture after relationships are over and done with. You're wasting your time and energy.

    Give her the courtesy and let her enjoy her impending motherhood without you as her distraction which would be disrespectful and inconsiderate.

    Do some soul searching and work on yourself. This is how wisdom is gained and you won't make the same mistake twice. Live and learn the hard way.

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