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Thread: Should I dump her? Is this salvageable?

  1. #1

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    Should I dump her? Is this salvageable?

    Hi guys, i've read this forum over the years but never registered. I think many years ago I found it after being dumped.

    Anyway, I'll try to keep this short and not waffle on endlessly. 7 months ago I met a girl, we slept together quite early on. Well very early on, after our GREAT first date which included dinner followed by bar hoping for drinks. We had so much fun an absolute awesome night.

    We were both quickly infatuated with each other. I remember thinking within the first month "I'm going to marry this girl" at 37. After being a bit of a playboy I thought finally, I have met someone I really like. I have not felt like this is a LONG time. She's a foreigner and recently awarded new residency in my country.

    She invited me to travel with her to her country at Christmas and meet her family. We spent 3 weeks with her parents who were awesome too and looked after like I was their own son.

    This girl is kind, caring and considerate but over the last few months I find myself without explanation losing interest. I'm annoyed (at myself), it's like it's beyond my control. I don't want to lose interest but it's as if my brain chemistry is doing it's own thing, all the 'feel good' chemicals that rush around us when we're in love are virtually gone.

    A while back she told me she loved me and I reciprocated, but ever since I said that I felt like I have lied to her and myself. Now I cringe everytime she says it to me, because I feel obligated to say it back.

    I'm scared if I let her go I'll regret it, but at the same time I feel guilty holding her back from meeting someone who is more deserving of her love. I think I do love her, but perhaps I'm not in love. Aghhh I just don't know what I should do, finally I meet someone so kind hearted and my logical side says "lock her down" girls like this are hard to come by. But my emotional side says "shes not the one".

    I think whats killed it for me is despite being great, I find her boring. I'm career driven and obsessed with success, where she is happy to chill and watch netflix and it irritates me that she has a low drive to better herself. I feel like I'm at the drivers seat of my life and shes just a passenger in life.

    I'm in books, at the gym and always up-skilling. She is all about TV shows, what shes going to eat next and concerning herself with celebrity nonsense. But maybe one of us needs to be like this? Perhaps her laid back style would be perfect in a mother.

    Anyway love to hear some peoples opinions. I'm a little stressed as I'd like a family and at 37 (soon to be 38) time is ticking (for both of us!)

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    The honeymoon period has passed, and the stars have fallen out of your eyes. It's as simple as that.

    If you're having these feelings about her being boring, it's clear that you don't have enough in common to make a meaningful relationship and future.

    Stop worrying about getting married and having a family. Take your time, get to know someone, and see if you can find a girl who is right for you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This is a lesson for everyone to learn that there is infatuation and than there is love. Infatuation feels quite strong, and it often is mistaken for love. It happens at the beginning of meeting someone. Everything seems perfect, you are head over heels and can see yourself being with them forever.

    But infatuation is fleeting and not based on hardly anything. You can't be sure of your feelings for someone until you've been together minimum 6 months, for some, closer to a year.
    Only then will you know for sure if what you're feeling is truly love. Love is much stronger, much deeper and long lasting.

    Love doesn't happen overnight.

    You had a case of infatuation and now it's drifted off. You won't be able to get it back. She might have all sorts of good sides to her, but if you see even one side that is unattractive enough to be a deal breaker, then it's a loss.

    Do yourself a favor and do her a favor and end things. You used the word boring when it came to her, that's the end. Really, there is no way you can make this work when you're feeling that way.

    Let her go. She deserves to find someone who doesn't see her boring at all. And you deserve to find someone who doesn't make you yawn.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm a little stressed as I'd like a family and at 37 (soon to be 38)
    That's desperation talking. Don't settle just because of your age. You will end up very unhappy and so will she.

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  6. #5
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    Sorry, but you are not compatible. I think that the kindest thing, would be to end the relationship.

  7. #6

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    Thank you ladies for the responses. All good points that I will consider seriously over the coming days.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I think these moments are typical at the 7 month period.
    How long have you been 2nd guessing this?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by studio
    I'm a little stressed as I'd like a family and at 37 (soon to be 38) time is ticking (for both of us!)
    Every day you spend staying with someone when your heart isn't in it is a day that's stopping both of you from finding more compatible partners. Do you realise, though, that if you do meet "the one" and have kids, your self-acknowledged obsession with career and success could well cause problems? If you have a wife at home with a young child she'll need help from you and she may well feel stressed at giving up her career while you continue yours, plus you may find yourself frustrated at being unable to go to the gym and up-skilling as much as you currently do.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't string anyone along . You don't love her, it's that simple. If you want a family find a woman you care about, not just a child-bearer.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Infatuation has worn off, but love and respect didn't develop. Not only are you not in love, you really don't seem to respect her and who she is at all. You like some things on paper, but ultimately, you don't click when it comes to certain important things. So that's a recipe for a destructive, toxic combination if you continue on with her. You will resent her and who she is more and more and things will get ugly between you. Don't let desperation of "I'm this old, I need to...." force you into bad decisions. You'd just be setting yourself up for misery and an expensive divorce down the road.


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