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Thread: Just don't know how to get over this

  1. #1
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    Just don't know how to get over this

    Short version....My now ex boyfriend dumped me at 3am via text out of the blue saying he was "couldn't maintain a relationship" anymore. I tried to get answers but he had been depressed for a few weeks and somehow came to this decision after we had been better and closer than ever, and when I asked what triggered it he would only say "my depression" and when I asked him to open up a little more he said "because i can't open up to you i just don't see a future".
    He wouldn't answer a phone call to talk about it, and barely answered texts. He said "you didn't do anything wrong, I just think this is the best thing". I genuinely don't know what happened and it's been eating away at me for about 6 weeks now.

    He initially said he wanted to stay friendly and maybe get a drink after quarantine. Our last message was the day after he dumped me, when I said I wasn't mad and if he needed someone to talk to he could call me (bc I was torn between upset and worried about him). He responded with a heart emoji and said "I really really appreciate you saying that, thank you."

    Like I said, it's been 6 weeks now with no contact. Yesterday afternoon I texted him, just saying I still don't really understand what happened, and asked if he could explain. He hasn't answered. I don't know that he will.

    I'm just heartbroken. Things were really so good up until quarantine started and I don't understand what happened. He's always been the sweet, caring type who did the little things that made you feel loved. And I've never opened up to someone more and showed him all the love I had to give. There were no fights, no lead up to the end, it just came out of nowhere. I just want the truth so I can fit the puzzle pieces together and move on. Right now I just can't get out of the spiral of thinking that this just doesn't make sense and I must have missed something. If he could just say he suddenly didn't love me anymore, I can understand that because I've been there, but he wouldn't say he didn't have feelings and he has just cut me out of his life completely for reasons I don't understand and he won't even attempt to explain.

    How can someone who loves you and puts in that much time in building something together just cut you out of their life one day? Those bonds are so hard to come by, it just seems like such a waste ...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Really sorry to hear about this. Hard at any time, and especially hard during these hard times.

    While I understand the desire for a clearer explanation from him, going by what you've written he's already offered that, in words and in actions. "I can't open up to you" and "I just don't see a future" are not ambiguous statements open to interpretation, particularly when they're coming in a breakup and followed up by silence. They are very bitter pills to swallow—the bitterest, really—and I think what you're experiencing right now, in ways, is those pills being stuck in the throat. I'd try to see it like that, in your shoes, and accept that it's going to take time, rather than something else from him, that's going to get them down. Time and support from loved ones, from those who are still very much there for you.

    Think of it like this: Let's say the house I'm sitting in right now, which feels quite sturdy, collapses later today while I'm out grocery shopping. Was it an electrical fire, or was it foundation rot? Was it an earthquake, or something to do with the roots of that one tree that always seemed a bit weird? An issue with the flooring, or the roofing? I'd ask these questions, but even if I could get a definitive answer? It wouldn't change the fact that the house I thought was sturdy was now uninhabitable—and that the critical goal of my life would be accepting that, and figuring out a way to find shelter again.

    What's clear here is that your story of your relationship, and the strength of your bond, is not the same as his story. At some point, for some reason, those narratives diverged. You can, and probably will, spin around trying to make heads or tails out of all that, but I think a lot of that very human spinning is a way to either dodge or slowly accept the indisputable truth of two stories that no longer line up.

    The sum of ex, in the end, is always greater than why.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....he is telling you the truth. That it is about him, his depression, his issues and whatever it is that he is or isn't feeling. Either way, the biggest truth that he is telling you is that he cannot continue this relationship.

    Relationships don't always end because of fighting or major issues. Sometimes they end like this - because one person isn't feeling whatever it is they need to feel to carry on the relationship. It hurts, but you've got to start accepting his words at face value. I'm sorry and hugs to you.

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    Thanks for the kind reply.

    That's the thing, I was careful with this relationship, making sure I kept checking my assumptions against reality. I've been burned before, only realizing afterwards that I had let my expectations and hopes run away with things when the other person wasn't on the same page. I didn't hold back my love, but I tried to make sure I wasn't creating illusions. I let him say he wanted things to be exclusive, I let him say he loved me first, if he needed space I'd let him take it. Two weeks before quarantine he had texted me out of the blue apologizing we hadn't been able to see each other that weekend and said he had booked us a hotel on the coast so we could go away for the weekend. The trip was great. He planned it out and wouldn't even let me help pay for the room. He'd always say that he loved being with me and that our relationship just felt so easy. Even the date just before he broke up with me, he had asked me what age I would want to be to have kids. He'd always bring up stuff like that of his own accord, "My mom asked how serious we were and if we were getting married", "I think you'd be a great mom", etc. It seemed like we wanted the same things, so I don't understand where the "paths diverged".

    It just feels like by not giving me the dignity of a simple discussion he somehow lost all respect for me and all the time we had spent together for no apparent reason than "depression". His statements that he "couldn't open up to me" and "couldn't see a future" were basically repeated from my question. I said something like "I try to get you to open up to me when you're upset but it seems like you just shut down. If it's just that i'm not someone you see a future with fine, but don't give me 'it's not you, it's me'". He just repeated me instead of giving his own explanation, I think it was more of a convenient excuse (I should have just let him come up with his own explanation, but I was upset and searching for reasons)

    Also, unfortunately, if the house collapsed around me, I wouldn't be able to sleep until I knew why because I'd need to know what went wrong.

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    Thanks everyone

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well....he is telling you the truth. That it is about him, his depression, his issues and whatever it is that he is or isn't feeling. Either way, the biggest truth that he is telling you is that he cannot continue this relationship.

    Relationships don't always end because of fighting or major issues. Sometimes they end like this - because one person isn't feeling whatever it is they need to feel to carry on the relationship. It hurts, but you've got to start accepting his words at face value. I'm sorry and hugs to you.
    Thanks. What I don't understand is that if the answer is simply his depression and issues he's facing, how did that translate into me not even deserving a discussion so that I don't have to hurt so much? I've never had someone cut things off so brutally and without explanation before. Typically, you try to give the people you love what they need to feel ok, even if you can't solve the problem you try to ease the pain a little.
    It feels like somehow he just decided I didn't matter at all anymore, not even as a friend or someone he cared about.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BonnieBurst
    Thanks. What I don't understand is that if the answer is simply his depression and issues he's facing, how did that translate into me not even deserving a discussion so that I don't have to hurt so much? I've never had someone cut things off so brutally and without explanation before. Typically, you try to give the people you love what they need to feel ok, even if you can't solve the problem you try to ease the pain a little.
    It feels like somehow he just decided I didn't matter at all anymore, not even as a friend or someone he cared about.
    But he is not emotionally healthy enough to support himself let alone you. You keep saying that he didn't explain, but he did explain very clearly. The only thing he denied you is an argument. He made the decision to end things and he didn't open up that decision to a debate. That's actually a normal way to end relationships. It's a decision not a discussion. Once you decide to pull the trigger, you just do it. It doesn't feel like it now, but honestly, a clean break lets you heal and move on faster in the end. Dragging things out....I mean what more can he possibly say to you? Also, people do not stay friends with ex's. It's not healthy. You both need to heal and move on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Hearing you, feeling you.

    However careful we are, however mindful and intentional, there is no way to remove the fact that all relationships are a risky proposition. We can never "really" know what the other person is thinking, and feeling—or, even, what we are thinking and feeling, every day, every second. The strength and magic comes from all that fragility, but fragility is fragility. The dice is always rolling.

    You are hurt right now, and hurting, understandably. When I hear you using certain language in regards to him—about "dignity," about "respect," about what you "deserve"—what I hear, from these emotionally safe bleacher seats, is human hurt. Hugs. I understand the instinct to want something from him to lessen it—oh, do I—but I hope you can come to see that it just doesn't work that way. He is the blade in this chapter of the story, not the bandaid.

    What you're doing now is projecting your feelings, and how you handle your feelings, onto him. In his shoes, the thinking goes, you would have "at least" offered x, or said y, or been "respectful" enough to express z. But he is him, and he may not have x, y, and z to offer: not now, not ever. People bring to the table of life—and to the table of love—their own unique arsenal, and not all of it is precise. There is never "more" than whatever we get, which is why we have to accept what we are given, even during times like this, when it's so, so very hard to do.

    This is not a verdict on you. He looked into himself, and whatever it is he is seeing—and I be a lot of it is very, very cloudy right now—part of it is that he saw a man who could no longer be with you. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but expressing that to you is a show of respect. He has been honest with you about his truth.

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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    But he is not emotionally healthy enough to support himself let alone you. You keep saying that he didn't explain, but he did explain very clearly. The only thing he denied you is an argument. He made the decision to end things and he didn't open up that decision to a debate. That's actually a normal way to end relationships. It's a decision not a discussion. Once you decide to pull the trigger, you just do it. It doesn't feel like it now, but honestly, a clean break lets you heal and move on faster in the end. Dragging things out....I mean what more can he possibly say to you? Also, people do not stay friends with ex's. It's not healthy. You both need to heal and move on.
    I am the last person to ask for an argument. When it happened I told him I was hurt and upset but I wasn't trying to change his mind, and I'm still not. I told him I wouldn't be friends either because it wouldn't be healthy for me.

    What I did ask for how he came to that conclusion and he did not offer anything (except for repeating my own words back to me). There was no explanation of what he couldn't maintain (especially because up until then he had always said our relationship was so easy and made him feel good and god knows I am a low maintenance girlfriend). You're saying it was a clean break, but it was the farthest thing from it. Kicking someone out of a moving car is not clean, the person ends up bloody and in pain. Just because something is "normal" does not mean it is healthy.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BonnieBurst
    I am the last person to ask for an argument. When it happened I told him I was hurt and upset but I wasn't trying to change his mind, and I'm still not. I told him I wouldn't be friends either because it wouldn't be healthy for me.

    What I did ask for how he came to that conclusion and he did not offer anything (except for repeating my own words back to me). There was no explanation of what he couldn't maintain (especially because up until then he had always said our relationship was so easy and made him feel good and god knows I am a low maintenance girlfriend). You're saying it was a clean break, but it was the farthest thing from it. Kicking someone out of a moving car is not clean, the person ends up bloody and in pain. Just because something is "normal" does not mean it is healthy.
    That's the argument though....you are asking questions, demanding explanations for which there is no good clear answer or explanation. Aren't feeling it, depressed, can't continue - these are clear answers, but it's answers you don't like and aren't willing to accept so you keep asking the same questions unsatisfied with the answers. No question that break ups and rejections hurt. No way around that. He told you that it's not about you, what you did or didn't do. Why can't you just believe him?

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