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Thread: Just don't know how to get over this

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    That's the argument though....you are asking questions, demanding explanations for which there is no good clear answer or explanation. Aren't feeling it, depressed, can't continue - these are clear answers, but it's answers you don't like and aren't willing to accept. No question that break ups and rejections hurt. No way around that. He told you that it's not about you, what you did or didn't do. Why can't you just believe him?
    I don't think you know the meaning of the word "argument" or "demands" or "clear"

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BonnieBurst
    I don't think you know the meaning of the word "argument" or "demands" or "clear"
    They way you are reacting and responding here makes it rather obvious why he doesn't want to talk to you...... I'm sorry you are hurting but it's not an excuse to be lashing out at people.

  3. #13
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    I've never lashed out at him once.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He keeps trying to emphasize that he is not ready, willing or able to have a committed long term relationship. In fact for 14 out of 18 mos it was "casual". It's not about you so there really is no further reason to discuss it. It would be best to move on from him.

    This is a hard time for dating in general, but he started to back out in March using the "stressed" reason, even though you were only "officially dating" 4 mos at that time. He is simply not relationship material.

    My advice remains the same about this man: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by BonnieBurst
    Yesterday afternoon I texted him, just saying I still don't really understand what happened, and asked if he could explain. He hasn't answered. I don't know that he will.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's a story, for whatever it's worth.

    Many moons ago, I ended in a pretty formative relationship in a way I know—and knew then—would be like setting off a bomb in the life and heart of a human I very much cared for. We sat down to dinner, everything "good" between us, and I said it was over, that I could no longer keep doing the thing we were doing.

    I am, if you'll pardon some immodesty, a highly articulate human being, tender in spirit, skilled at expressing my thought and feeling patterns in a way that can be understood by others. But at that moment, at the restaurant and in my life? I was not a Nobel physicist who understood the atomic composition of the bomb I was detonating, or the various particles and principles that led me build the bomb in the first place. No, I was more like an animal. I just knew I could not keep going. I cared for her, loved her, she "mattered" to me. Still, I could not keep going, as I told her. It was not a discussion, but, like all breakups, the end of the discussion.

    If she wanted from me a clearer explanation than I offered, which I'm sure she did in the sharpest moments, when the pain was still fresh? Well, she'd have had to wait years, because that's how long it took me to scrape through the emotional corrosion in my own pipes, to reckon with pain of my own, pain that predated her, that simmered in me as I shared space—most of is lovely!—with her. Not minutes, not months. Years.

    Here's the thing. Capable as I may be now—that chapter is 15 years in the rearview mirror of my journey—to articulate exactly what I was thinking and feeling, it doesn't really change a thing. We didn't work. Why didn't we work? Because I decided we didn't, something anyone can do, at any time, for any reason. The most basic and blunt explanation I gave back then—"I can't do this anymore"—remains the truest, and the most meaningful, much like the residents of Hiroshima in 1945 have all the information they need about an atomic bomb without a consult from Einstein.

    Reduce everything that you're feeling right now to the core, and what's there? You, hurting, very much wishing you were still together, and looking for some piece of information that makes no longer being together make "sense." If you could have that, you'd go from feeling out of control to more in control. But control, in these precincts, is just an illusion. It doesn't exist inside the relationship, or in the aftermath. If you can find a way to accept that—to loosen the grip on the reigns you're now holding so tightly—you are likely to find yourself beginning to feel the sense of peace and stability you are looking for.

    It's in you, in short, to give yourself, not to be extracted from him.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. He keeps trying to emphasize that he is not ready, willing or able to have a committed long term relationship. In fact for 14 out of 18 mos it was "casual". It's not about you so there really is no further reason to discuss it. It would be best to move on from him.

    This is a hard time for dating in general, but he started to back out in March using the "stressed" reason, even though you were only "officially dating" 4 mos at that time. He is simply not relationship material.

    My advice remains the same about this man: [Register to see the link]
    THe math is off. We dated casually for a while, as much my choice as his. Probably more my choice than his actually, then going great since around sept/october. And i haven't talked to him since we broke up.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Here's a story, for whatever it's worth.

    Many moons ago, I ended in a pretty formative relationship in a way I know—and knew then—would be like setting off a bomb in the life and heart of a human I very much cared for. We sat down to dinner, everything "good" between us, and I said it was over, that I could no longer keep doing the thing we were doing.

    I am, if you'll pardon some immodesty, a highly articulate human being, tender in spirit, skilled at expressing my thought and feeling patterns in a way that can be understood by others. But at that moment, at the restaurant and in my life? I was not a Nobel physicist who understood the atomic composition of the bomb I was detonating, or the various particles and principles that led me build the bomb in the first place. No, I was more like an animal. I just knew I could not keep going. I cared for her, loved her, she "mattered" to me. Still, I could not keep going, as I told her. It was not a discussion, but, like all breakups, the end of the discussion.

    If she wanted from me a clearer explanation than I offered, which I'm sure she did in the sharpest moments, when the pain was still fresh? Well, she'd have had to wait years, because that's how long it took me to scrape through the emotional corrosion in my own pipes, to reckon with pain of my own, pain that predated her, that simmered in me as I shared space—most of is lovely!—with her. Not minutes, not months. Years.

    Here's the thing. Capable as I may be now—that chapter is 15 years in the rearview mirror of my journey—to articulate exactly what I was thinking and feeling, it doesn't really change a thing. We didn't work. Why didn't we work? Because I decided we didn't, something anyone can do, at any time, for any reason. The most basic and blunt explanation I gave back then—"I can't do this anymore"—remains the truest, and the most meaningful, much like the residents of Hiroshima in 1945 have all the information they need about an atomic bomb without a consult from Einstein.

    Reduce everything that you're feeling right now to the core, and what's there? You, hurting, very much wishing you were still together, and looking for some piece of information that makes no longer being together make "sense." If you could have that, you'd go from feeling out of control to more in control. But control, in these precincts, is just an illusion. It doesn't exist inside the relationship, or in the aftermath. If you can find a way to accept that—to loosen the grip on the reigns you're now holding so tightly—you are likely to find yourself beginning to feel the sense of peace and stability you are looking for.

    It's in you, in short, to give yourself, not to be extracted from him.
    Thank you. You've been the most kind and helpful. You're the only one here that hasn't just tried to reduce a person I care about into some worthless, immature creature and I really appreciate that.

  9. #18
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    I'm sorry you're hurt.
    I understand your need to have a more detailed explanation about the break up. I think in any mature relationship people should provide more information than two sentences :"it's not working" "i can't open to you" etc.
    That would be what two people who where building something together should do but he didn't...and still can't or won't do.
    This behavior tells you about his inability to be in a serious relationship.

    Since you can't get more information from him, I'm sure if you look at the relation, you will find signs that it was fragile. Like his need for space from time to time, his depression, the time it took for the relation to finally get more serious (one year if I understand correctly from your last post) and the way it collapsed as he didn't have the maturity to call or face time you in order to have a conversation about it. He kind of ran away when he realised that after all, he didn't want the dreams you guys were starting do dream ( having kids etc). Also sign of fragility, is when things started to get more serious and the conversation leading to more concrete plans for the future, it collapsed. You guys dated seriously for about 6 months which is usually about the time it takes to see if we really want the future we dream with the person we have feeling for. Unfortunalty, he didn't communicate very well the "why" it didn't work for him. Sometimes when we have feelings for someone like he did toward you, we imagine mariage and kids etc but a few months in we realise that we were just caught up un the moment. Those where dreams, not plan and now, he's more confortable being alone.


    He may have been a very nice guy but the whole package shows that he cannot offer you a serious relationship.
    With time the pain will lessen...

  10. #19
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    It’s very likely it’s nothing you did. Depression takes over someone’s mind heart and soul. The best thing you can do is step back and let him heal as long as it takes and when he’s feeling more like himself he might seek you out. This is not to say you should put your life on hold by any means. Someone whose depressed needs to focus on getting themselves better (some people are better at using a support system an others isolate and push everyone away). Encourage him to seek help and tell him your available if he chooses to discuss it with you but don’t push. Sending virtual hugs ❤️

  11. #20
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    Thank you guys.

    As for the timeline, it was slow at the start because I wanted it to be. There were times he hinted that he wanted something more serious, but I was a little shy and trying to not let myself jump in too fast. We met on Tinder, and because of a past relationship I didn't want to start something serious right away until we had time to get to know each other. He ended up backing off for a couple months because he didn't know what I wanted, we went out for coffee and he said later that not kissing me goodbye killed him, and when we saw each other again we both decided we were being stupid and that it was a real relationship. We were "exclusive" for over a year, it just wasn't until we talked about labeling it that I'm calling it serious because that's when the tension of not talking about that lifted and we both jumped in. That's part of the frustration for me. He pursued me, he made a point that he wanted to be with me and it just took me a little while to be ready but once I was it was all-in. We've had those uncomfortable conversations before, he's completely capable of it, so I don't understand why he's like this now.

    Anyway, I reached out to him since my last post. He didn't answer the first (original to this thread), then a week later answered right away saying he didn't respond because he "didn't know how to sum it up in a text". We talked a little, he was kind, said he felt bad for hurting me, and "wishes he could explain more". I told him that's exactly what I'm trying to understand and he just didn't answer.

    I don't know what to do. I really love him. Just months ago I had realized "oh, I could marry this guy". I know he's not in it for whatever reason, but I wish I knew what's going on in his head. I wish he would just say his feelings for me changed or that he doesn't love me or something concrete.
    Last edited by BonnieBurst; 05-21-2020 at 10:43 PM.

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