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Thread: Serious Break Up Anxiety (Have to do the right thing, but frightened and sad)

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I guess if you thought there were a chance, you wouldn't have come to this decision.
    In general I tend to be a very hopeful person when it comes to personal change. I'm a strong believer in personal growth. I'm always trying to change (for the better). That's just how I'm wired.

    I think that character trait, along with my desire to somehow make our relationship function, led me to be far too hopeful about the possibility of her changing. You cold say I was blinded by it. Worse yet, I realized my hope was not only naive but also quite condescending. Maybe she doesn't want to change. Maybe she doesn't need to change (for my benefit).

    Short answer: I don't think she will change. But I would very much like to believe it :(

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can only speak for myself, but in the instances when I've ended the relationship? I am announcing a fact, not introducing a theory to be discussed or challenged. You might not quite be there yet, which is totally okay, but when and if you do take these steps? That's ideally what it is: the end of the conversation, not an opening for a new one.
    I think you are right. Breaking up is not a bargaining chip. This wasn't my intention last time I was ready to leave, but now that I look back on it, that's exactly what it ended up being. This time I'll keep that in mind.

  3. #13
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    There's no easy way to break up but it's clearly obvious that your relationship is not working, according to you. That said, try to remember that breaking up is the right thing to do at this point and, therefore, you should not feel guilty (I know this is hard to do). You cannot fit a square peg into a round hole. That simple. Not all relationships are meant to be. Fact of life...

    I am sorry that you are feeling so stressed but you're just going to have to accept that it's going to be painful. Don't fall for this: "I worry that as soon as we get to that point, she will say what I want to hear, and promise what she feels will convince me to stay. Promises she will likely not keep." You've made your decision, and so you need to make your point that the relationship is not a good fit. When you talk to her tell her the truth, tell her how you feel without adding blame or accusations. Chances are that if it's not a good fit for you, it's not a good fit for her either. She may not be as aware of it just yet, as you are.

    Of course, the breakup will be painful at first. But, with time, the pain/guilt/heartache will get better. And, you will feel better about your decision. No point in prolonging the inevitable. It's scary but most of us go through a breakup with someone that we love or care about, at some point of another. You will survive, I assure you. Be strong.

    Oh, one more thing: give yourself some time to think about what you are going to say before saying it. Perhaps you should write it out. Doing this will keep you on track, and help you to not lose your train of thought. You can do it!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Breakups are never easy. You're just going to have to be brutally honest, get it over and done with. Be prepared for tears, shouting, yelling, emotional outbursts, perhaps being called every name in the book and heated arguments. It's par for the course or part of the process.

    Then both of you will require lots of time afterwards for healing and eventual recovery.

    I'm sorry for both of you. Hope that one day this will all be behind you and her.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It doesn't have to be so complicated...say "I'm done, we are over because I'm no longer happy and I don't want to continue...goodbye..." walk away.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    It doesn't have to be so complicated...say "I'm done, we are over because I'm no longer happy and I don't want to continue...goodbye..." walk away.
    I guess for me the complicated part is leaving my entire life behind – and that includes giving up on a lot that's actually pretty great.
    I know leaving is the right choice for us in the long-term, but I dread the immediate consequences. It's the anticipation of loss I'm feeling (including losing her love and companionship as well as the place I call home).

    Maybe that makes me a "coward" or "weak," but it is what it is.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by awkpanda
    I guess for me the complicated part is leaving my entire life behind – and that includes giving up on a lot that's actually pretty great.
    I know leaving is the right choice for us in the long-term, but I dread the immediate consequences. It's the anticipation of loss I'm feeling (including losing her love and companionship as well as the place I call home).

    Maybe that makes me a "coward" or "weak," but it is what it is.
    No, that makes you normal. You should be concerned if you weren't feeling the things you are.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    No, that makes you normal. You should be concerned if you weren't feeling the things you are.
    Agreed.

    Even when we know it's right, letting go of comforts, to say nothing of hopes, is never easy. It's hard to leave jobs we know are corrosive to our spirits, because paychecks are nice, along with a sense of purpose. Ditto opting to move to a new city, because the one you're living in doesn't offer what you need for full-spectrum nourishment. Breakups are kind of a version of that, with all the feelings magnified.

    But if fear of pain—feeling it, causing it—is the most powerful bonding point? Just me, but I know that's not in line with who I want to be inside the one life I get to live, something I've had to remind myself of here and there, when I've been in similar shoes as you're in.

  10. #19
    Member NightFairy12's Avatar
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    Honestly I see the easiest way out of this with lessened guilt on your part as “we need to part ways and you need to get therapy for me to even consider a reconciliation in the future” if you know she is so anti therapy then it’s essentially a shoo-in and if she does agree to therapy maybe you guys can reconnect later down the road. I also am slightly jealous with new boyfriends (I have been cheated on in the past) but as I learn to trust someone that feeling eventually dissipates or I wouldn’t be with the person anymore. Why would you remain with someone you don’t trust?

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