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Thread: Txt messages from wife to coworker

  1. #1

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    Txt messages from wife to coworker

    I could make this really long and give copious amounts of information but will just present the cold facts first.

    I was presented (yes I didnít go onto the phone, itís PIN protected but my toddler was given it and she brought it to me with texts open) with my wifeís mobile phone open at the text app.

    It was an early (7:30) Saturday morning and regardless of my intentions I saw a message listed at 6am to a guy at the top of the messages. It was from my wife to him in response to one he sent at 3am (so Iím guessing he was out drinking on the Friday). Just emojis.

    At this point I snooped. It was from a male colleague.

    3am him: 👀
    6am her: 😜

    Then I scrolled back to where it started which was the Thursday night when she went out to meet an old friend at a shopping mall in the evening.

    I would like your thoughts on this, Iíll write it out as it was written and remembered by me. The messages on the phone were just one exchange (yes I know this doesnít preclude anything deleted before I read them which I suspect have been).

    1830- Her: How was training?
    Him: good. I think youíd like it. What you upto?
    Her: Iím out to meet x at (a shopping centre) for a coffee. Heís a doctor.
    Him: ooh. Out for a gossip with your fancy doctor friend are you?
    Her: Heís gay and I save my gossip for nights out 😉 what are you upto?
    Him: nothing.just watching videos.
    Her: oh you should have said. You could have met me and spent your vouchers. What are you watching?
    Him: just YouTube videos.
    Her: (mentions a shared company product in jest)
    Him: besides it will be time for (mentions a tv show) soon. But I hate to watch it on my own. I like to be judgmental.
    Her: yeah me too. I like to talk it through.
    Him: I know I shouldnít ask but you could come here?

    Now at this point I donít recollect what was said next. A combination of her coming back upstairs and my gut coming online i reset the phone back to my toddler. I know she didnít go to his house because of the time frame and general locations of the shopping centre and our house and when she got in.

    Just your thoughts for now. What i will say is she hasnít been working closely with this guy for that long and these texts follow two work nights out. One two Thursdays prior. Where as part of a company they had to stay away in a hotel and wine and dine customers. She said they were out until 5am. (So drinking 7pm-5am). The second night was the following Friday (the week before these texts came in) and she went for ďa bite to eat and a few drinksĒ after work. Well thatís what she text me when she asked if I could collect the kids from nursery. Again she was home at 1:30 in the morning after an hour train ride back from the city. Which is also the last train.

    So basically after two nights out spanning about 19hrs of drinking the above happens....

    Incidentally the first night out was my birthday and my sons 4th birthday. The second night out was the night before the postponed birthday celebrations for my son.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been married? Is she usually this outgoing or flirty? Do you think she is having an affair with this co-worker or just seeking attention?

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    Ten years this October. Two kids, one four, one two.

    At this stage Iím just looking for peoples views on the dialogue. But I do have my opinions and views otherwise I would not be posting here. Thatís not to sound dismissive. Iím just aware that if i start to throw in further detail or aspects it will polarise thinking.

    You say ďusually this flirty?Ē Which aspect do you consider flirty?
    Last edited by La Pinta; 05-13-2020 at 05:01 PM. Reason: Additional points

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hard to say out of context and paraphrased this way. Have you or she been unfaithful in the past? Is there a reason to think friendly co-worker texting is an affair? Are you both working?
    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    Ten years this October.You say ďusually this flirty?Ē Which aspect do you consider flirty?

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Hard to say out of context and paraphrased this way. Have you or she been unfaithful in the past? Is there a reason to think friendly co-worker texting is an affair? Are you both working?
    I appreciate itís hard to say but itís what Iím looking at. Itís not paraphrased, itís how it was exchanged verbatim with a little bit of background.

    Iíve not been unfaithful and neither has she from what I know. We are both working.

    Ok you said flirty before, now friendly?

    My concern to be honest is the line from him ďI know I shouldnít askĒ. Itís a strange opening point to make. Either you know someone and are confident and happy to ask them to your house or your not. To me it reads like he shouldnít but is going to anyway. Has something happened and stopped? Something nearly happened and was halted. He has a gf.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Well, the fact that you don't remember what was said next makes it impossible to put the situation in context.

    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    Him: I know I shouldnít ask but you could come here?

    Now at this point I donít recollect what was said next.
    For all I know, she may have said, "Hell no." And then it's a nonissue.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Asked if she is the flirty type in general. The messages are hard to decipher, particularly when you are not communicating with her about it (since you don't want her to know you looked through her phone) and you seem to be quite suspicious of her new job/coworkers.

    They may enjoy each other's company or kid around a lot, who knows. If you think your marriage is in trouble then talk to her. You don't have to mention the phone messages but you may be building a lot up in your mind ...or seeing the start of your marriage unravel. Only talking with her (or marriage therapy) will tell.
    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    My concern to be honest is the line from him ďI know I shouldnít askĒ. He has a gf.

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    Sounds like nothing & something....in other words more detection and investigation. There's enough there to spark your concern!

  10. #9

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    Ok so Iíve deliberately held back on details following this as I just wanted thoughts on the txt exchange at this point.

    You are right with regard what she said next. I think it was along the lines of not acknowledging it ďhave a nice nightĒ. But then obviously he sent her a 3am emoji and she replied at 6am whilst still in bed next to me.

    We have discussed it and their is lots mor which Iíll update here tomorrow but just wanted a few thoughts on the texts first.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What are the relationship boundaries between you two? Are you allowed to exchange numbers and be buddies with the opposite sex, including co-worker friends? I don't have any friends who would be so rude as to text me at 3 a.m. When he asked her to come over, if that's not part of your decided-on boundaries, and if he's crossing the line with flirting, it would be up to her to shut him down and end a "friendship" that is going into dangerous territory. If she doesn't, she likes the ego boost and if it's not a physical affair, it could be an emotional affair. That's why the term "work husband" exists.

    If it were me, I wouldn't hold this inside. I'd tell her what happened when your child handed you the phone, and it alarmed you seeing a text from another man at 3:00 a.m., and you decided to see what that was about.

    You can tell a lot by how she answers to that.

    When people are entering affairs, there will be changes you will notice. If she's paying more attention to her looks. If she's staying away from home more often. If she guards her phone, taking it from room to room, even to the bathroom, which didn't seem to happen here.

    Sometimes I think your guardian angels make sure you see what you should see. It's worth a discussion, and maybe to revisit relationship boundaries. By her responses, you will see what her priorities are, and perhaps she can clarify what's going on which may trump your assumptions. It's irrelevant that he has a gf. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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