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Thread: Txt messages from wife to coworker

  1. #51

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree. She feels "trapped, not because she has kids or works part-time, but because she is with someone over-bearing. This is not about a recent job and coworker texting. This is about an unhappy marriage. And not just because of being a SAHM, but from feeling like a prisoner who has to constantly answer to her captor.

    Unfortunately you are pointing fingers at her as if she is "crazy" yet the phone is by her bed for feeding the kids?

    It sounds like you are afraid to lose her, but not because of some coworker or texting, but because you know at some level you treat her badly and as if she is an idiot and a child. Otherwise some texting would never threaten you to the point of trying to make a federal case out of it replete with surveys, research, etc. And add to this you threaten divorce? You need to read up on signs of an abuser, not signs of a cheater.
    Donít reply to me anymore. Your not helping and not reading any of this properly. You are also continually attacking me. Now you are saying I am an abuser.

    Go and reply to someone else please.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    Thanks for the reply. I agree with everything youíve said.

    It took until March to get an appointment with an agreed counsellor. My wife had strict conditions attached. Days when she would or wouldnít go. Cost. Couldnít do evenings. I honestly didnít think it was going to happen.

    But I found someone. We had our first intro. I found it really positive and so did she. The lady suggested my wife needed a few sessions just with her. To find out what was going on as my wife basically said she didnít know what she wanted or how she felt.

    Then the counsellor was sick. Then lockdown started. Then the counsellor went awol. Iíve suggested other counsellors or reviewing it as an option but she doesnít want to discuss it or the relationship in general just now.

    With regard being on lockdown and dressing up. Well thatís exactly what happens. The three days she works, she gets up, washes and does her make up etc. In fact sheís topping it up constantly throughout the day. The days she doesnít work none of the above happens. As has been pointed out this could be just a work face and why shouldnít it be. Iíll probably get some abuse somewhere for raising it.

    She spends her days on MS teams in video calls and using chat. Upstairs with the door closed. I look after the children.

    Some days sheís pleasant others sheís very dismissive and has lots of contempt. Sheís very critical of everything.

    I do take up drinks and things including anything that might help her day. I send texts and try and stay connected throughout her working day but with respect to her privacy.

    I understand that I canít fix something over night with a few extra cups of tea though.

    With regard boundaries they were never kept. She did go to the after party sheíd asked about and this was only two weeks and the first chance after our chat. As has been pointed out to me, asking her not to was controlling and she is free to do what she wants. Which is what she said and did. I really hoped despite everything she would have maybe seen how important it was just to respect each other right now but she hasnít. I still also believe she messages this guy on days off and I know they team chat continuously throughout the day. Then complains she hasnít got enough work done so goes back to it in the evenings.

    Iíve asked without prejudice if they are still engaging in what she said they were doing before and she got very angry and dismissive. Basically said she was trapped. I have seen her drafting messages to him on her phone.

    Maybe as has been pointed out it is all in my head but with no effort on her part and all on mine Iím struggling to keep moving forward with it and not feel like a chump.
    Reading through all of this, I agree. It is going to take more than tea....

    I wonder why she is unfulfilled, considering the effort required to have the children (the first anyway).

    Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it, too.

    And from what you've said, I probably would start looking to make some friends of your own (after quarantine) and have some of your own interests.

    I'm sure when she sees how it feels to have to be the responsible adult in the situation, she won't like it.

    Maybe she wants to be single. Pining for her youth with these colleagues.... but theyre are children to consider...

    Did she,always have this temper and self centered angry thing?
    Last edited by Lambert; 05-14-2020 at 02:57 PM.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I did some of the things she's doing while I was married. Stayed at work late, went out at night, travelled with friends. Why? I wanted out of the marriage but didn't have the nerve to just come out and say so.

    So her reasons for going unhinged when you suggested divorce were not because she loves you and her family and wants it all to work out, but rather financial and housing concerns and what others would think?

    Not good.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree with DancingFool. Being outgoing and dressing well are essential to this type of field for success. You seem more introverted and more of a homebody. That in itself is an incompatibility.

    She can't show up to work in mom sweats and look like a slob or frazzled. She has to appear and act friendly and professional. This guy is a kid who is used to teasing, kidding, etc. it's unbelievable that you find him threatening.

    But overall your marriage sounds in peril, but not because she got out of her mom jeans or is texting some kid at work but because of the stuff you do.
    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    Marketing. The other guy is sales. Ten years her junior.

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  6. #55

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    And not just because of being a SAHM,

    Unfortunately you are pointing fingers at her as if she is "crazy" yet the phone is by her bed for feeding the kids?
    .
    This is what I mean. Sheís not a stay at home mum. She works. Worked four days a week until recently and now does three with one compressed over the evenings.

    Phone is in the bed! With her. Itís a throw back to when she needed it for the time, from when the kids were little and we would get up in the night hourly time feed them.

    Why are you finding this narrative? Federal case? Whatís the point of this forum if itís not to outline whatís going on. Also letís not forget here, you were the first to reply. You suggested ďis she always this flirty?Ē And you asked for further details?

    I didnít threaten divorce. I said thatís what we should do as I couldnít continue with they way she was acting. If thatís because Iíve looked at her messages, asked her what was going on, been told she thinks but doesnít know but might be in an EA, then that doesnít make me an abuser. Do you realise what you are saying and how bad that is?

    Perhaps you should go and look up signs of a bully or internet troll? Now seriously if youíve only got poison to offer. Donít reply.

  7. #56

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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Reading through all of this, I agree. It is going to take more than tea....

    Did she,always have this temper and self centered angry thing?
    I know itís multiple issues isnít it.

    Yes she has always had a temper and anger issues. She has had continued problems with her relatives and was actually kicked out of her home. I didnít really know much of this until we lived together. She moved to live with me after a LDR which started through text and email.

  8. #57

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So her reasons for going unhinged when you suggested divorce were not because she loves you and her family and wants it all to work out, but rather financial and housing concerns and what others would think?

    Not good.
    I know itís pretty poor to say the least. She added she felt out of control of it if I was to divorce her now. So in other words sheís happy to proceed as things are even though sheís brought it to me that we need to split or go to counselling, but doesnít want to split or particularly go to counselling.

    This is why I came back to this potential EA and her throwing all this potential dust up to slow down the issue.

    But as has been said by quite a few balanced people, itís all looking terribly not good. Possibly salvageable but will take a lot.

    Sorry to hear you got divorced.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Well, my ex husband and I were not at all suited to be married. He's a decent person and a great father but he didn't want me to have any kind of life outside of him and the kids. He behaved passive-aggressively if I did something he didn't like. Then he started "punishing" me by staying at work until 10 pm (so I couldn't meet my girlfriends for a glass of wine) and also working 7 days a week (again, in an attempt to make it impossible to meet a girlfriend for lunch and shopping). He's non-social. but what's funny is when he met me one of the things he said he liked about me was that I was outgoing and had lots of friends!

    I'm going to guess at some point, once she feels more comfortable, she may suggest divorcing. If her mind is already there it will be very difficult to convince her to change it. I hope I'm wrong.

  10. #59

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    At this point the thread has rapidly gone into somewhere I hadnít intended and didnít really want. As I really just wanted some opinions on the original exchange. I really shouldnít have written anymore.

    Thanks for the angles brought up and helping me get some support with greater perspective from her position. Not that everyone was particularly helpful but their is always one extreme I suppose.

  11. #60

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Well, my ex husband and I were not at all suited to be married. He's a decent person and a great father but he didn't want me to have any kind of life outside of him and the kids. He behaved passive-aggressively if I did something he didn't like. Then he started "punishing" me by staying at work until 10 pm (so I couldn't meet my girlfriends for a glass of wine) and also working 7 days a week (again, in an attempt to make it impossible to meet a girlfriend for lunch and shopping). He's non-social. but what's funny is when he met me one of the things he said he liked about me was that I was outgoing and had lots of friends!

    I'm going to guess at some point, once she feels more comfortable, she may suggest divorcing. If her mind is already there it will be very difficult to convince her to change it. I hope I'm wrong.
    I hope you are too but appreciate your honesty and realism. It is a fear of mine anyway.

    Iíll add Iím the opposite to your ex in terms of control. Sheís been a social person for years and always gone out and enjoyed it without me. Her friends and her colleagues. No questions asked from me. Iíve never tried to spoil her plans either. I understand that if she is unhappy or resentful then nothing will last long. Weíve done ten years so I must have done something right somewhere. I donít think this is as much about me as it is her new outlook on life and the added burden and tie that children bring and perhaps a different set of priorities.

    If she really wants to be single and have that side of life instead of what she initially asked for then itís best for everyone if thatís what she gets. Iíll be disappointed because Iíd not had wanted to settle with someone who wasnít actually wanting to settle. Certainly not have children and the way we did.

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