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Thread: Txt messages from wife to coworker

  1. #41

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    Iím trying to work on me including my wider life.
    Lockdown has shown me that I donít do enough outside of the family because nothings changed for me. Where as my wife is really struggling and is only happy on days sheís working and spending time video calling colleagues (not just matey boy).

    I agree about her going out til 5am. Especially on my birthday and my sons birthday. I know sheís entitled but timing is everything right? Her going out the next week was really hurtful. She actually mentioned it before it happened and she asked if I was okay with it. I asked if she had to. Said I hadnít seen much of her and would rather we did something. Especially as her sister was going to be over for that weekend. I just wanted some time with her. She begrudgingly said fine. I told her I didnít want her feeling pressured about that and ultimately it was her choice. She said she wasnít going out.
    Then I get the text asking me pick the kids up. It was things like this that made me question what was actually going on here. She has pulled away from the whole family.

    I recognise how she would want her own time though. She has been out lots and gets to wine and dine lots.

    She has subsequently said sheíd like to go off on her own backpacking and just experience new things and meet new people. Then said she was wanting to go away with a mate to Ibiza.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Pretty much figured it's something like that.

    Reason I'm asking is that those initial texts you posted, this sort of iffy flirty chatter is really quite typical in those circles and also meaningless. Flirty, bold personalities move products and services but generally speaking, people know it's all meaningless bs. A good looking, well dressed guy who comes in and chats up and flirts a bit with the 60+ receptionist will get to see me and make his pitch, while others get shown out the door. That's just one of those life realities.

    Same thing goes for your wife dressing up, make up, etc. It's not really appropriate to be frumpy or part of the culture and some companies are bigger on this than others.

    I'm saying all this because I do think that you totally over reacted to reading those texts and ended up creating an even bigger emotional rift between yourself and your wife.

    HOWEVER.....the fact that your marriage has been in shambles for years is very real. My point is that this guy is a red herring. The real issue is what is actually going on between the two of you. We are talking literally years and years of a rift. I'm not blaming you, just to be clear, but I think you have been excusing her distance from you for way too long because of all the other issues, kind of sweeping things under the rug rather than addressing them. Telling yourself it's OK because this happened and that happened....but it's not OK and hasn't been OK. You haven't been OK for a long time yourself either if you stop and think about it for a moment.

    Between the miscarriages, not wanting intimacy, depression and possibly post partum, the emotional rift - there is a lot going on. Add to it that the two of you have been overwhelmed with raising kids and stopped dating each other. I know you mentioned you don't have help, but once in awhile getting a babysitter and having some adult time is critical. Again, this is not just on you, but both of you. If you try or tried and she is always rejecting you - that needs to be addressed because that on her, not you.

    I don't think you are wrong or crazy to feel threatened by this guy. I have no doubt that your wife is actually enjoying the attention. Still, this is all a symptom and a red herring that you are fixating on. That's not the problem in your marriage and this guy is not going to either fix or break your marriage. Your marriage has been broken for quite some time already. Forget the guy, talk about what you and your wife actually want. Dream a little and figure out how to make that a reality...if that's even possible. If you both truly want it, it's possible to make it happen, but there are no guarantees. It's equally possible that the ashes are too cold to be rekindled. You need to kind of consider that possibility as well.


    My point is that you both need to either focus on how to rebuild your marriage or call it a day. However, for right now, while in quarantine, maybe fixate less on the guy or pushing counseling and....just work on being friends again?

  3. #43

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    One of the most helpful and balanced pieces of advice Iíve had in more than three months.

    You must be successful at what you do because your intuition is probably spot on.

    Thanks for your post. I appreciate the way you wrote it.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    Iím trying to work on me including my wider life.
    Lockdown has shown me that I donít do enough outside of the family because nothings changed for me. Where as my wife is really struggling and is only happy on days sheís working and spending time video calling colleagues (not just matey boy).

    I agree about her going out til 5am. Especially on my birthday and my sons birthday. I know sheís entitled but timing is everything right? Her going out the next week was really hurtful. She actually mentioned it before it happened and she asked if I was okay with it. I asked if she had to. Said I hadnít seen much of her and would rather we did something. Especially as her sister was going to be over for that weekend. I just wanted some time with her. She begrudgingly said fine. I told her I didnít want her feeling pressured about that and ultimately it was her choice. She said she wasnít going out.
    Then I get the text asking me pick the kids up. It was things like this that made me question what was actually going on here. She has pulled away from the whole family.

    I recognise how she would want her own time though. She has been out lots and gets to wine and dine lots.

    She has subsequently said sheíd like to go off on her own backpacking and just experience new things and meet new people. Then said she was wanting to go away with a mate to Ibiza.
    Sorry but this all sounds like your wife wants to be single while you sit home and raise the kids. Call bs on that. She either needs to grow up and start acting like a parent that she actually is, or just call it a day and she can go live her single life while paying you child support. She can't have it both ways.

    However, raising kids doesn't mean you both need to sit home, doom and gloom. My parents had me when they were very young. They also traveled a lot. Guess what? I traveled with them and what an enriching life that was for me as a child. So....if she genuinely wants to save the marriage, can you both work out how to live a fuller and more fulfilling life as a couple?

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    She has subsequently said sheíd like to go off on her own backpacking and just experience new things and meet new people. Then said she was wanting to go away with a mate to Ibiza.
    How does she square this up with the responsibilities of being a mother?

    I don't mean to suggest that parents give up traveling. But backpacking often implies a longer time away, and it sounds like your children are quite young. What's her thoughts on how this would work?

    My point is that she seems very unhappy and is looking for an escape. Be it through her flirty work buddy, backpacking or a boozy party holiday in Ibiza - she is very thirsty for change and excitement. The fact that she's also told you she doesn't know how she feels about the marriage anymore suggests she is edging closer and closer to the door. This is not a woman who's fulfilled with her current lot in life and I would bet that any day now she's going to ask to "take a break" from the marriage. She's strongly hinting at it already.

    There's only so much you can do, OP. She has to want to work on this too. What are you prepared to do it the event that she wants a time-out from you, your marriage and your family?

  7. #46

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    Yes I have questioned both her suitability for a serious relationship and being a parent. She certainly struggles at being a parent for a lot of the time. As you say, Iíve swept the reasons under the rug and got on with trying to support her.

    In essence I think Iíve made myself unattractive in ways by losing my own self respect. Going more than the extra mile(S).

    As you say. Lockdown gives the opportunity to reflect and decide what hi want out of this.

    The red herring does pee me off though. I guess I need to get past this.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    Yes I have questioned both her suitability for a serious relationship and being a parent. She certainly struggles at being a parent for a lot of the time.
    And what struggles does she have, specifically?

  9. #48

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    How does she square this up with the responsibilities of being a mother?

    I don't mean to suggest that parents give up traveling. But backpacking often implies a longer time away, and it sounds like your children are quite young. What's her thoughts on how this would work?

    My point is that she seems very unhappy and is looking for an escape. Be it through her flirty work buddy, backpacking or a boozy party holiday in Ibiza - she is very thirsty for change and excitement. The fact that she's also told you she doesn't know how she feels about the marriage anymore suggests she is edging closer and closer to the door. This is not a woman who's fulfilled with her current lot in life and I would bet that any day now she's going to ask to "take a break" from the marriage. She's strongly hinting at it already.

    There's only so much you can do, OP. She has to want to work on this too. What are you prepared to do it the event that she wants a time-out from you, your marriage and your family?
    Time out isnít a practical option and I often feel a lot of the not separating but continued behaviour and resentment from her is as she often says when sheís had enough ďtrappedĒ. Our kids are at nursery and she only works three days a week. Well and into the evenings at home. So she doesnít have the affordability to walk away.

    At one point during all this I did say ok ok. Letís divorce. Get through lockdown. Weíll sell the house. Decide on the children and in the interim you can pay a proportionate amount towards the bills. She became emotionally enraged. Literally pulling her hair out and throwing things about. Eventually calmed her down. When she came down from it she said it was fear of her financial circumstance, living in a rough area and what people would think of her that caused the reaction. Plus feeling out of control.

    I originally gave this three months but seem as lockdown has dominated that and therapy hasnít happened Iíll keep going but eventually I will have to finish it.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. She feels "trapped, not because she has kids or works part-time, but because she is with someone over-bearing. This is not about a recent job and coworker texting. This is about an unhappy marriage. And not just because of being a SAHM, but from feeling like a prisoner who has to constantly answer to her captor.

    Unfortunately you are pointing fingers at her as if she is "crazy" yet the phone is by her bed for feeding the kids?

    It sounds like you are afraid to lose her, but not because of some coworker or texting, but because you know at some level you treat her badly and as if she is an idiot and a child. Otherwise some texting would never threaten you to the point of trying to make a federal case out of it replete with surveys, research, etc. And add to this you threaten divorce? You need to read up on signs of an abuser, not signs of a cheater.
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    My point is that she seems very unhappy and is looking for an escape.

  11. #50

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    And what struggles does she have, specifically?
    Temper and patience mainly. She copes for about forty minutes in the morning before Iíd say she looses it with the kids. She wants to be the all focussed, resourced mum but in reality she puts her energy and effort into work. She hated maternity leave and has said she felt resentful to me for working.

    Itís upsetting and Iím actually upset for her because I know she wants to be more than that but her character prevails. She is very short tempered. Takes things to heart. Gets wound up and argumentative. Sheíd get into road rage and arguments very easily with anyone. Sheís quit jobs due to over reacting in the past.

    In fact she went away on a whole company xmas trip abroad. She came back sad and upset saying she might leave and didnít like the people. Saying she didnít agree with how they were. Now they are her lifeline. Basically she described them as her only positive aspect in life.

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