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Thread: Txt messages from wife to coworker

  1. #31

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    No I just wanted to know if I was wrong.

    Seems you’ve answered it.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    If I'm following this right....

    The texts etc happened in Feb. but you guys never followed thru with counseling?

    How has she been dressing up and going to work as most people have been quarantined at least part of the time since Feb.

    If she's still buddy-buddy with this guy on the phone etc, how is that keeping to the boundaries you've set?

    if you guys are playing this little game of whats allowed, what isnt allowed, thats more parent-child, not husband and wife behavior.

    The bottom line is the emotional connection between you two is broken and neither of you is working on the marriage.

    If you're not willing to go all in, say exactly what you want/need and stop this little dance of you complimenting her and being the hall monitor then what is left to save?

    Spouses should respect each other and the marriage above all others. Thats what the vows say.

    Of course, we all need friends etc, but there are literally enough people on this planet, that she could find other friends. Ones that dont make you feel less than.

    If she doesn't agree, then what is your marriage about?

    There are obviously a lot of problems in the marriage. Many understandable, as you have explained.... And this guy is just a symptom of all the lack she is feeling and all the rejection you are feeling (fear to ask questions, not having the emotional tools to express yourself and hear her)

    You must start there... you must go back to a place where you like each other as individual people.

    Make her a cup of coffee or whatever and take it to her. Tell her I thought you might like some coffee... how's it going over here with you? keep the convo going...

    Just being nice, curious in a friendly way about her.... try to engage as individuals. not parents, not a team, not a couple.... build toward more romantic and physically intimate exchanges.

    Make little dates for when the kids are asleep... even if its just a few minutes... rub her feet and ask her things you don't know about her... maybe from when she was kid....

    show her life can be pleasant and happy... she might be reluctant at first or not really understand what you are doing, but that's where you just go completely honest... i want to connect with you more. i don't want to waste time being distant. i love you more than i think you realize.

    stop making your marriage about others... Do your part.

  3. 05-14-2020, 10:41 AM

  4. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    I love her, am attracted to her and feel I’ve lost her.
    Have you expressed this to her?

    The impression I get, reading through this thread, is that you've both been feeling lost for a good long while, without figuring out a way to express that honestly, vulnerably, nakedly, softly.

    I understand that, right now, you are hyper-focused on these texts, filled with rage and confusion and a hollow pit in your stomach, and pretty desperate for that hurt to be seen by her, validated, soothed. Which, yes, you deserve. Hard part is that she is hurting too, and wants her hurt seen by you, so you each end up throwing swords at each other's shields.

    From where I'm sitting? There is a chance for this whole moment to be exactly what you two need, and have needed, for quite some time. It's messy, yes. It hurts. But at the end of the day? She extended something like a pinky toe out of bounds, and if that's what it takes to open up the doors to some honest, vulnerable, heartfelt communication, to get some help with a therapist in putting down those swords and shields—so be it.

    Unless, of course, you'd each like this moment to be the end.

  5. #34

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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    If I'm following this right....

    The texts etc happened in Feb. but you guys never followed thru with counseling?

    How has she been dressing up and going to work as most people have been quarantined at least part of the time since Feb.

    If she's still buddy-buddy with this guy on the phone etc, how is that keeping to the boundaries you've set?

    if you guys are playing this little game of whats allowed, what isnt allowed, thats more parent-child, not husband and wife behavior.

    The bottom line is the emotional connection between you two is broken and neither of you is working on the marriage.

    If you're not willing to go all in, say exactly what you want/need and stop this little dance of you complimenting her and being the hall monitor then what is left to save?

    Spouses should respect each other and the marriage above all others. Thats what the vows say.

    Of course, we all need friends etc, but there are literally enough people on this planet, that she could find other friends. Ones that dont make you feel less than.

    If she doesn't agree, then what is your marriage about?

    There are obviously a lot of problems in the marriage. Many understandable, as you have explained.... And this guy is just a symptom of all the lack she is feeling and all the rejection you are feeling (fear to ask questions, not having the emotional tools to express yourself and hear her)

    You must start there... you must go back to a place where you like each other as individual people.

    Make her a cup of coffee or whatever and take it to her. Tell her I thought you might like some coffee... how's it going over here with you? keep the convo going...

    Just being nice, curious in a friendly way about her.... try to engage as individuals. not parents, not a team, not a couple.... build toward more romantic and physically intimate exchanges.

    Make little dates for when the kids are asleep... even if its just a few minutes... rub her feet and ask her things you don't know about her... maybe from when she was kid....

    show her life can be pleasant and happy... she might be reluctant at first or not really understand what you are doing, but that's where you just go completely honest... i want to connect with you more. i don't want to waste time being distant. i love you more than i think you realize.

    stop making your marriage about others... Do your part.
    Thanks for the reply. I agree with everything you’ve said.

    It took until March to get an appointment with an agreed counsellor. My wife had strict conditions attached. Days when she would or wouldn’t go. Cost. Couldn’t do evenings. I honestly didn’t think it was going to happen.

    But I found someone. We had our first intro. I found it really positive and so did she. The lady suggested my wife needed a few sessions just with her. To find out what was going on as my wife basically said she didn’t know what she wanted or how she felt.

    Then the counsellor was sick. Then lockdown started. Then the counsellor went awol. I’ve suggested other counsellors or reviewing it as an option but she doesn’t want to discuss it or the relationship in general just now.

    With regard being on lockdown and dressing up. Well that’s exactly what happens. The three days she works, she gets up, washes and does her make up etc. In fact she’s topping it up constantly throughout the day. The days she doesn’t work none of the above happens. As has been pointed out this could be just a work face and why shouldn’t it be. I’ll probably get some abuse somewhere for raising it.

    She spends her days on MS teams in video calls and using chat. Upstairs with the door closed. I look after the children.

    Some days she’s pleasant others she’s very dismissive and has lots of contempt. She’s very critical of everything.

    I do take up drinks and things including anything that might help her day. I send texts and try and stay connected throughout her working day but with respect to her privacy.

    I understand that I can’t fix something over night with a few extra cups of tea though.

    With regard boundaries they were never kept. She did go to the after party she’d asked about and this was only two weeks and the first chance after our chat. As has been pointed out to me, asking her not to was controlling and she is free to do what she wants. Which is what she said and did. I really hoped despite everything she would have maybe seen how important it was just to respect each other right now but she hasn’t. I still also believe she messages this guy on days off and I know they team chat continuously throughout the day. Then complains she hasn’t got enough work done so goes back to it in the evenings.

    I’ve asked without prejudice if they are still engaging in what she said they were doing before and she got very angry and dismissive. Basically said she was trapped. I have seen her drafting messages to him on her phone.

    Maybe as has been pointed out it is all in my head but with no effort on her part and all on mine I’m struggling to keep moving forward with it and not feel like a chump.

  6.  

  7. #35

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Have you expressed this to her?

    The impression I get, reading through this thread, is that you've both been feeling lost for a good long while, without figuring out a way to express that honestly, vulnerably, nakedly, softly.

    I understand that, right now, you are hyper-focused on these texts, filled with rage and confusion and a hollow pit in your stomach, and pretty desperate for that hurt to be seen by her, validated, soothed. Which, yes, you deserve. Hard part is that she is hurting too, and wants her hurt seen by you, so you each end up throwing swords at each other's shields.

    From where I'm sitting? There is a chance for this whole moment to be exactly what you two need, and have needed, for quite some time. It's messy, yes. It hurts. But at the end of the day? She extended something like a pinky toe out of bounds, and if that's what it takes to open up the doors to some honest, vulnerable, heartfelt communication, to get some help with a therapist in putting down those swords and shields—so be it.

    Unless, of course, you'd each like this moment to be the end.
    I don’t want it to be the end. I believe she’s genuinely not sure which might be why she isn’t committing to making it work.

    I have laid myself bare with my feelings. If she’d had a full blown affair and it was certain I’d still work on it if it meant we moved forward and reconnected. Her feelings about me are “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

    I need a little from her though. The phrase clapping with one hand comes to mind.

    I have seen it exactly as you’ve described. An opportunity for us both to pull our socks up and have the relationship we deserve. I was hoping counselling would give us the safe space to talk and try and work on things. I’m still holding out on that.

    Yeah I get the pinky toe. Just my gut is telling me it’s attached to the rest of her which may still be going over that line. As in her reluctance to devote the energy is because of maybe limerence with the other guy. I hear it in her voice when she’s on calls with him and i get that knot.

    Thanks for your reply though and time to read and be balanced about it.
    Last edited by La Pinta; 05-14-2020 at 11:21 AM. Reason: Additional reply

  8. #36
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What does your wife do for work? Don't have to be specific, but in rough terms.

  9. #37

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    Marketing. The other guy is sales. Ten years her junior.

  10. #38
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I don't see you as controlling or otherwise. Actually the opposite. I think you've shown great restraint and asked thoughtful questions. Given the situation you are entitled to answers.
    It appears you both have come very complacent. It's just surprising that this has been going on for so long and neither of you have addressed it. It's also not a big surprise that when two people who are so disconnected someone seeks attention else where.
    The good news is this is a wake up call.
    I don't have a crystal ball and can't predict what the outcome will be, but you have small children to think of. Before either of you call it quits, you owe all 4 of you to exhaust all efforts to see if this is salvageable. At least you will be able to look back without regrets for having not tried.
    I wish you the best. . .

  11. #39

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    Thanks. That means a lot!

    You’ve hit the nail on the head regards considering the children and ensuring ive done everything i possibly can. I wouldn’t normally come onto forums but I'm literally out of ideas (and support).

    We moved to be nearer her friends and family to better support us having kids. As it is that hasn’t worked out in terms of support but I’ve not made any inroads into friendships due to my job and being available to the family the rest of the time. My wife has developed a very wide range of friends and contacts.
    Last edited by La Pinta; 05-14-2020 at 11:50 AM. Reason: Spelling

  12. #40
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's a lot to take on at the same time, but what can you do enrich your own life?

    When one spouse world expands and the others gets smaller, there is bound to be an imbalance.

    Can you join a hiking club or something? Something for you. It shifts the dynamic and you ultimately don't feel so vulnerable and life has a better sense of balance. When you are fulfilled in other areas, you feel better about yourself and in turn become more attractive to your partner.

    In turn your wife needs a better outlet then drinking til 5 am while you are home with small children.

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