Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 61

Thread: Txt messages from wife to coworker

  1. #21

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    29

    Episode 3

    The following day it came up again in the evening. I tried to discuss it.

    I said the guy was out of order and that he knew she was married with kids.

    My wife was concerned that I might do something. I said at this stage she needs to handle it and how would she go about that. She said she wasnÂ’t sure. She said she would speak to him the next working day but wasnÂ’t sure what she would say.

    She reiterated she hasn’t done anything and it wasn’t an affair. I briefly listed out signs of an affair from a webpage on my phone. The red flags that tallied. You know the “is my partner cheating on me” type.
    I said if itÂ’s not physical then is it psychological? She said no.

    So following this things were difficult but amicable.
    The following work day was uncomfortable for me.

    When we were both home I asked if sheÂ’d spoken to the guy that day.

    Initially she said no. That she was busy and had kept her head down. She then said something about maybe chatting on the way into the office (from train station but I didnÂ’t pry as she continued talking).

    She listed all the things he’d had on that day and how busy he was and then said “oh I did see him in the kitchen”.

    I was a bit perplexed by the way she was so clumsy in her narrative. So I asked what was said.

    She said she just said something along the lines of hey what you doing texting me at 3am. Apparently he apologised.

    I continued to discuss it with her because by this point it was my favourite topic in my head.

    I asked her if sheÂ’d had anymore time to think about it. She said maybe it was the start of something. Maybe an emotional affair. That she had read websites on the train home and attempted to get her phone out to show me and then decided against it. She said lots agreed with her situation but she wasnÂ’t sure. Maybe it was at infancy stage but not sure if it was that or not.

    I stated to her “so you are saying you’ve had/are in an emotional affair, is that what you are saying?” She said she was just looking at what I read out to her the previous night and to see if it agreed or not. Strange thing was I didn’t say what I was looking for and didn’t use the term emotional affair. I’d never heard of it until then.

    Following that I researched the backside out of “emotional affair”. Also how to handle it. Although advice is conflicting.

    I quickly got to grips with the fact that if the marriage is struggling emotionally/physically/spiritually, we have to take extra precautions including precluding closeness with anyone of opposite sex. Also donÂ’t live in limbo.

    So after much reading, research, honesty with myself and preparation, the following Saturday night came about and we formally brought it all up once again.

    She was clearly anxious and unprepared. She wasnÂ’t explicitly ready for it but said she wanted to chat.

    I led it. I had several objectives but my strongest intentions as outlined to her were to make the marriage work. I put that out there straight away. I said IÂ’d done lots of reading and reflecting and listening. That I felt better prepared to discuss things compared to the day I read the texts.

    I had a few outcomes:

    - understand where she is at and what she wants going forward (divorce? Marriage?)
    - get closure on her new work friend
    - next steps including agreements.

    So we started with how she was feeling and what she wanted. We discussed info already covered about feelings. Nothing new. She got upset. I felt it was starting to move towards a break up. She said that in the middle of the week she thought she was going to ask to separate. But then said she doesnÂ’t want that. She mentioned our children. Then said she wanted to try counselling.

    Then we got onto her and this guy.

    I said I wanted full disclosure. She was generally not forthcoming and defensive/agitated.

    What happened and when. She said they started chatting since that first night out. DidnÂ’t spend any real 1-2-1but did bond within the group. She said they spent 1-2-1 time the following Friday.

    I asked when did things change to texting and she said just when I read that text. IÂ’m not convinced about that.

    I asked how she felt about him now and she said “nothing”.

    I asked about the emotional affair as she’d previously said and she replied “your words, nothing happening”. I knew I needed to stay controlled as she wouldn’t open up but she wasn’t and it was aggravating me inside.

    I asked about the “come here” part of the exchange and she said it wasn’t that way. She said they had spoken about running together but she didn’t think it was appropriate. Them being out together would appear weird. This however conflicted with her text that had said he could have met her at the shopping centre. So I asked her again. She said they had spoken in general about hanging out. I asked what she meant by that. She said she didn’t know, drinks maybe. I said just the two of you? She said yes.

    I asked what had happened within that conversation and she said that she told him her husband wouldnÂ’t like it.

    I told her I was confused how this all got to this stage. Asking to go for drinks and stuff. She said she had become a lot more flirty and playful.
    I asked why and for how long and she said she didnÂ’t know and just the last couple of weeks.

    I asked if he was a pursuer or rescuer. I talked about her position and things like work/family stress, being unhappy.

    She said he wasnÂ’t a pursuer. I wanted to clarify that and said his texts, his chasing, their apparent agreement not to hang out then he asks her round, messaging again at 3am. Seems like a pursuer.

    She didnÂ’t respond. I asked should I speak to him?

    At this point she became very agitated and upset. She shouted NO. This was the first real reaction. She said “don’t you dare, or we really will be over”.

    I remained calm and said IÂ’m just trying to establish whatÂ’s going on, it looks like he is chasing you.

    She said “no it’s all me right! He’s done nothing. Don’t go ruining his relationship and my career!”

    I left that and asked about his gf. I asked what’s with it. She said “I don’t know, think they have problems”

    I asked if sheÂ’d discussed our relationship and she said a little. I tried to talk about the importance of not doing that and thatÂ’s when things start to happen. Confiding.

    ThatÂ’s when I discussed recognising what was going on, self validating it and the importance of cutting off ties with the other person. She said she wasnÂ’t going to leave her job (I hadnÂ’t asked her). I was speaking not specifically during this. I said we needed to recommit to making the relationship work. Find out the dissatisfaction, figure out the struggles, go to workshops, therapy, self help books. That the relationship seemed to be on the brink by what she was saying and we needed to lay it all out.

    That it would take time but whatever we need to do we need to do it to develop trust and recommitment. Whatever laid the ground work to a potential EA has to change.

    I told her she needed to speak to this guy more directly if things were still active. She said she didnÂ’t know how to do that. I said again how important it was and wether she wanted to go down the route of saying maybe sheÂ’d given the wrong impression or that IÂ’d seen the texts or something. That she needs to concentrate her efforts on her marriage and that her husband takes it seriously.

    She begrudgingly agreed.

    Then we talked about boundaries. For me they were as follows:

    - no comms outside of work including txt/wa/fb/LinkedIn/etc
    - no nights out with this guy, even in a group setting
    - no late nights in the office working
    - no hotels away
    - just business
    - no meeting outside of work
    - no flirting with him

    She agreed and added she hadnÂ’t been working late. She then asked if no late night means she couldnÂ’t go to an upcoming events after party. I just confirmed no nights out drinking that include this guy.

    She made a point. She said that if I was to believe her, believe one thing, that it is she will not enter into counselling if she doesnÂ’t want the marriage to work. She also added that if it doesnÂ’t work she doesnÂ’t want it traced back to this and that she wonÂ’t be distracted by anything when working on the marriage.

    I agreed and said a split energy isnÂ’t going to help it will just siphon off the chance of success.

    I covered general rules of marriage and what my boundaries are.

    She then added she was thinking of going back to the doctors to see if she could get the antidepressants previously prescribed but not taken. She said she wouldnÂ’t be able to fix things if her mind wasnÂ’t stable. She said she had spoken to Dr Steve Peters through work. HeÂ’s the guy that wrote the chimp paradox. He advised she go back onto meds.

    We agreed to look at counselling together and initiate a plan.....

    See next reply from me

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,951
    Gender
    Female
    From what you've written, it sounds like there have been underlying problems in your marriage for a long time.

    This tells me a lot about how she's come to view you:

    Originally Posted by La Pinta
    I asked why she lied about receiving the text at 3am and she said “I knew you would react this way”.
    It tells me that she can't trust you not to overreact.

    You feel threatened by the lack of sex in your relationship. This could be a symptom of discord in your marriage, not necessarily an affair.

    You feel threatened by the fact that she's putting more effort into her appearance. Her dressing up every day could be any number of things.

    She may have decided to turn over a new leaf for herself. She may be trying to get your attention.

    And yes, she may be trying to get the attention of others. But she had her chance at that and you have evidence that she turned the guy down.

    This was your chance to sit your wife down and say, "I saw your phone. What's going on? Please stop."

    Instead, you posted the exchange here in such a way that emotionally-charged readers will automatically leap to the "affair" conclusion.

    Main stream media couldn't do a better job at sensationalist leading.

    I do think this may be the early stages of an emotional affair with someone who she feels understands her.

    If she felt that her husband understood her (and didn't simply suspect her) this may not be happening at all.

    I think you have opportunity to save this marriage, but it seems you're more interested in preserving a Spy vs Spy mentality.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,794
    And what changes are you going to make? This is not all one sided, however you paint it. You cannot police your wife or it really will be splitsville. You need to trust her.
    You need to start making her feel loved, YOU flirt with her, make efforts. Find ways to get close to her again.

    Apologize for basically raking her over the coals and tell her in a more gentle manner that you were worried and it's because you love her so much and she means the world to you.
    Be more open to sharing your feelings like this in a more loving manner and not like a dictator.

    PLEASE go to counselling. It will be a good thing, for you both. Love your wife, take care of your wife, but don't continue to make her feel bad or policed. It will only make her feel even further apart from you.

  4. #24

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    29
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    From what you've written, it sounds like there have been underlying problems in your marriage for a long time.

    This tells me a lot about how she's come to view you:



    It tells me that she can't trust you not to overreact.

    You feel threatened by the lack of sex in your relationship. This could be a symptom of discord in your marriage, not necessarily an affair.

    You feel threatened by the fact that she's putting more effort into her appearance. Her dressing up every day could be any number of things.

    She may have decided to turn over a new leaf for herself. She may be trying to get your attention.

    And yes, she may be trying to get the attention of others. But she had her chance at that and you have evidence that she turned the guy down.

    This was your chance to sit your wife down and say, "I saw your phone. What's going on? Please stop."

    Instead, you posted the exchange here in such a way that emotionally-charged readers will automatically leap to the "affair" conclusion.

    Main stream media couldn't do a better job at sensationalist leading.

    I do think this may be the early stages of an emotional affair with someone who she feels understands her.

    If she felt that her husband understood her (and didn't simply suspect her) this may not be happening at all.

    I think you have opportunity to save this marriage, but it seems you're more interested in preserving a Spy vs Spy mentality.
    Hi yes I’m sorry if it comes across that way and I deliberately just wanted to ask about the text exchange as I knew with everything laid out under my own narrative it would bias the responses.

    I’m not trying to find a jury or some sort of backup. I’m looking for advice such as that given and it’s useful.

    I haven’t yet finished the account of what’s happened as actually the texts were at the start of February.

    I’m at a position where things haven’t changed and I’m trying to decide wether that’s because of this EA or not. I have worked on my PIES. I have contacted 12 counsellors and I have arranged sessions. We went to one. The counsellor said she needs to work with my wife first. Then it stopped. So
    I’m trying to figure this out by looking at all aspects but I’ve a general feeling her head is turned (even if that’s my fault in the first place).

  5.  

  6. #25

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    29
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    And what changes are you going to make? This is not all one sided, however you paint it. You cannot police your wife or it really will be splitsville. You need to trust her.
    You need to start making her feel loved, YOU flirt with her, make efforts. Find ways to get close to her again.

    Apologize for basically raking her over the coals and tell her in a more gentle manner that you were worried and it's because you love her so much and she means the world to you.
    Be more open to sharing your feelings like this in a more loving manner and not like a dictator.

    PLEASE go to counselling. It will be a good thing, for you both. Love your wife, take care of your wife, but don't continue to make her feel bad or policed. It will only make her feel even further apart from you.
    Thanks. I agree. I don’t want to be that person and don’t want to do that to her.

    What’s important to point out here is that she wasn’t going to tell me about this other guy and wasn’t going to tell me how she felt. She wasn’t going to suggest counselling. It’s as a result of me seeing those texts.

    This happened in early February and despite my attempts she hasn’t gone to counselling and doesn’t want to talk about anything. Just says she isn’t sure about how she feels. I have over analysed it no doubt. But despite what I do, including working on myself, having a constant hand out to her with affection and support, she rejects it.

    At this point I feel more alone than I ever have. She continues to contact the guy outside of work on days off and weekends. Including video calls when our children need her. That’s not me saying I sit and say do this/do that. I look after them most of the time and compress my five days into two working days. The rest of the time I support her by looking after the kids. I also pay 100% of all household bills and living costs. My own self respect is coming into question now.

    I know I cannot get an answer on here but was just looking for a general viewpoint or maybe something I hadn’t considered regards the initial exchange.

    Some of the comments I’ve thought of myself but don’t understand why she doesn’t want to work on the marriage but continue to do something that I’ve said upsets me.

  7. #26

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    29
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    From what you've written, it sounds like there have been underlying problems in your marriage for a long time.

    This tells me a lot about how she's come to view you:



    It tells me that she can't trust you not to overreact.

    You feel threatened by the lack of sex in your relationship. This could be a symptom of discord in your marriage, not necessarily an affair.

    You feel threatened by the fact that she's putting more effort into her appearance. Her dressing up every day could be any number of things.

    She may have decided to turn over a new leaf for herself. She may be trying to get your attention.

    And yes, she may be trying to get the attention of others. But she had her chance at that and you have evidence that she turned the guy down.

    This was your chance to sit your wife down and say, "I saw your phone. What's going on? Please stop."

    Instead, you posted the exchange here in such a way that emotionally-charged readers will automatically leap to the "affair" conclusion.

    Main stream media couldn't do a better job at sensationalist leading.

    I do think this may be the early stages of an emotional affair with someone who she feels understands her.

    If she felt that her husband understood her (and didn't simply suspect her) this may not be happening at all.
    Yeah I hear exactly what you are saying.

    Definitely underlying problems in the marriage.

    She only washes/dresses up/wears makeup on the days she goes to work (3 days a week). Her efforts with me are non existent. I pay her words of affirmation all the time and it’s genuine. I know her top love languages and try to energise these.

    I have never suspected her before and given no reason for her to think that. Indicating I suspect her after she’s had (maybe) an EA can’t be the reason for it though.

    I do think you are right that she feels this guy gets her and she has said she trusts him.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,570
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately, she seems to already know how overbearing, possessive, controlling and paranoid you are. Instead of grilling her, "reaching "signs of affair" ,etc. as faux evidence. Research emotional abuse, because that is what you are doing.

    You are treating her like a criminal, not because of her but because you can't handle that she went back to work. This paranoia and trying to incriminate her is evident from your posting style seeking out bias by twisting info and words. She would be wise to divorce you if this is typical of your interaction with her.

  9. #28

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    29
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Coming off as the jealous or controlling husband will do more damage than her texting a coworker or being friends with coworkers or entertaining coworkers.

    She has done nothing inappropriate. She got a new job, and dresses better. Perhaps she needed to go from frumpy mommy mode to professional woman mode? Some women let themselves go when they are SAHMs so she needed to change that anyway.

    I am not part of a survey seeking a bias by omitting info. Also words rearranged to serve that bias like 'flirty personality in general" etc. She is not on trail and I am posting advice, not part of a jury you are trying to create here.
    Hi,

    Does it feel as if I’ve come off jealous and controlling?

    I’ve probably not written it up right. It she’s not got a new job. I agree she wanted to make an impression at work which is why I wrote despite the classic flags their are reasons for them.

    Not sure i understand your last paragraph here. You originally asked me if she had a flirty personality in general. I just wanted to know what made you think that within the exchange. I suppose I’m saying I’ve two minds about all this. My head that says it’s fine, it’s nothing, my gut that says somethings up.

    I’m not looking to slam my wife on here. What’s the point in that? I don’t want to create a jury. I wanted some advice on the initial exchange. Most people then asked for more information. Which I hadn’t really wanted to do.

  10. #29

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    29
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately, she seems to already know how overbearing, possessive, controlling and paranoid you are. Instead of grilling her, "reaching "signs of affair" ,etc. as faux evidence. Research emotional abuse, because that is what you are doing.

    You are treating her like a criminal, not because of her but because you can't handle that she went back to work. This paranoia and trying to incriminate her is evident from your posting style seeking out bias by twisting info and words. She would be wise to divorce you if this is typical of your interaction with her.
    I really don’t understand what you mean by twisting words? Who’s words?

    I’m not looking to argue here. Just trying to understand your point.

    I supported her going back to work and advised her to do it full time. I’ve no issue with her being at work so not sure what I’ve written that suggests that. Clearly what I’ve written isn’t typical of what or how we interact.

    Your right I’m jealous! I love her, am attracted to her and feel I’ve lost her.

    It’s actually quite upsetting you’ve said emotional abuse from my perspective. Adding being wise to divorce me. Without too much harshness just honesty can you specifically explain how. I mean this genuinely.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,570
    Gender
    Male
    You are treating her like a prisoner. Stop. Get a grip. Get to a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. The paranoia, sex problems and condescending parental way to are towed her indicates you have some major issues to resolve.

    Stop running down this 'emotional affair' rabbit hole and subjecting her to these inane "signs" you are deliberately looking for on the internet and twisted your post to fit then shoving in her face. Tell me, what is sexy or appealing about that or a prison guard? Were you hoping to gather a bunch of people on here to incriminate her so you could use that to ream her?

Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Videos


Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •