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Thread: Txt messages from wife to coworker

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    I am fairly open minded but I think staying out drinking until 5 am, 3am texts, invitations to come over is far too loose of an arrangement in even a marriage between two liberal minded adults.

    Is there something going on here? Can't tell by what you've shared, but it definitely sounds like the boundaries are loose enough here that they could easily go up in flames.

    I am all about trust but at the same time you don't put yourself in enough precarious situations like this and continue to trust that something might not go sideways.

    It's the same as raising children. Boundaries and limits make them feel safe and cared for. You don't let your kids play on the freeway for a few good reasons.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    May 2020
    I know I shouldn't ask = he knows your wife is married so she probably told him.

    But there is definitely a flirt going on his side and she knows it. She doesnt say a lot but she still reply and entertain.

    My guess: I don't think your wife is having an affair BUT she seems bored and she seems likes she is looking for excitement. So be carefully with that.

    I dont know you personally but 10 years 2 kids, its important to keeps the magical sparks between you two.

    For now leave it like that do not says nothing because you dont have enough evidence. Ill suggest you to observ and open you eyes to your wife behavior to see if there is any change.

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Just from the text and time frame, not good.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Originally Posted by lollipop300
    My guess: I don't think your wife is having an affair BUT she seems bored and she seems likes she is looking for excitement. So be carefully with that.
    That was my read on it, too.

    How often do you two get time alone together, OP?


  6. #15

    Join Date
    May 2020



    Firstly thanks for everyone’s replies and thoughts.

    I deliberately started it here because I wanted some opinions on what I found without adding in what happened next. It looks like from the replies that generally we all agree it’s not routine behaviour and points to issues.

    Other points leading up to this:

    - she made much greater efforts on her appearance, baggy jumpers turned to tight shortish dresses with heeled boots or shoes. Or a tight fitting top with tight trousers and heels. Nothing unacceptable but a lot sexier. It definitely works for me.
    - she started the gym although didn’t bother going much.
    - make up increased. Heavy on eye liner and lipstick. She’s always been pretty low maintenance with makeup unless going out but that level of make up became the norm on work days only. She doesn’t bother at weekends or days off.
    - lots more perfume, I mean heavy on it.
    - text and WA notifications no longer coming to front of phone screen.

    But this can be countered with her general ambivalence to going to work and getting on with folk, post new year, living in an old maternity wardrobe, we went away over Xmas and she felt drab next to the other mums, openly said she would try and make more of an effort in herself and at work. Funds held her back on new clothes and her parents have her a board load of makeup as a New Years present. So whilst I didn’t automatically think affair I did notice. She is also about to hit 40.

    Back to the texts, This is what happened next:

    I said nothing and observed that morning. She was on/off her phone. She’d pick it up when I went out the room and put it down when I came back in. I could see her through a window into the room she was in. I’d see her using the phone and then say something like “I’ll just go see mummy” loud enough for her to hear and observe how she would react. She’d put the phone down rapid style.

    She keeps the phone in bed with her. This is an old habit. She uses it as an alarm and a throwback to having babies and feeding in the night.

    On the morning I read the texts and after observing her behaviour I started to ask. I started with asking if she’d had a text in the night or early morning as something woke me. She said no. Another red flag for me. I said it was strange as I was sure something woke me up. She added she has only had a WA message from a mums group. Then she said her phone is always on airplane anyway so nithing would have come through to wake me.

    I left it a little while. Considered what to do and decided to strike whilst the iron was hot. I knew I couldn’t fester on it and I must have already been showing signs of distraction because she had repeatedly asked me if something was up that morning. Although i did suspect she might have known I could have seen her phone. When she came to get it she ran into the room and checked it’s state. I digress....

    She was cooking some lunch for the kids and I told her what had happened. That our daughter had brought me the phone. Basically asking to put it back to whatever animation had been put on it to occupy her briefly. That she gave it to me with the text app open.

    My wife didn’t say anything. I said that I saw a message really early that morning to a guy and although she wasn’t going to like it I read it. I said I thought it was odd she was texting someone at 6am.

    She just said “right?”. She wasn’t going to say anymore. I asked why he was texting her at 3am. She said she didn’t know and Assumed he was out and probably drunk. I asked what he meant by “I know I shouldn’t ask but you could come here”. She said she didn’t know as she didn’t write it. At this point I started to get a bit rattled by her deliberate lack of response. I didn’t get angry but was more direct. I asked her if she’d gone to his house before. As if “come here” was to suggest she knew where that was. After all he didn’t write “you could come to my house”. She said “no”. I asked why he’d written “I know I shouldn’t ask”. She said I don’t know.

    I asked is something going on, this doesn’t feel normal to me. She said “no we’re just friends”. Red flag number 2. “Theirs nothing innit and we just have a laugh”. Then added “I’ll ask him to delete my number”.

    She hadn’t turned to face me at all during this exchange. Just stood at the cooker stirring the pasta sauce.

    I asked if further correspondence had taken place that morning and she said she asked him if he’d had a good night and that was it.

    The children were at our feet by this point and one of them had hurt themselves so the discussion was halted. I said we’d need to talk further about it. She muttered something about me going through her phone.

    Then my son needed to go to a class so we were apart for a couple of hours.

    When we regrouped she was angry. She started throwing one liners about spying on her and going through her phone all the time. Now she has a passcode and I don’t know it. I’ve also never tried to look. She added she had deleted all her texts and her Facebook so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at anything anymore. At this point I could feel the shift to be about me and I wasn’t going to have it.

    I asked again about what was going on. It went back and forth but eventually she said the following:

    - we get on really well
    - have the same sense of humour
    - same personality
    - we banter with each other
    - it’s just cheeky flirty banter
    - we have a spark

    I asked her if she liked him and she said “no he’s just a friend” I asked if she fancied him or if she thought he fancied her and she said no/he has a gf.

    Again kids got in the way but by this point my fears were starting to become reality.

    At the end of the day we tried to talk further once the kids were in bed. She was very closed up about it all. I asked why she lied about receiving the text at 3am and she said “I knew you would react this way”.

    After further discussion and her not bringing anything other than saying “I’m not and haven’t had an affair” she offered up that she didn’t know how she felt about us anymore and wether she wanted to continue in the relationship. This was another bombshell for me and did totally distract from what I’d originally been focussed on.

    We talked about it and she said if we were to make it work then we needed to have counselling otherwise we should separate.

    Now further information about us. Our intimacy has been non existent since before our first child. We had a number of unexplained miscarriages which led to ivf. This was around 2012-14. We moved to where her friends and family were and kept trying medically until it was successful in 2016.

    She went back to work after 14 months of maternity and we accidentally got pregnant at a friends wedding. It was the first time we’d been away or out since having our son and we didn’t spend any time together that night. Just the hotel room at the end. My daughter was born in 2018.

    She said she didn’t have a labido during this period and I wrote it off respectfully, blaming it on clinical depression before miscarriages/miscarriages/iVF/pregnancy and fears of miscarriage/Caesarian section for birth plus post natal depression/fatigue during early baby days (we had zero support and I was working although did get a month for paternity and a further 12 weeks paid leave before she went back to work)/pregnancy and baby #2 almost straight away/again c-section and post natal desperation/clinical anxiety/fatigue.
    She is also still breastfeeding and I’m aware this can ruin labido/scramble hormones a bit.

    I learnt to not ask or attempt anything as rejection and her reaction to it was difficult for both of us. I’ve waited and hoped to get to a point where we could rekindle. I’m mindful the zero support means we don’t go out or do anything apart from raise kids. Her job has become her escape. My job pays for everything.
    When we went on holiday for Christmas she had taken condoms with her which were from our daughters post birth pack the hospitals send out. I’d tried to engage with her most nights knowing this but she was never in the mood. Tired or down. Not happy.

    Back to the story, I said I wanted to think about it all and said we should discuss it and decide in a weeks time. She said she was happy to discuss it now. I said I needed to think. She said she was happy to do counselling. I said again (although I knew I didn’t want to divorce and wanted counselling) that I’d think about it all.

    I’ll write what happened next in another reply and this one is getting on the large side.

    Feel free to comment in the mean time.

  7. #16

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Originally Posted by Andrina
    What are the relationship boundaries between you two? Are you allowed to exchange numbers and be buddies with the opposite sex, including co-worker friends? I don't have any friends who would be so rude as to text me at 3 a.m. When he asked her to come over, if that's not part of your decided-on boundaries, and if he's crossing the line with flirting, it would be up to her to shut him down and end a "friendship" that is going into dangerous territory. If she doesn't, she likes the ego boost and if it's not a physical affair, it could be an emotional affair. That's why the term "work husband" exists.

    You can tell a lot by how she answers to that.

    When people are entering affairs, there will be changes you will notice. If she's paying more attention to her looks. If she's staying away from home more often. If she guards her phone, taking it from room to room, even to the bathroom, which didn't seem to happen here.
    Thanks see my extended reply and further information above this reply.

    We haven’t ever been specific on boundaries. We had the “we are exclusive to each other” chat 12 years ago. She knows I’m not happy with her flirting because it came up at the early stages of living together a couple of times. I wasn’t too happy on her behaviour with randoms at bars when getting drinks and things. She knows I’m very black and white on this stuff.

    She knows I wouldn’t be happy with 3am texts from other guys.

  8. #17

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Originally Posted by lollipop300
    I know I shouldn't ask = he knows your wife is married so she probably told him.

    But there is definitely a flirt going on his side and she knows it. She doesnt say a lot but she still reply and entertain.
    See my update and further information above but to answer your point directly:

    She went to work for this company after maternity with my son. So around feb 2017. She then got pregnant again that summer and she was at work right up until March 2018, having our daughter at the end of the month.

    He didn’t work in her team before but did/would have seen her wading round the office as it’s a single room/small city centre company. They all also know each other’s business. She returned to work in 2019 and he moved into her direct team at that point .

    I agree she is flirting with him. See my other response above.

  9. 05-14-2020, 08:03 AM

  10. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    She's not responsible for his actions however she seems to be discouraging it, yet enjoys the attention. Coming off as the jealous or controlling husband will do more damage than her texting a coworker or being friends with coworkers or entertaining coworkers.

    She has done nothing inappropriate. She got a new job, and dresses better. Perhaps she needed to go from frumpy mommy mode to professional woman mode? Some women let themselves go when they are SAHMs so she needed to change that anyway.

    I am not part of a survey seeking a bias by omitting info. Also words rearranged to serve that bias like 'flirty personality in general" etc. She is not on trail and I am posting advice, not part of a jury you are trying to create here.

  11. #19
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    The vibes I am getting from the whole conversation was that it was innocent. Yes, your wife is probably getting a little too cozy with him and he's pushing for more.

    It doesn't sound as though anything has gone on....yet. But I would most definitely be on the lookout. If you feel the need to talk with her about it all, then that's your call.

    But for now it sounds like random banter that is somewhat crossing lines but nothing major as of yet.

  12. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Okay..read your update. Flirtations or flings usually are the side effects of a marriage coming unravelled or personal issues arising.

    This guy isn't any kind of superhero nor he is her saving grace, he just makes her feel special or pretty, or what have you. That usually happens when she's not feeling those things. It can be a variety of things. Having children (albeit is one of the greatest things in life) can make a woman feel less than sexy with everything that occurs after bearing a child.
    Having a child or more than one child can put a strain on a marriage as the couple now learns how to adapt to major changes. Romance, dating, one on one time is very difficult to find and can make the couple feel further apart.
    Lack of sleep, money worries, stress in general also cause issues.

    So she went to work, this guy was nice to her, noticed her...made her feel somewhat wanted. But if she is willing to talk to you about it and even suggested counselling, then she realizes that there are problems and WANTS to fix them. That's a really good sign. She is placing your marriage first. She is acknowledging that there is a problem, that you two have grown apart for various reasons, but she wants to remedy it.

    Please take the open hand offered to you and go to counselling. Find ways to grow closer to one another again. Make each other feel special, wanted, loved.
    I know it's difficult with a more hectic schedule, and it might take more work, but if you truly love one another, it's more than possible.

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