Feelings or Friendship?

I’ll not go into all the details of the break up but it happened just over 5 months ago. We were together for 3 years and had lived together for just over 2. It originally started as a “break” and I tried to sort things out for the first month but she wasn’t budging (Met her once and phoned her a couple of time). The last try I text her saying I’d always love her and she responded saying she’d always love me too but she needed to sort out things in her life on her own (She had been struggling with depression for the last 6 months of the relationship).

At the start of January I asked to collect the last of my belongings, I went round whilst she was at work (with her permission) got my things and left my keys and also a note. In the note I just told her how I knew I’d screwed up and didn’t hold any resentment against her for the breakup and that I believed we could sort this out in the future once we are both ready, I ended the note saying to only contact me if she felt the same as I couldn’t be just friend.

The note started my indefinite no contact with her. It was hard to begin with but my friends were there for me and I did plenty of activity and travelling to help me through. I could just about say I was getting over the breakup. Obviously I still love her and would always want to reconcile but she wasn’t a constant thought on my mind everyday.

Things were going well, I was becoming a better person for my self and focusing on work and my future. But intuitively I could feel my ex missing me and there were little things I noticed that made me think this. Once being my YouTube account, turns out I’m still logged in on her TV, I looked at my history one day and noticed there was a load of heartbreak songs that I hadn’t listened to.

My NC lasted 4 months up until this point. Sadly my Dad passed away. My Brother posted on Facebook to let family and friends know the news. Within 10 minutes of him posting my phone was ringing and it was my ex.

I answered her call and she was crying on the phone to me, she told me how sorry she was to hear the news and said she was here if I needed anything. I thanked her and ended the call to return to my family. The following day she sent me a message saying she was thinking of me and sent me her families condolences (our parents had never met).

So a week went by and I didn’t hear anything off her, my Dads funereal was days away and I was looking for the shoes he had bought for me. I turned the house upside down and the last place I could think of was at her house.. I ended up messaging her to see if she had seen them and she had. She offered to bring them over the following day.

So she came over to my house with the shoes, when she turned up I could just sense she was happy to see me, big smile on her face and just the way she was talking to me as if she had missed me. We also shared a dog which she didn’t bring with her but she mentioned bringing the dog another time. We talked for a short while but I ended the interaction and thanked her, she wished me well for the funeral which was the following day and then we had a hug which lasted a while.

I expected that to be it. But that evening I got another text off her saying it was nice to see me and it’s a shame about the circumstances and that she would bring the dog and we’d go for a walk and a proper catch up once the weathers nicer. She then said she’d be thinking about me tomorrow. The last thing she said was that I could ring her anytime.

I’m not sure if this has been a chance for her to finally reconnect or weather she is just trying to offer support despite me saying I don’t want friendship.

She suffers from quite bad anxiety and I always thought she wouldn’t contact me even if she did want to reconcile anyway for this reason. Perhaps she has seen this as a chance to re open communication. I’m also confused at the phone me anytime, is this her trying to get me to call her to talk or is it genuinely just for support.

I am unsure weather to just go back full NC or to ring her. She did say she wanted to bring the dog and catchup so perhaps if I go NC she will reach out in a week or 2 anyway.

Just looking for advice please as the whole situation has me very confused!

If she had cared enough to fix whatever problems you two had, she would've communicated what she wanted fixed and given it time to see if things improved. She didn't care enough for your relationship to last a lifetime, and so she bailed. Likewise with the excuse of needing space with depression. Couples can experience bouts of illnesses, both physical and mental, along with other life stressors. But those who want to retain that relationship work on the issues together, they support each other, and if she felt like she couldn't be a good partner while working on her depression, she would have simply asked for your patience and explained what she needed.

Just take what she did at face value, that she feels sympathy for you, as she should, and felt it right to reach out. You should assume that she doesn't want to get back together unless she flat out says this. Don't try to read between the lines and search social media to find clues as to what's in her heart.

Assuming she doesn't want to get back together, you need to think about what's best for you. If seeing the dog and meeting to catch up will prevent you from moving on and keeps you hoping for more, it's best you tell her the reason why you're choosing not to do that. Especially because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She dumped you once instead of working on things together. Once the newness wore off and new problems arose, she'd likely repeat the pattern. That's why on again, off again relationships aren't meant to be. The right person will never leave. Not even once.

Thank you for your input some good points there.

The thing I find hard to understand is why would she care so much if she chose to cut me out her life? 4 months of nothing and then all of a sudden crying down the phone.

As for the dog and catchup I was hoping as that being a final way of asking what her true intentions are. I’ve come this far and can do it again but I don’t want to just cut her out if there may be a no doubt small chance of reconciliation. If she says she only wants friends I feel I can move on completely and not live with the what if forever.

First off, so sorry for your loss.

I think the only reason she reached out was because of your dad and sadness of missing what was all in one emotion....but on the other hand, she may feel this is not an appropriate time to "reconcile" so she's just keeping it friendly. For now I would look at it as a friendship thing and not get your hope up too high. BTW even when a relationship is over, there will be a residual of attachment and nothing more. I understand that some psychologists will say if there is emotions still there, then it's not over, but I'm not 100% sure of that would include wanting to be together again. You are right, you need to confront her about it so you can finally move on. IMO tho, I would wait and let her ease back in, spend a little time together first, then ask her gently if she wants to start seeing each other again, and take is slow. If she has some anxiety, this would be the best approach.

Firstly, I am very sorry for the loss of your father.

Has she sought help for her mental illness?

I think that you need to ask her if she wants to reconcile. If not, then you need to go complete no contact, or you are putting yourself i a painful place. It does not sound like you can be just friends or do any dog visits.

IMO tho, I would wait and let her ease back in, spend a little time together first, then ask her gently if she wants to start seeing each other again, and take is slow. If she has some anxiety, this would be the best approach.

I think seeing her for a walk would be my best bet, hopefully gauge her interest levels. If reconciliation was on the cards it’s not something I would rush at all.

As for her saying call me anytime do you think I should call her in a few days or completely put the ball in her court and see if she reaches out to arrange this walk?

Sorry to hear this. What do you mean by "I screwed up"? This process of uncoupling is painful particularly when drawn out like this. She was done when she moved out. Wait for her to reach out, but expect the friendzone.

In the note I just told her how I knew I’d screwed up

Has she sought help for her mental illness?

Yes she went to the doctors and was prescribed tablets, she told me when she first went onto them I might notice a difference in her. I’m not saying the depression was the root cause of the break up but it definitely contributed to a lot of factors

It does not sound like you can be just friends or do any dog visits.

I definitely can’t be just friends I have too many emotional ties to her it would be too hard, I do feel like once possible final “catch up “ to see where she’s at wouldn’t do me any harm.

Sorry to hear this. What do you mean by "I screwed up"? This process of uncoupling is painful particularly when drawn out like this. She was done when she moved out. Wait for her to reach out, but expect the friendzone.

Didn’t write it so much as I screwed up but basically said I knew where I went wrong. She was suffering with depression, I had a lot of work stress, too many hours, not enough time off together, just wasn’t being the man I was when we first got together. I was trying too hard to be there for her but not smother her. It was hard because I didn’t know what to do to help her.

My work commitments have since changed better hours, better money. Life is generally good at the moment apart from losing my Dad. I have definitely changed for the better since the breakup and do feel ready to reconcile if she did want too.

I think seeing her for a walk would be my best bet, hopefully gauge her interest levels. If reconciliation was on the cards it’s not something I would rush at all.

 

As for her saying call me anytime do you think I should call her in a few days or completely put the ball in her court and see if she reaches out to arrange this walk?

Give it a week or so, and when it's a gorgeous day out send her a text.

Give it a week or so, and when it's a gorgeous day out send her a text.

Sounds like a great idea, I’ll do that.

Thanks for your advice!

Sounds like a great idea, I’ll do that.

 

Thanks for your advice!

Be friendly but a little aloof, be mysterious. To be desirable is to be less available.