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Lee32

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I'll try to keep this a short as possible, if you need me to fill in the blanks just ask.

 

2.5 year relationship, ended in January. Mostly due to me being moody at times (I had problems which have now been resolved), she pulled away and instead of playing it cool I lost my marbles and tried to get her back. Big mistake, it was messy. After a few days I stopped. Waited 3 weeks and asked her if she had reconsidered but it was too soon. She hadn't blocked me, she still responded albeit a lot later than before and even hinted that she misses me and wants to see me again. I don't know if she just means as friends though, I'm not interested in that.

 

Another 9 weeks passed, no contact. I had deleted the app we used to talk and was starting to get on with my life etc. I installed the app again not long ago and could see she had sent me a birthday card thing and 5 messages a few days later. It was less than a week ago. I decided not to reply, I didn't feel like rushing back to her after I had already displayed weakness. While mulling it over I received an email from her the next day. She asked how I am, if I had blocked her on the app and she wished me happy birthday again. I waited 3 days to reply then got a message back the same day which included the words 'I miss you' and 'hope to see you again one day'. Great, right?

 

This is where I might have messed things up and is the reason for this post. I waited another 2 days to respond to her email, this caused her to slow down her responses too. It took 3 days for her to reply this time, similar to me but her email included a load of pictures, mostly of her as I had asked how she was doing. Her email ended with 'I miss you' again. In hindsight I probably should have kept up with her and sent a couple of pics of myself with my reply the day after. Instead I replied a few hours later and kept it very short by saying she looked good and that I was happy for her. I didn't say I missed her back this time.

 

4 days later no reply. I decided to install the app again, I updated my profile picture and added a status. The plan was to read and reply to the 5 messages that were there from before and use that as an opening to say Hi. They were gone. But that might be because I deleted the app again while waiting to reply to her email. With nothing to reply to I sent a message to say Hi and that I've installed the app again. 24 hours later, no reply. She uses this app to talk with her family on a daily basis so the chances of her not seeing my message are very slim. That's it up to now.

 

What am I doing wrong and is there any point in trying to salvage this? I probably took the no contact thing a little too far and she might have gotten bored or realized I was playing games. It was her who reached out initially though. I do want her back but I'm not chasing after her. I just want to know where I stand so we can either sort things out or I can move on with my life.

 

This is my first post here, thanks for reading.

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You seem to be confused about the purpose of no contact.

It is not to get another interested again or to get back with them.

It is however to get over them!!!

It was working until you broke it. You were getting over her and took a giant step backwards by responding to her contact.

 

Of course people miss their exes even those that ended it. Because life has changed dramatically. It’s the little things , the insignificant. But it’s not really about the person , it’s actually feeling a void. Which tricks the mind into thinking you miss the person that once filled that void.

 

So, pay no attention to someone when they say they miss you.

 

If she actually wanted to catch up and genuinely thought about reconciliation, she would say it. She has nothing to lose by saying so.

But she instead just threw you breadcrumbs.

 

She ended it. No you should not chase her.

She quit on you when you were going through a rough patch.

It’s hurdles like that , that make or break a relationship.

She would likely bail in future if given a real difficult situation to face with you.

 

Block her on every platform.

 

She knows where you live if she genuinely wanted to re connect.

But I’m sorry it doesn’t seem like she does.

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I agree with Billie28. I am also working on my BU. I wasted 4 months to begged and pleaded him back. He answered very rally on my emails just to say its over. So i finally stopped emails him for 16 days now and still shaking in my mind about false hope for him to come back to me after NC. But I know it is not healthy for me. So every day I read people's advices on this forum to motivate myself to be strong to stay into NC and get over him not to wait for him to come back. I still miss him every day but nothing else we can do expected take it day by day. I hope you are also stay strong and get better very soon.

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I hear what you're both saying but the truth is I DO want her back. I had things I needed to work on and honestly, I was better off alone for a while. There was also some commitment issues on my side which after the breakup I realize was just me being selfish.

 

I wasn't exactly dumped either. She started pulling away like lots of women do in relationships to test the guy they're with and I failed. She needed space and when she wasn't replying as often, I took the huff and said goodbye. My terrible approach to the situation is what caused the breakup. 3 weeks later I reached out to her, we talked but it shouldn't have been me who initiated the conversation. That one mistake pushed back the whole process, I agree. I disagree however about her stating her true intentions after the breakup, I doubt she would say 'take me back, l love you' out of nowhere. It's going to take time to get to that if it does, she won't want to admit she is thinking about me a lot or perhaps crying while looking at our holiday pics sometime. No contact is what sparks an ex to miss you in the first place, she contacted me and I've made a mistake somewhere, or I believe I have. That's why I'm looking for answers.

 

Just to be clear, I'm in the best shape of my life due to being paid to sit and home right now. I don't drink or smoke and have my diet/workout routine dialled in. In no way shape or form am I sitting around waiting for her to call me. If we don't get back together that's fine, I'll move on. But we had a great relationship that ended because of ME. I've accepted that and I'm willing to get back with her if that's what she wants but obviously, I can't just throw myself at her screaming 'take me back'. I have way more dignity than that plus it would be the worst thing I could possibly do anyway as it would give her all the power in the relationship.

 

Last thing. She is on the other side of the planet right now as she is half Thai, a majority of her family live In Thailand and she was visiting them as this pandemic hit. She's safe and seems happy enough for now but this is another obsticall in our way at the moment.

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Not communicating is not going to get you anywhere, if your goal is to work things out.

 

So no, No Contact isn't really "working", as such. All it's doing right now is creating an unsustainable stand-off between the two of you. I understand you don't want to lose your dignity, as you put it, but sometimes you have to communicate directly to get any sort of clarification. She is open to talking to you; that much is clear. Whether she'll pull back again once you try to re-establish communication is anyone's guess. Maybe she's just lonely during quarantine. Maybe she's really rethinking things.

 

You two need to have an actual conversation at this point. More of this "who is going to cave next and reach out, and after how many days?" isn't going to go very far. If she's not open to having a talk, then you know this is all mental energy for nothing, and you can finally start to shut the door and move on.

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We need to talk on the phone preferably video call, I agree That's why I responded to her and kept the conversation going.

 

After she sent the pictures and said she missed me, I didn't send any pics back or tell her I missed her as I had already said it previously in my first response. Again I didn't want to seem overly keen like I've been waiting for her (I haven't really). What I'm trying to figure out is have I spooked her by not mirroring her message or is she just playing hard to get because I replied saying I missed her too?

 

She wants to settle down soon, I know this. She's 29 and has dreams of being married with a couple of kids etc. I'm 32 and we have spoke about this in the past. At one point she said she couldn't see herself with anyone else. She hasn't been on a deleting spree, all of our pictures her posts about us stay in tact on her social media. As far as I am aware she hasn't been dating, how could she during the pandemic??

 

I've taken the fact that she might just be bored due to the lockdown into consideration, it is definitely a possibility. The door does still feel open but it's like I'm missing part of the puzzle.

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Sorry to hear this. unfortunately you are fundamentally incompatible and she needed to move on for that reason. Reading all this "get your ex back" material usually backfires as it has in your case.

 

Playing games, updating profiles, "playing it cool", trying to make the ex jealous, NC as a game, etc. Unfortunately none of that will work because she needs to move on and find someone who wants what she wants and is stable enough for that. There is no point trying to string her along any further.

I didn't send any pics back or tell her I missed her

She wants to settle down soon, I know this. She's 29 and has dreams of being married with a couple of kids etc. I'm 32 and we have spoke about this in the past.

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Instead of playing games, just see that she's reaching out to talk. Respond and keep it light. If she still seems interested in catching up, then just say "hey, why don't we go for a walk (if it's safe) and catch up? I'm free Saturday afternoon." If she says she's not ready, then tell her to let you know when she is.

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Why don't you just ask her if she would like to have a video call?

 

That will put an end to all the speculation, one way or another.

 

I'd do this.

 

Sod all these breadcrumb type messages, I'd have a proper conversation and I'd be very honest and tell her what I'm thinking. And if she didn't want the same and or she didn't want to video chat, at least I'd know I'd done what I could and that would give me some closure and help me to move on.

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“ She started pulling away like lots of women do in relationships to test the guy they're with and I failed.

 

Where the hell did you read or hear that nonsense????

 

Sorry but that and also you saying you are in the best shape you ever have been , just clarifies to me that you two were simply incompatible.

 

You have no idea of what she wants or needs from a relationship and vice versa.

 

Neither of you communicated like adults. And lacked respect for each other.

 

This ship has sailed!

Done and dusted. Over.

 

Sorry !

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“ She started pulling away like lots of women do in relationships to test the guy they're with and I failed.

 

Where the hell did you read or hear that nonsense????

 

I have to echo Billie here.

 

OP, women in love - who are mature and rational - do not pull away to test their men. If they're pulling away, it's likely because they're losing interest or simply don't want to keep trying. Assuming your ex isn't totally immature (because then you'd have to question why you want her back anyway), is it possible she'd simply had enough and was detaching before the breakup? I think that's the likelier explanation.

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I have to echo Billie here.

 

OP, women in love - who are mature and rational - do not pull away to test their men. If they're pulling away, it's likely because they're losing interest or simply don't want to keep trying. Assuming your ex isn't totally immature (because then you'd have to question why you want her back anyway), is it possible she'd simply had enough and was detaching before the breakup? I think that's the likelier explanation.

 

But that's not true for people who have avoidant attachment styles. I struggled with this myself until I went through therapy. The more I cared about somebody and got closer to them, the more my walls went up around that person and I deactivated. People like this (and it does sound like both OP and his former partner could be dealing with this in different ways) will pull away from partners periodically, not because they are beginning to leave the relationship or are playing games, but because they get overwhelmed by being close to people.

 

My most recent girlfriend needed a few days off from me whenever something significant happened between us or we spent a good chunk of time with each other. If I gave her all of that space to regain herself, then she would come back bright and bubbly. The struggle is finding a balance between how much space and contact the two sides need, and unfortunately communication is often a struggle with people like this. It's hard for them to express their feelings and needs.

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