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Thread: Sister had an affair with my ex 3 years ago, how do I let go of it

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    There is online one on one therapy available. Try that.

    Whatever your parents think or your sister, that's done and over with...they have moved on already. You are the only on who hasn't. Your sister hasn't change much, but your personal impression of her has. Change your perspective and getting past this. You can't change the past, but you can change your view of it...learn, forgive and move on. You have carried this baggage around way too long.
    She actually has changed a lot. I don't think you're in any position to say how much she has changed because you don't know me! No offense,

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She would have to do that. It's not your call. Step away from this incident. She does not have to do what you want. Focus on decompressing from this ex not on enlisting your sister in anything.
    Originally Posted by lovely2131
    I wanted to report this to the police but she told me I wanted to do it for my own personal gain, which I felt very hurt by.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She was a child by all rights and laws. Should you have gone to the police? I'm sure that would depend on whom you asked but I personally would have said, "most definitely".

    Why? Because 1.) He was an abuser 2.) She was underage 3.) You did introduce him to her.

    But to hold a child accountable for their actions when you were the adult, it's a very fine line to walk. She (in my opinion) has no idea what she is doing and although that doesn't excuse all of her actions, she is a very confused person right now. 15 is still very, very young and very immature to know much about life.

    But to expect that she will apologize or see things from your point of view? There's a good chance that is never going to happen.
    I realize you're very hurt by it all and you feel betrayed. But it is a very dysfunctional situation and I can't help but feel sorry for both of you.
    I feel badly for you because you were lied to and betrayed. I feel sorry for her because she is not mature enough to realize how awful her decisions were.
    But both of you decided to allow one of the worst kind of man close to both of you and I really do have to wonder how both of your mental health was before he came along. (I say this as respectfully as I can). You both made poor judgements on this man and it might reflect underlying issues on why you would allow someone like him into your life at all.

    What do to now? Let time pass. Should you tell your parents? Honestly I don't think that's going to accomplish a lot and your assessment is probably correct in that being as you are the older one, they will blame you for bringing this horrible man into your lives. They will view her as the victim.

    Online therapy hopefully will be something you can find and get help from. What you need to do is come to terms with what happened. Try to not place blame but just let it be.
    It can't be undone now and it's something you need to let go.

    As for your sister, for the time being, just keep each other at arms length. There isn't much else you can do being as it's a very upsetting situation that went on and neither of you agree on it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lovely2131
    The thing is, my sister was under aged. She was 15, so I think its considered statutory rape. I was 18, I wanted to report this to the police but she told me I wanted to do it for my own personal gain, which I felt very hurt by.
    It's up to each woman to decide whether she wants to build a case and prosecute, and confiding in you doesn't authorize you to put HER through that ordeal.

    You have a whole life ahead of you, so you'll need to decide whether you'll want your sister in it or not, and to what degree. If you want to allow some abusive loser to come between you and deprive you of your future potential with her, you can do that.

    Nobody here can make that decision for you.

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