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Thread: Would my bf change his mind about marriage ?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Never stay with someone hoping for a major change.
    Wise words, right there.

    When I was 25? I was a guy who often riffed about the institution of marriage, my issues with it, and my desire to be in a committed "forever" relationship that didn't need to be christened by the state. It never really "scared" me, marriage, but it just never inspired. Today I am 40, have watched many friends get married, have grown and changed many times over, and my beliefs about marriage are...basically the same. I'm probably more agnostic on the idea than I once was, in the sense that I'm not opposed to it, but I can confidently say I am a million percent okay with living and dying without the experience of being part of a husband-wife duo.

    Point being? Listen to what people tell you, and be honest about whether it's something you can be yourself alongside. Asking a human being about what they "might" think in the "future" is a recipe for insanity. It is literally impossible for anyone to give an honest answer to questions like that, so to need security in something like that is to seek it in a dishonest, and insecure, place.

    Lots of peopleómost, by my observationsóare pretty into getting married. Wanting to be with someone who wants that, as you do, is not a tall order. Trying to get him to "come around," however, is.

  2. #12
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    I feel the same as bluecastle - I'm 30 and have always been ambivalent about marriage but the older I've gotten, the less I want to do it. I'm leaning towards "no thanks, not ever" now. No one can tell you exactly what they will want in the future. Just being in a serious relationship isn't likely to get him to change his mind. You shouldn't bank on that.

    My advice? If you want marriage, you need to only date people who want it as well. Not immediately, of course, but people who are open and say "yes I'd like to get married someday when I meet the right person". Experience tells me that people who want to get married are a dime a dozen. It is the path that most people seek out and follow at some point in their life. No need to settle for someone who doesn't have the same goals as you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    This guy doesn't sounds like he's long-term relationship material (at this point in his life), let alone marriage material.

    Considering you two are long-distance and even then he needed to get used to being in a relationship, I don't think you should expect much commitment or closeness out of him. It seems like he's doing what he think he "should" do by being in this relationship, rather than doing what he really wants to.

    How often do you see each other in person?

  4. #14
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    If the relationship has been long distance (or just online) since the very start, then how much time have you actually spent with this man? In 5 months you might have had the equivalent of 5 dates with him, maybe, which is way too soon to bring up the M-word. With someone who's never previously been into relationships I'd be surprised if he's not meeting women locally, so cut your losses and find someone closer to you whose aims and values are more in line with yours.


  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Originally Posted by Mildridbierc
    I respect his opinion and beliefs and am planning on living in the moment with him but what if he doesnít change his mind? It kind of scares me .
    If you want marriage and family, you have to keep this in the forefront of your mind and be uncompromising.

    You have to set a time limit for your relationships with people like this guy.

    For example, if he isn't budging on his outlook after two years, cut him loose. Two years is plenty.

    Ideally, you want to go for guys who know they want marriage and family.

    This "maybe" crap is short-term material for someone like you, who has marriage and family aspirations.

    But you're still young, so you have a lot of time to futz around.

    Just be careful not to let yourself get bogged down for years by some dude who keeps saying "Maybe."

    Unfortunately, that happens to a lot of women: they get hung up on this one "maybe" for eight years or something and find themselves in a panic about marriage and family. Then they have to rush around and settle for whatever.

    Be decisive and set good habits now, while you are young. Use your time wisely.

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